The last day.
Spent part of today hanging out, part of today updating the church's website, part of the day screwing around, and part of the day reflecting.
Did some laundry, shipped out a package, did a little organizing. All in all, not the work day that I was expecting to have, but it is okay.
Things I've noticed about myself in the last few days..
First, I am sick to death of people who are utterly disengaged with the rest of the world; people who call and aren't even aware that someone else is on the call unless you utterly cease talking. People who aren't engaged in a conversation, but a monologue. Taking into account that people are mirrors for elements in our own personalities, I have to ask myself - am I someone who is utterly unaware and disinterested in the feelings and goings-on of other people? Or, am I so working to attune myself to other people that I wish to purge all of that from my psyche?
Secondly, taking my two dogs are mirrors, Barney has many of the qualities that I describe in the above paragraph. He's utterly unconcerned about anyone else than himself - everything is about him. Today, he had a banner day - he ate his food, he ate Jackie's food, he was crying and screaming by 7:30 this morning, and he peed on the kitchen floor. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Pay attention to ME dammit. He is also one who creates a mess just to get attention. That part of myself, I can see. I'm leaving it behind, though.
So, he's anxious about everything, and always getting into the way and creating a mess for someone else to clean up in order to gain attention. He feels he's been ignored or pushed away, so he uses these techniques to get attention.
I know that I've been pushing these elements of my personality out, and perhaps that's why he''s more irritating than ever.
Last night, I had another WTF dream - the third one in a week where I was doing complex, intellectual work for someone (this time, for my former uncle by marriage the insurance multi-millionaire) who decided after I did the work to not pay me and offer excuses. I woke up just ANGRY. I decided that it's time for that expectation of self to leave. In 2006, I am only going to get PAID in full, and I'm going to charge what the market will bear for my substantial skill and knowledge base.
My entire work history since law school has been filled with these events; people who need my help and then can't or won't pay; people who need help with a mortgage, and then can't get the deal done, or leave for a few dollars offered somewhere else.
Let's not even get into a conversation about the men I've found appealing.
I have been reflecting on some of the things in my life that I have been so passionate about - Continental Airlines, Jarred the bartender .. they TAKE CARE OF ME. They pay attention to me, and anticipate how to treat me well. And, I am quick to anger with companies or persons who deliver poor service or ignore me. I won't deal with them any further.
Taking again that life is a mirror, am I a person who ignored or delivers poor service? Sometimes, perhaps. I hate that in myself. I'm trying to create a business to deliver exceptional service. I'm creating a church that delivers just what people need and is attentive and free of drama and machinations that usually create division and strip away a sense of safety.
Next year - in fewer than six hours - things will go much differently. More consciousness. More effectiveness. More productivity. More of a mark on the world.
DJHJD
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
What I meant was
I had another coke addled, self inflated, non-working man working me over like the last piece of beef jerky before two hundred miles of desert, and YOU were at risk of being replaced.
It was a joke.
Of course, you thought it was about YOU. Far from it, it was intended to convey that you were the antithesis of unique; there's a parade of young men who live to enlist the aid of others to support themselves continuing their thirteen year old focus. Bus loads. Many who are much cuter, and whom are less mercinary. They're very clear - they just want cash and are willing to exchange a modicum of attention for it.
You have priced yourself out of the marketplace, as you offer nothing, deliver nothing and expect everything.
The joke is, therefore, on you.
It was a joke.
Of course, you thought it was about YOU. Far from it, it was intended to convey that you were the antithesis of unique; there's a parade of young men who live to enlist the aid of others to support themselves continuing their thirteen year old focus. Bus loads. Many who are much cuter, and whom are less mercinary. They're very clear - they just want cash and are willing to exchange a modicum of attention for it.
You have priced yourself out of the marketplace, as you offer nothing, deliver nothing and expect everything.
The joke is, therefore, on you.
The last Friday for 2005
Waiting for Mikey to come by - he's coming to meet me for a Whores of Baghdad meeting at EJ's.
Lunch with Lance today seemed strained. Don't know what's going on there.
