Friday at 1500

Boy you can tell things are winding down. It was very, very busy this morning, but this afternoon has gotten very slow.

Looks to be a very quiet Friday night. No plans, except to have my head rotated after work. Have to put in some hours tomorrow doing legal work for Michael, as I haven't really had the time or attention to do any of that recently.

I think tonight I'll finish watching "Maltese Falcon" and "The Eyes of Tammy Faye." And do laundry, since it's overflowing the hamper.

I am officially no longer chasing, interviewing, looking for or communicating with "Y" chromosomes. It's a worthless pursuit, fraught with peril. It's expensive, not only in coin of the realm, but in emotional coin as well. I've wasted years of my life chasing boys, men, bois, married guys, straight guys .. it's a WASTE.

So - just like Jeffrey - I'm going sober.

Happy Holi-daze

The last Wednesday before Christmas - the last business Wednesday of the year, in fact.

I have a closing set for tomorrow, and the lender has been like a ghost ship. A client who has to close in a week who won't provide me with any documents. Another client who swears that she has given me the financial records I requested, and that I just lost them.

My friend Mikey just was whining that he's not featured heavily enough in my blog. So, everyone - please wave "hi" to Mikey - my friend who's online persona is "Cajuntxn." Mikey is one of my computer geek friends, who recently came over and rescued my home computer from a certain death. He is always after me to pimp him out with any young men that I can find, and loves to watch movies with me. He's a nifty guy, and has a heart as big as a Louisiana swamp, which constitutes most of the southern half of that state.

Owen was sick with the flu today, which required me to focus on work related tasks. Eric from Vancouver (E - is his official moniker) thinks that I'm "avoiding" something by finding Owen so appealing. I think everyone just needs to have a drink and sit down for a while.

My realtor "friend" today told me that he didn't think I actually worked. That is the general perception of realtors - that no one else in the transaction actually works. The people at title companies are working nights and weekends, the appraisers are overwhelmed, the insurance agents can't keep up, I wake up every night around 4:30 - worrying about deadlines and whether everything is handled - I just canceled my trip to be with family for Christmas -

But no, we none of us have anything to do with a file showing up at the closing table ready to close.

Just four more minutes, and I'm leaving - it's dark already.

Tonight, it looks like I get to have an evening of peace and quiet. Last night, spending a little time with Brian was very nice - he's such a wonderful man, and just getting really settled into a new world for himself. He adpated so quickly; I guess everyone does when faced with extreme change.

5:30 is upon me, so - until later!

A quick note -

Today was a HOOT. My sweet friend Owen from Poznan had me in stitches half the day; I'll have to write more about that when I have a little time.

Also talked to my friend in Frankfurt - the one who wants me to visit with him in January - he was saying that I didn't write about him quite enough, thank you very much. So, let me tell you more about Timmy. He's very sweet, he's a purser for a European airline, which means I get to chase him around looking for dirt about the airline biz, he's handsome, funny, flirtatious and he looks great naked, which is more than most guys in their late 30s can say.

He and his partner are traveling to the US in May, I think it is, and I've persuaded them (I think) to spend a number of days here at the Casita de Divo so that I can show them the local hospertality. This involves trips to the Galleria, to NASA, to Galveston (where visitors are uniformly horrified by the mud brown water and the general state of disrepair) and lots and lots of TexMex food.

I proposed to Owen today. He said yes, but I think he was mostly kidding.

Okay, I'm re-reading "Headwind" by John J. Nance, and I'm at a good part, so I'm going to publish, and go to bed earlier than last night.

Until the morrow ..

More thoughts on unrealistic expectations

Heard from PJ today again .. he was whining about the phone card that I had set up for him so he could call (not that he ever called ME with it, but he burned through thirty dollars worth) He wanted me to set it up for him again.

Uh, no. He offered to send me money to do it. I think I was acerbic.

Anyway, I was fiddling around, and realized that I had talked about Owen from Poznan several times, but didn't give you a look at him. He's really something.

face-pic.com profile for owen_21

It's another day in paradise

Spent the whole day doing Christmas cards and chasing loan elements. Finally got one in the hopper; closing Thursday. However, everything else that was promised to me for today has NOT showed up.

