Freedom
I have to say, this incredible montage made me cry this morning....
DJHJD
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Draft of my first SOM article...
So, I've been intending to write some articles and submit them to the SOM magazine- this one is my first (actually third draft of the first one.) Here we go!
What you need to know about me is that I’m fat. In my head, I’m fat. Circus lady fat.
I’ve always been fat.
In my family, growing up, fat was the worst thing you could be named. It conveyed laziness, stupidity, incompetence, and gluttony. When I was just an infant, I remember being appended with the fat label when I was in a bassinet.
As a child, looking at pictures of myself now, I can see that I was never fat. To be sure, I wasn’t some skinny kid – but, I was never FAT. Maybe a little plump every now and again. But never fat. I wasn’t, however, athletic or active. I was more like my mother; a reader, a reflector, a thinker. I did engage in family chores; mowing the lawn, washing cars, cleaning the house – but you could never find me outside playing ball, running after other kids, or climbing trees.
For that, I was repeatedly named “fat.” And, I accepted and owned that name. I owned it like The Donald owns “Trump.”
As I grew into myself in high school, I became active in dance and drama; I was a cheerleader and a stage performer. I was a multiple disco dance contest winner. I had a 32” waist line, and wore the skin tight polyester dress slacks of the era. I felt like I looked good.
Except in my head. I was still fat. And, I had the external voice of my father’s family telling me “you’re getting a little chunky, aren’t you?” “Those pants look awfully tight.” “Gaining a little weight lately?”
And I owned it. Every word of it. I had a mental image of being fat, and when they told me I was packing on the pounds, I felt every ounce of the additional weight that I saw myself as having. I felt ashamed and uncomfortable.
I went to graduate school, and was still quite active doing things I loved to do – singing and performing, going out and dancing. I spent several years vacillating between feeling like I was fat and unattractive and feeling bulletproof and handsome.
In 1985, I finished grad school, and stopped doing nearly all of the things that I loved doing in life. I stopped being active. I gained ten pounds. I bought new, bigger clothes and started really owning my nature. I gained ten more pounds.
Over the next ten years, I gained ten pounds each year. With each additional stone, I didn’t feel fatter, I felt just the same. I was outwardly manifesting my mental picture of myself.
I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I stopped buying attractive clothing. I started dressing in duller colors and frumpier shapes. My body size got uncomfortable. Airline seats became more challenging. Ease of movement was a memory. I grew depressed. I now wouldn’t allow myself to be photographed.
I was MISERABLE. I felt like a whale. All of my friends, and there were many, kept telling me I was handsome, albeit heavy. It meant nothing, because – in my head – I was HUGE. I felt repugnant, and unable to date or participate in social events.
Even though I was working with a practitioner, and had started attending SOM classes, I always carried the burden of my size around in my head. I went straight through four years of SOM classes. Now that I look back at the homework from those classes, I do not see any suggestion that I felt that I could make a difference in my planetary dimensions. I never constructed a treatment to correct either my size or the pain, embarrassment or resentment that I felt. The fat was permanent.
However, my ongoing training as a SOM practitioner began to come into play. Explaining to classes and to my study group about creation of powerful mental and emotional equivalents caused me to closely review my own thinking and my long held belief in my body consciousness.
First, I was able to recognize that my long held body beliefs were not what I wanted. Next, I was able to see that my manifestation was only the outward expression of how I always FELT inside. Then, I was making choices that reinforced the emotional state that supported the mental belief that I was fat – guilt at eating, guilt at not exercising, guilt at my food choices, frumpy clothing choices, withdrawing from attending parties and social events, sheltering myself at home to hide from presenting my fat self to the world.
In August, I attended a family reunion. They’re obsessed with body size, food intake and the fit of their clothing. Having done my mental work in advance, I was clearly able to see the origins of my own self identity and found the humor in the family plague.
I shared my experience with my study group, and used it as an example of how we have subtle, but powerful, mental equivalents going out into Law, and how it is inevitable that we get what we believe. Brother, that was proven beyond a doubt by my experience. I saw, and explained that we had to examine each of our automatic actions and ask “do I want to feel the same way, or do I want to do something different?” Do I pick up the ice cream, and feel guilt and fatter before I even dish it up, or do I make a different choice to support a different belief? We have to work in Universal mind, in our individual mind, and in the Body, which I like to call the tactile world to roll back these beliefs that we have owned so deeply.
