Well, it's over. No more screed. The conservatives have total control of the organs of government, and except for rare procedural blocks, the moderates can do nothing to prevent any action on the part of the government. They have at least four years to eliminate government, "stimulate" the economy by cutting taxes and regulation, continue to eliminate union representation, reduce civil rights to increase the effectiveness of courts and police, reduce public education funding, shift more government functions to the private sector, and increase the deficit to fund military ventures.

They have their wide-open crack at Social Security, and at abortion. They have their "wins" in same-sex marriage.

They have their wide open shot at drilling in national park lands. Eliminating pollution controls. Reversing 75 years of law considered carefully by hundreds of men (and women) who made decisions based on problems that were then facing society. Eliminating programs that care for people who cannot take care of themselves. They're almost done with this work, and now, it only remains to finish the job.

Pursue imperial expansion into Syria - we know they're next on the list. Continue to use selective judgment on foreign policy matters.

Withdraw from the United Nations - in fact, kick them out of New York and make them establish themselves on friendlier soil. Withdraw from more treaties that limit our freedom to act.

Do everything you think will make life better and the economy more productive. Have at it, already. Don't ask questions, you've been given the mandate from the American people. Appoint the judges you wish to see on the bench.

In four years, no excuses about what you weren't able to accomplish, or why it didn't work. It's all about your performance now. Best wishes. At the end of the four years, if this doesn't work, I want to hear from you about what DIFFERENT you will do to MAKE it work. No more excuses.

Rainy Monday morning. Already started on getting things DONE around here. Had a GREAT day yesterday, but got no substantive work accomplished. Drinking coffee, then have to start making some headway.

Still can't get my printer to recognize the lower paper tray. PLEH. I finally just disabled the lower paper tray so I can print anything else.

Hopefully, this will be a good day to get things accomplished. I have to start with my homework for tonight.

Ugh. Cold coffee. Warm oatmeal, though. I love the rain.

Laundry is in, now it's time to clean up and start on all of this office mess.

Happy Halloween!

I moved the computer and printer around yesterday, and now the printer won't print. It says that I need to "check casette #2" - uh, there it is, man. What more do you want?

I guess I'll have to pull EVERYTHING apart, check all the connections, blah, blah, blah. Irritating. Oh, well. The computer is in a MUCH better spot now than it was. So is the printer.

Didn't go to church today. They're racing back to the past to do what didn't work before, and I just don't want to play. So, today, I'll clean house, do homework, work on stuff .. I guess.

Should I leave the Halloween stuff out until tomorrow? I guess that makes sense.

Well, I'm on my second mug of coffee. I quit the church in Clear Lake last night, in the middle of a four hour panic attack last night. Was up until 5:00. Very fun.

I wrote a post this morning, but .. my session had expired, and everything I had typed was lost. I love that.

Last night (about 4:00 a.m.) I was thinking about dropping my cell number, changing my email address. I may yet. I don't know.

Talked to Matt in Orlando this morning a while - he sent me a picture of his fabulous Halloween costume - I looked into using miles to fly out there today, but it's just too late.

Nicole has other plans tonight, so I'm without anyone to attend the theater party that I always go to. Last year, I only had her to talk to, so I'm staying home this year. Half of the party are straight friends of the host, and they can't handle a 6'4" red fairy on roller skates. The theater people are all very into their little cliques, and they don't talk to me either. So .. put on the costume, drive over there, stumble in on the roller skates, stand around without anyone to talk to for a few hours? Sounds awesome!

I have to get the Fabulair website done by Monday morning. I have it all designed, it's just getting it done.

Two nights ago, I realized that there is something else in my psyche that is unrevealed, it's running the show .. and, what to do about it?

