The energy of a puppy. All the destruction, too

New driveway rules at the Castle:

1. One must always observe the men with lighted batons
2. One must drive between the yellow rotating beacons.
3. Maximum speed in the driveway - 2 mph
4. No cell phone use while operating the car in the driveway without hands free headset
5. Repeat violators will have their vehicles fitted with bumper car surround bumpers.

thoughts don't trump feelings

The more I think about it, the more I think that my "health" issue yesterday was anxiety, not blood glucose.

I've been noticing that, even though I have my thoughts reigned in, my body is still reacting to stressful input from my environment just as if I were plagued with the negative thought and worry.

It seems that our bodies react automatically BEFORE conscious thought kicks in. In the movies "What the bleep do we know?" and "Down the Rabbit Hole," it infers that our biochemical response is based on interpretation perception and that our perceptions are largely non-visual and non-verbal; I've been seeing over the last few days that the extra-perceptual response happens before the conscious thought can kick in and be altered based on new perceptions and understanding.

Yesterday, my conscious thoughts were settled and balanced, and my body was running the full on anxiety response.

Tonight, in our class, we did the module on forgiveness. Of course, having to lead the module on forgiveness, I had to focus on my own issues of forgiveness, starting with the clangorous irritants that were so present in my life. What is it in myself that I'm not happy with? What is it that I don't like and haven't forgiven in myself that has it be so upsetting?

Very interesting stuff.

Happy Hump Day dynamics

So, last night my BG was 119. I looked at the meter and wondered "what the heck happened?" Considering that it was 340 when I came home, and I'd eaten dinner (again with the zero glycemic load) and had two glasses of wine, what's the deal?

This morning, it was 157. It went UP? It's whacked. Still that's a more confidence building number than is 280, like yesterday morning. My vision is better today too - I feel less like I'm in a haze.

John II is struggling with uncertainty. He's just feeling like the world's against him. I don't really know just how to help him.

later

Okay, so that was interesting. I went to a client's office to meet him and to pick up paperwork, and he didn't answer his phone. The receiptionist wouldn't let me by, and after calling, emailing again and sitting there for 20 minutes, I went back to my office.

By the time I got back to the office, I felt terrible. I couldn't think, I was dizzy, and I was having a hard time breathing. I thought about going home and emailed John (across the office) that I was going to leave. John popped into my cubicle, and he was quite concerned at how bad I looked. He insisted that I not drive and he called John II to come to the office from the gym to pick me up and take me home.

He showed up about 15 minutes later; out of breath. He'd run every light on Smith St. on the way. We left the office, stopped at Costco to pick up my prescription refills, and came home. He's going with me to my doctor's appointment today, at which I'm going to request that they put me on Byetta.

I think it's time to stop chasing the clients who can't manage their money and focus on something that the structure of my new job will promote.

We must restrict free speech online to stop terrorists from destroying an American city

From americablog

Go to Russia or Tehran if you hate freedom this much. I have had it with Republicans who hate America, who hate our freedoms, who hate what this country stands for, and who think that the only way to save our freedoms from the terrorists is for us to destroy those freedoms first. Honestly, how do these scaredy-cat, quaking-in-their-boots, America-haters even dare call themselves patriotic Americans? They are terrified of their own shadow, these Republicans.

Interestingly, and incredibly stupidly, Gingrich made this announcement at a freedom of speech dinner in New Hampshire. That's a bit like declaring that we all need to eat more veal at a PETA rally in San Francisco.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich yesterday said the country will be forced to reexamine freedom of speech to meet the threat of terrorism.

Gingrich, speaking at a Manchester awards banquet, said a "different set of rules" may be needed to reduce terrorists' ability to use the Internet and free speech to recruit and get out their message.

"We need to get ahead of the curve before we actually lose a city, which I think could happen in the next decade," said Gingrich, a Republican who helped engineer the GOP's takeover of Congress in 1994.

We already lost a city, Newt. It's called New Orleans. And it was your party, the Republicans, who lost it. You were more concerned about furthering some neo-con agenda abroad than actually protecting Americans at home.