While I was at lunch, I happened to run into John, the neighborbood mechanic - I asked him to check out my tie rod ends, since I had been told that they were in need of replacement. Uh, seems not so much. Tie rod ends are in great shape. Control arm bushings are a bit weak, but it's not a matter of them needing replacement. They're just getting old. Seems that the lack of grease fittings on modern suspension components leads to the creaking noises. It doesn't mean the parts are bad, but the noise leads car owners to think that there is a problem, which allows the repair shops to sell repairs that aren't needed.
Another piece to the puzzle.
Watching "Punch Drunk Love." Interesting movie. Very interesting.
Tomorrow will be all about getting ready for Sunday. And catching up on some personal work that needs doing.
I've been having some seriously strange dreams lately. Several that I can't write about here without offending sensibilities. But, suffice it to say that they have been WEIRD.
Heard from PJ today. He says he's coming to Houston. Whether that means he wants me to pay for the trip or not has not yet been revealed. However, as I was hanging up my dry cleaning today, I was thinking "I am SO glad that I have my apartment to myself again." Somehow, I have to keep that feeling alive going forward. Reading his blog, I wonder what that's all about. Self-promotion? Where's the profundity? Where's the content? I thought he was changing the world.
Maybe it's just one drink at a time.
This movie is REALLY weird. Unusual, though. Adam Sandler is very interesting.
Almost time to go see Jarred the non-responsive South African bartender. And to see if the boi is going to talk to me again tonight. What to wear?
Lunch with Lance today seemed strained. Don't know what's going on there.
While I was at lunch, I happened to run into John, the neighborbood mechanic - I asked him to check out my tie rod ends, since I had been told that they were in need of replacement. Uh, seems not so much. Tie rod ends are in great shape. Control arm bushings are a bit weak, but it's not a matter of them needing replacement. They're just getting old. Seems that the lack of grease fittings on modern suspension components leads to the creaking noises. It doesn't mean the parts are bad, but the noise leads car owners to think that there is a problem, which allows the repair shops to sell repairs that aren't needed.
Another piece to the puzzle.
Watching "Punch Drunk Love." Interesting movie. Very interesting.
Tomorrow will be all about getting ready for Sunday. And catching up on some personal work that needs doing.
I've been having some seriously strange dreams lately. Several that I can't write about here without offending sensibilities. But, suffice it to say that they have been WEIRD.
Heard from PJ today. He says he's coming to Houston. Whether that means he wants me to pay for the trip or not has not yet been revealed. However, as I was hanging up my dry cleaning today, I was thinking "I am SO glad that I have my apartment to myself again." Somehow, I have to keep that feeling alive going forward. Reading his blog, I wonder what that's all about. Self-promotion? Where's the profundity? Where's the content? I thought he was changing the world.
Maybe it's just one drink at a time.
This movie is REALLY weird. Unusual, though. Adam Sandler is very interesting.
Almost time to go see Jarred the non-responsive South African bartender. And to see if the boi is going to talk to me again tonight. What to wear?
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Final Thursday
Ah, a morning of car drama, followed by an afternoon of cleaning up. Ruby had a flat tire yesterday. This morning, I picked up my check, went to Sam's, bought a tire, blah, blah. Got back here, and still had hours worth of clean up and such to get done. Work? Oh, that?
Waiting for Travis the Chiropractor - I need my head rotated in the WORST way. He's called in range.
After he's done aligning the chassis, I am going to finish my movie from last night.
Only one weekend to go before it's 2006. I have a bunch of work to do this weekend. I want to start 2006 with NOTHING dragging over my shoulder. Except unpaid bills (due me) and vice-versa.
Waiting for Travis the Chiropractor - I need my head rotated in the WORST way. He's called in range.
After he's done aligning the chassis, I am going to finish my movie from last night.
Only one weekend to go before it's 2006. I have a bunch of work to do this weekend. I want to start 2006 with NOTHING dragging over my shoulder. Except unpaid bills (due me) and vice-versa.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Last Humping Day before 2006
I've had an interesting thought today - we have these behavioral and belief patterns in us that are fundamental - they define who we know ourselves to be. We (those of us who seek improvement and change) are out to root out the causes of these patterns and interrupt them, so as to produce a possibility of choice.