I've been rolling this around, and all I've come up with so far is:

* This precedes my childhood memory of being left in the front yard - moving van gone, etc.
* It's the foundation for my two word sentence about myself "Not wanted"
* My whole world has been created around that core belief, job, relationships, friendships, career track, credit, family - it's extremely powerful
* My activity is to withdraw - to pull myself out of the sandbox when I get confronted with "not wanted" and TO NOT TRY AT ALL
* Just knowing that I'm acting out of it isn't helpful
* I have a dichotomy of having created this huge circle of people who are crazy about me (anti-not-wanted) with things that are not-wanted and threaten my safety (money, romantic relationships, work)
* Just knowing that hasn't helped

I meditated a LONG time about this today. I have no specific memory of "what happened" - just weird things, lots of crib and bassinet imagery. My older half-brother and some cousins. Flies (what's THAT about?) A bassinet that had a bomb bay door (under me.) Nothing else.

I'm going to make dinner and see what else I can cook up.

Susan checks in - she's my coach.

I want to scream out… DON”T DO IT!!! I get the whole thing about needing to get something rolling, but on the other hand, I also feel that it drains energy and all that is good from your very soul. Then what will you have left over to get your deal going??? Now, if it were just show up, do some work, get paid, then, that could actually support your future. Because, as near as I can tell, nothing else will be your future anyway!

Love ya!

Me

So, I had my meeting today. It went quite well; they offered me a job. It's straight commission - which I've been on since 1937.
Also, contract, no benefits. Ditto. Smokers. The whole office.

On the other hand, they have a TON of work. Right away, they have about 150 files for me to go through, trying to find those that can be salvaged. Then, I have to sell the clients on fee-paid services, and then a loan. They do a ton of advertising. And, they have a home builder account that they want to turn over to me.

IF it all works out; IF the files pan out the way that they suggest, IF .. I could do fairly well. Still, no future, no equity, no promotion, no ..

No start-up fee to get the contract rolling. I kill it, I get 40%.

I did NOT want to go back to lending. I definately did not want to go back to a straight commission, no future environment.

However, all of my other "feelers" seem to be heading in the same ultimate direction. Spec work, no present fees for work produced, no guarantees of EVER making any money. If money does come together, it's in late 2005.

Um .. hello? I have to eat? Keep a roof over the dogs' heads?

What I want to do is make MY deal work. If I'm going to be eating what I kill, I'd rather have a larger percentage of it and control.

However. I have obligations and I have to generate money to get my deal rolling.

So, dear reader, I am stuck like glue. Yeah, they'll pay me at this mortgage company. While they ride me like the nickel pony ride on advice on all their legal screw ups and misperceptions about how the world REALLY works. I can see that coming as sure as Christmas.

Or, I can go on trying to do spec business development work with NO business flow, and everyone wanting my work product if they can pay me IF/WHEN the money comes in.

And I've made no decision. I just can't. I'm tired, but not resigned.

I really like this condo that's going up a few blocks from here. Basically the same kind of floorplan I have now, but about 50% bigger. They're nutty about the price, though. 

This married man should have a warning tattoo on his forehead. If you see him, stay away. 

I'm watching this .. wild .. movie. "The Rules of Attraction." College life flick. The amazingly handsome campus drug dealer has it bad for this beautiful young woman who wants to commit herself to him, but they've never had so much as a decent conversation. Someone is leaving him love notes in his mailbox, and he's convinced it's her. Her room mate is trying to convince her that he's a sleaze, and then the room mate does him at a party - and she walks in on them. However, the letter writer is NOT the woman we think - it's this totally other woman who's in the background of the whole story, and she commits suicide when he (not even knowing that she's alive) "rejects" her at the party and runs off with the room mate. Very .. Clockwork Orange. So, now, the primary female has utterly rejected the drug dealer, who's about to hang himself with a phone cord. That's when the dogs had to go out, and I came in to start writing this tome.

Oh, and the gay guy who's in love with the drug dealer - we're waiting to find out what he's going to do.

Have I mentioned that I hate married men? I do.

Here's a note from my sweet friend Y about the married guy she's involved with.

In a message dated 10/25/2004 10:33:56 AM Central Standard Time, [me] writes:


"Men can suck."