I've concluded that people who sell Phaetons are out of their minds

My reply to a VW salesman in Seattle:

I've concluded that the market for a W12 Phaeton 4-seat is without logic
or reason. I've found an 06 CPO for $79,999. Yours at sticker.
Another at $89,000. An 04 with 700 (for real) miles on it for $69,000.
And 04 CPO with 7500 for $56,000. Two are advertised as Papillon Silver
Helichrome, but are really Silver Mirror. No one knows what it is that
they really have, and those that do charge
30% more.

And my auction/market research shows that all of these prices are an
invitation for me to pay from $16,000 to $45,000 for the first year of
driving.

My decision for today is to have a big martini and think about this
further later.

I AM NOT SHOUTING

Now, I'm a wannabe Agile-muda-scrum-meister, seventh veil, third sudoku, sixth psi. I know how things are. I have literally wrecked more than two different organisations and my theoretical knowledge is going to be used to wreck yours, if you'll let me. I have done all the research I need to do, reading 5 books, and watching seven movies, including Back to the Future, a story of refactoring reality. With the tricks I have learned, I know how to behave to be the most effective. Here are my tricks.

Distortion
Everything I hear will be processed by my brain in such a way as fits in with my world view. I will tell you back something I've heard about you and you only get to confirm or deny it. I will relay your thoughts up and relay management's thoughts down in such a way as to impose my beliefs on how everything should run. This method is called the sushi method as it leaves everything redolent of fish.

Anger
Generally people like to keep peace. If I show fits of anger when faced with even minor disagreement, it will discourage debate on larger issues.

Urgency
I will speak animatedly on matters which concern me and I will confer a sense of urgency about everything. Coupled with my apparent temper, this will make people want to do things to either appease or avoid me. Either way, they're playing things my way.

Confusion
As all stories are already distorted by me, there will be some confusion anyway. However, I will try to create more confusion with huge multi-partite explanations of anything I'm trying to stop you doing your way. These explanations will be too big to understand, will involve over-use of the whiteboard, with diagrams that you don't understand, and will, ultimately leave you more confused and unafraid to ask any more questions lest the explanation goes on longer. Alternatively, you'll think you understand but this illusion will fall away once you've left the room, or once you ask for a minor point of clarification which I'll explain in a way to make you feel you understood nothing. I will secretly change everything I've told you immediately after telling you, so that even if you understood it, you'll still not be doing what I now want.

(Un)reasonableness
I will act as though I'm a calm, rational and friendly person. I will believe that I am all of these. I will even understand your point of view. However, deep down, everything has to be done my way and I will not admit that, nor make it possible for anyone ever to do that. If possible, I will bring more people into the organisation who naturally do things in a way which sounds like my way. I will create an inner circle with them in, but we'll still not have a consensus on how it's done.

Interception
By creating a barrier between the worker and the management/strategy team, I will further a sense of mistrust between groups. I will also know of everything that is going on. This will prevent me ever getting bored as there is no pie which doesn't have my finger in it. I will extend the finger/pie metaphor further by going for a poke in the fridge in the morning. The purpose of interception is to impose myself on everything and avoid there being a critical mass of things I've not had a go at threatening to knock me off my self-created pedestal.

Possessiveness - to keep control, I must ensure that I have the opportunity to do anything and everything that comes up. If I'm stuck with colleagues in the management team I will try to spread myself very thinly across all events so that I can lay a claim to any idea that is good, or any area for which ideas are needed. If possible, I will have a piece of paper, email, or a whiteboard or flipchart drawing to back up any discussion that comes up. As a fallback I will claim to have started thinking about any new areas as soon as they're mentioned. In order to increase my possession of management issues, I will angle to get any colleagues tied up with less-managerial tasks, which I will pass off as temporary help to the team they're working with.

Acidity
Acting unpleasant or angry whenever provoked will ensure that people learn to leave me alone. Another good trick to increase my harm is to virtually hold my temper in front of the people who are a threat and then have private venting sessions against those people with my cronies and upper management. This level of acidity will enable me to grow, though it may reduce the viability of others.

I AM NOT SHOUTING
Where possible, I will deny any of these practices, even while doing them. I will not allow self-awareness or respect for others to hold me back. If faced with complaints that I cannot deny, I will act contrite, but only temporarily.

Daily diary of Sisyphus

So, not only is the uncertainty of the housing situation on my shoulders, I get to bear the anxiety of Bram, John and anyone else surrounding the situation. The input runs the gamut from the subtle "Do they evict people in December?" to full-blown emotional melt downs. In the middle of it, I maintain the peace that I possibly can.

