Sunny, gorgeous day here. I'm driving to Dallas in a little while. I've been playing with my Quicken register, and getting mentally ready for the trip. I have to go through my CD collection, as Albert is working Sunday night at Cactus, and I can liquidate everything that's not interesting anymore. I also need to get the car washed, and stop by Sprint to try to trade out my headset.

Just decided to have a New Year's Eve party and sent out the evite. When I get back from Dallas, I'll send out the cute little cocktail invitations that I have (and haven't used yet.)

Talked to Rev. D for two hours last night - people kept coming up to us and asking us if we were going to join the party. Uh, no.

Time to scan some stuff and post it to the Prac I group, then shower, and drive up to big D.

Well, it's already a weird day here. Judy, who has been pestering me for a week about working on some things for her, has canceled our morning teleconference, because her son got drunk and passed out at OU. Uh, hello? He's 21? Why is this a parental crisis?

So, she's rushed off to Norman to "pick him up" and bring him home to Corpus. THAT will work out for her. However, this means that she is deferring out conversation (and of course paying me) until whenever it's convenient for her. Again.

I'm so tired of this life.

Jarred confirmed that he's meeting me for lunch this afternoon, and I'm about to shower to go meet a client and pick up a check from him. I have to fill out some forms for clients and get those in the mail this afternoon, then a meeting with a photographer who wants some business consulting guidance. After that, we have the church's Christmas party, and I'm invited to go meet Zelko for his 30th birthday. I don't even know what these clubs ARE that he's going to. I dunno.

Have to figure out how I'm going to dress for today. It's sort of warm-ish and humid, which is kind of disgusting. Not hot enough for the a/c to run, but too warm to be comfortable without it.

Okay, have to finish getting ready to head out.

Interesting day so far. Got the guest room all tidied up, got the dusting done (mostly) and got all the filing done. Have a short stack of things to accomplish in the morning, and got most of those done. The house is in really good shape now.

Nicole and Nancy came over around 12:45, and we hung out until just after 4:00. While they were here, Mike Z called, and invited me to his birthday party on Friday night. I asked him to come over on Tuesday night for an individualized birthday celebration .. more on that later.

Joe went out last night to EJ's, and (after a few hundred cocktails) asked Jarred out to lunch on Friday to see what he would say - and Jarred told them he had plans with me! That made me feel better.

So, tomorrow morning, finish off the stack of paper on my holder here, and then I'm almost all caught up. I have to write a lease and a management agreement (and I have to figure out where I put the paperwork for that) as the client is probably coming or calling tomorrow to pick it all up. I have asked for a few other checks this week - and people are being silent. I wonder if it's this Mercury retrograde thing I keep hearing about. Bleh. More pushing tomorrow, I guess.

Time to empty the animals. It's cold outside!

Well. Dogs are clipped, bathed, toenails clipped (one a little too much) and Barney is wearing a whole bottle of Gold Bond medicated lotion. He hasn't been scratching in nearly four hours, which is amazing.

Then, Joe (who came over to help me with the dogs) started nagging at me about Joel .. blah, blah, so I put up the Christmas tree, which led to dusting the piano, which led to dusting the living room, which led to dusting the curio case, and to Joe asking me if he made me nervous. Then, he asked me why I wasn't trying to work at MD Anderson, and he tried to find me a job over there.

Then, he left, I cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom and folded laundry. Now, I'm just tired.

Tomorrow, I have four little documents to get filled out and mailed, the filing (which I didn't do today) and .. is that it? I think so. Nancy and Nicole are coming for lunch at 12:45.

I got a DVD in the mail today that I want to watch with Nicole tomorrow afternoon - with Kathy Bates and Rupert Everett.

Okay, I have to think of something to do here.

Wow - last night's class was better than I had expected, I guess. I got up this morning thinking about what all I had to get done, and made up a list for the week. Almost done with EVERYTHING on the list for today. Joe is coming at 5:00 to help me bathe and groom the dogs, and I'll clean the bathroom AFTER that. Just filing and put away to do, and then two forms to fill out and mail off.

Wow.

The weather is SO beautiful.

I'm feeling all righteous about getting all this stuff moved forward.

Called 10percent about shipping my order - good thing I did, otherwise, who would know?

And, I still don't know if I'm going to decorate for Christmas.

Not a word out of Joel today. I guess he's focusing on something else (*cough*meth*cough*) That's a good thing.

Okay, back to work? Or a nap .. there's the question.

Should I decorate for Christmas or not?