Y writes back ..

no pun intended huh????/ :o)

My dickhead said and sent email that we were going to spend the whole weekend together for my birthday, saturday galveston & opry, sunday galleria and Victoria Secrets...... Next thing you know he's got a cart race with son in AM, I'm cool with that, then he decided that he had to take his brother somewhere and would be available around noon... cool, i call at noon and he didn't go do any of it and was at the house just watching tv. then he had the odasity to ask, "so are we going to hook up later today"...... what the fuck......I had to hang up so that I wouldn't start balling or screaming... stupid fucker

Didn't talk to him at all the whole day, stayed here by myself. Sunday didn't call him or he call me until around 5: and then again at 9:. He never answered but I knew that he got the message. Got an email from him around 9:30 stating that we would go back to the original plan and not see one another for a while because we weren't on the same emotional level...... what the fuck ever. I didn't even get a bd card and we're supposed to be PARTNERS....... ick

This is MY idea of a superman, and a superman costume! 

Chet from Tulsa - actually from Turkey, presently in Tulsa. 

I'm still tired. I've slept and slept today, but I just can't stay up late anymore and funtion the next day. When I combine staying up late with drinking .. double whammy.

I'm watching this movie "Issues 101" - it's a gay themed film, made very recently, shot with a video camera instead of a movie camera. So far, it has a stupidity factor of 9.5. I don't know if I'll make it to the end.

I think Chet is going to come down next weekend from Tulsa to visit. He's a sweetie. I'll post his picture.

Last night ..

Watched the movie "Relax, it's Just Sex." Great movie, totally disturbing for me. I completely identified with the lead character, and his experiences in dating. By the time the movie was 2/3 over, I was in a FOUL mood. I mean FOUL. So, I started taking the mood apart - what's behind it? Where did it come from?

I didn't get very far with it, but it's a much better way to react than the old way.

Anyway, I went to bed about midnight, and when I was waking up, I had this dream going on about being at the annual party that my college friend David throws (well, that happens in the dream. If he throws a huge annual party, I don't know about it) to which I had been many times. All of these people were so nice to me "oh, I'm so sorry I don't remember your name, but it's GREAT to see you .. " and it was really cool to be remembered well by all these people. The party was held in this enormous room in a hotel (I guess) that had a big patio - all these candles, hundreds of people.

I was sitting at this table with about five women of my age - and we were just making pleasantries. As different men would pass by, we'd remind each other who they were, who they were with, and so on.

As I was sitting there, this guy came up from behind me, wrapped his arms around me and said hello. He told me how glad he was that I had come all that way to the party. He stood up and walked off .. and that's when I noticed that the man, who had been a handsome, but rather unexceptional guy in the past, had transformed himself.

He was now very beefy and lean; huge shoulders and chest, his skin tanned golden brown. He was wearing golden brown leather trousers that matched his skin color, and a matching leather australian cowboy hat. He had a tatoo across his shoulders, and he was wearing a gold necklace backwards - so that it hung down between his shoulder blades. He walked over to get a drink across the room.

The women at my table were after me - "go get him, you idiot!"

Anyway, there was a LOT of drug use going on at this party. A LOT. I started having a poem come to me about methanphetamine use - and then, it (the poem) was published on the cover of a big gay magazine. I had most of the poem, and by the time I could jump out of bed, run to the computer and open a notepad screen, most of it was gone.

BLEH.

Well, last night before I went to bed, I electronically purged Joel from life .. nuked his email address from incoming messages, blocked his IM address. Three strikes and you're out, just like California.

This morning, I'm doing homework for class on Monday. Yup. I'm going to get it ALL done. I am. No, really. And I'm going to bake bread.

Had some GREAT news this morning, Intuit is going to ship me the tax software for every tax year from 1998 forward. AWESOME. That allows mt to prepare tax returns for people (since I no longer have the software) going back that far.

Okay, time to get cracking on making a dent in things.

So, it's all interesting. The Astros have lost, which I rather expected, but whatever. Joel stood me up .. episode #3. And insulted me in the process. So .. where's that sharpie?

