The murky mirror

Well, today's marathon church session went well; my "lesson" that I gave went very well. Got home around 4:30, finally. A LONG day. Not that my mood really improved any - what we worked on in the class didn't help, it just sort of focused my irritation.

I have no earthly idea what the foundation of this mood is; I know what the external symptoms are, but I haven't been able to connect them up with other behaviors and patterns that would clue me in as to what this is linked to. I'll literally have to spend this week focusing on this.

I also have to focus on everything else. I have Fabulair work to get done this week, want to work with Ryan on the new mortgage product that he and I cooked up, have tax returns to do, have to clean up the wreckage that is my apartment. Lilly Roddy said in my March horoscope that I should focus on bringing order into my environment. Since I've been getting things organized that have never been done in the seven years I've lived here, that's something to consider.

Oh, and I haven't even looked at my homework for tomorrow night yet. Yeah, that needs doing also. And, I need to bake more bread tomorrow. And do laundry.

Joey came by to retrieve some money for the little handyman tasks he's done for me; while I am grateful for the accomplishments, it has taken too much conversation and too much time for the three hours worth of work. He and T keep promising that they're going to work on Ruby's wiring harness, but not only do they days keep getting put off, the time promises never seem to materialize. So, I think it's time to find a reputable shop to re-wire the stereo and put in the OnStar before they stop supporting analog OnStar systems.

Part of what I'm stuck on, and part of why it's got Fabulair dead stuck too, is that I have a hard time seeing myself this accepted by the gay community. By gay men, specifically. That's a tie-in with the whole being stood up/rejected thing that I have encountered since about 1984. When I try to look into this, I get no inner monologue, and just want to go unconscious. What gives?

Anyway, I have a headache, have two days' worth of work to get done tomorrow, and need some sleep. I'm going to cogitate on this some more and see what comes in the morrow.