But - the Christmas cards are all done, and the business Christmas letters are out the door.

I had to find a translator for one big deal this afternoon late - fortunately, my temp John knew someone and he was right on top of it. Hopefully, this will break the communications logjam.

Talked ongoingly today with that sweet boi in Poznan, Poland. He's just great! He's freezing his butt off, but he's fun to talk to. We were joking ongoingly about the number of men in different parts of the world who send .. well, old fat white gay guys like me .. a picture or two over the internet and suddenly are asking for money and visa sponsorships. I had shared a few of my war stories on this issue with him .. and he wasn't believing it .. quite .. and right in the middle of our ongoing conversation - I get an IM from this lad in Morocco with whom I've spoken THREE times in four months.

Just so that Owen (that's the boy in Poznan) can belive this, here's a quick transcript:

elazri: i have a problem
drdivo: what is it
elazri: my sister it is very sick, and it need for bought the medicamo
drdivo: hm
elazri: yes
drdivo: So you're telling me you need money
elazri: yes, but why this question ?
drdivo: That's waht you were telling me
drdivo: what is she sick with
elazri: she is sick in here estomac and need a operation
drdivo: ah
drdivo: how old is she, your sister?
elazri: 38 years
elazri: I want to ask for a little money of you, but perhaps you do not want because you do not know me well...... ....
drdivo: on second
elazri: ok
drdivo: I had to write a letter for a customer
elazri: ok
elazri: allo
elazri: do you wa
elazri: do you want to hilp my sister?
drdivo: Well - I really have only talked to you three times -
drdivo: it's not something I can do just yet
elazri: ok not problem
elazri: i am sorry
drdivo: it's okay -

<<>>>

I think he just couldn't believe it. Owen, that is.

So far, I've been asked for a visa, housing and moving expenses for a boy from Zimbabwe who's here on a student visa, for a visa and money for a computer from a guy in Pakistan, moving money and housing from a guy in Albany, New York, a visa from a guy in Malaysia .. and this is all just since about Thanksgiving.

Owen says that his sister needs cosmetics - so, could I please send HIM money.

He's a hoot.

My desk still looks like someone blew it up.

Tonight, Stevan wants to come over and groom Barney.

I don't know if I'm up for that just now. I should, though. It's going to involve a trip to the store for Fabreeze, as Jackie's been peeing again.

Yesterday, talked to a guy I know who is one of those fags that can do color and texture. I can do furniture arranging, but not color. I've been thinking of painting, and wanted to have an idea of what I can do. He's suggesting medium red with white or taupe trim, and light taupe wood floor. My friend Eric thinks that it would be too dark, but suggests something "wild" for the kitchen. Wild - colorwise.

I guess that's about all the news that's fit to print for the moment. It's 6:00 - I need to get out of here!

White elephants

Sometimes, I dearly envy my friend James. He swears that his memory doesn't allow him to remember things. I, however, have the curse of perfect recall, even if I was drunk off my ass.

Tonight, I went to the Classic Chassis Car Club White Elephant Christmas party. I so do NOT feel a part of that group. I was one of the founding members, and left around the time of the Great Summer Camp escapade.

I brought a 3 CD thing I bought on a KLM flight three years ago (big mistake - that thing was elevator music) to give to the White Elephant thing. There were about 60 guys there - I was in the younger 20% of the crowd. Since this included the four boy toys present, that's quite a statement.

That was quite a thing to see - men in their late 40s to early 60s squiring around thin, young, men under 22. It just looked so - wrong? Disconnected? Weird?

What do they talk about?

The party broke up around 9, and I left. Came back here, and talked to some friends on the computer.

I was supposed to be in Dallas for a big Christmas party there - I haven't been to Dallas all year (part of the air travel lament - see an earlier comment) and they were very happy I was coming up.

Last week, my friend Larry revealed that Al Aparicio and his boyfriend AND Pablo the male dancer would all be at the party. That was just too much to contemplate.