I didn't get a THING accomplished again today .. or did I? I went to early vote - the line was HUGE. It took nearly two hours to accomplish that task. I put some things away. Talked to Rosita about the church and the Rev for at least an hour total. Talked to Susan for a half hour. Talked to Mitch .. told him that I had been hoping to pick up Scott's processing work.. that Scott wasn't calling me back and such. He says "well, I'll ask Kimberly (the owner of Roosevelt Mortgage)" So, I said " uh .. you've mentioned that several times over the last few months .. but no meetings ever take place, when you've brought me in to meet her in the office, she isn't even remotely interested in talking to me, so .. uh .. let's just get real, okay? I know you love me and want to help me and all, but .. it ain't happening."

He says "well, she's been busy, etc., etc." And I said, it's cool, Mitch. Don't worry about it, something will come together for me.

So, a few minutes after the Lastros blew it in Louis, he calls. Can I come out to her house for dinner and cocktails tomorrow night, and they'll a.) give me some work, b.) talk to me about doing credit repair on contract, and c.) commercial deals and other stuff.

Okay, sure. I'll talk to anyone, I guess.

Found a cool new condo complex going up about .. ten blocks from me called the Vistas. They have four floor plans that I like. I wrote and asked for information - as far as I know, they haven't begun preparing the site work yet, so it's at least 18 months off.

Anyway, that's today's report, I guess.

So .. that whole "Titanic" thing. Not so much. There's a discrete little link down at the bottom that says "more information." When one follows that link, it reveals that the whole story is a hoax to try to show you how easy it is to create internet hoaxes.

Bleh. But, bully for me for not buying it.

So, drama last night - then I was wired, and stayed up until FOUR .. got up at 8:00, as the dogs were crying. Now, I've cleaned the kitchen, taken out the trash, about to clean the bathroom, gotten the accounting caught up .. but, no substantive work has occured.

Just had an unexpected and blood-curdling IM from PJ - she's coming up today. For .. an unspecified period of time. No further information available. I'm waiting for the "other shoe" thing, where she tells me she wants to stay with me.

While I was all wired up and anxious last night, I was checking out this website about urban legends. snopes On that website, it asserts that a 1911 silent movie "The Poseidon Adventure" was being screened on board the Titanic AT THE TIME IT HIT THE ICEBERG.

Okay, now you may not know everything about me, and you may not know very much about me, but one thing I am is a walking compendium on the RMS Titanic. This site has a link to an internal page that purports to list the details about the 1911 silent "Poseidon Adventure" listing the exact same character names as was in the 1972 smash hit movie. The 1972 smash hit movie that was made from the 1969 best seller by Paul Gallico. Of which I have an original copy of the first paperback printing.

I think I'll write them a little missive ..

Voting early today with Guy, making bread this afternoon, will Joel follow through on his earnest promise last night that he REALLY wants to see me tonight? Who knows?

Called Scott again - no return calls for three days, which leads me to conclude that a.) he's already given the processing work to someone else, and b.) the universe is protecting me somehow.

Onward...

Another day, another day. Had my IRS audit this morning, my cell phone headset DIED a miserable death in a blaze of static, and PetSmart had doggy diapers, but not the absorbant pads that go in them.

Stopped at Kroger and bought them OUT of Diet-Rite soda (no caff, no carbs, no cals, no sugar, no ASPARTAME) came home, and used the dog stain remover/deodorizer that I bought at PetSmart on Jackie's favorite spots. Had lunch away for an hour, came back and WOW! It was true what it said on the label! The whole apartment smelled better.

So, when James called and invited me to dinner, I thought .. Hey! If just a few squirts on her two favorite spots made things that much better, what would a half-gallon do on the FOUR favorite spots?

BIG mistake. Now, it smells like a chemical plant.

Ruby has a bad oxygen sensor, and is going through gasoline like she's a Ford Expedition.

Mikey just had a boyfriend crisis .. and I have a question. The lad who blew me off both Friday night and last night emailed about 11:50 tonight with the excuse that he's been sick, and would love to see me tomorrow.

Hm. Whither goest I?

You Should Be a Martini for Halloween!

What should you be for Halloween?

