In fewer than 24 hours, I'll be in Dallas, awaiting the start of the Psych-K conference. I'm very clear what I'm taking up there to be revealed and unraveled; I just hope that the discussion and environment is adequate to the task. I'm going to focus tonight on what it is that I intend to accomplish while there, and how much of it hinges on how I see myself, how I treat myself, and how I invite others to treat me.
There are several major groups of how this all relates:
Being ditched by my family at the age of five when we moved (which was my interpretation at the time based on what happened; I wasn't actually abandoned)
Being thrown out of the family from 1988 to 2004
Being thrown out of Landmark Education in 1997
Being thrown out of the Country Playhouse in 2002
Being thrown out of UCRS two weeks ago
And
Falling for str8, especially married men over and over
Only having an interest in unavailable men
Having a succession of broken boys that I have hosted in my home since 1982
And
Since law school, only working in industries in which I can end up earning nothing when a file or matter falls apart through no direct fault of my own
Only working on projects that, although well thought out and conceived, don't make any money or are ill-timed
And
Never taking care of myself, physically or .. well, physically, since I left law school
All of this circles back around to my fundamental complaint I raised in my first practitioner session back in 1997 - "nothing works out for me."
"Nothing works out for me," as in "it falls apart through circumstances out of my control."
I know that I have to focus on other things, other enthusiasms, other elements of life to accomplish what I think is the only acceptable level of performance for myself. The change may end up being only subtle, or it may end up being huge. I can't say.
The path that I have walked since 1982 doesn't work anymore. It doesn't even work for a few days or weeks now. The time is neigh to have it all be different, and that starts with my definition of self.
I was only called on to express that definition of self a few weeks ago in a conversation I had with JPO. It was horrible; I couldn't lie to him and tell him some answer that was false. I had to say what I really thought, and it was .. awful. I tried, even, to run away and not answer.
That's what has to be addressed and changed. I hope that I can manage it., or this will end up being a wasted life.
DJHJD
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Phaeton Phrenzy
So, last night I spent a few quality hours phiddling with the German Phaeton website, and looking at pictures of the 08 mildly re-styled Phaeton from the Geneva auto show. Holy crap! Now, I want to move to Berlin and live there so I can drive one of these Phaetons all the time.
The 2008 Phaeton. It's HOT. And it's not available here.
First, there's this amazing piano black wood trim that one can order in Germany (and other, more advanced countries) that's the same thing one can get in a Bentley Continental (which, if you recall, is the same car, built in the same factory as the Phaeton.)
They've also added a dash more dashing chrome trim...
The taillights are just a bit more dramatic - designed to look deeper and richer, although the shape hasn't changed. Yes, I'm a Phaeton Phreak, I can tell the difference..
The headlights are more Star Trekky with double projector beam bi-xenon lamps and the turn signal incorporated into the inboard projector housing, which is different from the long strip that used to run along the bottom of the headlight structure..
More of the chrome increase, a view of the amazing, $4,000 "piano black" paint job and new wheels that are VERY COOL...
This year, a DVD navigation system (which, from the screen prints still isn't quite as zippy as more updated systems, but at least everything's on a single disc with faster data access.
Anyway, I "configured" a German 08 Phaeton last night - 146,000 Euros. Now, let's do some math. A Euro is $1.35. $197,600. The same price as a Bentley Continental GT (for the same car, frankly.)
They sold for about 60% of that here, and still didn't have any takers. No wonder they pulled out of the market.
Speaking of REALLY expensive, the Andersen window people were here last night giving me an estimate - $8600 for six windows. Yurg. "We finance."
The 2008 Phaeton. It's HOT. And it's not available here.
First, there's this amazing piano black wood trim that one can order in Germany (and other, more advanced countries) that's the same thing one can get in a Bentley Continental (which, if you recall, is the same car, built in the same factory as the Phaeton.)
They've also added a dash more dashing chrome trim...
The taillights are just a bit more dramatic - designed to look deeper and richer, although the shape hasn't changed. Yes, I'm a Phaeton Phreak, I can tell the difference..
