Last Humping Day before 2006

I've had an interesting thought today - we have these behavioral and belief patterns in us that are fundamental - they define who we know ourselves to be. We (those of us who seek improvement and change) are out to root out the causes of these patterns and interrupt them, so as to produce a possibility of choice.

I've been working very hard at deep-seated and fundamental patterns about myself. In so doing, I've been bringing up deep anger and fear that I never would have guessed was there - such as the fear of someone coming into my apartment when I'm sleeping without the alarm set.

Over the last few days, my motivation - which ebbs and flows more strongly than the tides - has been utterly absent. My imagination, about business concepts, about planning, to-do lists and so on, is more productive than ever. But, in execution, I have fallen apart.

Today, I was thinking - what if this is a manner by which my fundamental self-definition can distract me from trying to further root it out? If I lay about doing little or nothing, financial crisis predictably follows in a matter of days or weeks. Success never comes. It DISTRACTS me from looking at anything deeper or as yet undiscovered.

Could this fundamental self-definition be that crafty? I think it could. To preserve itself by throwing out distractions just as the Bush administration points to terrorist boogeymen and then slams through another action to benefit their cronies suggests that it is truly threatened, this fundamental self-definition.

So, what powerful attack my self belief must be feeling to raise such a defense.

Met with Ben and his boyfriend tonight; Ben is going to help me with a visual rendering of the Fabulair flightie costume. Then, Robyn can make one for me. And then, I can have someone (William? Marc?) photographed in it. Or, I could have her make me two, and photograph both of them in it.

I have to speak the next four Sundays on the Science of Mind, and how it works. I've started to put my talk together for this Sunday.

I'm watching "Judgment at Nurenburg." FABULOUS movie.