Wow - well, today is day two of setting myself to be happy with myself at the end of the day, rather than trying to manifest more money or a job or a whatever the heck. Had a good business meeting this afternoon, got a LOT of stuff done work-wise, had a client in Austin who hasn't paid me for more than six weeks pay me and then ask me if I could come up to Austin for the next few weeks to work, and had an unexpected call from Citifinancial asking if I was interested in interviewing for their manager program - they're coming to Houston in a big way. That's tomorrow.

There was NO fabulair-ing today.

However, class tonight was outstanding. We worked on a number of things, all intended to uncover things about our past beliefs and decisions, and how they run us in the present. This week and last week have been very confronting, and one (me) rips from exhiliration to anger and worse. And back again. The cycles are very quick.

Anyway, tonight, we were working with a decision tree about our lives. One takes a line of one's age - and marks on it each important decision that one has made from the earliest memory of decisions to the present, and maps out how it could have gone differently, who the important people were, etc.

(I hadn't done that part of the homework .. shhh)

So, other people were sharing what they got out of the tree exercise, and I was looking at it .. and I had just been working with definitions (the homework from LAST week that was SO confronting) and I saw this wild thing about myself .. you remember the story about coming home from kindergarten on the day that we were moving, and the moving van was gone, etc. So, I made up that I wasn't wanted, and all the goodies that have gone along with that.

Interestingly enough, whether in response to that or just because, I started creating this world where I was all alone, and that was the best, safest place to be. When I was a little boy, my grandparents lived in this little northern Michigan town that had a tourist steam railroad that was about ten blocks from the family home. I used to walk over there and spend long hours walking around the rail cars, looking at the steam engines, watching the operations .. it was a perfect little reality.

So, I have a life that I have created in which I spend most of my time alone with the computer, with the home theater, with books, whatever. And, that life is in complete conflict with the life of trying to find a mate, trying to hang out with friends, gathering evidence for the story of "I'm not wanted."

The truth is, I *LOVE* being alone. I have no mate because I *LOVE* being alone. I live alone, because it suits me.

So, what's all this energy I put into trying to prove that I have to be alone because I'm not wanted? Silly. It's like .. all of a sudden, the whole idea of trying to "find someone" - why bother? Who cares? I'd rather be picking up my own socks, not someone else's!

Can I just drop all the energy that I've expended, could expend, all the emotion I've put around being stood up, betrayed, rejected .. since I didn't really want that anyway? What's going to manifest now?

I remember when I distinguished the whole thing about not attending the University of Michigan - twenty-eight years of bitterness just fell into nothingness. Is that what happens now?

More processing is required. More will be revealed.

Oh, and it seems as clear as the nose on my face that Joel is in the process of standing me up for tomorrow. And, I'm not upset.

At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not upset. I'll check in with you tomorrow as the day moves on - and we'll see if this pattern has truly fallen to dust, or if it's just hiding.

Interesting. Day #2 of merely holding out that I was going to be happy with myself when the day was done. It's such an empowering place to stand - it just doesn't have a lot of attachments like "I need a better job," or "I need more money."

It's pretty cool, and good things seem to be happening.

Okay, I started off this morning committed to ENDING the day feeling good about myself. So, I have accomplished several things:

I wrote Nate's personal statement to his law school application
I reviewed part of a business plan (potential new business)
I finished my contractor application to a grant writing agency
I started constituting myself as a consultant to contractors for the development of humans in space
I had a totally honest and productive conversation with my fellow church board members
I bought some SOS pads and SCRUBBED the wire racks for the oven - and the broiler pan
I spent most of the day away from the computer
I made dinner for myself and for Guy, and had a great conversation with him
I spent more time mentally thinking about Fabulair, and some of the content that goes into the website
I re-promised for another LSAT student whom I had offered to help with HER personal statement

So, I didn't get everything done on my list, but I certainly didn't wile away the day.

Have a very full day tomorrow, and a new business meeting at 5:30 before class tomorrow evening. It should be great!

Time to empty the mutts and get ready for sleep.

This is Joel - Joel, this is everybody.

Church today was SO cool, we had Ken, our NASA PhD engineer who designed the first digital computers for the Apollo program (!) speak to us about creating the design for human existence in space. He talked about the various challenges, about the need to get commercial enterprise involved, and so on, and how NASA is stuck in technology and doesn't know how to bridge the gap that gets commercial enterprise involved.

