Almost an hour before I have to jet to UTMB and teach cold from materials I haven't looked at in maybe three years.  Lovely.  Last night was INSANE.  I talked to Lance on the phone for more than an hour, found out that Rick is blaming ME for everything that's going wrong at the firm; they were my decisions, my recommendations, my inaction.. blah, blah, blah.

In talking to Lance, I realized last night that I've spent the last nearly seven years working for people for whom I had great responsibility, but no real authority.  John Frels, Judy, Valentine and now this.  Everyone expected me to produce everything, manage everything, handle everything, but they held the decision making power to themselves.

I was thinking last night (as I lay awake rolling things over in my mind) whether this was the big black hairy beast that my sister was hosing down in my dream the other night.  Certainly, Lance's presence in my life has made this pattern less tolerable.

Anyway, yesterday, I asked Scott Hardie if I could process loans for him (which I can do from home) and then, E suggested that I could handle his contract to process HUD records for public housing authorities.  It pays $1.85 a record, there are 50,000 records to input.  Or something like that.  Details at 11:00.

Not a peep out of R&R yesterday after the end of our unproductive conversation.  I had a mind to overnight my keys and my access card to them for Monday morning delivery.  I'm having lunch with Lance tomorrow to discuss our next moves.  Rick was glued to his side after the telephone convo, and was trying to paint me and Lance as the bad characters in this drama.  Lance (from his conversation with me) didn't give an inch, and kept tossing the scenarios back into Rick's lap.  However, Lance is pretty subtle, and I doubt that Rick would have taken in that he was having things put back on him, given his ability to blame others and never look at his own input.

So, I have a pattern, not yet fully identified (but I have until tomorrow morning to synthesize it and be able to do something with it) with lots of clues buzzing around.

Yesterday afternoon, Valentine was telling me that he couldn't believe that they would take advantage of me that way, at least HE treated me fairly.  I nearly spit out teeth.  In the conversation, he finally admitted that he had gone more than a year with me being on a fungible, undocumented pay promise, and that maybe I hadn't been treated properly.  I have written him an email, but haven't sent it yet.

I need to create a plan for myself, I guess.  I am so good at creating plans, and yet haven't done that for myself.

More later.

well, I just quit my "job" with Intelli-Source.

It's all about serenity, I guess.  I need to gestate on this some more.

Ah, the secret of success.  Get up early!  I woke up before 6:00 this morning, and instead of going back to sleep, I just got up.  It's 6:41 now, and I've walked the dogs, made the bed, vacuumed the bedroom, cleaned the patio windows, made coffee, read the paper, checked for new bank transactions, read my email, etc., etc.  Normally, I'd be still in bed contemplating whether I should be getting up just yet.

Another interesting dream last night.  I had a new house - which was really an old house, but newly mine.  A techie weirdo with 70's tastes and technology had inhabited it.  Like, in the master bedroom, every wall was COVERED with old telephones screwed to the wall.  A talking chicken, those old touch-tone phones in wood boxes, other figures, all cheek to jaw, covering all the walls, mixed in with electrical switches, distribution boxes, as far as the eye could see.  At first, I was overwhelmed by all the work to make the place MINE, at the end of the dream, I was checking through everything and deciding I could just pull all the stuff off the walls and sell it on eBay.  Anyway...

At the end of the dream, someone was knocking on the front door (I was living with a bunch of other people, well, housing them, actually, because it was clearly MY house) and someone was telling me that Lance had stirred up some big ugly scorpion thing, thinking it was a frog.  So, I went out into the front yard, and there was this HUGE black .. THING .. it looked like a movie version of an irradiated super-tarantula or something, with these big pinchers at its mouth - it was hairy, and it was chasing my sister, who was holding it off by spraying it in the face with a garden hose.

Anyhow, during the middle of all this, I was dreaming that I was wearing my fairy costume, and buzzing around the inside of some department store - flying, actually - it was hallowe'en, and I was dressed for that.  Or, was it Christmas?  One or the other.  There was this guy that I REALLY liked a lot, and he seemed to like me as well.  I kept trying to get close to him, and he was kind of receptive, and so my emotions went down THAT road - and then, he was buddying up with this OTHER guy, who was (in my judgment) cuter than I was, and I was feeling quite the lesser for it.  When I woke up, I was thinking "ah hah!"  THIS is the basis for my sentence (if you haven't done the ENTIRE Landmark/Forum programs, you'll have to ask me what this is) as it applies to men and dating.  So, now I have something to chew on there.

Oh, and in the middle of all THAT, there was this GORGEOUS (heterosexual and married) guy who was living in ths sort of refugee camp setup in the basement (little cubicles made up with plywood and curtains) who started an affair with me that was VERY rewarding.  Of course, he wasn't exactly available emotionally.  Fully.  Married, you know?  And I'm thinking "ah hah Ver. 2.01"  of the sentence and men.  I think I need to call Susan.  Or go spend a weekend with her.

Like this weekend.  THAT will work.

Okay, time to finish up this oatmeal, and get into the shower.  My opportunity to beat Rick into the office is fading.

