Tuesday taxes

All these taxes rushing in to be completed! A guy that I met months ago at JR's finally wants his done, the corporate catch-up that I quoted two weeks ago today says "yea," when the other day it was "nay," and so on. Oof!

A tale of four men (three stupid, one wonderful)

Tale #1

There's this guy on manhunt that I've been "doing" for a few months. He says he's not married, but he acts like he is. For the last three weeks, when I've sent him a message on manhunt, I have a 50/50 of a monosyllabic reply.

All he's interested in is being "serviced," which, I assert, is just more work for the Divo. Unpaid work. This morning, he sends me a message on manhunt (I stopped saying hello to him about a week ago)asking me if I have time to "work on him."

I reply "when," he says "soon," I reply "like in a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, a few weeks?" He says "in a few minutes" I say "no," He says I'll check back with you soon. I say "don't bother"

Tale #2

This one is about Travis, the chiropractor. He calls and calls and calls and calls
"can we get together," which is a euphemism for "can I come over, massage you and collect some money?"

Last night, I write him an email a.) your massage technique is either crap or it's mind altering, b.) your ability to keep appointments sucks, c.) you're priced out of the market

That should curtail the endless phone calling.


Tale #3

PJ, whom you will remember got into a cascade of stupid little shit with the law and spent about two years in the hands of TDCJ. He's out now. He (today) asked me if I'd co-sign a student loan for him

Tale #4

Jayce, the lad that I had the date with last Wednesday called yesterday. Said he was going to stop by at 4, didn't hear further from him; I thought quite seriously about applying 'the rule' to him, the rule that says "no more calling." So, I came home from my class about 10:30, and I get this voice mail from him .. he's on the Gulf Freeway headed this way, I should call him back. So, I did, he came over - we had a nice time together. Two fun things, first, he says he's sorry that he hasn't been able to spend more time with me since we had our first date, and that he won't be able to until after spring break, which suggests that's the direction his thinking is going. Second, he asks me why I'm being so nice to him I said "Maybe Im just a nice guy." He says he never thought so I said "maybe I'm just trying to get you into bed"
He says "I'm already in your bed"

He's sweet, and fuzzy and cute.

Tonight, I'm commitedly staying in and watching DVDs. My first disc of Angel season five comes in tomorrow. Can you see me smiling?

Post-metaphysical giggle

Well, I came home tonight from my prac class in Spring, all ready to turn around and drive back out to the airport to meet up with a F/A from Mid-Atlantic who was coming in and wanted to meet for a drink. I got into a lightly heated debate with Nicole about taxes and government spending (basically, she and I both think there is a HUGE amount of waste in government spending, and that the military can make do with a lot less, that we have no business defending Italy, Germany, Great Britain, Japan and Korea, that governments shouldn't be doing advertising at all (except to tourists) and that the proposed sales tax/business payroll tax in Texas is a bad idea.

I think that if she and I had each a pack of red sharpies and the budget and a month, we could pare the thing down to something reasonable.

Anyway, I came home, and was finishing up my conversation with her, and my voice mail notification went off, which was weird. I hung up with Nicole, and listened to my voice mail (there had been a call from Travis the Chiro while I was in class, and I really didn't want to hear what he had to say) and it was Jayce. He was on his way back from Baybrook Mall, and he said I should call him back.

So, I did. He was just at that moment driving past the exit to my place, so I asked him if wanted to stop by. And, he did.

Choices. Blow off the F/A from Mid-Atlantic (who's got a husband already) for a man who could become a husband. Hmm.

Anyway, today was a productive day. More will follow in the morrow.

Monday, Monday (ver. 626.01)

Making progress already this morning. Corporate tax extension deadline is tomorrow, and I have only two more to go. Shredding mis-printed documents and stuff, filing, getting things organized.

later on

Okay, most of the tax work is done, most of the filing is done, the Fabulair Janus documents have gone out, and why does the bed in here still look like it's been overrun with paper?

Now, I have to do some simple zero dollar 940/941 returns, and get cleaned up, as Jayce is coming over about 4:00.

Monday, Monday (ver. 626.01)

Making progress already this morning. Corporate tax extension deadline is tomorrow, and I have only two more to go. Shredding mis-printed documents and stuff, filing, getting things organized.

later on

Okay, most of the tax work is done, most of the filing is done, the Fabulair Janus documents have gone out, and why does the bed in here still look like it's been overrun with paper?

Now, I have to do some simple zero dollar 940/941 returns, and get cleaned up, as Jayce is coming over about 4:00.

Trash disco

Curt called me as I was driving home from church/study group around 4:00 - he insisted that I join him for trash disco at the Mining Company .. I acquiesced. I was in a foul mood, and instead of napping (which I wanted to do) I cleaned up my apartment. He came by about 7:20, and we dashed over to the Mine, which has not functionally changed since the very early 1980s when I moved here.

Back in "the day," a DJ named John Sims used to work at the Mine, which always had outstanding music. Now, he only works Sunday nights from six to ten, and it's just like time travel. Most of the crowd is older (meaning, we were all there back in "the day.") The vodka is $1.50, and the music ROCKS. We were only there until 9:30, but what a wonderful lift. Song after song comes crashing over you, like surf upon the shore, and you remember how wonderful that time was in life.

I'm planning my 50th birthday party already. I don't know just where I'm going to hold it, but I'm going to do a Frank Sinatra type show with Guy and an orchestra, and then have John Sims spin records for a few hours.

Have a TON of stuff to accomplish tomorrow, both with client taxes and with Fabulair. Have to bring in some money, too.

Time for sleep, if my upstairs neighbor stops quarrying rock.

The PSoRC houses Ruby for the fourth night in a row

The PSoGJ has been occupado for days now. T called as I was driving home from UHCL, and told me that they had cooked up some appointments this afternoon, and that Ruby's wiring harness would have to wait. Not that it was a surprise; I was rather expecting same.

Anyhoo, at lunch, I learned that Isaac, my favorite waiter replacement for Ben (who can never be replaced, and who's been irritatingly silent since moving back to Austin to finish his master's) is leaving in two weeks for another part of the country, and that T&A have been hitting the streets again, sexually speaking. This presages another relationship melt-down, in which I will be again asked to mediate.

And this time, I'm going to tell them that they've made their bed, and can lie in it. No pun intended.

I myself failed to "spend" the $9MM in the game I set up last week for the study group. I only "spent" 10%. I simply can't see myself in some huge house, or owning a bunch of houses hither and yon. I'd like to have a few old Imperials. I'd love to spend some money fixing Ruby up. I'd like to have the townhouse that I "bought." I'd love to have some very nice clothes. And then, I'd like to travel, travel, travel. And, I'd like to keep working with business concepts that I cook up. And make a difference in gay people being accepted in this world. Other than that, I really don't think I could use that much.

More dreams

I was just thinking - last night, I had a dream about trying to meet up with Donna and Lisa, my two lady friends who are helping with Fabulair, and I was in some part of Houston that I didn't recognize at all. It was industrial, and right on the water. I had parked my car, and was walking to meet them, and there were all these weird, quasi-art deco buildings with Indian style domes and such .. and there were Indian people who were selling things out of these .. factories. I wandered into one of them, and a very handsome, tall Indian man offered to show me around. They had an eclectic assortment of bright clothing, men's suits (that were very .. ethnic? the coats were the style that are knee length, but they were kind of cool) and wooden roll top desks. It was very sunny outside, and there were rusted, small submarines tied up to the rotted docks out back. The Indian man told me that they transported their imported goods in the submarines.

After I looked through everything with him standing there, radiating welcome and friendship, I thanked him, and the other people who were in the shop/factory, and walked back out into the sunshine to go meet Lisa and Donna. That's when the dream ended (with the gentle sounds of "Living on Earth," the Saturday morning program on NPR.

Witches brewing

Strange what burps up when you're working on your inner psyche.

After teaching this morning, and after meeting Guy at Barnaby's to hear about my gay babies' latest sexual adventures (is it 1983 again?) I took a nap. Whilst snoozing, I started having these bizarre dreams about being in my grandmother's house, and that I had some witch (or witchlike woman) who had done something to me .. during this dream, I kept feeling like someone was clawing the back of my neck .. it was WEIRD. It almost felt like someone had two big lego, and was pinching the back of my neck.

Then, there were three guys whom I recognized, all of whom were in some dancing chorus. They kept telling me about the witch. Then, she was circling above the dance hall (which was my grandmother's house) and I somehow snagged her with a line of pure light. She was orbiting around, trapped like a fly on a string, and started reeling her in through the glass ceiling, while the dancing boys watched. She was talking trash in some insensible manner, and kept trying to get away while I pulled her in.

Right as I got her to the top of the glass ceiling, the lights in my bedroom started coming on, and I woke up.

I had a discussion with PJ's kid today; his attitude about affection and sex is just so .. wide open. He just wants to be happy, and is willing to be with whomever makes him happy.

