This from "Best of Craigslist"

It's awesome!

Dear Conceited Penis..
Date: 2007-11-13, 4:03PM PST


To my amazement, not only have you learned to take pictures of yourself, but you have figured out how to upload them on the computer AND post said pictures in the personal section of Craigslist! Now, having never met a miraculous penis such as yourself, who can do things without knowledge or consent of anyone, I thought I'd tell you how this works.

1. Believe it or not, you have an owner. Your owner and I are in a committed relationship where:
a. he is allowed to play with you,
b. I'm allowed to play with you, OR
c. WE together are allowed to play with you.
If for some reason you find someone else's mouth, fingers, vagina, or asshole in, on, or around you..SCREAM. Play dead, blow your emergency whistle, do something and then at the earliest convenience, tell me.

2. A conceited penis is the first place STD's run to. I'm not sure you've used the computer for anything other than begging for an STD but maybe the next time you sign on you should Wikipedia that shit. I, not having a miraculous vagina who thinks for itself, need to speak up and tell you, thats not something we, as in my vagina and myself, want.

3. With your outstanding knowledge of the human world, you should probably do right by your owner and fess up to clear his name. I will not be playing with you or him until someone comes clean and explains to me what exactly happened. I saw the response in his e-mail, did the research, put 2 and 2 together and found out that one of you posted the ad for Adult Fun with a man, woman, or both. He denies that he had anything to do with it but YOU are in the picture along with MY comforter. One of you is lying. If one of you would just be honest then I wouldn't have to put his belongings, or yours, out in the front yard. For the time being, I'm giving both of you the BOTD. Time is wasting...


4. If you decide that you can use your extraordinary abilities for something other than wreaking havoc on my life and would like to confess by either responding to this or maybe writing me a letter of confession then I would gladly give your owner a 2nd chance. He stands his ground on his innocence and as much as I'd like to believe him, I'd need to know who did it and why first. You could put the letter on my pillow and you wouldn't even have to sign your name, I'd just know.

5. I understand you penises go through an "active" phase, but you are suppose to eventually grow out of that. Considering the number of people you've been with and the amount of times you've done it, most would assume you'd be tired. You're not the 20 year old you used to be, your balls agree, just ask your knees.

Now that we have the basics covered, I'll give you a fair amount of time to do what's right. Until then, I will not amuse you in any way, I will not please you either. I will sit here and wait..probably wondering how you got a picture from that angle all by yourself. And you'll know when your time is up.

Sincerely,
JV

I'm not so sure...

That people know what various things mean.

I am pretty sure that most people who ask questions don't really want the answers; they want validation. They have some cockamamie scheme cooked up in their heads based on their assumptions (mostly in their favor) of how things SHOULD be, and then commence to executing said cockamamie plan without input.

Then, they think "Hey! I should ask someone REALLY smart about this." So, they dial (my) digits, and ask their .. um .. question. And, it's not really a question, it's more of a hypothetical, partially developed, with their own conclusion stuck on the ass end of it like a bright red caboose.

Hell, even the railroads did away with cabeese about thirty years ago.

But, there it lingers - tagging along like a big pimple.

Where I keep making the mistake is in .. um .. trying to reach out and gently smack these people into some sort of connection with reality and tell them just how things really are.

"Uh, no, your illegal alien boyfriend has no choices or options to stay in the country. If he gets pulled over for a burnt tail light, make sure he hasn't packed anything too big to fit on the big ICE bus."

"'If your employer pays it to you and it's not a specific expense reimbursement, yes, it goes on your W-2.' 'But, let's say it's Tuesday, and the sky is purple, and they've only been paying me that for ten months, not all year, and I have to work from home sometimes, and the Republicans win the White House again - THEN is it taxable?'"

Just as a few recent examples.

I need to practice shutting my big trap, and waiting until they stop telling me how it is, and then invite them to make an appointment.

Will I remember this (tomorrow, when this will again inevitably present itself?) I don't know.

I had a dream about being a Forum leader last night. It was pretty delicious.

So, another thing I'm not so sure of. I'm not so sure that "bisexual" anymore means that a man has sex with both men and women. I think that it has changed in meaning, just as "gay" has, and "compassionate conservative" and "tax break."

I think that "bisexual" now means "I want the world to think I'm 'normal' (i.e., heterosexual) but I really want to be a man's sex slave. In a dress."

Life was less complicated in the 1970's.

I feel like I've discovered Detroit. I grew up in Michigan, and Detroit was a place we went to go to a really big mall, or to catch an airplane. It never was a place with a history. I've been reading a lot about it lately, and it's .. um .. wow. Almost like the lost city of Atlantis.

N8 gave me a Christmas present and a card today. He's a nice man.

I haven't felt much like doing a damned thing lately. Well, this week. I have, however, structured getting the office furniture moved around, and, for my next trick, the office is going to be CLEANED. How about them apples?