20:40 and I JUST finished working.  I cleaned up the guest room, put files away, worked on loan files, made phone calls, sent off faxes, did emails.  I also scrubbed the bathtub (which I assert is FAR better than having sex with some idiot man who just wants his ticket punched) and the kitchen, pruned the house plants, had a meeting with new clients (who want me to run a TAB for God's sake.)  I hooked up the new trackball, put up Joe's computer (my old one,) put away books, files, dug through stuff that I needed to find, worked, worked, worked all damned day.

Vacuumed up the floor, changed vac bags, forgot to eat three times, have a ton of work lined out for tomorrow, still haven't reviewed the materials I'm teaching on Saturday morning, haven't STARTED to write my sermon from Sunday, although I've got some ideas.

BLISTERING headache.  I still have a full day's worth of work that needs doing, aside from Intelli-Source.

Had a dream about my sister this afternoon (during the should have eaten lunch nap) that made it clear I have some deep, foul, unresolved anger with her.  Time to let that stuff go.

The bed (filing table) in the guest room is STILL covered over, although it's much better than it was.  At least it's nice, ORGANIZED piles now.  Two tax returns, an FHA lender application, two credit files (well, three, but I'm thinking of sending one back.  Okay, well, FIVE) and the stuff I have to study for class on Saturday.  And the stuff I have to read for class on Monday.

Have I mentioned that I'd just love to take tomorrow off too?

The car needs waxed, Jackie needs to be clipped, shaved and bathed, I could really use getting these tax returns done, and studying for my class on Saturday.  Sounds like a full day already.

I wonder if my blood sugar will support me taking off tomorrow too?

Ah, Thursday.  Last Thursday, I took off to get caught up on work, and had to drive to Seabrook (which took all morning) then found that I couldn't really work on the tax returns, because I didn't have the print codes.  Blah, blah.  So, I called in "sick" today, and I'm going to get ALL caught up.  And cleaned up.  I am not going to try to get the car waxed, though, there is only SO much a guy can do.

It's SO nice and quiet here today.  I've realized yesterday that I'm packing my schedule in too tightly, and I have to give myself downtime away from everything just to keep re-charged.  So, I've started adding that into my schedule.

Travis called me yesterday!  He's such a cool guy - I hope I get to learn more about him.

Okay, time to finish the breakfast thing and get to working.

Wednesday morning.  The Brazilian is again beating me up about getting him a visa.  Every day, over and over.  The only thing he wants to talk about.  "Can you get me a sponsorship letter?"  "Are you going to get me a job there?"  He never asks me how I'm doing, except superficially.

What was I thinking?  That a man would actually be interested in me for me?  Get out the sharpie - time to cross out another one.

I feel awful today.  My blood sugar was only 56 this morning, two hours after I ate.  Below 60 is considered an emergency for someone who's young and NOT diabetic.  Lance got me some peanut butter crackers, which were okay, but now I'm feeling all hypo again.  I ran out of styrettes this morning, so I have to go home and pick some up to check again.  I think I'll stay home after I get there.

Stood up by four different men in three days.  I should just give up.

I want to be Fabulairing.

 

Tuesday morning - it's all about recruiting today.  I got here this morning at 8, which is a new record for me.
 
Forgot to set a reminder about my blood sugar, so I took it a half hour late.  It was 99, but it's hard to know what that meant about what it was 30 minutes earlier.
 
Working with the PC Recruiter program; it's very powerful, but you have to know the "magic" commands to make it work properly.
 
Can't connect to my PC at home for the second day.  Weird.  When I got home last night, it was online, and the software to connect to it was running.
 
Mickey canceled for tonight - I was expecting to hear that.  He got real quiet yesterday, so I figured it was coming.
 
Well, that just means I can do housework, study for my class on Saturday and work on other things.
 
Men SUCK.
 
I want to Fabulair.

Whither this blog taketh us this morning?
 
I was a busy bee this morning, taking out the trash, bringing in eight gallons of water from the car, setting up a big task list for today, planning the week out, etc.  Should have been up at 6:30 and I didn't get up until 7, so I was 15 minutes late for week.
 
Blood sugar today is 97, a very good number.
 
There is an extra $54 deposit in my bank account today; how strange.  
  
Had a phone call from the gate box at my apartment complex while I was seeing "Pirates of Penzance" with Nicole Saturday night.  A married guy I know, lives in Dallas, was in town, didn't tell me, came over for "servicing."  Wouldn't tell me last week he was coming, didn't leave a message.  What a creep.  I deleted him off my Yahoo list this morning.
 
I have the Mormon thoroughly frustrated.  He doesn't even want to talk anymore.  He's not working on his LSAT at all, but that's not my problem.
 
I'm supposed to be seeing Mickey tomorrow night to work on his credit, but he's not online today, which is a precursor for "I can't make it."  Again.
 
And I just bought new ceramic brake pads for Ruby on eBay pretty cheap.  :)
 
Okay, back to cranking on our business plan.  I'd rather be Fabulair-ing.