What would the world be like if everyone felt that way? Not that everyone was sexually flexible, but if they just didn't think about how other people received their affection and affirmation? How much time is spent worrying, thinking, manipulating, pondering, talking about and trying to control how other people express themselves in love and in sex?

I think he may come to visit over Easter; I hope so. Maybe we'll meet in Dallas and hang out with my friends up there. I would love to spend more time with him; he's so pulled together in so many ways.

Okay, off to watch the rest of "Sunset Boulevard," and "Dark City."

Amazing ..

That just couldn't have gone any better if it had been scripted out and rehearsed. WOW.

Water washes away everything

I've actually been productive so far today - I've written about 70% of the Fabulair documentation that I need to have done, I've put away the last of the things that were taken off the walls when the guys re-carpeted, I've put away and organized all the music CDs into their cases which are neatly mounted on the guest room closet wall (above the VHS, the vinyl LPs and the sheet music) and organized my ten year collection of Airliners magazines and Trains magazines. WHOOP!

Now, I'm going to finish organizing my bedroom closet, clean the bathroom, vacuum, and dust .. and THEN, Trev is coming over, and needs me to cash a check for him, and I have to zip by Randall's to pick up stuff for my DATE TONIGHT!

He (the date) said the NICEST thing to me; "I'm just beaming red. I've always thought
you you as being fascinating, intelligent, all the qualities I enjoy."

Okay, I am now returning to the land of productivity!

A couple of steps forward, a step back

In this morning's news, I had a delightful dinner last night with my friend Billy, who is a redcoat for Continental, and whose father has worked for Southwest airlines for nearly thirty years. It was my first opportunity to brief him on Fabulair, and after I explained how it worked for him, he said "I want in. What can I do?"

Unfortunately, he doesn't have $250,000 lying around, but his efforts and input will be welcome.

And, my muse has returned.

The Marvin the Martian sweatshirt that I had wanted on eBay sold for $4.00 more than my maximum bid, more's the pity, and I have a date tonight with Jayce, who is a lad that I have thought highly desirable for YEARS. I ran into him on a hook-up website on Monday, and didn't know who he was (the headless horseman thing) Turns out that all my requests that we go out years ago didn't strike him as an expression of interest. So, the direct approach brought the reply "I never thought you were interested in me." "Who are you?" "Jayce" "You're KIDDING, right? I've always thought you were one of the most beautiful men on the planet!"

We have a date tonight.

I have finally brought in what to say about the seed money campaign for Fabulair. Have to work on that here today, and then work on the INCREDIBLE business that I'm starting with my favorite client after our meeting last night.

Where is Joey when I need to have the CDs alphabetized, and the magazines sorted and put in racks? Bleh.

Spring cleaning

Well, I started off doing quite well today. I got a number of things done, and then, I jammed my shredder, right in the middle of a jumbo tax return. I need to wait for T to come over and fix it for me, so now I've been uploading most of my picture files to Yahoo, and burning music off to CD-ROM so that I can free up some disc space.

Which is now nearly complete. I have laundered the sheets, and am about to exchange the bedcovers for the ones I bought on eBay oh, a year ago. I haven't jumped up to go do that yet.

I have about an hour and a half before my meeting with my favorite client at 5:00. I suppose I should make the best of it.

A puny excuse

Darlene, my prayer partner, tonight told us a story about her life that was .. jaw dropping. What she grew up with, and from where she came. Oh, my GOD. She is indistinguishable in her countenance and carriage from any other middle class person. She has re-defined herself and created a new reality that is a much greater step than for me to take myself from where I am to an international figure of importance with great wealth. Seriously.

I have to seriously look at my "story" about my limitations, and get a grip. So, tonight, after I fold laundry, send a fax to the TWC lady after re-creating my schedule for the first half of the year and take the dogs outside, I'm going to do more "dot connecting."

I've finished up in my mind what I'm creating with this whole Fabulair thing .. it's going to grow into an organization much like AARP, but for gay people. Marketing, branding, lobbying .. an organization that carries some weight behind it.

If we had something like AARP; something with a minimal membership cost, something where we could start to demonstrate our marketing horsepower, where we could offer group insurance for people with HIV, retirement plans, retirement villages, marketing consulting, death benefits, travel benefits .. and so on.

Brian and me (as the red fairy) Halloween, 2002. Moments later, I set my tutu on fire with the candle that is just out of the picture to the right. 

Naps and dreams - rainy Monday edition

I had a big old nap today; Monday is rather my Sunday, since Sunday is more like a Wednesday.

Anyway, during nap #2 (there was a telephone call that broke the omni-nap into two segments) I had a dream about Brian. I haven't thought about Brian in a great long time. In this dream (and, probably in real life) I was head over heels with Brian, and he was with me. Brian is one of the most stunning creatures I've ever met, and I met him right after Johnny's death in 2002. He has since orbited out, still lives in Houston so far as I can tell, as I occasionally run into him (see archives.) Anyway, it was very powerful (in the dream) how much I loved him.

I had the most unusual experience today; I was surfing around on an online dating/hook-up site, and saw this handsome looking man I had not seen before. I shot him a message, and, after some to-ing and fro-ing, it turns out that I know him. He never thought I was interested in him. I had asked him out several times back three or four years ago, and I thought he wasn't interested in me. So, what we were studying yesterday in class about perceptions and all - proven today in life.

The 1980 Seville was the first to produce the bustle trunk, but the Imperial's was actually designed earlier, and was better looking. 

The first all electronic dashboard 

talk about lavish American style luxury (1981 definitions) 

how disco is this? 

Rainy Mondays

Okay, so I finally blogged on the Fabulair site. I need to ask Chuck to re-insert the link to that site on the Fabulair site, and to include the link to our "store" for merchandise. I thought (when I signed up) that one could incorporate the online store into one's own website, but .. I seem to be missing something.

Having lunch with Kurtis at 12:30 - somewhere.

I had in mind to bake bread today, too .. I should get on that, huh?

I have been thinking about the conservative "straight" community, and I have some ideas:

a.) If marriage is a sacred and sacrosanct institution that requires protection from "attack," then, let's jump on board. We protect marriage's position in society by making adultery criminally illegal, and make divorce impossible under ANY circumstances. One man, one woman, one chance.

b.) If gay people aren't allowed to adopt or foster children, why should we be expected to pay for public education?

c.) If the world can discriminate against gay people in hiring, housing, promotions and such, why can't we likewise discriminate in kind in reverse?

subject change

I've pretty much decided that I want to buy this 1981 Imperial that I found on the net. It's unique, it's loaded, it's like new, and it's very fun. I am going to upload a picture or two of it here as soon as I can get "Hello" to cooperate.

The murky mirror

Well, today's marathon church session went well; my "lesson" that I gave went very well. Got home around 4:30, finally. A LONG day. Not that my mood really improved any - what we worked on in the class didn't help, it just sort of focused my irritation.

I have no earthly idea what the foundation of this mood is; I know what the external symptoms are, but I haven't been able to connect them up with other behaviors and patterns that would clue me in as to what this is linked to. I'll literally have to spend this week focusing on this.

I also have to focus on everything else. I have Fabulair work to get done this week, want to work with Ryan on the new mortgage product that he and I cooked up, have tax returns to do, have to clean up the wreckage that is my apartment. Lilly Roddy said in my March horoscope that I should focus on bringing order into my environment. Since I've been getting things organized that have never been done in the seven years I've lived here, that's something to consider.

Oh, and I haven't even looked at my homework for tomorrow night yet. Yeah, that needs doing also. And, I need to bake more bread tomorrow. And do laundry.

Joey came by to retrieve some money for the little handyman tasks he's done for me; while I am grateful for the accomplishments, it has taken too much conversation and too much time for the three hours worth of work. He and T keep promising that they're going to work on Ruby's wiring harness, but not only do they days keep getting put off, the time promises never seem to materialize. So, I think it's time to find a reputable shop to re-wire the stereo and put in the OnStar before they stop supporting analog OnStar systems.

Part of what I'm stuck on, and part of why it's got Fabulair dead stuck too, is that I have a hard time seeing myself this accepted by the gay community. By gay men, specifically. That's a tie-in with the whole being stood up/rejected thing that I have encountered since about 1984. When I try to look into this, I get no inner monologue, and just want to go unconscious. What gives?

Anyway, I have a headache, have two days' worth of work to get done tomorrow, and need some sleep. I'm going to cogitate on this some more and see what comes in the morrow.

Such a fuss

What a weird mood I'm in today. I woke up ready for battle, expecting the worst from teaching. Of course, today would normally be the day that I would call my sister for my regular ass-chewing, and the whole idea of having to do that made me cranky. I think that, plus knowing that I was about to be canceled on by Tim, and that Joseph had blown me off last night contributed to my foul mood.

Of course, this line of expectation created some fun stuff .. a nifty auto accident on the Gulf Freeway that made me late for class, an unsatisfactory conversation with my father on the phone .. "How is your little business coming along?" "What, do you mean my business to create an international gay charter airline?" "Yes!" "How could you possibly call that a little business?" This after my listening to the home improvement project update for 15 minutes.

