Okay, so I'm rotated and balanced.
My tires, that is.
While I watched them find the ONE tire that was out of balance (I could tell from driving Ruby that it was only one tire, so that was fun) I talked to Susan for a while. She was trying to help me distinguish my energy around being stood up ongoingly, and we didn't really get anywhere as far as root causes, but we did put in place a few structures for the future:
1.) Someone stands me up or cancels on me ONE TIME, they don't get a second chance, period.
2.) In business, if someone doesn't follow through on their word .. it's OVER. No second chances.
3.) I am never again going to ask someone out - I am only going to respond to men asking ME out. That way, I can't create possibility in my head and go forward with it; they have to generate it.
Had dinner at Lance and Steve's place tonight - Steve is going to design our in-flight food "Vice-President of Culinary Fabulousness."
It was yummy.
Still not a word out of Jarred.
I'm almost ready for bed. I really need some time to just unwind - two days. I may be able to get those next weekend, if I can get all my tax returns done on Friday.
DJHJD
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Okay, so "Bitter, Party of One"
I wrote last night's blog, and then felt really ugly about it. So, I went to bed. That didn't help. Then, I had dreams about my mother (not good ones, either) and some more insight into this whole thing with men, I think. At least some clues, if not insight.
So, then I woke up feeling .. not good about the thing, and embarassed that I had written to ALL of my friends (well, not all, only the ones who might remotely think about sending Jarred a message) last night that displayed such childishness and bitterness.
BLEH
I spent the hours after being stood up (again, not just by Jarred, but .. the fifth time in two weeks?) being all rational and intellectual about it - as in "I wouldn't want to be around someone who would treat someone that way anyway, etc."
As is common for me with emotionally stressful situations, I process first, then indulge the emotion, then process the emotion.
Now, most people will not read this entire thing until this morning, or later .. say Monday. A few have read it .. and whoo-EEE, am I embarassed.
Let me begin to cover my tracks by saying that this morning's early blood glucose reading was 96. Coolness.
I think I need to (1) call Susan today, (2) focus on Fabulair, my contracts and my friends, and (3) refrain from contact with men until I get something straightened out in my head. Well, not STRAIGHT ...
I wrote last night's blog, and then felt really ugly about it. So, I went to bed. That didn't help. Then, I had dreams about my mother (not good ones, either) and some more insight into this whole thing with men, I think. At least some clues, if not insight.
So, then I woke up feeling .. not good about the thing, and embarassed that I had written to ALL of my friends (well, not all, only the ones who might remotely think about sending Jarred a message) last night that displayed such childishness and bitterness.
BLEH
I spent the hours after being stood up (again, not just by Jarred, but .. the fifth time in two weeks?) being all rational and intellectual about it - as in "I wouldn't want to be around someone who would treat someone that way anyway, etc."
As is common for me with emotionally stressful situations, I process first, then indulge the emotion, then process the emotion.
Now, most people will not read this entire thing until this morning, or later .. say Monday. A few have read it .. and whoo-EEE, am I embarassed.
Let me begin to cover my tracks by saying that this morning's early blood glucose reading was 96. Coolness.
I think I need to (1) call Susan today, (2) focus on Fabulair, my contracts and my friends, and (3) refrain from contact with men until I get something straightened out in my head. Well, not STRAIGHT ...
Friday, July 30, 2004
Jarred ver. 5.01
Stood up again! Text messaged him twice about maybe changing restaurants, and called, straight to voice mail. Went to the original restaurant, and he never showed. It's now 75 minutes after our lunch appointment, and he hasn't called or replied.
It's raining outside .. like crazy. Kind of peaceful.
Stood up again! Text messaged him twice about maybe changing restaurants, and called, straight to voice mail. Went to the original restaurant, and he never showed. It's now 75 minutes after our lunch appointment, and he hasn't called or replied.
It's raining outside .. like crazy. Kind of peaceful.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
WOW. How unexpected!
Mikey and Jay were over last night, and I thought they were staying for dinner. They left before I started cooking, and I had been emailing with Chuck all day, and I just shot him an email asking if he'd like to come over for dinner. He called back about 8:30, and said that he had just come in. We chatted briefly, and I said "well, eat something, and get bored and come over." So, he said he would.