So far today has been nice and quiet. I have to get some laundry started here, and do some house cleaning. Have all the windows, which is nice - changing out the air in here. And do my homework for tonight's class.

But, the question remains - should I decorate for Christmas or not?

Got some advertising placements going - have to create how I want them to look today at lunch.

Have a lunch date with Jarred on Friday! Oh my!!

Okay, have to slip into the shower and get ready to meet Lance.

Crystal
Also known as: Crystal Meth, Methamphetamine, Tina
Pronunciation: meth-am-fet-ahmeen


"The first time a friend gave me some crystal I thought it would be just like coke. Two days later, when I still couldn't sleep, and had had so much sex that I couldn't walk straight, it was obvious that it's a whole different thing. I find that crystal makes most people feel invincible and gives them tons of energy. It also makes you really horny and heightens sexual sensations, so it's a great 'sex drug' if you don't mind being objectified or objectifying your sex partner(s). The term "Dick Fever" comes to mind. The down side is that, like most things, you don't get nothing for free. A big Saturday night with Miss Tina (crystal) is usually followed by what is affectionately known as "Suicide Tuesday." It's also the most addictive thing I've ever run across, and I've had a few friends really fuck up their lives because of it. So I treat it with respect -- actually, with fear."



Intro
Crystal methamphetamine has been around since the 1970s, but its use among gay men did not become widespread until the early 1990s. It has since made alarming headway. According to a recent report published by the National Institutes of Health, crystal methamphetamine is now the dominant gay drug problem in Honolulu, San Diego, San Francisco, Phoenix, Seattle, Tucson and Los Angeles.

Crystal in powder form is most commonly snorted in small doses (or bumps). Some say the drug heightens arousal and increases sexual stamina by delaying orgasm, but impotence is just as common a side-effect. Crystal produces what people describe as a giddy and euphoric wakefulness that can last several hours. Maintaining that high requires frequent re-dosing, more bumps, lines or tokes and makes crystal's potential for abuse -- even among new users -- very high.

What is it really?
Methamphetamines are closely related chemically to amphetamines, but their impact on your central nervous system is more acute. Methamphetamines bear a close resemblance to two powerful chemicals in your body, dopamine and norepinephrine. These drugs affect several areas of the brain, including the nucleus accumbens, which regulates mood; the prefrontal cortex, which plays a critical role in functional memory; and the striatum, an area of your brain involved in movement.

How is it used?
Methamphetamine can be swallowed in pill form, snorted as a powder, injected into your bloodstream, or smoked. Methamphetamine is neurotoxic. If you ingest it, the rush you experience comes from the forced release of serotonin and dopamine in your brain. Use of methamphetamine damages these cells by shriveling their nerve endings.

Some report that they feel "normal" even "superhuman" after losing a night or two of sleep because of the drug; people also report a feeling of being sharp or in control, feeling confident you can pass at work, for example, or fool family members. But this confidence is misplaced, certainly artificial and, of course, temporary. Wanting to prolong the high and delay the inevitable crash another hour, another evening or another day -- is emblematic of the drug's addictive character.

Depriving your body of sleep exacerbates the chemical impact of the drug on your brain. You become irritable, anxious, afraid, confused, aggressive and you may even experience bouts of delusional paranoia. In other words, you become a pleasure to be with.

Physiological Impact
Methamphetamine carries a high potential for abuse and dependence and the health consequences associated with prolonged use are serious. Regular use of methamphetamine has been shown to cause permanent damage to the brain by destroying nerve cells that produce dopamine. A similar destruction of dopamine producing cells is associated with the progressive and debilitating neurological condition known as Parkinson's disease.

More immediate methamphetamine dangers include a sharp spike in blood pressure, dangerously irregular heartbeats, chest pain, shortness of breath, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. The drug can increase body temperature to critical levels provoking cascading failures in vital systems. Brain hemorrhage is perhaps the biggest risk associated with use and abuse of the drug, which if not fatal, can cause permanent paralysis and speech loss.

Methamphetamine can cause brain damage that results in slower motor and cognitive functioning -- even in users who take the drug for less than a year, according to two studies by researchers at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory. The studies, published in the March 2001 issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry, found that meth use depletes the brain of dopamine transporters, which allow dopamine -- a brain chemical that affects feelings of satisfaction and pleasure -- to be absorbed back into the nerve cells that produce it. The depletion of these transporters may make meth users more susceptible to Parkinson's Disease, a brain disorder associated with dopamine deficiency and characterized by shaking and difficulty with walking, movement, and coordination.