The class went well, once I got there, then met Guy for lunch, which was nice. Came home, took a nap, then started watching "For Whom The Bells Toll." People LIKE this crap? Bleh.

I'm shopping for Marvin the Martian stuff again. That should tell you something.

Have no desire to do the class tomorrow afternoon after church; I so want to call it off.

Okay, time to shut off this incredibly boring movie and go to bed.

Leader of the Pack

Ditchard wrote to me this morning - a forward alleging that if I merely forwarded this email to ninety-five persons and to a champagne bottler, that I would receive a half-case of this lovely champagne.

NOT.

It took me about 60 seconds to find the scam on snopes.com, and to reply to "all" and burst another bubble. Why do people think that things in life are free?

Last night's board meeting was very interesting, in a good way. The R wasn't there, and we were quite frank about things. It's clear that the energy has shifted and isn't working anymore. We talked about what to do with that, and started creating several things, including having our own leased space for the group, and having me in charge of the group.

Anyway, it looks as if I'll be the actual study group director in fact and in name in a matter of weeks.

Had an awesome meeting with my favorite client today, and brainstormed up a TERRIFIC new business together - something that I can do alongside Fabulair, I suspect.

Had dinner with L, that was lovely as is usual. Been working all night on merchandise for Fabulair, and talking on the phone - the free legal advice sign has burned out, I think.

The vacuum of space

Well, I have thought and I have meditated, and I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to push myself every morning and ongoingly until I get out of this ditch. I did just crawl into my bedroom closet and create some sanity; next I am going to work on this office and get it finished so that I know right where I am and have everything ready to work with. I have to get the excuses out of the way, and then .. to the races!

Also B/T/G - an earlier photo. 

Brad/Tom/Ger ..  

I dreamt of R&R last night - two dreams, one each. Very strange. In the one, R was coming to me at my new office (which was very funky and disorganized - in fact, I was sitting outside on the sidewalk with a table and a wireless connection, and the occupants of the office whose signal I was pirating kept coming out and haranguing me.) R came up, that big old grin on his face, and he had this sheaf of legal papers that he wanted me to look at - the papers were all photocopies, and bad ones at that .. it was clear that text had been redacted out.

Finally, I was able to piece together that it was some serious lawsuit about fraudulent endorsements on some checks .. and that R was the principal defendant (which information had been assiduously redacted out.)

Weird.

Today was partly productive, and partly not. I did have a 20 year old over to fix my bookcase (broken in the recarpeting) and to reinstall a shelf in the living room. He also waxed Ruby, and started re-working the stereo wiring in her. Tomorrow, I'm going to clean her door and trunk jams, and take her over to vacuum her out. Either T or Joey will come by tomorrow, re-install the power cord for the XM, and pull apart the dash (again) to figure out how River Oaks Car Stereo screwed up the speaker wiring three years ago. Once they get that fixed, who knows? The sky could be the limit!

Had my last class of the second trimester of Prac I tonight - that was kind of fun; I have four papers to get cranked out .. oh, by Friday. Several of us in the class are just "in the weeds." As in, can't figure out which end is up, unmotivated, unfocused, behind, directionless, etc. I guess we discussed that, through the first 2/3 of Prac I, so much time is spent uprooting our counter-productive self-definitions, that one gets to a point where one has tossed out most of the old, and there is nothing new to take its place.

Or, at least that's what I got out of it.

I have a meeting with Chuck and Donna on Thursday to get re-fabu'd, and have tomorrow and the rest of the week to get re-started there.

Dennis says that he objects to my recent lack of blogging - so, this is for Dennis.

Went out on the Last Safari Saturday night. There is no reason to go back, ever. Safari has been permanently moved to Sunday nights - trash disco at the Mining Company.

Missed talking to Brad/Tom/Ger today. I sure like him. He's smart, witty, cute, flirtatious, and wonderful.

The married guy came over today. And, Travis called today .. wanting to "get together." Enough euphemisms, thank you. I think I'll get busy by Thursday.

Okay, I have to finish reading this article about the Bank of Korea diversifying out of dollar holdings, and go to bed.

Trevor got the XM fixed today in Ruby - no line noise. He got that finished, and then I dashed down to Clear Lake to meet with a marketing guru who is interested in working with us.

Had an OUTSTANDING MEETING with the guy in Clear Lake. Headed back this way at 6:15. Talked to Mikey, who was bringing by my old Sprint phone, and we agreed to meet at the Casita de Divo for Gracious Living at 7:00 - enough time for me to return, walk the mutts and be ready for him.

I pulled around in front of the leasing office - there sat the Parking Space of Great Joy - empty! I pulled in, backed into said PSoGJ and started to turn the car off. I had been listening to the XM on the way home .. which was making me very happy. I looked down at the display, and it was just changing to the song about to load - "At Midnight." T-Connection, 1978, reached #56 on the pop charts that year.

They started playing the opening riff .. it went on and on and on .. I didn't want to get out of the car. They play the song every few days, but always the three minute version. The introduction was nearly as long as the entire single! I just sat there, with the car off, listening to the XM, and CRANKED it. I still have a headache.

It was twelve minutes long. It was awesome. It was like being 21 again, and having a car with a great (at the time) stereo, except that the separation and the different instruments were throbbing through me. It was better than being 21 in 1979.

Now, I so want the front speakers wired properly. Oh, my GOD. I went through the packet of instructions and stuff for the stereo equipment tonight to figure out how to program the text display on the head unit, and revisited how much I paid for all this stuff back in 1999. And, baby, it sounds like it.

Except for that whole front speaker thing - I know I can get another 30% of sound improvement out of it.

Then, OnStar!!!!!!!!!

A crazy day. Been sorting through papers that have stacked up here; have managed to get a ton of stuff cleared off of the bed/file table here but still have a ton more to do.

Why is Office Depot so hard to do business with? I ordered stamps.com labels from them Wednesday night online. They didn't have them at the store yesterday, although their website said that they did. Then, they were to deliver them today.

Nothing. No call, no email, no show. Just like it was a date or something.

Waiting for Migh-T and Ali to show up for their photo shoot at IAH; meeting Steven up there at 2:30ish. Have to be there promptly at 2:30 to pick up the security passes. Don't know how long this will all take; hopefully not REAL long. Taking Guy to Sam's Club to buy tires after, and I still would like to get some busy work done here - I have ten years' worth of floppy diskettes that I'd like to go through, make sure that there isn't any data there that I want to preserve and then reformat the lot of them. I need to mail out all the OutSmart magazines from last month (assuming that my labels show up) and install this new software that synchronizes Outlook with one's cell phone (if it's the right model.) And, I want to hook up the DVD player to the home theater, which requires enough daylight to be able to see back there.

Mikey wants to go out for libations tonight after he watches "Enterprise." I finally watched the three Netflix that I had sitting here, and sent them back. If I keep this pace up, I'll have to downgrade my plan or cancel it entirely.

You are lost, you’ve been bouncin’ off the high roof tops
On a plane to disaster
You will crash, I was thinking about it a you passed my way
You will drop if you cannot turn the engine prop
Then you’re really in danger
So I stand, though I’d like to make your landin’ safe, okay

Lots of runway, room to spare
Trouble due to pilot error
Approach is good, they’ve cleared the air
Trouble due to pilot error

You’re distressed and are tipping back from right to left
While you look for an answer
Coming down you can see the people on the ground go by
You have doubts, take a miracle to pull you out
You can’t go any faster
I can see that you haven’t any wings to fly, oh, no

Almost home without a care
Trouble due to pilot error (Trouble due to pilot error), oh...oh...
Partly cloudy, skies to fair
Trouble due to pilot error (Trouble due to pilot error), oh, yeah

You are lost, you’ve been bouncin’ off the high roof tops
On a plane to disaster
You will crash, I was thinking about it a you passed my way

Lots of runway, room to spare
Trouble due to pilot error (Trouble due to pilot error)
Approach is good, they’ve cleared the air
Trouble due to pilot error (Trouble due to pilot error), oh...oh...

Almost home without a care
Trouble due to pilot error (Trouble due to pilot error), oh, yeah
Partly cloudy, skies to fair
Trouble due to pilot error (Trouble due to pilot error)

Song: Pilot Error ~~ 1983 ~~ 5:07
Artist: Stephanie Mills
LP/CD: Merciless ~~ Casablanca ~~ 1983
Composer: P. Kingsberry

Waiting for L to return - we're working on some legal documents for him (and no, this doesn't represent WORK, this represents me doing a favor for one of my best friends) I'm on hold with Sprint technical support so that I can try to get the phone that Guy loaned me connected to my text messaging and vision service.

I should be in bed. T is in bed, although I suspect that as soon as I lift out of this chair, he'll be working over the keyboard like crazy to try to attract .. whatever.