January, 2000 - I had been sort of seeing Al from time to time - he lived in Austin at the time - and we talked regularly. He was totally in the closet; engaged to a woman, etc., etc. I invited him to a party in Dallas at Larry's house - suggested the weekend could be a good thing for him - he could spend some time in the gay world without fear of being discovered, or whatever.

So, he came up. Met me there on Friday night. No, we weren't in a relationship, we didn't have any agreements, but we were there on a weekend DATE.

Bottom line - the dick dancer at the party - Pablo (from Ecuador) got WAY drunk. Started hitting on Al. Al said "no." We all went to bed about 2:30. Al and I had sex.

Ungratifying, one-sided sex, but nonetheless.

At about 4:00 a.m., Pablo came into the bedroom where Al and I were sleeping. Crawls in bed on top of Al. They start making out.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? In the same room - or worse - in the same BED with two people who are having sex? It's just the most pathetic thing you can feel.

Al tried to encourage me to join in, but Pablo shoved me off the bed.

That would be on the floor, folks.

Al said nothing. Did nothing. Just .. kept on doing his thing.

So, I grabbed my bathrobe and went into the living room.

A few minutes later (note - not right away) Al came out into the living room. He wanted to know what was wrong.

Amazing. Do I haul out the chalkboard and draw a picture? No, I just told him to go back and finish what he was doing. He said he was there in Dallas to be with me, and that he couldn't just leave me out in the living room upset and go back to having sex with Pablo.

Oh, no? You were doing a great job of it before.. what changed?

He told me that I should know he had so few opportunities to explore his sexuality, and that I was being selfish in not allowing him this chance with Pablo.

So, what was I supposed to do? Sit there in bed and knit while they did it?

Pablo shuffles out about this time, and whines that "he's sorry."

Does anyone else experience this kind of insanity?

Finally, Al said that he was there to be with me, and asked me to come back to bed. We went back to the bedroom, he pushed Pablo's clothes out into the hall, and closed and locked the door.

Not that I slept.

I heard Larry getting up around 7:30 or so, and I joined him in the kitchen for coffee. He asked if he had heard some drama in the night, so I told him what had occured. He was, of course, shocked.

About this time, Al comes out of the bedroom, fully dressed and packed to leave. Okay, 'bye.

Moments later, Pablo comes out - and will NOT look at me. He leaves through the front door.

At the time, I just shrugged it off. But, a few months later, when Al contacted me (for the first time) to tell me he had started DATING someone (else) he had met at the party (I knew this already from my friends in Dallas) it really hit me just how horribly hurtful that all had been. And, when Larry revealed to me that the entire dramticus personae would be attending the fest in Grand Prairie .. I just decided not to go.

Which I hate doing, because I just hate going back on my word.

The funny thing about the disease that I have - people just don't understand it at all. They think you're just "moody" and difficult. Even my sister, who is VERY compassionate, can't understand that I have little control over my social interactions.

And the medication makes me a zombie. And it costs a blazing fortune.

At least I've now learned when I'm close to the edge, and I have the ability to try to prevent me from going OVER the edge by avoiding drinking and other co-factors. There are a few others I need to get better at avoiding.

Still, I just feel like an alien visiting this planet half the time.

These last two days have been REAL rough.

A note to any blog fans who don't know what I'm talking about: There are a couple of people who DO know - My sister, Richard, Larry, my dad (and, by extension, my entire family, since he can't help but tell everyone everything within minutes of learning about it) and Brian. Brian who I haven't yet mentioned here, but who reads this about every day. I told Brian about this when he had nine martinis in his system, and so I am betting that he'll never remember a thing about it.

Don't feel left out. People can't handle it. Yes, it's serious, no, you won't understand it - you'll think I am a space alien, and no, it's not HIV. Yes, it's going to kill me sooner or later. Unless some miracle occurs, and my business partner decides to cough up some health insurance, and I can get on regular medication. The meds cost some $350 a month - plus the bi-weekly doctors visits.

Even then, I don't know that it's something that can be managed, as opposed to just slowed down.

Don't feel bad. And, no - I'm not going to tell you OR drop hints. Just forget it.