So, my size hasn’t changed. I’m the same that I have been for the last five or so years. But, I’ve been set free. I don’t hear that internal voice screaming at me “you’re FAT.” When I put on my clothes, I’m still not pleased, but the internal torture isn’t there.
And, dare I say it? My trousers seem to be looser lately.
Copyright 2006
What you need to know about me is that I’m fat. In my head, I’m fat. Circus lady fat.
I’ve always been fat.
In my family, growing up, fat was the worst thing you could be named. It conveyed laziness, stupidity, incompetence, and gluttony. When I was just an infant, I remember being appended with the fat label when I was in a bassinet.
As a child, looking at pictures of myself now, I can see that I was never fat. To be sure, I wasn’t some skinny kid – but, I was never FAT. Maybe a little plump every now and again. But never fat. I wasn’t, however, athletic or active. I was more like my mother; a reader, a reflector, a thinker. I did engage in family chores; mowing the lawn, washing cars, cleaning the house – but you could never find me outside playing ball, running after other kids, or climbing trees.
For that, I was repeatedly named “fat.” And, I accepted and owned that name. I owned it like The Donald owns “Trump.”
As I grew into myself in high school, I became active in dance and drama; I was a cheerleader and a stage performer. I was a multiple disco dance contest winner. I had a 32” waist line, and wore the skin tight polyester dress slacks of the era. I felt like I looked good.
Except in my head. I was still fat. And, I had the external voice of my father’s family telling me “you’re getting a little chunky, aren’t you?” “Those pants look awfully tight.” “Gaining a little weight lately?”
And I owned it. Every word of it. I had a mental image of being fat, and when they told me I was packing on the pounds, I felt every ounce of the additional weight that I saw myself as having. I felt ashamed and uncomfortable.
I went to graduate school, and was still quite active doing things I loved to do – singing and performing, going out and dancing. I spent several years vacillating between feeling like I was fat and unattractive and feeling bulletproof and handsome.
In 1985, I finished grad school, and stopped doing nearly all of the things that I loved doing in life. I stopped being active. I gained ten pounds. I bought new, bigger clothes and started really owning my nature. I gained ten more pounds.
Over the next ten years, I gained ten pounds each year. With each additional stone, I didn’t feel fatter, I felt just the same. I was outwardly manifesting my mental picture of myself.
I refused to look at myself in the mirror. I stopped buying attractive clothing. I started dressing in duller colors and frumpier shapes. My body size got uncomfortable. Airline seats became more challenging. Ease of movement was a memory. I grew depressed. I now wouldn’t allow myself to be photographed.
I was MISERABLE. I felt like a whale. All of my friends, and there were many, kept telling me I was handsome, albeit heavy. It meant nothing, because – in my head – I was HUGE. I felt repugnant, and unable to date or participate in social events.
Even though I was working with a practitioner, and had started attending SOM classes, I always carried the burden of my size around in my head. I went straight through four years of SOM classes. Now that I look back at the homework from those classes, I do not see any suggestion that I felt that I could make a difference in my planetary dimensions. I never constructed a treatment to correct either my size or the pain, embarrassment or resentment that I felt. The fat was permanent.
However, my ongoing training as a SOM practitioner began to come into play. Explaining to classes and to my study group about creation of powerful mental and emotional equivalents caused me to closely review my own thinking and my long held belief in my body consciousness.
First, I was able to recognize that my long held body beliefs were not what I wanted. Next, I was able to see that my manifestation was only the outward expression of how I always FELT inside. Then, I was making choices that reinforced the emotional state that supported the mental belief that I was fat – guilt at eating, guilt at not exercising, guilt at my food choices, frumpy clothing choices, withdrawing from attending parties and social events, sheltering myself at home to hide from presenting my fat self to the world.
In August, I attended a family reunion. They’re obsessed with body size, food intake and the fit of their clothing. Having done my mental work in advance, I was clearly able to see the origins of my own self identity and found the humor in the family plague.
I shared my experience with my study group, and used it as an example of how we have subtle, but powerful, mental equivalents going out into Law, and how it is inevitable that we get what we believe. Brother, that was proven beyond a doubt by my experience. I saw, and explained that we had to examine each of our automatic actions and ask “do I want to feel the same way, or do I want to do something different?” Do I pick up the ice cream, and feel guilt and fatter before I even dish it up, or do I make a different choice to support a different belief? We have to work in Universal mind, in our individual mind, and in the Body, which I like to call the tactile world to roll back these beliefs that we have owned so deeply.