I had such an awful day today. I got nothing done that I planned to; everything was behind schedule, and I busted my phone. Through my own anger. Now, I need a new one.

I have to go to bed now. Conversations with my late night crew are hurting my psyche.

Okay, so much for THAT idea.

Well, this has been an interesting month. At least, Ruby is paid off, and things are moving forward. LOTS of planning and execution to be done to pull off this business, and I just feel .. swamped? Overwhelmed? I guess.

Lance and Nikki are both seemingly about to get jobs - YAY! T just lost his.

Let's see how February turns out!

It's not a choice!

Genetic Regions Influencing Male Sexual Orientation Identified



January 27, 2005 -- In the first-ever study combing the entire human genome for genetic determinants of male sexual orientation, a University of Illinois at Chicago researcher has identified several areas that appear to influence whether a man is heterosexual or gay.



The study, which is currently available online, will be published in the March issue of the biomedical journal Human Genetics.

UIC's Brian Mustanski, working with colleagues at the National Institutes of Health, found stretches of DNA that appeared to be linked to sexual orientation on three different chromosomes in the nucleus of cells of the human male.

"There is no one 'gay' gene," said Mustanski, a psychologist in the UIC department of psychiatry and lead author of the study. "Sexual orientation is a complex trait, so it's not surprising that we found several DNA regions involved in its expression."

"Our best guess is that multiple genes, potentially interacting with environmental influences, explain differences in sexual orientation."

The genomes of 456 men from 146 families with two or more gay brothers were analyzed.

While earlier studies had focused solely on the X chromosome, one of the two sex chromosomes, the present study examined all 22 pairs of non-sex chromosomes in addition to the X chromosome. The other sex chromosome, called Y, was not explored because it is not believed to contain many genes.

Identical stretches of DNA on three chromosomes -- chromosomes 7, 8 and 10 -- were found to be shared in about 60 percent of the gay brothers in the study, compared to about 50 percent expected by chance. The region on chromosome 10 correlated with sexual orientation only if it was inherited from the mother.

"Our study helps to establish that genes play an important role in determining whether a man is gay or heterosexual," said Mustanski. "The next steps will be to see if these findings can be confirmed and to identify the particular genes within these newly discovered chromosomal sequences that are linked to sexual orientation."

Other researchers involved in the study were Dean Hamer, at the National Institutes of Health; Nicholas Schork and Caroline Nievergelt, at the University of California at San Diego; Michael DuPree, at Pennsylvania State University; and Sven Bocklandt, at the University of California at Los Angeles.

The study was supported in part by grants from the National Science Foundation and the National Institutes of Health.

UIC ranks among the nation's top 50 universities in federal research funding and is Chicago's largest university with 25,000 students, 12,000 faculty and staff, 15 colleges and the state's major public medical center. A hallmark of the campus is the Great Cities Commitment, through which UIC faculty, students and staff engage with community, corporate, foundation and government partners in hundreds of programs to improve the quality of life in metropolitan areas around the world.

Moving substantially everything here in the apartment in anticipation of the carpeting guys, who are late or not depending on which time estimate you go with. I have the living room and dining room done, and now, have to set upon my bedroom, which won't take real long.

Of course, pulling all of this stuff out and under furniture makes me realize that it ALL has to be cleaned before it gets put back.

Okay. Everything is pulled out of orbit for the anticipated arrival of the carpeting guys. Having moved a number of pieces of furniture and some other stuff, oof, the carpeting in here is DISGUSTING.

I hope that the new carpeting adds a freshness that has been absent in the air here for some time.

I have a TON of crap! I knew this, but .. urgh.

I wonder how long this day is going to take to put everything BACK. I can't shower or anything until this is all done.

Oh, my. Well, we'll just have to see where this day takes us.

This is just crappy. I had invited .. six? People over for dinner. I knew that L. couldn't come, as he had to work. SD said "it looked good for him coming," but I haven't heard a peep out of him since this morning. T is off trying to get back with his boyfriend, I'm sure, and TM said he WOULD BE HERE AT 5:00 but had to leave to make a date with some child he met at his apartment complex.

And no one is here.

I have to begin to take down the fragile stuff here in the apartment tonight. Maybe I'll just drag my carcass out of bed at 6:00 am, and start it in the morning. The carpeteers come at 8:00ish, and I need to have the living room/dining room cleared of breakables by then.

Two DVDs to choose from tonight - I think I'll watch the classic "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" and see how things go.

Dinner is spinach salad with tangerine slices and walnuts. Yummy!

Just had a dream about Joel, and threatening weirdness. It involved my Aunt Donna, television characters, some small town, washing machines, a crowded, small bedroom, and ..

very bizarre.

I just canceled dinner with Nancy and Nicole. I wonder if that was the right thing to do?

I have to walk these dogs. And think about what tonight will hold.

Interesting morning. I surfed through a.net and found six images that I thought would be good for the website. I sent them all requests for license, and so far have had one positive reply.

I've done a bunch of talking, and not a bunch of acting so far. I have to run out here in a bit, buy 1099 forms and W-2 forms, run to the county courthouse, and pick up some mailing labels.

Waiting to hear from T. as to what the heck's going on.

interesting. I had a feeling that things were not all what they were cracked up to be in my friend T's relationship, and today - he tells me that they just broke up. I'm not going to get into the whole whether T got taken for a ride question - but, I've offered to let him move in here. I think he's going to take me up on that tomorrow.

Got a LOT of stuff done today. Thank God! Worked a bit on designing my drdivo website, which is REALLY behind schedule. Have some more tax returns coming in this week yet - where IS my stuff? I guess I'll need to go BUY 1099 forms for clients. The IRS order hasn't been filled.

They'll probably show up in February.

Okay, so it's time to hit the hay. Will I EVER watch these stupid Netflix that I've got here?

Okay, it's verified. Ruby is INDEED paid off. I've called to cancel out worry and fret, and she's paid for, and they're processing the lien release.

Waiting at bank #3 (of this morning's four bank runs) for the church board president to meet me, that I can hand her a package of documents that need to be photocopied. Then, breeze by my bank, and then back to the center of civilization to meet Lance for lunch.

Ruby is paid for. In full. Done, paid, over with, she's mine, the title will be in the mail within a few weeks. This is the first time since 1977 that I haven't had car payments. Amazing. I went online last night, and found a lightly used Sony CDX C90 to have installed in her. I'll have the OnStar installed now, the upgraded stereo, and drive her until the wheels fall off.

My brain was SO engaged in cross talk the whole way to the bank this morning - they wouldn't cash the check, I'd have an accident, someone would rob me, the lender wouldn't accept the money, WHATEVER. It seems that the old way of being was fighting being proven wrong with all the energy it could muster.

Thanks to Lisa, Rosita, Donna, Darlene, my dad, everyone who was pulling for me to resolve this without having to buy another car or otherwise refinance this little note.

Nothing like a deadline to make one intentional and creative. I have to pay the car off by Monday or give it back. So, I'm working every angle I can come up with. I have to dash down to a Toyota store to see about trading in my car and finding a new one.

Now, I have to put magazines into envelopes and address them. FUN!

Just spent the last two hours working with my credit reports online. Experian makes it SO damned hard to get into their system. CSC/Equifax is the easiest in some ways, but Trans Union is just the best overall from a consumer standpoint.

Now, I have to re-mail experian the information I sent them six weeks ago that they ignored. Bastards.

I'm eating what Mikey made for dinner last night. YUMMY!

And Tim, a guy that I met through the theater eons ago wrote me back today - been months since I've heard from him. That was nice.

Today, as I pushed Barney out of the way for the eleventy-fifth time, I was thinking .. he's so damned needy .. for the six thousand nine hundredth time this year (so far) and it hit me ..

My "sentence" is "I'm not wanted." And I have two dogs that are SO "not wanted," we have Barney, the neediest dog in creation, and Jackie, who was abandoned as a young adult and lived on the street all those years. Before that, I had Fred, who was abandoned when his owner moved out and just LEFT him behind.

How funny is that?

the inside of the chariot 

the perfect Divo chariot 

I've been wanting to pontificate in a profound manner for a while, but I've been in Florida visiting my dad, and working my tail off. Even today, which I'm taking at a languid pace, I'm still cleaning, putting things away, throwing things away, processing paperwork, etc. Very cathartic.

Class again tonight. Yesterday, I had to give the presentation in church - this is what the board president said today in an email:

"Your talk & demos yesterday were perfect. That is the best graphic to GET how all three planes work together! I've always been sort of intellectually O.K. with the concept, but could never truly visually integrate it or never fully internalize it. Thank you God for Play Dough & for Douglas!"

That was fun.

Last night, Kurtis called to say that he had picked up his new A4 - he drove it over for me to see it. It truly is a lovely car; I'm very glad for him.

Naturally, thus inspired, I had to surf eBay for an Audi of my own - and found a 2003 S8 - rarer than hen's teeth - in New Jersey, CPO, 22,000 miles, it's gorgeous. I'll pixelate it here in a moment.