Tonight, I have to re-visit my "to-do" list and see where I am. I think I've made some progress.

Baptists who aren't anti-gay? Are they anti-Baptists?

What if Christian leaders are wrong about homosexuality? I suppose, much as a newspaper maintains its credibility by setting the record straight, church leaders would need to do the same: Correction: Despite what you might have read, heard or been taught throughout your churchgoing life, homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth and is not to be condemned by God's followers. Based on a few recent headlines, we won't be seeing that admission anytime soon. Last week, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops took the position that homosexual attractions are "disordered" and that gays should live closeted lives of chastity. At the same time, North Carolina's Baptist State Convention was preparing to investigate churches that are too gay-friendly. Even the more liberal Presbyterian Church (USA) had been planning to put a minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two women before the charges were dismissed on a technicality. All this brings me back to the question: What if we're wrong? Religion's only real commodity, after all, is its moral authority. Lose that, and we lose our credibility. Lose credibility, and we might as well close up shop. It's happened to Christianity before, most famously when we dug in our heels over Galileo's challenge to the biblical view that the Earth, rather than the sun, was at the center of our solar system. You know the story. Galileo was persecuted for what turned out to be incontrovertibly true. For many, especially in the scientific community, Christianity never recovered. This time, Christianity is in danger of squandering its moral authority by continuing its pattern of discrimination against gays and lesbians in the face of mounting scientific evidence that sexual orientation has little or nothing to do with choice. To the contrary, whether sexual orientation arises as a result of the mother's hormones or the child's brain structure or DNA, it is almost certainly an accident of birth. The point is this: Without choice, there can be no moral culpability. Answer in Scriptures So, why are so many church leaders (not to mention Orthodox Jewish and Muslim leaders) persisting in their view that homosexuality is wrong despite a growing stream of scientific evidence that is likely to become a torrent in the coming years? The answer is found in Leviticus 18. "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination." As a former "the Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it" kind of guy, I am sympathetic with any Christian who accepts the Bible at face value. But here's the catch. Leviticus is filled with laws imposing the death penalty for everything from eating catfish to sassing your parents. If you accept one as the absolute, unequivocal word of God, you must accept them all. For many of gay America's loudest critics, the results are unthinkable. First, no more football. At least not without gloves. Handling a pig skin is an abomination. Second, no more Saturday games even if you can get a new ball. Violating the Sabbath is a capital offense according to Leviticus. For the over-40 crowd, approaching the altar of God with a defect in your sight is taboo, but you'll have plenty of company because those menstruating or with disabilities are also barred. The truth is that mainstream religion has moved beyond animal sacrifice, slavery and the host of primitive rituals described in Leviticus centuries ago. Selectively hanging onto these ancient proscriptions for gays and lesbians exclusively is unfair according to anybody's standard of ethics. We lawyers call it "selective enforcement," and in civil affairs it's illegal. A better reading of Scripture starts with the book of Genesis and the grand pronouncement about the world God created and all those who dwelled in it. "And, the Lord saw that it was good." If God created us and if everything he created is good, how can a gay person be guilty of being anything more than what God created him or her to be? Turning to the New Testament, the writings of the Apostle Paul at first lend credence to the notion that homosexuality is a sin, until you consider that Paul most likely is referring to the Roman practice of pederasty, a form of pedophilia common in the ancient world. Successful older men often took boys into their homes as concubines, lovers or sexual slaves. Today, such sexual exploitation of minors is no longer tolerated. The point is that the sort of long-term, committed, same-sex relationships that are being debated today are not addressed in the New Testament. It distorts the biblical witness to apply verses written in one historical context (i.e. sexual exploitation of children) to contemporary situations between two monogamous partners of the same sex. Sexual promiscuity is condemned by the Bible whether it's between gays or straights. Sexual fidelity is not. What would Jesus do? For those who have lingering doubts, dust off your Bibles and take a few hours to reacquaint yourself with the teachings of Jesus. You won't find a single reference to homosexuality. There are teachings on money, lust, revenge, divorce, fasting and a thousand other subjects, but there is nothing on homosexuality. Strange, don't you think, if being gay were such a moral threat? On the other hand, Jesus spent a lot of time talking about how we should treat others. First, he made clear it is not our role to judge. It is God's. ("Judge not lest you be judged." Matthew 7:1) And, second, he commanded us to love other people as we love ourselves. So, I ask you. Would you want to be discriminated against? Would you want to lose your job, housing or benefits because of something over which you had no control? Better yet, would you like it if society told you that you couldn't visit your lifelong partner in the hospital or file a claim on his behalf if he were murdered? The suffering that gay and lesbian people have endured at the hands of religion is incalculable, but they can look expectantly to the future for vindication. Scientific facts, after all, are a stubborn thing. Even our religious beliefs must finally yield to them as the church in its battle with Galileo ultimately realized. But for religion, the future might be ominous. Watching the growing conflict between medical science and religion over homosexuality is like watching a train wreck from a distance. You can see it coming for miles and sense the inevitable conclusion, but you're powerless to stop it. The more church leaders dig in their heels, the worse it's likely to be. Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a Baptist minister and author of an upcoming book, 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).