So, my size hasn’t changed. I’m the same that I have been for the last five or so years. But, I’ve been set free. I don’t hear that internal voice screaming at me “you’re FAT.” When I put on my clothes, I’m still not pleased, but the internal torture isn’t there.
And, dare I say it? My trousers seem to be looser lately.
Copyright 2006
Hump day
I'm sitting in my living room, listening to NPR's "All Things Considered," and watching the contrails in the sky float past a full moon. It's very quiet and peaceful, and I have the house to myself for at least a few hours.
Cleaning is the order of the evening. I would really like to have the time to re-plant a bunch of plants on the patio, but it's not to be tonight.
The moon is so beautiful through these windows.
I'm cleaning up around here - vacuuming has occured (I so need a new vacuum, sheesh) and now the trash is magically going out to the bin. I guess it must seem like magic to other people, but regularly on Mondays and Thursdays, the little centro american crew shows up and hauls off the trash from the bin. So, it stands to reason that putting said trash IN said bin is a smart idea.
I called Mark about the MinniePhateon today. Led a lunchtime training that went over very well. Moving to a new (!) and bigger (!!) cube on Monday, as the current occupant is leaving for warmer climes (meaning, another shop.) I'll have a window, and about double the space.
I also talked to Rich about the QM2 cruise in May that I am intent on going on. I got the price (and didn't flinch) and have asked some questions.
This last weekend, I came to see just how bad my clothing is. I need to overhaul the entire lot of it. (sigh) Can I go to the mall in the MinniePhaeton?
Cleaning is the order of the evening. I would really like to have the time to re-plant a bunch of plants on the patio, but it's not to be tonight.
The moon is so beautiful through these windows.
I'm cleaning up around here - vacuuming has occured (I so need a new vacuum, sheesh) and now the trash is magically going out to the bin. I guess it must seem like magic to other people, but regularly on Mondays and Thursdays, the little centro american crew shows up and hauls off the trash from the bin. So, it stands to reason that putting said trash IN said bin is a smart idea.
I called Mark about the MinniePhateon today. Led a lunchtime training that went over very well. Moving to a new (!) and bigger (!!) cube on Monday, as the current occupant is leaving for warmer climes (meaning, another shop.) I'll have a window, and about double the space.
I also talked to Rich about the QM2 cruise in May that I am intent on going on. I got the price (and didn't flinch) and have asked some questions.
This last weekend, I came to see just how bad my clothing is. I need to overhaul the entire lot of it. (sigh) Can I go to the mall in the MinniePhaeton?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
One week left
And then, it will either be nonsense continued, or nonsense abated. Ish.
I've been working away since 6:15 this morning - cleaned up, put away, did laundry, folded clothes, fixed the halloween display, put out the mail, etc., etc. Got to the office at 9:15 and have been working on tomorrow's presentation. Later, I'm working on some other stuff, and going home around 4 to meet Kurtis, whom I haven't seen in ages. We'll have fun airline gossip stuff.
My sister flew through IAH yesterday, which she NEVER does, since she's not a Continental girl. She had a three hour layover, and invited me to come visit with her, so I messaged Buhz, who was indeed working at the airport. Went up there, met with him, hung out with my sister for two and a half hours, hung out with him another hour, came home.
Three trips to IAH in 14 hours. Yurg. I filled up with gas Sunday afternoon around 5 and I'm already down a half tank. Probably more, actually, since my fuel gauge is optimistic.
Bram tells me that he's leaving Friday for a week. And two days. It will be like living alone again, except for having his car in the garage.
Four trips to Clear Lake this week. Another tank of gas and forty bucks in tolls.
This weekend is going to be spent working on the house. More cleaning/organizing/sorting. Heck, if I have to move in a few weeks, I may as well be ready to just shove things into boxes. Actually, things are in very good shape, except that I need to clean up the office, including the last of someone else's files, and get rid of the extraneous office equipment.
Went to KFC for lunch - two piece meal with smashed potatos and a biscuit for $2.15 with tax included. Note to file - lunch on Tuesdays at KFC.
Okay, so Kurtis forgot that I had moved. That means I got home early and have allllll this stuff I could be working on. I think I'll work on an outline of the web-based mortgage support business that I've conceived of that I now have the human assets to make happen.
Finally got BG test strips today; I think it's been nearly a month without them. They have gone up in price SO much lately; I finally found some on the internet that were much cheaper (like 60% of the price at Walgreen's.) I bought a bunch..