He came over about 10:00, and had a movie with him - "Girls Will be Girls." We watched it, had a nice time hanging out. It was about midnight, and he got up to leave. I tohught I was going to get a chaste kiss goodnight, and he ended up staying until 2:45. We had a GREAT time, lots of talking and snuggling. We are supposed to talk again today.
I'm waiting on a tax client who called yesterday; I've talked to her three times today, and she should be here by now. After that, Travis is coming over, and then I have to run to Sam's to pick up a prescription for Jay. The LSAT student didn't show up, nor call, nor email. Bleh.
Just had an automated email from eBay telling me "congratulations on your first purchase from eBay motors." Scared me silly. I haven't mentally committed to buying that Impy, and I did put a bid on it, one that I feel confident will be outbid in the nearly four days left on the auction.
Had to go and check.
Well, where IS this tax client?
Mikey and Jay were over last night, and I thought they were staying for dinner. They left before I started cooking, and I had been emailing with Chuck all day, and I just shot him an email asking if he'd like to come over for dinner. He called back about 8:30, and said that he had just come in. We chatted briefly, and I said "well, eat something, and get bored and come over." So, he said he would.
He came over about 10:00, and had a movie with him - "Girls Will be Girls." We watched it, had a nice time hanging out. It was about midnight, and he got up to leave. I tohught I was going to get a chaste kiss goodnight, and he ended up staying until 2:45. We had a GREAT time, lots of talking and snuggling. We are supposed to talk again today.
I'm waiting on a tax client who called yesterday; I've talked to her three times today, and she should be here by now. After that, Travis is coming over, and then I have to run to Sam's to pick up a prescription for Jay. The LSAT student didn't show up, nor call, nor email. Bleh.
Just had an automated email from eBay telling me "congratulations on your first purchase from eBay motors." Scared me silly. I haven't mentally committed to buying that Impy, and I did put a bid on it, one that I feel confident will be outbid in the nearly four days left on the auction.
Had to go and check.
Well, where IS this tax client?
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
.
WOW. What a day.
I started off at 7:30 this morning; after having been up to 2:00 working on a tax return. Got out of the rack, and started off by clearing email and so on. Sent a clarifying email to my Fabulair "team" - telling them just where things were, and what to expect. I'm starting a Fabulair blog tomorrow to keep people abreast of that - it's going to be private for just those who are participating, and those who are important, like Susan and Nicole.
SO, no more fabulair news here.
I cleaned ALL the ceiling fans today, cleaned the track lights, the tops of the doors, the laundry room, the kitchen floor. Bought groceries. Did tax work. Did financial work. Helped Mikey's boyfriend Jay out. Set up a toll-free number for Fabulair. Set up my Outlook Express to manage Fabulair email. Filled up water jugs. Paid for my new brake pads. I'm exhausted!
Now, I'm too tired to work more. I have a 10:30 doctor's appointment, a 11:30 tax appointment, the LSAT student coming for tutoring, and more work to do in the afternoon and evening.
At least the apartment is pretty clean. Tomorrow, I still have dusting to do, and the bathroom floor to clean. Whew!
Okay, I'm pretty tired now, and I have to reboot. Hopefully, I'll have more in the morning.
I started off at 7:30 this morning; after having been up to 2:00 working on a tax return. Got out of the rack, and started off by clearing email and so on. Sent a clarifying email to my Fabulair "team" - telling them just where things were, and what to expect. I'm starting a Fabulair blog tomorrow to keep people abreast of that - it's going to be private for just those who are participating, and those who are important, like Susan and Nicole.
SO, no more fabulair news here.
I cleaned ALL the ceiling fans today, cleaned the track lights, the tops of the doors, the laundry room, the kitchen floor. Bought groceries. Did tax work. Did financial work. Helped Mikey's boyfriend Jay out. Set up a toll-free number for Fabulair. Set up my Outlook Express to manage Fabulair email. Filled up water jugs. Paid for my new brake pads. I'm exhausted!
Now, I'm too tired to work more. I have a 10:30 doctor's appointment, a 11:30 tax appointment, the LSAT student coming for tutoring, and more work to do in the afternoon and evening.