I've been working very hard at deep-seated and fundamental patterns about myself. In so doing, I've been bringing up deep anger and fear that I never would have guessed was there - such as the fear of someone coming into my apartment when I'm sleeping without the alarm set.
Over the last few days, my motivation - which ebbs and flows more strongly than the tides - has been utterly absent. My imagination, about business concepts, about planning, to-do lists and so on, is more productive than ever. But, in execution, I have fallen apart.
Today, I was thinking - what if this is a manner by which my fundamental self-definition can distract me from trying to further root it out? If I lay about doing little or nothing, financial crisis predictably follows in a matter of days or weeks. Success never comes. It DISTRACTS me from looking at anything deeper or as yet undiscovered.
Could this fundamental self-definition be that crafty? I think it could. To preserve itself by throwing out distractions just as the Bush administration points to terrorist boogeymen and then slams through another action to benefit their cronies suggests that it is truly threatened, this fundamental self-definition.
So, what powerful attack my self belief must be feeling to raise such a defense.
Met with Ben and his boyfriend tonight; Ben is going to help me with a visual rendering of the Fabulair flightie costume. Then, Robyn can make one for me. And then, I can have someone (William? Marc?) photographed in it. Or, I could have her make me two, and photograph both of them in it.
I have to speak the next four Sundays on the Science of Mind, and how it works. I've started to put my talk together for this Sunday.
I'm watching "Judgment at Nurenburg." FABULOUS movie.
I've been working very hard at deep-seated and fundamental patterns about myself. In so doing, I've been bringing up deep anger and fear that I never would have guessed was there - such as the fear of someone coming into my apartment when I'm sleeping without the alarm set.
Over the last few days, my motivation - which ebbs and flows more strongly than the tides - has been utterly absent. My imagination, about business concepts, about planning, to-do lists and so on, is more productive than ever. But, in execution, I have fallen apart.
Today, I was thinking - what if this is a manner by which my fundamental self-definition can distract me from trying to further root it out? If I lay about doing little or nothing, financial crisis predictably follows in a matter of days or weeks. Success never comes. It DISTRACTS me from looking at anything deeper or as yet undiscovered.
Could this fundamental self-definition be that crafty? I think it could. To preserve itself by throwing out distractions just as the Bush administration points to terrorist boogeymen and then slams through another action to benefit their cronies suggests that it is truly threatened, this fundamental self-definition.
So, what powerful attack my self belief must be feeling to raise such a defense.
Met with Ben and his boyfriend tonight; Ben is going to help me with a visual rendering of the Fabulair flightie costume. Then, Robyn can make one for me. And then, I can have someone (William? Marc?) photographed in it. Or, I could have her make me two, and photograph both of them in it.
I have to speak the next four Sundays on the Science of Mind, and how it works. I've started to put my talk together for this Sunday.
I'm watching "Judgment at Nurenburg." FABULOUS movie.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
It's finally pushed out!
After years of accumulation and nearly a year of effort, the drdivo.com website is FINALLY pushed out to the server. It's rough, to be sure, and there are lots of editing issues, but it's about 80% there!!! I'm so HAPPY!
Check it out!
If you want some REALLY fun stuff, check out the Grand Opera of the Clinton Years (written by an anonymous staffer at HGO, not by me) at this link. The complete residential history of the Casita de divo can be found there.
A great deal more content needs be written and pushed out, and a weekend of scanning pictures is coming soon, but WHOOP!
This makes me happy.
Check it out!
If you want some REALLY fun stuff, check out the Grand Opera of the Clinton Years (written by an anonymous staffer at HGO, not by me) at this link. The complete residential history of the Casita de divo can be found there.
A great deal more content needs be written and pushed out, and a weekend of scanning pictures is coming soon, but WHOOP!
This makes me happy.
A Tuesday that feels like Monday in June
It's HOT! Today, we're supposed to reach 79F; a cool front comes in tomorrow.
I'm wearing a shirt and tie today (who would have guessed?) I have more work to do this morning, and a closing that should occupy the entire afternoon.
