A letter to Joel -

I don't have anywhere near enough time to write what I really want to say here.

You have been with me from November 10 to December 10, when I had the locks changed. During that time, you have actually been at my apartment for about sixteen days - you were gone from December 2 to December 5, and then again from December 7 through December 10. Before that, you were gone from the 18th of November to the 22nd of November. From November 10 to November 14, you were too sick to do very much. From December 5 to December 7, you were also too sick to do anything.

During those few days that you were here, I did everything I could to be kind to you, to help you, to nurse you and encourage you. I know that you appreciated my help, and you enjoyed my friendship - we have something terrific between us in the way of a relationship.

However, you, Joel, intentionally went out to create another situation where someone who cared for you would reject you. There is no other way to look at it. Your illnesses since I've known you have been created by meth use. You brought people I didn't know into my home when I wasn't here, fed them, had sex with them, whatever .. when I had expressed to you from the beginning that my hospitality was for you, and not for you and your "friends." You have never acknowledged this breach of trust, nor have you sought to end it. I asked you to never bring drugs into my home, and you have done them in my apartment when I wasn't here.

It's very clear that, right now, the only thing that matters in your life is getting meth and getting laid. I think it's probably been that way for some time. You lied to me about your meth addiction when we first met, and you've lied to me about it since you've been living with me. That's why I asked why you should bother with counseling if you weren't going to be truthful about what the REAL problem is - your total lack of self-esteem exacerbated by your meth addiction.

I would love to have you living with me, Joel. I truly enjoy your company. However, I cannot lie awake at night wondering if I've made a horrible mistake by giving you a key to my apartment. I cannot be afraid that, every time I leave my apartment, I'll come home to something missing. And, I refuse to be used as a hostel by someone for whom I am enabling a full-time drug habit.

I don't know if you can ever kick your problem, Joel. Right now, I don't think you have the balls to face up to it, nor the physical strength to deal with it. I've had family members who have bounced back from drug addictions and are living productive, successful lives. Are they happy? As much as anyone else can be, so, no, not completely. There are other family members who have died from their addictions, or who still run drama in everyone's life - dominating their environment with their addiction.

Meth is going to kill you, Joel. It's going to kill you in a matter of months. It's far more sure than the HIV, and since the only treatment for meth is to stop using it, stop engaging in the life style that promotes it, and focusing on positive health behavior, everything in your life is organized to kill yourself.

Have you any idea how different you look from your pictures taken just two years ago? Do you know that you look like an AIDS victim in the wasting stage? That your butt is completely gone? That your skin looks like you're suffering from systemic failure?

I have had dozens of friends die of AIDS in my lifetime. I've been there while their bodies shut down, and the doctors could do nothing. Your body is responding in that very way now.

You say that you don't have a problem with the meth, that you only use it "sometimes." Joel, you only use it when you're strong enough to walk. Then, you use it until you're so sick that you can't move and require the care of someone else. As soon as you're strong enough again, you start using it again until you get sick.

That is more than just an addiction.

You may think that no one will care when you die. You have convinced yourself that everyone in your life has rejected you because they are judgmental and shallow. That is a mistake on your part. The truth is that there are people in your life who love you so very much that your death is going to rip their hearts out. They love you so much that they can't bear to live a life in which you rip yourself apart and kill yourself slowly, all the while blaming them for what's happening. They have distanced themselves from you because they can't possibly hurt themselves that badly by watching this process work its way to the inevitable.

The people in your life who have pushed you away have done it to prevent your insanity from taking them along with you. They are grieving your loss right now, today.

I know I am.

I told you several weeks ago that, if you went back to meth, I would take it as a personal rejection - that you valued the meth more than you did my love and support and desire to help you. You sat there on the sofa and swore to me that you wouldn't do it. I knew then that you were lying, and that the situation would come to this. I just didn't know it would happen that quickly.

I will never forget you. You were in my life only two months, and I will never, ever forget how wonderful you are. If prayers are answers, somehow, you'll come back, free of this.

Ultimately, when it kills you, you will finally be free of it.

Read about crystal meth here