At least the apartment is pretty clean. Tomorrow, I still have dusting to do, and the bathroom floor to clean. Whew!
Okay, I'm pretty tired now, and I have to reboot. Hopefully, I'll have more in the morning.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
The first morning of "Freedom."
Haven't started WORKING just yet, but have clipped out a number of emails, and done some online work. I'm waiting to hear from Lance; he said he's coming over this morning. Taxes have to be done today, loans worked on. Plus, I have to go through all this CRAP I brought home from the office, and figure out where to PUT it all. Bleh.
Okay, so Lance is coming at noon. I can spend my morning doing cleaning and organizing, so that I have something set up here that makes this place look a little less disorganized. Since he's not coming for breakfast, I'll have to whip up some oatmeal now.
I got the original window sticker for the '73 Impy that I found on eBay yesterday. It ROCKS! I think it's the PERFECT car for me (timing, condition, equipment, color, etc.) You can check it out for a few weeks at:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2485571883&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT
Brent just IMd. Today is his birthday.
I'm thinking of buying a new Palm. They're making it nearly impossible to resist. If I sign up for a 12 month subscription with some audio book company (annual price of $160) they'll give me $100 off, plus they'll ship it for free, and give me a $50 gift certificate for more Palm stuff if I ship them my old one back (which gives me something to do with it - it's been a good machine these last five years, but there is no support for it anymore.) If I buy it by Friday, they'll include 32MB memory card for free. So, the net out of pocket price is $99, I can have a year's worth of audio books to teach myself Spanish and re-fresh my German, and they'll essentially FINANCE the other $100 of the purchase price.
Okay, Lance is here and we're going to get to work. More later. Brent's coming over to celebrate his birthday later.
Haven't started WORKING just yet, but have clipped out a number of emails, and done some online work. I'm waiting to hear from Lance; he said he's coming over this morning. Taxes have to be done today, loans worked on. Plus, I have to go through all this CRAP I brought home from the office, and figure out where to PUT it all. Bleh.
Okay, so Lance is coming at noon. I can spend my morning doing cleaning and organizing, so that I have something set up here that makes this place look a little less disorganized. Since he's not coming for breakfast, I'll have to whip up some oatmeal now.
I got the original window sticker for the '73 Impy that I found on eBay yesterday. It ROCKS! I think it's the PERFECT car for me (timing, condition, equipment, color, etc.) You can check it out for a few weeks at:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2485571883&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT
Brent just IMd. Today is his birthday.
I'm thinking of buying a new Palm. They're making it nearly impossible to resist. If I sign up for a 12 month subscription with some audio book company (annual price of $160) they'll give me $100 off, plus they'll ship it for free, and give me a $50 gift certificate for more Palm stuff if I ship them my old one back (which gives me something to do with it - it's been a good machine these last five years, but there is no support for it anymore.) If I buy it by Friday, they'll include 32MB memory card for free. So, the net out of pocket price is $99, I can have a year's worth of audio books to teach myself Spanish and re-fresh my German, and they'll essentially FINANCE the other $100 of the purchase price.
Okay, Lance is here and we're going to get to work. More later. Brent's coming over to celebrate his birthday later.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Well, it is truly over. I could tell this morning that it wasn't going to go well when I walked into the office and Rick was behind the office door with the door locked and the lights off - like he was going to catch me doing something.
Short story - he brought Lance and me into the conference room, asked us to air our concerns, we said we already had, he said that they were going to have us work on the consulting business making sales calls. For commission. Only. That we'd have to split.
So, I pointed out that it was a 180 degree turn from what I had been promised to induce me to come aboard. He nodded. So, I said "no." He looked at Lance. Lance said "no." We packed up our stuff and were back at my apartment by 10:00.
Later today, Richard wrote to me and asked if this was going to interfere with our friendship. Uh, no. However .. your boyfriend IS sucking you dry, and has it set up to totally screw you.
He read it, but hasn't responded.
So, the apartment is now crowded with "stuff" from the office. Again.