Okay, more work to be done that can't involve a keyboard. More after class tonight.

OutSmartMagazine.com

The first day of Fabulairity - 42 visitors today, and 52 unique visitors for the month SO FAR. And, there's no publicity yet!

Another swamped day. Had a good meeting with Aliver, had a good board meeting, had a delightful dinner with Rosita, came home and have two new magazines to read .. it's almost midnight, and I have to take the dogs outside in the rain yet and ..

I just want to crawl into bed.

Check it out! FABULAIR! Join the Mile High Club as a charter member and get cool stuff!

Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!
The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.


It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.


"And they're buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow's the first Gay Wedding! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"


For, tomorrow, he knew...
All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!


And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!


"I MUST stop Gay Marriage from coming! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.


And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"
"All I need is a Scripture..." The Grinch looked around.


But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I'll fake one instead!"
"It's one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.


Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"


Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!


And he stuffed them in bags.
Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.

Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.

He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!


"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."

And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.


Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.

The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I'll fix the rings there and I'll bring them back here."

It was quarter past dawn... All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"

"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn't come from the court.
Maybe Marriage...perhaps... comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."

And what happened then...? Well...in Gayville they say
that the Grinch's small brain grew three sizes that day!

And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.

They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he... ...HE HIMSELF... hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!

The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."

Tuesday after Monday after New Year's eve. I've been making progress at clearing things out ... setting out what there is for me to do in the way of work today. Have to get some websites up and functional today. HAVE to.

Driving down to Clear Lake today to visit with John McG. So, pretty quick here, I'll have to get cleaned up, put up the Christmas stuff into the closet and hit the streets. Have to stop at Office Depot here pretty soon and pick up some supplies. Then, back here to hopefully work with Chuck on the website project. That's about all I can focus on today.

Already after lunch ... I have been [finally] clearing through some of the work that needs doing.

I've paid every single bill, invoice and request for money. Well, all expect the BIG ones. I much prefer having larger bank balances, but it's nice to know that everything is handled.

The apartment is clean, and I have a bunch more simple stuff to still get done today. I now should shower and get ready for Mikey's arrival, which I will morph into a trip to Spec's, the post office and to Cities.

Tonight, I have to watch these Netflix and get them out of my hair. Travis said that he would call today, but I haven't heard from him, and I'm no longer motivated.

I did get all the light timers in place, but still have to re-work the two in the bedroom.

Time to shower!

Already 10:00 pm. I have gotten so much done today, and it feels like nothing. I got some of the laundry done, and some of my stuff unpacked, but .. I got most of the new timers installed .. but until I take the tree down and move the piano out, it won't be fully done. And, I'm wrestling with the question of having my carpeting replaced .. if I do, that means I have to move EVERYTHING out - it will be almost like moving in toto. However, if they replace the carpeting, all the dirt in the corners and edges will go out WITH the old carpeting, along with Jackie's multitudinous pee spots. The whole apartment could smell 1000% better.

So, I have to consider this further.

I have 100+ CDs that have to be gone through, sorted, put back into their racks, and the racks attached to a wall .. somewhere..

I'm wanting to swap out my duvet cover .. but the drapes don't match .. AARGH!

Talked to my Aunt Liz tonight for nearly 2 1/2 hours. That was GREAT. Life changing, actually. I have to think about this some more, but .. parts of my family (the four horsewomen of the apocolypse) are actually more screwed up than I thought, and .. I'm okay!

Ah, home again, home again. My luggage finally made it - collected it about 10:00 tonight. I haven't cracked any of it open just yet. I should see if Nicole's gift made it home without being shattered into a zillion pieces.

HOOORAY! It made it unscathed!

Judy pulled one out of a hat while I was gone; that was some trick!

I should be exhausted. I've been up since 0300, and it's now nearly midnight. I need to put the sheets back on the bed, and then crawl into it.

NeoN's email about Houston being nuked in a faked terrorist attack upset me far worse than I was willing to let on. I really love my apartment, love where I live and am very comfortable here. I don't want that to end in a blaze of political fire.

Anyway .. tomorrow is a busy day. I think I should take the mutts out for a minute, and then hit the hay.

Sunday night - most everyone is going back to work in the morning. Tomorrow seems to be all planned out already; my trip here is already coming to an end. I have to pack up my bags tomorrow evening, and I'm scheduled out of here on Tuesday morning at 11:00. I'm thinking of trying to stand by for an earlier flight, but that puts me out of here before 7:30 on Tuesday morning again; otherwise, I have a 50 minute connection in PHL and I have to go from terminal B to terminal F, which includes a shuttle bus ride.

Today was nice; we saw "Meet the Fockers," went to the mall, enjoyed the snowfall, had leftovers and played a board game, and then watched "Mystery Men," which I had never heard of. It was very low key and pleasant.

I'm thinking that Tuesday is too soon for U to get their collective stuff together, which is why I don't feel like trusting that I can make a 50 minute connect that day.

I'm looking forward to being home again. Haven't dreamt about the dogs yet, which is very strange. When I get home, I have to decide if I'm going to stay where I am, or whether I should move into a new place. I found a GREAT place just a few blocks away .. but, the cost to move! Sheesh. I just don't know.. Of course, I've asked for new carpeting where I am, and if I stay, I'll still have to move everything OUT of the apartment, and then back in again. The whole place would be MUCH cleaner, since the seven year old carpeting and padding would be replaced. But, oof! The work!

Judy wants to spend Wednesday "doing the museums" or something. While it sounds fun and all, I still have to get some work done by the end of the year. Friday, I have to clean for the people who are coming over that night. Saturday, homework .. yeep. Have a ton of it to complete by Monday, and also have to re-work the business financials..

Jarred called me yesterday - just up and called me. That was really great.

Time to crawl into bed, I think. Didn't sleep well last night.

Have to get into the shower in just a minute to be ready for Lance's arrival. Have a bunch of errands to run, and then have to get back here to get a bunch of work done before leaving for Albany in the morning.

I guess the question that wraps up this holiday season is - will I survive the next few week? Or are radical changes coming up for me that are punitive and humiliating?

I think it's just time to throw in the towel.

I'm out of words.

Okay, so .. here I am, looking for a client's file, and can't figure out WHERE I put it. Lovely.

So, I have to tear through everything to see if I can find it in time to prepare the documents that I have promised to deliver .. YUCK!

And, I have to see if I can reschedule my OutSmart interview for tomorrow. The whole no car thing is a huge impediment.

The black rings represent the cascading damage if a terrorist nuclear device was exploded in the Central Business District of Houston 

Houston, a recent morning with solid fog 

So, what if it were true? What if it were true that "terrorists" were set to explode a nuclear device in Houston on December 27?

Okay, so the "gossip" is politically suspect, but it's deliciously appealing, in a morbid sort of a way.

A bomb "several times that of Nagasaki" would be on the order of .20 megatons. Obviously, if it's a trunk bomb, it will be surface detonated.

The highest pressure zone would be within one half mile of detonation - nothing
would be left standing, and 90% casualties. If the weapon were detonated in the CBD on the 27th (a work day) nearly a million people would die.

Within the one-half mile to 1.25 mile circle, very little would be left standing, and 50% dead, 40% injured with very short life cycles.

Between 1.25 and 3 miles, severe damage to wood frame structures. 5% fatalities
and 40% injured.

Between 3 and 5 miles out, some damage. Commercial structures largely
untouched.

So, basically, if the blast occurred in the CBD, all of Houston's historical "wards" would be wiped out, as would Midtown, Montrose, UofH (both of them,) and the Heights. The areas of River Oaks, Southampton, Rice Military would be severely damaged and uninhabitable. Most everything inside the loop west of downtown would be too badly damaged, and irradiated to be re-occupied.

The fallout would be severe. If the blast occurred in the CBD, based on
prevailing winds, most of inner Houston out to about Hillcroft would be irreversibly
irradiated.

It never rains, but it pours.

The most exciting thing that happened today was reading this political hype email about a potential nuclear terrorist attack on Houston, allegedly set for December 27.

After that, the whole car blowing up and being towed off for $500 of repairs was sweet. $500 I don't have, and don't know if I will have until after Christmas.

Nicole came by with my Christmas gift - it is a copy of Fahrenheit 9/11 - I screamed I was so pleased. I'm surprised she didn't burst into flame when she carried it to the cash register. As she said, it's proof positive that her love for me means more than ideology. What a sweet Christmas sentiment!!

I haven't done a lick of work today. I have a bunch TO do. Rescheduled my IRS audit, due to auto infirmity. I don't know how I'm getting to my interview tomorrow afternoon.

I know what I'm wearing; don't know how I'm getting there. I guess I'll have to take a cab. Bleh.

I should vacuum and clean the kitchen floor. And get ready to walk the mutts.

I need a Christmas miracle.

Wow. Just got home a couple of hours ago from Dallas.