The headlights are more Star Trekky with double projector beam bi-xenon lamps and the turn signal incorporated into the inboard projector housing, which is different from the long strip that used to run along the bottom of the headlight structure..
More of the chrome increase, a view of the amazing, $4,000 "piano black" paint job and new wheels that are VERY COOL...
This year, a DVD navigation system (which, from the screen prints still isn't quite as zippy as more updated systems, but at least everything's on a single disc with faster data access.
Anyway, I "configured" a German 08 Phaeton last night - 146,000 Euros. Now, let's do some math. A Euro is $1.35. $197,600. The same price as a Bentley Continental GT (for the same car, frankly.)
They sold for about 60% of that here, and still didn't have any takers. No wonder they pulled out of the market.
Speaking of REALLY expensive, the Andersen window people were here last night giving me an estimate - $8600 for six windows. Yurg. "We finance."
Sunday, April 15, 2007
What's with this freezing cold crap?
Fortunately, the big piece of loose tin on the roof stopped banging, or I was so tired that it just didn't matter. I slept anyway.
I love my room now that the giant, upended black sofa is gone from it. It looks smaller now (the room,) which is curious given that an 82" black monster is no longer occupying one whole corner. I've been thinking that I wanted to have a red club chair in that corner, but now I think instead I'd put in a tv stand that was very .. unusual or something. And put a TV on it.
Last night, Ann was suggesting a jewel toned teal color for the bedroom, which is interesting. I love the idea of the purple I had in my apartment bedroom, but .. teal in a similar shade may be a good compromise and provide a good color for the art on the walls.
Much discussion over what to do with the patio - which most people called a courtyard, probably because it's fully enclosed and not open to any walk up. The two schools of thought are to leave it a courtyard open to the sky or to build a weather proof roof over the courtyard and make it into a solarium - skylights, ceiling fans, and still with plants, outdoorsy furniture, etc. A place where people could sit and socialize without the home theater, whether it be raining or whatnot.
The question was repeatedly asked "would you go outside?" Uh, no. It's hotter than anything in the summer? Solarium it is. I think it's cheaper to build, anyway. And, it would reduce the solar heat transfer into the family room. Uh, Chad? Bring your tools.
Now I have to get it designed and paid for.
Last night while surfing around (and thinking about Secret Agent Man,) I discovered his position on a HPD org chart. I was absolutely right that he's in law enforcement. And, an executive therein. Amazing.
I've been having people tell me of late that I look like I'm losing weight again. That makes me happy. I haven't been focusing on it like I was over at the big house, but .. yurg. Without someone's social support, it's just not something I seem to be able to do on my own. There's always something that needs dusting, reading, calculating, or preparation which takes me away from any faint commitment that I have for physical exercise.
The sun has finally caught up with the daylight savings time. Thank God. It's so hard to get up and be motivated when it's still dark as pitch outside. Plus, the snails are still everywhere when it's still twilight.
And I hate stepping on snails. I feel guilty about snuffing their lives out, and feel inattentive.
As I was driving home from the office yesterday, I heard a creaking sound from the front end of my car. 28,000 miles and creaking? Are you kidding me? I hit eBay last night shopping for a lightly used STS-V. Since it's one of the only cars that I'd like and Brian approves of, it seems a good choice. I like the sharkskin color with red and black interior. Looks unusual enough to suit me.
Before everyone came over yesterday (and before I realized that I had sold the big sofa) I broke down most of the boxes in the garage expecting that the sofa would have to go in there. The garbage cans are FULL, but having more order in the garage is a nice thing. I am thinking about just slinging the two remaining boxes out with the trash in the morning and seeing if they pick them up. Then, I'd only have the boxes in which the rest of the garage stuff is packed, the grill, which remains uncertain as to its usefulness, and .. not much else in there.
I just have to get on top of listing all of this stuff on eBay and selling it off. Not only is it annoying having the closet full to the brim, but I need the cash.
People were making fun yesterday that I was going to need room for more tschtokes - and I said "uh, no. I'm done with accumulating worthless visual objects." They didn't believe me. We'll just see. I'm gearing up for another big unloading of crap (meaning, useless visual objects that are antagonizing me due to their need for constant dusting and otherwise lack of function.)