Oh, just a footnote - this evening, Curtis (who hasn't been mentioned here in a while - the construction worker who got married to a woman who was supposedly pregnant with his baby) called today - he was on his way back from Freeport in his boss' truck - could he come over and hang out? And then, could I drive him up past Tomball home (about 60km each way) Uh, no. So, it turns out that he doesn't WANT to go home, because she'll chew on him when he just wants to sleep. I said "well, you're the one who married her. Deal with it."
The married guy Brent dropped by again today. He just needs to get a grip and deal with the fact that he's a big old fag.
A sweet big old fag who likes to play golf, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Okay, I'm out of ideas. I have a ton of work to do tomorrow.
Short story - he brought Lance and me into the conference room, asked us to air our concerns, we said we already had, he said that they were going to have us work on the consulting business making sales calls. For commission. Only. That we'd have to split.
So, I pointed out that it was a 180 degree turn from what I had been promised to induce me to come aboard. He nodded. So, I said "no." He looked at Lance. Lance said "no." We packed up our stuff and were back at my apartment by 10:00.
Later today, Richard wrote to me and asked if this was going to interfere with our friendship. Uh, no. However .. your boyfriend IS sucking you dry, and has it set up to totally screw you.
He read it, but hasn't responded.
So, the apartment is now crowded with "stuff" from the office. Again.
Oh, just a footnote - this evening, Curtis (who hasn't been mentioned here in a while - the construction worker who got married to a woman who was supposedly pregnant with his baby) called today - he was on his way back from Freeport in his boss' truck - could he come over and hang out? And then, could I drive him up past Tomball home (about 60km each way) Uh, no. So, it turns out that he doesn't WANT to go home, because she'll chew on him when he just wants to sleep. I said "well, you're the one who married her. Deal with it."
The married guy Brent dropped by again today. He just needs to get a grip and deal with the fact that he's a big old fag.
A sweet big old fag who likes to play golf, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Okay, I'm out of ideas. I have a ton of work to do tomorrow.
God, more bizarre dreams last night. Exhausting. I don't even really remember what they were about last night.
Walking the dogs this morning, I got to thinking that I really don't want to split fees with MJV anymore, so I went to the ProSeries website and ordered up a demo package. Seems that I can buy my own copy with a license for 50 returns for $250. Why, that's less than what I'd have to give over to him for ONE big corporate return! I just don't know if I can qualify through the background suitability check for being an e-filer, but I'm sure I can figure that out.
I have to get into the shower in 15 minutes to leave for "work." I really don't want to go, but Lance and I have agreed that we'll both show up this morning. I'm not doing any more meetings, and I'm not doing any more sales presentations, webinars, demos, nothing. No more.
Anyway, Eric has taken on, unasked, the project of converting my douglashord.com website to a non-flash site; I'll be able to host google ads there and have a bunch more content over on that side. He also suggested a "martinimotorist" website .. another avenue for me to have more google ads.
I don't know how long I'll be at "work" today - could be fairly short, and me coming home with a box full of my stuff. Wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest.
Walking the dogs this morning, I got to thinking that I really don't want to split fees with MJV anymore, so I went to the ProSeries website and ordered up a demo package. Seems that I can buy my own copy with a license for 50 returns for $250. Why, that's less than what I'd have to give over to him for ONE big corporate return! I just don't know if I can qualify through the background suitability check for being an e-filer, but I'm sure I can figure that out.
I have to get into the shower in 15 minutes to leave for "work." I really don't want to go, but Lance and I have agreed that we'll both show up this morning. I'm not doing any more meetings, and I'm not doing any more sales presentations, webinars, demos, nothing. No more.
Anyway, Eric has taken on, unasked, the project of converting my douglashord.com website to a non-flash site; I'll be able to host google ads there and have a bunch more content over on that side. He also suggested a "martinimotorist" website .. another avenue for me to have more google ads.
I don't know how long I'll be at "work" today - could be fairly short, and me coming home with a box full of my stuff. Wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
The bread's done. I should hit the sack here, but of course, I'm not sleepy.
I was talking to Mike - this terrific guy that I've known about three years. He moved to Phoenix a few months back. I was his "first" back about three years ago. He'd come over, we'd have GREAT sex, and then he'd vanish for months. Then, he'd roar back into life .. for a few hours .. and then vanish again. Not willing to talk to me at all.