I used the alarm this morning for the first morning since before Nick's visit over Hallowe'en.
Speaking of alarms, since Nick left (and more since Michael went to North Carolina,) I don't sleep well at night unless I arm the alarm system in the house. If I don't set it, I wake up in the middle of the night, hearing people come into the apartment. Weird.
Called the auto repair place about tie rod ends for Ruby and the missing trim piece that broke off when T and Matticia were in heat back in October. The service advisor at the auto place isn't the best about follow-up. Okay, that was polite. HE SUCKS at follow up.
Time to check on RAM for the computer here while I wait for a fax from the title company about my closing, which takes place in TWO hours. They're just trying to make me crazy, aren't they?
I'm wearing a shirt and tie today (who would have guessed?) I have more work to do this morning, and a closing that should occupy the entire afternoon.
I used the alarm this morning for the first morning since before Nick's visit over Hallowe'en.
Speaking of alarms, since Nick left (and more since Michael went to North Carolina,) I don't sleep well at night unless I arm the alarm system in the house. If I don't set it, I wake up in the middle of the night, hearing people come into the apartment. Weird.
Called the auto repair place about tie rod ends for Ruby and the missing trim piece that broke off when T and Matticia were in heat back in October. The service advisor at the auto place isn't the best about follow-up. Okay, that was polite. HE SUCKS at follow up.
Time to check on RAM for the computer here while I wait for a fax from the title company about my closing, which takes place in TWO hours. They're just trying to make me crazy, aren't they?
Monday, December 26, 2005
Monday, Monday ver .. I don't remember
So, I did get the drdivo.com website content finished! Oh my! Mikey will put it together, and later this week, we'll push it out - sucking up all of the content on the internet. WOW. It's been a long time coming.
Watched two more episodes of Angel Season One tonight - I do really love that show. I am taking a break from heavy reading; I have started reading a collection of gay male erotic fiction that's REALLY good. It has that certain quality of disconnect and disassociation that comes with some unexpected sexual interactions. I had forgotten that I had this book.
Mikey is overwhelmed with the volume of material for the website. HAH! Just wait until he learned about the complete re-write of the business website! He'll panic. I have to have that deployed by about January 20, though.
Today was rather lazier than I had originally planned. But, it was relaxing.
Talked to two different guys about self-destructive issues today - and I can't find where I put my baseball bat. They both need a knock to the head.
Tomorrow, have a BUSY morning starting with a doctor's appointment at 9:00. Then, have to close a client's loan at 1:00 p.m., and I have to make sure that his closing documents are sent out by the second lender in time for 1:00. Urk. This holiday bullshit is irritating.
My friend Elaine called me tonight and invited me to her place for New Year's Eve! How fun! That will be pleasant and low-impact. I wonder who all is coming.
Time to consider what comes next tonight ..
Watched two more episodes of Angel Season One tonight - I do really love that show. I am taking a break from heavy reading; I have started reading a collection of gay male erotic fiction that's REALLY good. It has that certain quality of disconnect and disassociation that comes with some unexpected sexual interactions. I had forgotten that I had this book.
Mikey is overwhelmed with the volume of material for the website. HAH! Just wait until he learned about the complete re-write of the business website! He'll panic. I have to have that deployed by about January 20, though.
Today was rather lazier than I had originally planned. But, it was relaxing.
Talked to two different guys about self-destructive issues today - and I can't find where I put my baseball bat. They both need a knock to the head.
Tomorrow, have a BUSY morning starting with a doctor's appointment at 9:00. Then, have to close a client's loan at 1:00 p.m., and I have to make sure that his closing documents are sent out by the second lender in time for 1:00. Urk. This holiday bullshit is irritating.
My friend Elaine called me tonight and invited me to her place for New Year's Eve! How fun! That will be pleasant and low-impact. I wonder who all is coming.
Time to consider what comes next tonight ..
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry Christmanukkwanza (MCMKWz)
Nearly the end of the day - dinner at Nicole's was lovely last night. She sent me home with leftovers, which I had tonight. YUMMY! She made "decaf" last night, which seems NOT to have been decaf, as I was up until about 3:30 this morning.