Speaking of useless crap, I'm over it with ick. More unreliable than an early 70's Chrysler, full of drama, I'm just not again initiating communication there.
I need to eat my oatmeal and hit the shower. Have to leave for church in an hour. Board meeting after church, and then I have to hit the grocery store, the gas station (which is again feeling more and more like a cocaine habit) and come home to hang up a bunch of pictures and get ready for company.
I love my room now that the giant, upended black sofa is gone from it. It looks smaller now (the room,) which is curious given that an 82" black monster is no longer occupying one whole corner. I've been thinking that I wanted to have a red club chair in that corner, but now I think instead I'd put in a tv stand that was very .. unusual or something. And put a TV on it.
Last night, Ann was suggesting a jewel toned teal color for the bedroom, which is interesting. I love the idea of the purple I had in my apartment bedroom, but .. teal in a similar shade may be a good compromise and provide a good color for the art on the walls.
Much discussion over what to do with the patio - which most people called a courtyard, probably because it's fully enclosed and not open to any walk up. The two schools of thought are to leave it a courtyard open to the sky or to build a weather proof roof over the courtyard and make it into a solarium - skylights, ceiling fans, and still with plants, outdoorsy furniture, etc. A place where people could sit and socialize without the home theater, whether it be raining or whatnot.
The question was repeatedly asked "would you go outside?" Uh, no. It's hotter than anything in the summer? Solarium it is. I think it's cheaper to build, anyway. And, it would reduce the solar heat transfer into the family room. Uh, Chad? Bring your tools.
Now I have to get it designed and paid for.
Last night while surfing around (and thinking about Secret Agent Man,) I discovered his position on a HPD org chart. I was absolutely right that he's in law enforcement. And, an executive therein. Amazing.
I've been having people tell me of late that I look like I'm losing weight again. That makes me happy. I haven't been focusing on it like I was over at the big house, but .. yurg. Without someone's social support, it's just not something I seem to be able to do on my own. There's always something that needs dusting, reading, calculating, or preparation which takes me away from any faint commitment that I have for physical exercise.
The sun has finally caught up with the daylight savings time. Thank God. It's so hard to get up and be motivated when it's still dark as pitch outside. Plus, the snails are still everywhere when it's still twilight.
And I hate stepping on snails. I feel guilty about snuffing their lives out, and feel inattentive.
As I was driving home from the office yesterday, I heard a creaking sound from the front end of my car. 28,000 miles and creaking? Are you kidding me? I hit eBay last night shopping for a lightly used STS-V. Since it's one of the only cars that I'd like and Brian approves of, it seems a good choice. I like the sharkskin color with red and black interior. Looks unusual enough to suit me.
Before everyone came over yesterday (and before I realized that I had sold the big sofa) I broke down most of the boxes in the garage expecting that the sofa would have to go in there. The garbage cans are FULL, but having more order in the garage is a nice thing. I am thinking about just slinging the two remaining boxes out with the trash in the morning and seeing if they pick them up. Then, I'd only have the boxes in which the rest of the garage stuff is packed, the grill, which remains uncertain as to its usefulness, and .. not much else in there.
I just have to get on top of listing all of this stuff on eBay and selling it off. Not only is it annoying having the closet full to the brim, but I need the cash.
People were making fun yesterday that I was going to need room for more tschtokes - and I said "uh, no. I'm done with accumulating worthless visual objects." They didn't believe me. We'll just see. I'm gearing up for another big unloading of crap (meaning, useless visual objects that are antagonizing me due to their need for constant dusting and otherwise lack of function.)
Speaking of useless crap, I'm over it with ick. More unreliable than an early 70's Chrysler, full of drama, I'm just not again initiating communication there.
I need to eat my oatmeal and hit the shower. Have to leave for church in an hour. Board meeting after church, and then I have to hit the grocery store, the gas station (which is again feeling more and more like a cocaine habit) and come home to hang up a bunch of pictures and get ready for company.
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