I've been working away since 6:15 this morning - cleaned up, put away, did laundry, folded clothes, fixed the halloween display, put out the mail, etc., etc. Got to the office at 9:15 and have been working on tomorrow's presentation. Later, I'm working on some other stuff, and going home around 4 to meet Kurtis, whom I haven't seen in ages. We'll have fun airline gossip stuff.
My sister flew through IAH yesterday, which she NEVER does, since she's not a Continental girl. She had a three hour layover, and invited me to come visit with her, so I messaged Buhz, who was indeed working at the airport. Went up there, met with him, hung out with my sister for two and a half hours, hung out with him another hour, came home.
Three trips to IAH in 14 hours. Yurg. I filled up with gas Sunday afternoon around 5 and I'm already down a half tank. Probably more, actually, since my fuel gauge is optimistic.
Bram tells me that he's leaving Friday for a week. And two days. It will be like living alone again, except for having his car in the garage.
Four trips to Clear Lake this week. Another tank of gas and forty bucks in tolls.
This weekend is going to be spent working on the house. More cleaning/organizing/sorting. Heck, if I have to move in a few weeks, I may as well be ready to just shove things into boxes. Actually, things are in very good shape, except that I need to clean up the office, including the last of someone else's files, and get rid of the extraneous office equipment.
Went to KFC for lunch - two piece meal with smashed potatos and a biscuit for $2.15 with tax included. Note to file - lunch on Tuesdays at KFC.
Okay, so Kurtis forgot that I had moved. That means I got home early and have allllll this stuff I could be working on. I think I'll work on an outline of the web-based mortgage support business that I've conceived of that I now have the human assets to make happen.
Finally got BG test strips today; I think it's been nearly a month without them. They have gone up in price SO much lately; I finally found some on the internet that were much cheaper (like 60% of the price at Walgreen's.) I bought a bunch..
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Finally, an entry
I don't feel badly about taking a week to enter into my blog, as most everyone whose blog I read (or would read, if they'd just write something) writes about once ever never.
Besides, I already voted, and so the shrill clangor of the political blogs have less insistence for me. So, not as much that I need to cross post. Besides, it's not like anyone was paying attention.
We got the church all moved in; it's fabulous. That's about all I've accomplished this weekend, save for going to two halloween parties. Oh, and we decorated the front of the house. It's FUN.
Bram's been in Fort Myers all weekend. He's been delayed, re-routed, his bag lost, injured his eye, broken his phone, and been unable to communicate except by occasional email.
He should have flown Continental.
Three tanks of gas in the last week. Again. 1200 miles. Four more trips to Clear Lake this week, no less.
Have a bunch of stuff that needs to be filed, mailed, cleaned up .. won't get that done tonight, either. Bleh.
Bret's been visitng this weekend - he hates the house and the Buick. We went yesterday and looked at the Acura RL again. I liked it a lot, but it just doesn't make me as excited as does the Phaeton.
The work thing has been going well enough - I am developing seminars, presentations, marketing plans, etc., and coaching the willing. I'm working on some commercial deals for myself, and anticipating some problem solving overrides. I have a ton of things to do this week, and have a board meeting, a class to teach this week and something else going on.
Bret made dinner tonight, and he's now making a cake. German Chocolate.
Besides, I already voted, and so the shrill clangor of the political blogs have less insistence for me. So, not as much that I need to cross post. Besides, it's not like anyone was paying attention.
We got the church all moved in; it's fabulous. That's about all I've accomplished this weekend, save for going to two halloween parties. Oh, and we decorated the front of the house. It's FUN.
Bram's been in Fort Myers all weekend. He's been delayed, re-routed, his bag lost, injured his eye, broken his phone, and been unable to communicate except by occasional email.
He should have flown Continental.
Three tanks of gas in the last week. Again. 1200 miles. Four more trips to Clear Lake this week, no less.
Have a bunch of stuff that needs to be filed, mailed, cleaned up .. won't get that done tonight, either. Bleh.
Bret's been visitng this weekend - he hates the house and the Buick. We went yesterday and looked at the Acura RL again. I liked it a lot, but it just doesn't make me as excited as does the Phaeton.
The work thing has been going well enough - I am developing seminars, presentations, marketing plans, etc., and coaching the willing. I'm working on some commercial deals for myself, and anticipating some problem solving overrides. I have a ton of things to do this week, and have a board meeting, a class to teach this week and something else going on.
Bret made dinner tonight, and he's now making a cake. German Chocolate.
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