Three hundred sixty-five

The last day.

Spent part of today hanging out, part of today updating the church's website, part of the day screwing around, and part of the day reflecting.

Did some laundry, shipped out a package, did a little organizing. All in all, not the work day that I was expecting to have, but it is okay.

Things I've noticed about myself in the last few days..

First, I am sick to death of people who are utterly disengaged with the rest of the world; people who call and aren't even aware that someone else is on the call unless you utterly cease talking. People who aren't engaged in a conversation, but a monologue. Taking into account that people are mirrors for elements in our own personalities, I have to ask myself - am I someone who is utterly unaware and disinterested in the feelings and goings-on of other people? Or, am I so working to attune myself to other people that I wish to purge all of that from my psyche?

Secondly, taking my two dogs are mirrors, Barney has many of the qualities that I describe in the above paragraph. He's utterly unconcerned about anyone else than himself - everything is about him. Today, he had a banner day - he ate his food, he ate Jackie's food, he was crying and screaming by 7:30 this morning, and he peed on the kitchen floor. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Pay attention to ME dammit. He is also one who creates a mess just to get attention. That part of myself, I can see. I'm leaving it behind, though.

So, he's anxious about everything, and always getting into the way and creating a mess for someone else to clean up in order to gain attention. He feels he's been ignored or pushed away, so he uses these techniques to get attention.

I know that I've been pushing these elements of my personality out, and perhaps that's why he''s more irritating than ever.

Last night, I had another WTF dream - the third one in a week where I was doing complex, intellectual work for someone (this time, for my former uncle by marriage the insurance multi-millionaire) who decided after I did the work to not pay me and offer excuses. I woke up just ANGRY. I decided that it's time for that expectation of self to leave. In 2006, I am only going to get PAID in full, and I'm going to charge what the market will bear for my substantial skill and knowledge base.

My entire work history since law school has been filled with these events; people who need my help and then can't or won't pay; people who need help with a mortgage, and then can't get the deal done, or leave for a few dollars offered somewhere else.

Let's not even get into a conversation about the men I've found appealing.

I have been reflecting on some of the things in my life that I have been so passionate about - Continental Airlines, Jarred the bartender .. they TAKE CARE OF ME. They pay attention to me, and anticipate how to treat me well. And, I am quick to anger with companies or persons who deliver poor service or ignore me. I won't deal with them any further.

Taking again that life is a mirror, am I a person who ignored or delivers poor service? Sometimes, perhaps. I hate that in myself. I'm trying to create a business to deliver exceptional service. I'm creating a church that delivers just what people need and is attentive and free of drama and machinations that usually create division and strip away a sense of safety.

Next year - in fewer than six hours - things will go much differently. More consciousness. More effectiveness. More productivity. More of a mark on the world.