I accomplished everything that I intended to; Al didn't have the balls to ask me for a drink - he had Donnie do it. Everyone else was VERY nice to me, and very glad I was there. I don't know if Al was at all inhibited at the party, but he sure was around me. And, Donnie was clearly irritated that Al couldn't be man enough to come up to me and ask me to make him something.

Today, Gary came over to Larry's, brought breakfast, we watched two movies, then we went for Mexican (bleh) and I drove home.

The drive home was smooth sailing, but, I kept thinking that my headlight pattern was weird - turns out one of my Super Blue headlight bulbs was out. I have, of course, the old headlamp bulbs from two years ago (I never installed the Super Blue bright bulbs .. silly) So, do I replace the Super Blues? Or .. ?

Clearly, I have to put in the old ones for a while.

Anyway.

Ruby is SUCH a great car. I really need to get her polished up.

Work for tomorrow, work Tuesday, another IRS audit on Tuesday, bleh.

I have to put myself to bed here soon.

Sunny, gorgeous day here. I'm driving to Dallas in a little while. I've been playing with my Quicken register, and getting mentally ready for the trip. I have to go through my CD collection, as Albert is working Sunday night at Cactus, and I can liquidate everything that's not interesting anymore. I also need to get the car washed, and stop by Sprint to try to trade out my headset.

Just decided to have a New Year's Eve party and sent out the evite. When I get back from Dallas, I'll send out the cute little cocktail invitations that I have (and haven't used yet.)

Talked to Rev. D for two hours last night - people kept coming up to us and asking us if we were going to join the party. Uh, no.

Time to scan some stuff and post it to the Prac I group, then shower, and drive up to big D.

Well, it's already a weird day here. Judy, who has been pestering me for a week about working on some things for her, has canceled our morning teleconference, because her son got drunk and passed out at OU. Uh, hello? He's 21? Why is this a parental crisis?

So, she's rushed off to Norman to "pick him up" and bring him home to Corpus. THAT will work out for her. However, this means that she is deferring out conversation (and of course paying me) until whenever it's convenient for her. Again.

I'm so tired of this life.

Jarred confirmed that he's meeting me for lunch this afternoon, and I'm about to shower to go meet a client and pick up a check from him. I have to fill out some forms for clients and get those in the mail this afternoon, then a meeting with a photographer who wants some business consulting guidance. After that, we have the church's Christmas party, and I'm invited to go meet Zelko for his 30th birthday. I don't even know what these clubs ARE that he's going to. I dunno.

Have to figure out how I'm going to dress for today. It's sort of warm-ish and humid, which is kind of disgusting. Not hot enough for the a/c to run, but too warm to be comfortable without it.

Okay, have to finish getting ready to head out.

Interesting day so far. Got the guest room all tidied up, got the dusting done (mostly) and got all the filing done. Have a short stack of things to accomplish in the morning, and got most of those done. The house is in really good shape now.

Nicole and Nancy came over around 12:45, and we hung out until just after 4:00. While they were here, Mike Z called, and invited me to his birthday party on Friday night. I asked him to come over on Tuesday night for an individualized birthday celebration .. more on that later.

Joe went out last night to EJ's, and (after a few hundred cocktails) asked Jarred out to lunch on Friday to see what he would say - and Jarred told them he had plans with me! That made me feel better.

So, tomorrow morning, finish off the stack of paper on my holder here, and then I'm almost all caught up. I have to write a lease and a management agreement (and I have to figure out where I put the paperwork for that) as the client is probably coming or calling tomorrow to pick it all up. I have asked for a few other checks this week - and people are being silent. I wonder if it's this Mercury retrograde thing I keep hearing about. Bleh. More pushing tomorrow, I guess.

Time to empty the animals. It's cold outside!

Well. Dogs are clipped, bathed, toenails clipped (one a little too much) and Barney is wearing a whole bottle of Gold Bond medicated lotion. He hasn't been scratching in nearly four hours, which is amazing.

Then, Joe (who came over to help me with the dogs) started nagging at me about Joel .. blah, blah, so I put up the Christmas tree, which led to dusting the piano, which led to dusting the living room, which led to dusting the curio case, and to Joe asking me if he made me nervous. Then, he asked me why I wasn't trying to work at MD Anderson, and he tried to find me a job over there.

Then, he left, I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom and folded laundry. Now, I'm just tired.

Tomorrow, I have four little documents to get filled out and mailed, the filing (which I didn't do today) and .. is that it? I think so. Nancy and Nicole are coming for lunch at 12:45.

I got a DVD in the mail today that I want to watch with Nicole tomorrow afternoon - with Kathy Bates and Rupert Everett.

Okay, I have to think of something to do here.

Wow - last night's class was better than I had expected, I guess. I got up this morning thinking about what all I had to get done, and made up a list for the week. Almost done with EVERYTHING on the list for today. Joe is coming at 5:00 to help me bathe and groom the dogs, and I'll clean the bathroom AFTER that. Just filing and put away to do, and then two forms to fill out and mail off.

Wow.

The weather is SO beautiful.

I'm feeling all righteous about getting all this stuff moved forward.

Called 10percent about shipping my order - good thing I did, otherwise, who would know?

And, I still don't know if I'm going to decorate for Christmas.

Not a word out of Joel today. I guess he's focusing on something else (*cough*meth*cough*) That's a good thing.

Okay, back to work? Or a nap .. there's the question.

Should I decorate for Christmas or not?

So far today has been nice and quiet. I have to get some laundry started here, and do some house cleaning. Have all the windows, which is nice - changing out the air in here. And do my homework for tonight's class.

But, the question remains - should I decorate for Christmas or not?

Got some advertising placements going - have to create how I want them to look today at lunch.

Have a lunch date with Jarred on Friday! Oh my!!

Okay, have to slip into the shower and get ready to meet Lance.

Crystal
Also known as: Crystal Meth, Methamphetamine, Tina
Pronunciation: meth-am-fet-ahmeen


"The first time a friend gave me some crystal I thought it would be just like coke. Two days later, when I still couldn't sleep, and had had so much sex that I couldn't walk straight, it was obvious that it's a whole different thing. I find that crystal makes most people feel invincible and gives them tons of energy. It also makes you really horny and heightens sexual sensations, so it's a great 'sex drug' if you don't mind being objectified or objectifying your sex partner(s). The term "Dick Fever" comes to mind. The down side is that, like most things, you don't get nothing for free. A big Saturday night with Miss Tina (crystal) is usually followed by what is affectionately known as "Suicide Tuesday." It's also the most addictive thing I've ever run across, and I've had a few friends really fuck up their lives because of it. So I treat it with respect -- actually, with fear."



Intro
Crystal methamphetamine has been around since the 1970s, but its use among gay men did not become widespread until the early 1990s. It has since made alarming headway. According to a recent report published by the National Institutes of Health, crystal methamphetamine is now the dominant gay drug problem in Honolulu, San Diego, San Francisco, Phoenix, Seattle, Tucson and Los Angeles.

Crystal in powder form is most commonly snorted in small doses (or bumps). Some say the drug heightens arousal and increases sexual stamina by delaying orgasm, but impotence is just as common a side-effect. Crystal produces what people describe as a giddy and euphoric wakefulness that can last several hours. Maintaining that high requires frequent re-dosing, more bumps, lines or tokes and makes crystal's potential for abuse -- even among new users -- very high.

What is it really?
Methamphetamines are closely related chemically to amphetamines, but their impact on your central nervous system is more acute. Methamphetamines bear a close resemblance to two powerful chemicals in your body, dopamine and norepinephrine. These drugs affect several areas of the brain, including the nucleus accumbens, which regulates mood; the prefrontal cortex, which plays a critical role in functional memory; and the striatum, an area of your brain involved in movement.

How is it used?
Methamphetamine can be swallowed in pill form, snorted as a powder, injected into your bloodstream, or smoked. Methamphetamine is neurotoxic. If you ingest it, the rush you experience comes from the forced release of serotonin and dopamine in your brain. Use of methamphetamine damages these cells by shriveling their nerve endings.

Some report that they feel "normal" even "superhuman" after losing a night or two of sleep because of the drug; people also report a feeling of being sharp or in control, feeling confident you can pass at work, for example, or fool family members. But this confidence is misplaced, certainly artificial and, of course, temporary. Wanting to prolong the high and delay the inevitable crash another hour, another evening or another day -- is emblematic of the drug's addictive character.

Depriving your body of sleep exacerbates the chemical impact of the drug on your brain. You become irritable, anxious, afraid, confused, aggressive and you may even experience bouts of delusional paranoia. In other words, you become a pleasure to be with.

Physiological Impact
Methamphetamine carries a high potential for abuse and dependence and the health consequences associated with prolonged use are serious. Regular use of methamphetamine has been shown to cause permanent damage to the brain by destroying nerve cells that produce dopamine. A similar destruction of dopamine producing cells is associated with the progressive and debilitating neurological condition known as Parkinson's disease.