We had five people come to church this morning; we didn't do church, we just made coffee, ate kolaches and gossiped about Victoria Osteen. At noon, we quickly moved the television and stereo equipment around, and it's MUCH better.
Came home around 1:30, and took a big nap. Hung out this afternoon with Fabio for a while; he's a neat guy. I've never really talked with someone from Italy before.
Watching "kindertransport" about the exodus of Jewish children from Nazi Germany during 1938 and 1989.
Nick seems to be coming back in a few days. He's been on my mind today - and yesterday. He's very happy; he seems to have had a great day today. The thing that I can't get out of my mind is him using my garden tub and wanting to talk to me while he showered.
Started writing content for the drdivo website today. I'm going to finish that project tomorrow, and see if I can get Mikey to upload the project tomorrow. I also have to write a term paper, something for a mortgage course book, and my 2006 vision poster tomorrow. Busy day.
Talked to most everyone today; except for Dad. His phone was busy every time I called. Of course, he is consumed with Mary's brood occupying their home.
It was a great weekend. Peaceful, quiet, full of "me" time. The house is relatively clean, the laundry is done, only a few more things to put away here.
Dreamt about Philip this afternoon; well, dreamt of instant messaging with him. And, my sister. Dreamt about Richard and Rick two days ago - such a strange dream. I was to attend a party with them. I showed up, but they had made other plans (without informating me.) Somehow, they had taken advantage of me financially in this process, and then John (whom I used to work for) entered the dream. And more money dishonesty or dissemblement. Strange. I woke up thinking "what the HECK was that about?"
I watch this movie, about how the Germans turned on the Jews nearly IMMEDIATELY after Hitler came to power; the Jewish children were ostracized within days of his March 1933 election as chancellor. I watch this, and I think "that could happen here in the US so easily."
I have so many projects to complete - marks to make. This week I intend to timeline those projects out, and create the component breakdowns so I can get started in an organized manner. Some of it will require assistance. Some of it will just require a great deal of organized effort.
Me and my to do list are going to be even more close than we were before.
We had five people come to church this morning; we didn't do church, we just made coffee, ate kolaches and gossiped about Victoria Osteen. At noon, we quickly moved the television and stereo equipment around, and it's MUCH better.
Came home around 1:30, and took a big nap. Hung out this afternoon with Fabio for a while; he's a neat guy. I've never really talked with someone from Italy before.
Watching "kindertransport" about the exodus of Jewish children from Nazi Germany during 1938 and 1989.
Nick seems to be coming back in a few days. He's been on my mind today - and yesterday. He's very happy; he seems to have had a great day today. The thing that I can't get out of my mind is him using my garden tub and wanting to talk to me while he showered.
Started writing content for the drdivo website today. I'm going to finish that project tomorrow, and see if I can get Mikey to upload the project tomorrow. I also have to write a term paper, something for a mortgage course book, and my 2006 vision poster tomorrow. Busy day.
Talked to most everyone today; except for Dad. His phone was busy every time I called. Of course, he is consumed with Mary's brood occupying their home.
It was a great weekend. Peaceful, quiet, full of "me" time. The house is relatively clean, the laundry is done, only a few more things to put away here.
Dreamt about Philip this afternoon; well, dreamt of instant messaging with him. And, my sister. Dreamt about Richard and Rick two days ago - such a strange dream. I was to attend a party with them. I showed up, but they had made other plans (without informating me.) Somehow, they had taken advantage of me financially in this process, and then John (whom I used to work for) entered the dream. And more money dishonesty or dissemblement. Strange. I woke up thinking "what the HECK was that about?"
I watch this movie, about how the Germans turned on the Jews nearly IMMEDIATELY after Hitler came to power; the Jewish children were ostracized within days of his March 1933 election as chancellor. I watch this, and I think "that could happen here in the US so easily."
I have so many projects to complete - marks to make. This week I intend to timeline those projects out, and create the component breakdowns so I can get started in an organized manner. Some of it will require assistance. Some of it will just require a great deal of organized effort.
Me and my to do list are going to be even more close than we were before.
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