You may think that recreational or occasional use can be handled and, perhaps in your case it can, but realize that no one who is physically addicted to or dependent on methamphetamine set out to get hooked.

Given the drug's powerful (some would say frenzied) impact on the sex drives of male users, Crystal meth is one of the most dangerous drugs in terms of protecting yourself and your partner from the transmission of STDs, including HIV.


by Christopher Barillas

A letter to Joel -

I don't have anywhere near enough time to write what I really want to say here.

You have been with me from November 10 to December 10, when I had the locks changed. During that time, you have actually been at my apartment for about sixteen days - you were gone from December 2 to December 5, and then again from December 7 through December 10. Before that, you were gone from the 18th of November to the 22nd of November. From November 10 to November 14, you were too sick to do very much. From December 5 to December 7, you were also too sick to do anything.

During those few days that you were here, I did everything I could to be kind to you, to help you, to nurse you and encourage you. I know that you appreciated my help, and you enjoyed my friendship - we have something terrific between us in the way of a relationship.

However, you, Joel, intentionally went out to create another situation where someone who cared for you would reject you. There is no other way to look at it. Your illnesses since I've known you have been created by meth use. You brought people I didn't know into my home when I wasn't here, fed them, had sex with them, whatever .. when I had expressed to you from the beginning that my hospitality was for you, and not for you and your "friends." You have never acknowledged this breach of trust, nor have you sought to end it. I asked you to never bring drugs into my home, and you have done them in my apartment when I wasn't here.

It's very clear that, right now, the only thing that matters in your life is getting meth and getting laid. I think it's probably been that way for some time. You lied to me about your meth addiction when we first met, and you've lied to me about it since you've been living with me. That's why I asked why you should bother with counseling if you weren't going to be truthful about what the REAL problem is - your total lack of self-esteem exacerbated by your meth addiction.

I would love to have you living with me, Joel. I truly enjoy your company. However, I cannot lie awake at night wondering if I've made a horrible mistake by giving you a key to my apartment. I cannot be afraid that, every time I leave my apartment, I'll come home to something missing. And, I refuse to be used as a hostel by someone for whom I am enabling a full-time drug habit.

I don't know if you can ever kick your problem, Joel. Right now, I don't think you have the balls to face up to it, nor the physical strength to deal with it. I've had family members who have bounced back from drug addictions and are living productive, successful lives. Are they happy? As much as anyone else can be, so, no, not completely. There are other family members who have died from their addictions, or who still run drama in everyone's life - dominating their environment with their addiction.

Meth is going to kill you, Joel. It's going to kill you in a matter of months. It's far more sure than the HIV, and since the only treatment for meth is to stop using it, stop engaging in the life style that promotes it, and focusing on positive health behavior, everything in your life is organized to kill yourself.

Have you any idea how different you look from your pictures taken just two years ago? Do you know that you look like an AIDS victim in the wasting stage? That your butt is completely gone? That your skin looks like you're suffering from systemic failure?

I have had dozens of friends die of AIDS in my lifetime. I've been there while their bodies shut down, and the doctors could do nothing. Your body is responding in that very way now.

You say that you don't have a problem with the meth, that you only use it "sometimes." Joel, you only use it when you're strong enough to walk. Then, you use it until you're so sick that you can't move and require the care of someone else. As soon as you're strong enough again, you start using it again until you get sick.

That is more than just an addiction.

You may think that no one will care when you die. You have convinced yourself that everyone in your life has rejected you because they are judgmental and shallow. That is a mistake on your part. The truth is that there are people in your life who love you so very much that your death is going to rip their hearts out. They love you so much that they can't bear to live a life in which you rip yourself apart and kill yourself slowly, all the while blaming them for what's happening. They have distanced themselves from you because they can't possibly hurt themselves that badly by watching this process work its way to the inevitable.

The people in your life who have pushed you away have done it to prevent your insanity from taking them along with you. They are grieving your loss right now, today.

I know I am.

I told you several weeks ago that, if you went back to meth, I would take it as a personal rejection - that you valued the meth more than you did my love and support and desire to help you. You sat there on the sofa and swore to me that you wouldn't do it. I knew then that you were lying, and that the situation would come to this. I just didn't know it would happen that quickly.

I will never forget you. You were in my life only two months, and I will never, ever forget how wonderful you are. If prayers are answers, somehow, you'll come back, free of this.

Ultimately, when it kills you, you will finally be free of it.

Read about crystal meth here