More immediate methamphetamine dangers include a sharp spike in blood pressure, dangerously irregular heartbeats, chest pain, shortness of breath, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. The drug can increase body temperature to critical levels provoking cascading failures in vital systems. Brain hemorrhage is perhaps the biggest risk associated with use and abuse of the drug, which if not fatal, can cause permanent paralysis and speech loss.

Methamphetamine can cause brain damage that results in slower motor and cognitive functioning -- even in users who take the drug for less than a year, according to two studies by researchers at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory. The studies, published in the March 2001 issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry, found that meth use depletes the brain of dopamine transporters, which allow dopamine -- a brain chemical that affects feelings of satisfaction and pleasure -- to be absorbed back into the nerve cells that produce it. The depletion of these transporters may make meth users more susceptible to Parkinson's Disease, a brain disorder associated with dopamine deficiency and characterized by shaking and difficulty with walking, movement, and coordination.

You may think that recreational or occasional use can be handled and, perhaps in your case it can, but realize that no one who is physically addicted to or dependent on methamphetamine set out to get hooked.

Given the drug's powerful (some would say frenzied) impact on the sex drives of male users, Crystal meth is one of the most dangerous drugs in terms of protecting yourself and your partner from the transmission of STDs, including HIV.


by Christopher Barillas

A letter to Joel -

I don't have anywhere near enough time to write what I really want to say here.

You have been with me from November 10 to December 10, when I had the locks changed. During that time, you have actually been at my apartment for about sixteen days - you were gone from December 2 to December 5, and then again from December 7 through December 10. Before that, you were gone from the 18th of November to the 22nd of November. From November 10 to November 14, you were too sick to do very much. From December 5 to December 7, you were also too sick to do anything.

During those few days that you were here, I did everything I could to be kind to you, to help you, to nurse you and encourage you. I know that you appreciated my help, and you enjoyed my friendship - we have something terrific between us in the way of a relationship.

However, you, Joel, intentionally went out to create another situation where someone who cared for you would reject you. There is no other way to look at it. Your illnesses since I've known you have been created by meth use. You brought people I didn't know into my home when I wasn't here, fed them, had sex with them, whatever .. when I had expressed to you from the beginning that my hospitality was for you, and not for you and your "friends." You have never acknowledged this breach of trust, nor have you sought to end it. I asked you to never bring drugs into my home, and you have done them in my apartment when I wasn't here.

It's very clear that, right now, the only thing that matters in your life is getting meth and getting laid. I think it's probably been that way for some time. You lied to me about your meth addiction when we first met, and you've lied to me about it since you've been living with me. That's why I asked why you should bother with counseling if you weren't going to be truthful about what the REAL problem is - your total lack of self-esteem exacerbated by your meth addiction.

I would love to have you living with me, Joel. I truly enjoy your company. However, I cannot lie awake at night wondering if I've made a horrible mistake by giving you a key to my apartment. I cannot be afraid that, every time I leave my apartment, I'll come home to something missing. And, I refuse to be used as a hostel by someone for whom I am enabling a full-time drug habit.

I don't know if you can ever kick your problem, Joel. Right now, I don't think you have the balls to face up to it, nor the physical strength to deal with it. I've had family members who have bounced back from drug addictions and are living productive, successful lives. Are they happy? As much as anyone else can be, so, no, not completely. There are other family members who have died from their addictions, or who still run drama in everyone's life - dominating their environment with their addiction.

Meth is going to kill you, Joel. It's going to kill you in a matter of months. It's far more sure than the HIV, and since the only treatment for meth is to stop using it, stop engaging in the life style that promotes it, and focusing on positive health behavior, everything in your life is organized to kill yourself.

Have you any idea how different you look from your pictures taken just two years ago? Do you know that you look like an AIDS victim in the wasting stage? That your butt is completely gone? That your skin looks like you're suffering from systemic failure?

I have had dozens of friends die of AIDS in my lifetime. I've been there while their bodies shut down, and the doctors could do nothing. Your body is responding in that very way now.

You say that you don't have a problem with the meth, that you only use it "sometimes." Joel, you only use it when you're strong enough to walk. Then, you use it until you're so sick that you can't move and require the care of someone else. As soon as you're strong enough again, you start using it again until you get sick.

That is more than just an addiction.

You may think that no one will care when you die. You have convinced yourself that everyone in your life has rejected you because they are judgmental and shallow. That is a mistake on your part. The truth is that there are people in your life who love you so very much that your death is going to rip their hearts out. They love you so much that they can't bear to live a life in which you rip yourself apart and kill yourself slowly, all the while blaming them for what's happening. They have distanced themselves from you because they can't possibly hurt themselves that badly by watching this process work its way to the inevitable.

The people in your life who have pushed you away have done it to prevent your insanity from taking them along with you. They are grieving your loss right now, today.

I know I am.

I told you several weeks ago that, if you went back to meth, I would take it as a personal rejection - that you valued the meth more than you did my love and support and desire to help you. You sat there on the sofa and swore to me that you wouldn't do it. I knew then that you were lying, and that the situation would come to this. I just didn't know it would happen that quickly.

I will never forget you. You were in my life only two months, and I will never, ever forget how wonderful you are. If prayers are answers, somehow, you'll come back, free of this.

Ultimately, when it kills you, you will finally be free of it.

Read about crystal meth here

It has come to this. I had the locks changed; having Joel's phone shut off. I have a friend coming over to help bag up his crap and have it ready for him to pick up. Enough.

I am not going to live with the threat of coming home and finding my things gone, or having someone I don't know in my house, or whatever else is possible. Tonight, I'm going to go through my things that don't get out in the daylight much to see whether anything is missing.

Joel's best friend doesn't think that he would have stolen from me, and he doesn't think that Joel is capable of going crazy and throwing a snit or damaging my property or my person. However.

I tried. I really thought he was someone different. I was wrong.

Ugh at sinus stuff. I slept well last night, but woke up around 5 all groggy. Took some more NyQuil and slept until 9:00 this morning. Ergo, not much has been accomplished yet today.

Yesterday was an environmental day, I guess. I still haven't put up Christmas stuff, but that will come later in the week. I have to clean in here (the den) sometime soon - bleh.

Trying to find dog care for the holidays.

And motivation for today.

I've concluded that I have to ask Joel to leave right away. His behavior is something I can't live with. Better to have him out before things go really badly than after.

Had a lovely long talk with Nancy this morning.

Heard from Jarred yesterday - new phone number, saying that he wanted to get together for lunch or a drink very soon. No answer from him after my reply.

Okay, time to create some productivity here in life.

Sunny, gorgeous Tuesday morning. Started some laundry - today's projects include actual work, cleaning up the apartment, putting out the Christmas stuff, reorganizing my bedroom closet, baking bread, and probably cleaning up the dogs.

Joel is still sleeping - he was very sick yesterday. I'm trying to research online about what ails him, and I get very little information. I think I'll write to Dr. John today and ask him for advice.

Okay - the bread is rising, and I'm about to clean up the screen and bedroom window in my room. Lance is coming over in about a half hour, and I have to get ready for him.

More in a bit!

Rainy Monday. I have been plodding along all day, and now I'm sorting data on a spreadsheet for a report I have to deliver by Wednesday. I started doing a virus scan about 90 minutes ago, and it's still running.

I need to bake some more bread.

Sunday morning - I'm sitting in Larry's den - he's still asleep. It's nine o'clock, and it's very quiet and peaceful here.

Had the STRANGEST dream last night - I was sharing a little, ratty room with Joel - we had twin beds, and he was standing over by his bed. Big, huge snakes were falling out of a hole in the ceiling over his bed, and they were falling on him and on his bed. Maggots were involved, some of them were on him, and the snakes were eating the maggots.

I have NO idea, so don't ask.

Went out on the bar crawl again last night. When we got to the sleaziest bar in creation (the Male Box) this guy we had seen last night was there .. "Steve." He's supposed to be dancing at Larry's party in two weeks. Anyway, he was working us over like a cheap nickel for a while, then he didn't want to have anything to do with us. Bleh. Peelers. We then went out to Cafe Brazil on Central to have a late breakfast, and that was tasty, crowded, and .. bleh. Larry and Gary were eyeballing every cute man in the place - and I just don't care anymore. Is there something wrong with me for that?

Today, we're putting up the two Christmas trees, and then I guess I'll drive home and put up my own Christmas stuff. While at Garden Ridge yesterday, I bought some silk flower cleaner (yay!) and a display case for the one model car that I have which has no display case (yay!) - both together for under ten bucks. Do I keep the model cars out when I put out the Christmas stuff? I don't remember.

Donny and Al were out again last night, and I assiduously ignored them both. They'll, of course, be at the party. Larry is expecting me to tend bar .. why does this feel to me just like the foundations for what happened five years ago? I'm bringing up a guy that will be new meat, I'll be behind the bar, so he'll be out in the crowd socializing, he's not inclined to stick with me, since we don't have anything "going." Larry is even talking about having the same dancer at the party - the one who shoved me out of bed five years ago! Um.