Sunday evening

So, I actually did it - I got the laundry room closet completely cleaned out and organized. I put ALL of the nails, screws, fasteners, clips and nonsense into the little drawer unit that I bought - put all of the tools away, threw away nearly a trash can of empty bags, containers and boxes. Now, the breakfast room is empty again. And, I have to get some work done that needs to be mailed out tomorrow morning.

I've been avoiding Twitch's calls today.

Had a dream last night about tromping through a frosty field next to a car dealer, to look at a Phaeton. It was quite vivid - I could feel the hard, uneven ground under my feet, the briskness of the air, I could see the sun coming up, the first rays of dawn coming through the trees. The car looked funky. It was what I wanted, though. Interesting stuff.

My BG has been sky high for days, and this weekend, it's been outrageous.

I came home from church today, measured around 300, then took a nap. It's been around 210 since. Bleh. I'm really working to avoid food that will kick it up, but what I really need is more exercise, less stress, less weight and different meds.

Have to pick Bram up at IAH in the morning. Then, I guess I'm working from home.

Bram's on his way to St. Louis, and John's been gone since two hanging out with friends. He's not answering his messages, so he's likely got his pants on the floor somewhere.

I'm fixing to go to bed, I think. I'm not really tired now, but the kitchen is cleaned and I don't want to start on work related projects at this point in the evening.

Just wrote a note to SAM, who's been hiding out again.

Been just worn out listening to people call and carry on about their "stuff." Not that I mind, but .. I need some SPACE. Today, when the phone was ringing, I was feeling like heaving it into the pool. I'm feeling very angry lately, I guess. I wonder what that's about. Maybe I'll work on that tomorrow.

Not that I haven't been doing good, helping people out listening to them. I have. But, aside from John's looking over my shoulder at my food consumption, I hardly feel like I'm involved in all of this - just putting out..

Blah, blah.

I'm starting to get used to the Imperial.

After church today, I was thinking. Thinking, thinking. I was talking about the difference between how one WANTS to feel and how we perceive something will make us feel. I was thinking about the Phaeton thing, and thinking about how much MORE secure I'd feel if Ruby were all trimmed up and running well, and I could drive it for another three years for FREE.

Better. Much better.

It's almost tax season, and you know? I'm just not into it.

I have a bunch of accounting/book keeping to get caught up on this week.

(sigh) I'm tired.

Okay, enough whining. I can assert that the new gas dryer is a miracle. It dries the clothes in no time flat, without overheating them. This should be saving me about $70 in electricity by itself a month.

Sunday - pre-church linkarama

This article on Daily Kos points out that the democrats were savaged by union voters in previous elections after supporting NAFTA and other programs that seem clearly anti-labor in the US.

This next one discusses the ridiculous nature of tort reform arguments. A short and good read.

This one is a discussion of how honest the administration is in its pursuit of known or suspected terrorists. Feel safe, everyone! They only care about spin, not interdiction.

And here is a partial answer to my friend Jimmy's question of yesterday - what's up with the US Dollar? Not much, it's all DOWN. Requires basic understanding of economic theory, and some ability to process and connect the dots. A new paper bank to step in just in case JPMorgan Chase and/or the Bank of New York cannot settle transactions? Okay, why doesn't that strike one as a warning that a giant economic meteor is headed toward our country?

That last just gave me a headache. I have to run to church now.