Well, I'm on my second mug of coffee. I quit the church in Clear Lake last night, in the middle of a four hour panic attack last night. Was up until 5:00. Very fun.

I wrote a post this morning, but .. my session had expired, and everything I had typed was lost. I love that.

Last night (about 4:00 a.m.) I was thinking about dropping my cell number, changing my email address. I may yet. I don't know.

Talked to Matt in Orlando this morning a while - he sent me a picture of his fabulous Halloween costume - I looked into using miles to fly out there today, but it's just too late.

Nicole has other plans tonight, so I'm without anyone to attend the theater party that I always go to. Last year, I only had her to talk to, so I'm staying home this year. Half of the party are straight friends of the host, and they can't handle a 6'4" red fairy on roller skates. The theater people are all very into their little cliques, and they don't talk to me either. So .. put on the costume, drive over there, stumble in on the roller skates, stand around without anyone to talk to for a few hours? Sounds awesome!

I have to get the Fabulair website done by Monday morning. I have it all designed, it's just getting it done.

Two nights ago, I realized that there is something else in my psyche that is unrevealed, it's running the show .. and, what to do about it?

I've been rolling this around, and all I've come up with so far is:

* This precedes my childhood memory of being left in the front yard - moving van gone, etc.
* It's the foundation for my two word sentence about myself "Not wanted"
* My whole world has been created around that core belief, job, relationships, friendships, career track, credit, family - it's extremely powerful
* My activity is to withdraw - to pull myself out of the sandbox when I get confronted with "not wanted" and TO NOT TRY AT ALL
* Just knowing that I'm acting out of it isn't helpful
* I have a dichotomy of having created this huge circle of people who are crazy about me (anti-not-wanted) with things that are not-wanted and threaten my safety (money, romantic relationships, work)
* Just knowing that hasn't helped

I meditated a LONG time about this today. I have no specific memory of "what happened" - just weird things, lots of crib and bassinet imagery. My older half-brother and some cousins. Flies (what's THAT about?) A bassinet that had a bomb bay door (under me.) Nothing else.

I'm going to make dinner and see what else I can cook up.

Susan checks in - she's my coach.

I want to scream out… DON”T DO IT!!! I get the whole thing about needing to get something rolling, but on the other hand, I also feel that it drains energy and all that is good from your very soul. Then what will you have left over to get your deal going??? Now, if it were just show up, do some work, get paid, then, that could actually support your future. Because, as near as I can tell, nothing else will be your future anyway!

Love ya!

Me

So, I had my meeting today. It went quite well; they offered me a job. It's straight commission - which I've been on since 1937.
Also, contract, no benefits. Ditto. Smokers. The whole office.

On the other hand, they have a TON of work. Right away, they have about 150 files for me to go through, trying to find those that can be salvaged. Then, I have to sell the clients on fee-paid services, and then a loan. They do a ton of advertising. And, they have a home builder account that they want to turn over to me.

IF it all works out; IF the files pan out the way that they suggest, IF .. I could do fairly well. Still, no future, no equity, no promotion, no ..

No start-up fee to get the contract rolling. I kill it, I get 40%.

I did NOT want to go back to lending. I definately did not want to go back to a straight commission, no future environment.

However, all of my other "feelers" seem to be heading in the same ultimate direction. Spec work, no present fees for work produced, no guarantees of EVER making any money. If money does come together, it's in late 2005.

Um .. hello? I have to eat? Keep a roof over the dogs' heads?

What I want to do is make MY deal work. If I'm going to be eating what I kill, I'd rather have a larger percentage of it and control.

However. I have obligations and I have to generate money to get my deal rolling.

So, dear reader, I am stuck like glue. Yeah, they'll pay me at this mortgage company. While they ride me like the nickel pony ride on advice on all their legal screw ups and misperceptions about how the world REALLY works. I can see that coming as sure as Christmas.

Or, I can go on trying to do spec business development work with NO business flow, and everyone wanting my work product if they can pay me IF/WHEN the money comes in.

And I've made no decision. I just can't. I'm tired, but not resigned.

I really like this condo that's going up a few blocks from here. Basically the same kind of floorplan I have now, but about 50% bigger. They're nutty about the price, though. 

This married man should have a warning tattoo on his forehead. If you see him, stay away. 

I'm watching this .. wild .. movie. "The Rules of Attraction." College life flick. The amazingly handsome campus drug dealer has it bad for this beautiful young woman who wants to commit herself to him, but they've never had so much as a decent conversation. Someone is leaving him love notes in his mailbox, and he's convinced it's her. Her room mate is trying to convince her that he's a sleaze, and then the room mate does him at a party - and she walks in on them. However, the letter writer is NOT the woman we think - it's this totally other woman who's in the background of the whole story, and she commits suicide when he (not even knowing that she's alive) "rejects" her at the party and runs off with the room mate. Very .. Clockwork Orange. So, now, the primary female has utterly rejected the drug dealer, who's about to hang himself with a phone cord. That's when the dogs had to go out, and I came in to start writing this tome.

Oh, and the gay guy who's in love with the drug dealer - we're waiting to find out what he's going to do.

Have I mentioned that I hate married men? I do.

Here's a note from my sweet friend Y about the married guy she's involved with.

In a message dated 10/25/2004 10:33:56 AM Central Standard Time, [me] writes:


"Men can suck."

Y writes back ..

no pun intended huh????/ :o)

My dickhead said and sent email that we were going to spend the whole weekend together for my birthday, saturday galveston & opry, sunday galleria and Victoria Secrets...... Next thing you know he's got a cart race with son in AM, I'm cool with that, then he decided that he had to take his brother somewhere and would be available around noon... cool, i call at noon and he didn't go do any of it and was at the house just watching tv. then he had the odasity to ask, "so are we going to hook up later today"...... what the fuck......I had to hang up so that I wouldn't start balling or screaming... stupid fucker

Didn't talk to him at all the whole day, stayed here by myself. Sunday didn't call him or he call me until around 5: and then again at 9:. He never answered but I knew that he got the message. Got an email from him around 9:30 stating that we would go back to the original plan and not see one another for a while because we weren't on the same emotional level...... what the fuck ever. I didn't even get a bd card and we're supposed to be PARTNERS....... ick

This is MY idea of a superman, and a superman costume! 

Chet from Tulsa - actually from Turkey, presently in Tulsa. 

I'm still tired. I've slept and slept today, but I just can't stay up late anymore and funtion the next day. When I combine staying up late with drinking .. double whammy.

I'm watching this movie "Issues 101" - it's a gay themed film, made very recently, shot with a video camera instead of a movie camera. So far, it has a stupidity factor of 9.5. I don't know if I'll make it to the end.

I think Chet is going to come down next weekend from Tulsa to visit. He's a sweetie. I'll post his picture.