Did some reading up on crystal meth yesterday - I don't know much more from the US Government's website than I did before I looked. Weird. I actually wrote to Travis last night and asked him what could be done organically to help someone with that issue. No answer yet, of course, if I ever get one. Maybe it would just be best to contact Dr. Dan and ask him.

I think Larry's up, so I'm going to log off and hang out with him.

Thursday morning - waiting for Lance to come in, and waiting for the hearings officer from the TWC to call for our 8:30 am hearing. This is a roller coaster, and the whole thing is seeming silly.

Lots of things to think about. Joel's off tweaking, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that. Ditchard hasn't answered me from yesterday, even though he read all of my mail. Class last night was something else - it was great. We talked about my isolationism, and Jesse suggested that I should be pissed as hell at God for the various things that are going on in my life lately.

Have to talk to my sister about Christmas, although she's apparently concluded that I'm bringing Joel with me. He got a job today, and I'm expecting all of my plans with him to bail any minute now.

Made oatmeal cookies for Russel, the assistant manager here today. He was very pleased. I am going to work on work tomorrow all day - until I have to leave at 3:30 to meet a client.

A bright, sunny, Saturday morning. Today, I have some church stuff to do, I have to work on the Fabulair project some more, lunch with my friend Chuck. Car's clean, the apartment needs dusting, and I have to get ready for my next TWC hearing later this week.

Had three very long conversations yesterday - one with Rev. D, and two with Susan. And a very long conversation with Joel. Hopefully the conversation with Joel MEANT something - and that he didn't go out last night and do exactly what he promised me he wouldn't.

Interesting note - Travis' listing on the website where I met him originally is gone.

No word from Chuck yet on lunch. Ah, he had forgotten.

It's SO gorgeous outside. And the people upstairs are SO loud.

Really cool stuff available to market the tax business - never knew about some of this stuff. One of the old tax software programs talked about a web based data collector that could be used with clients - and then as they fill out the data collector, you can import it straight into your tax software. Can't find it for 2005, though.

Joel's not yet checked in. I had a feeling ..

You're Rose!



"My mother always used to say, 'The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana.'" You're Rose, the dotty but sweet small-town dimwit who can be a real bitch when your teddy bear is stolen. Back in St. Olaf, you and hubby Charlie once did it till the cows came home -- of course, you were wearing a bell. Life lesson: "If you hold a bird gently, it'll stay. But if you squeeze the bird too tightly, his eyes'll bug out and Mr. Pet Shop Owner gets very angry and won't let you pet them anymore."




Which Golden Girl are you? Find out now!

Working on the replacement for my douglashord.com website - its content was completely lost in the Great Server Failure of Saturday morning. It's all done, and now I'm just waiting for the registrar change to take effect, and then it will be back up.

This weekend, I'm going to re-do my drdivo.com website and do the church's website, using the package that I had to buy to re-create douglashord.com. Should be cool!

Church board meeting tonight was AWESOME. We have planned out a schedule for all of 2005 already, and we're going to be spending the year comparing the Science of Mind to different religions, philosophies and to science. The Christmas calendar is planned, and that's going to be fun, and January is a review of the Science of Mind as a setup to our year long discussion of comparative philosophies.

Have a bunch of email to read and process tonight, and I have to try to make the next four days highly productive.

Oh, my but I'm tired. I finished everything that I had on my plate for the day. Tax returns, web work, re-did the computer set-up, helped Mitch with his lawsuit, screwed with the tax software for 2001 for four hours, baked bread, got the Fabulair business plan delivered, reviewed a bunch of documentation for the business broker ..

And what have I gained? Do I know?

It's time to get some sleep now. Hopefully, tomorrow will produce something tangible that will allow me to keep a roof over my head.

Angel 

I know why I love the show "Angel" so much.

Angel (a vampire with a soul, a complex issue, which may only be solved by watching the show, which is out of production) is a tortured character, who works for good, protecting innocent people and fighting evil. He is surrounded by wonderful people who cherish, adore and protect him, but he feels totally alone and unloveable.

I had a wonderful time hanging out with Rev D today, talked for three hours. Came home, talked to mcom for a while - he's just WIRED (I wonder why?) and then went to meet Mitch about his lawsuit. Dinner at the Palm, which was AWESOME (but the ticket was $145.00 without liquor!)

Time to get some sleep.

Saturday morning. The rain has let up, I'm fully awake (finally) and it's time to clean up and get ready for Guy to come over.

I'm having a lot of concern about the integrity of my Fabulair concept, as people CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. Ugh. No matter what I say or do. I'm going to start this morning with confidentiality agreements, and get everyone to sign those ASAP. I'm also doing up the agreement with the venture capital guys today, and Guy and I are re-working the financial projections and marketing budget. He's coming in about a half hour.

I have tax returns to do today (old ones) and I have to work on some other things. What is a weekend, anyway?

What to write? What to do next? I have some paperwork here to process for a client, and I guess I'll knock that out. Picking up Marc and Jurg to go to Space Center Houston at 11:00. New Vision coffee meeting tonight at 7:30. Fabulair all day tomorrow.

Okay, that errand is done. Now, I have a half hour to kill before leaving to pick up Marc and Jurg.

Amazingly, I have nearly every scrap of paper that was in my file box in the filing cabinet, behind tabs and labels. Only four or so more tabs to make up, and then the residue to put away. That feels pretty good, actually. Threw out a whole bunch more stuff.

Okay, and to frost the cake, I cleared out the "in" basket, and got all of THAT paperwork filed, ready to work on or tossed out.

Now, it's time to get ready to drive out to the Woodlands and have my meeting.

mcom's profile 

Mcom 

woke up this morning at 4:45 when I heard the door chime. Couldn't get back to sleep. Played with picture downloads for the phone, read the paper .. blah, blah.

I think I may have gotten myself into another situation like I had with G back when I was doing the show "And the World Goes 'Round." In fact, all signs are pointing that way. THAT was an ugly experience for me.

Four hours of sleep. I wonder if I can sneak in a little more.

Rainy Wednesday night. Just finished watching "Bend it Like Beckham," which Joel had rented from Netflix back in 1938, never returned, and pulled out of his bag the other night. I now have processed and returned ALL of those movies. Now, only a Chinese quasi-documentary on homosexuals in Mainland China to watch - it only has two stars, so it may not last very long.

Had a long, long meeting today in the Woodlands about a 3D optical imaging technology. Been in development for years, never been rolled out. Amazing. I listened for about two and a half hours, then gave the guy my opinion on how to structure the deal to raise investment funds, and then create .. well, I don't want to tip my hand. Anyway, the guy who brought me into the meeting was VERY impressed with me and my meeting skills. I have to quote a fee on Friday, and I have to cook up what I think it's worth before then.

Going back to the Woodlands tomorrow afternoon to work on the other project he wants me to pitch, and my own deal. I think that I can cut some pretty impressive deals working these two projects, and then springboard my way into Fabulair for 2005.

Joel has a new nickname - Mcom. Ask if you must know. He's outside talking to his best friend, with whom he hasn't spoken in months. The dogs are all tuckered out, the house is quite tidy - Ruby's in great shape, and I got the part I need to hook up my XM radio in my car for ten bucks on eBay today.

I didn't get home tonight until nearly 6:00, and I was worn out - an hour up, and hour back in the driving rain, three hours of meeting .. yeek.

I'm worn out from the stress. My brain is attacking me ongoingly, and I am about to scream. Yes, thank you [brain] for pointing out the things that are out of order in my life, and practically an emergency. Thanks [brain] for pointing out all the disaster contingencies.

Ugh.

I so need to see the chiropractor. No, not that one. My neck is a wreck.

Am I complaining enough? I guess so. I should peel out of this business attire and see about getting some sleep. Or something.

Wednesday. The day that the Dali Lama promises me my wish will come true.

I have a meeting at 2:00 with a venture capital guy to go over some business planning for some of his clients - this is fee-paid work, and I intend to come back with a check (or at least a promise of one.) I'm also pitching Fabulair to him (just verbally) today, with a promise of a full business plan by Monday, if he likes the concept.

Got the house tidied up this morning. Joel's not sleeping well again, so I think I'm going to have to put a bullet in his brain tonight to get him some more sleep. I'm greatly enjoying having him around - he's a good companion, and I'm getting more work done.

Fabulair is taking off - you can groan if you wish. We have enlarged the concept, and I've run the initial numbers - it should make a TON of money if we focus on limited service and limited human service delivery. I mean, an embarassing amount of money. No one in the world is trying to do what our business model seeks to do.

It's so dark outside. The sky was sunny and partly cloudy when I walked the mutts this morning, and now it's so dark I almost should turn on lights.

I have to get cleaned up in a short while for this meeting - he said it's a coat kind of a meeting. Yeep! Do I have a coat? Do I have something to wear with a coat? Do I have a clean shirt with which I can wear a tie? I don't know. This screws up my whole wardrobe selection for the day.