Since he's been in Phoenix, he's been much more communicative. He's gotten "into" being submissive, sexually, and he likes me to talk to him in that fashion. Then, he'll go into these moods where he talks to me like I'm a dirty old man, only interested in him for something he won't and can't give. He tells me that he ran from me because I expected too much from him, wanted too much, and he couldn't be around that.
So, today, he tells me that I've put a "curse" on him, that he can't find anyone to have sex with. And that he's open to being my boyfriend.
Where's the valium?
I was talking to Mike - this terrific guy that I've known about three years. He moved to Phoenix a few months back. I was his "first" back about three years ago. He'd come over, we'd have GREAT sex, and then he'd vanish for months. Then, he'd roar back into life .. for a few hours .. and then vanish again. Not willing to talk to me at all.
Since he's been in Phoenix, he's been much more communicative. He's gotten "into" being submissive, sexually, and he likes me to talk to him in that fashion. Then, he'll go into these moods where he talks to me like I'm a dirty old man, only interested in him for something he won't and can't give. He tells me that he ran from me because I expected too much from him, wanted too much, and he couldn't be around that.
So, today, he tells me that I've put a "curse" on him, that he can't find anyone to have sex with. And that he's open to being my boyfriend.
Where's the valium?
Baking bread. I've accomplished little in the way of substantive work today; I still have to read for tomorrow evening's class, I have two movies to watch and send back.
Not a peep out of R&R this weekend. Lance feels we should go in tomorrow morning, and see where things take us. We're both committed to finding something else.
The church thing this morning went great. I had no real "lesson" per se, I was just winging it. I had no reference material, just was talking about how the freedom from worry (serenity) brought about opportunities and increasing our income to a level appropriate to our skill set and productivity.
Today, at lunch, I had a fortune cookie "Your professional experience is worth a huge fortune."
I like it!
In my post church nap period today, I had truly bizarre dreams. I was wiped out when I woke up. I was back in my high school (which was about six times the size of my actual high school) in the theater .. and running around from room to room .. for some reason, I think I was trying to find someone to have sex with, but it was just weird. Part hunting, part running. Anyway, there were these two guys that I met in a stairwell who were threatening. I don't remember exactly what happened to the one, but the other .. well .. the police showed up to arrest him, and we were sort of engaged in sexual congress while the police officer was busy dealing with the other guy.
Then, I was in my father's house, which was across the street from Rick's house. I kept going from one to the other. Rick was totally threatening, and he kept screwing with my computer (shades of truth) I was trying to get away, and I kept going to my dad's house for help, but he was busy with his wife and her friends. Nicole kept trying to help me, but I felt aimless.
I woke up just .. stunned by it all.
Anyway .. that's the poop. More in the morning.
Not a peep out of R&R this weekend. Lance feels we should go in tomorrow morning, and see where things take us. We're both committed to finding something else.
The church thing this morning went great. I had no real "lesson" per se, I was just winging it. I had no reference material, just was talking about how the freedom from worry (serenity) brought about opportunities and increasing our income to a level appropriate to our skill set and productivity.
Today, at lunch, I had a fortune cookie "Your professional experience is worth a huge fortune."
I like it!
In my post church nap period today, I had truly bizarre dreams. I was wiped out when I woke up. I was back in my high school (which was about six times the size of my actual high school) in the theater .. and running around from room to room .. for some reason, I think I was trying to find someone to have sex with, but it was just weird. Part hunting, part running. Anyway, there were these two guys that I met in a stairwell who were threatening. I don't remember exactly what happened to the one, but the other .. well .. the police showed up to arrest him, and we were sort of engaged in sexual congress while the police officer was busy dealing with the other guy.
Then, I was in my father's house, which was across the street from Rick's house. I kept going from one to the other. Rick was totally threatening, and he kept screwing with my computer (shades of truth) I was trying to get away, and I kept going to my dad's house for help, but he was busy with his wife and her friends. Nicole kept trying to help me, but I felt aimless.
I woke up just .. stunned by it all.
Anyway .. that's the poop. More in the morning.
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