I, however, immediately had ideas of JUST how to do it..
which I will summarize in an email later today and send to him.

This afternoon, I have to re-write two personal statements for LSAT students, bake bread, pull together my receipts for my IRS audit on Wednesday, and .. something else. What else? I'll remember. Oh, I have to write a letter to our erstwhile minister about what direction we have decided to go .. in case she is unwilling to meet with us.

And, I have two netflix to watch. And .. is that it? I think so. However, it's naptime now. Toodles!

Joel - this is the new man that I like so much 

This morning's blood sugar = 88. AWESOME!

I'm having a hard time starting this morning. Joel said he wanted to come over for breakfast, but .. so far, he hasn't. So, I think I'm on my own there.

Today, I have to read some specs for grant funding that Judy gave me. One of them is essentially a re-write of something I've done before (two years ago) of course, the data copy is gone, so I get to re-type and format the 42 pages. BLEH.

I should also re-do my filing cabinet. I have all these old file folders that I set up for Camber (which was now three years ago) and I need to re-do those so that I can utilize them better. And, that is about my day, I think.

I have a bunch of movies and DVDs that have already sold from last week that I must get packaged up and shipped off. I also need to go through all of the floppy diskettes and the casette tapes and just start pitching stuff. It's silly hanging on to all of this stuff for all of this time. Bleh.

Okay, time for oatmeal, then some reading.

The annual party in 90 minutes. I'm about the readiest I've ever been at this point. Of course, having a bunch of people over on Wednesday night helped.

I have to vacuum, put the dogs up, and see about changing the lamp in the bar. And put on some decent clothes. I'm actually cooking dinner right now, so that I don't lose my mind later by having had nothing to eat.

Wrote a poem last night - here it is:

The Last Man

He is every perfection
Lean, strong, chisled, reticent
Exuding love and kindness
His being distracts me
and I dream of next being with him

Yet, he is the last man
The last man withholding
The last man unavailable
The last man who won't commit

He is the last man for whom I will pine unrequited and unwanted

He is the last man with whom I will initiate, pursue, and persist

You are the perfect man, Travis
And you are the last one
I will always love you
And I will forget you now

It's a big old clearance sale! I winnowed down my VHS collection, and put 55 of them on Amazon today. Next, in the demented Divo sale - the CD collection that NEVER gets listened to! I'll probably have over 250 items on Amazon within the end of the day.

Have a list of things to get done an arm long, so I'd better get to it.

Started loading up the gift bags for my friends who are coming over tomorrow for my birthday. I got matching "Tweety" hats, cocktail napkins, hooters and gift bags, and it is my intention to fill them up with meaningless trifles to amuse my closest friends, and to make them feel welcome and loved. I had in mind that I would need a LOT of stuff to fill these things up; I had been accumulating little bits of stuff for weeks, but I was expecting a trip to the dollar store today.

When I ripped open the gift bags, I found out that they were VERY small! Wow. I have little things for each person (well, for two people that I really don't know all THAT well - guests - I have meaningless trinkets) and I think I can fill up the bags without anyone feeling slighted. And without having to shop for anything more.

The damned bank charged me $60 for "NSF" fees, and I wasn't overdrawn! Bastards.

Last night in class, we talked a little about that movie "What the (*&$% do I know?"
I really want to get to see that. One woman was talking about it, and she said that they had distinguished particles from waves. She said that everything is moving around us all the time as waves; that represents possibility. When we create something in our mind, we OBSERVE the wave, and it becomes a particle - or matter.

It just hit me how wrong it is of me to think about possible financial lack, because when I create that with my mind, it freezes the possibility "lack" right there in front of me, and that's what I get.

We'll see how much of an epiphany this really is.

I dreamt of Travis Friday night, last night and this late afternoon (during nap time.) I don't recall ever dreaming about someone THIS much.

I applied for a job at UH-Main tonight (what an UNFRIENDLY system. Bleh.) Didn't get any cleaning done. It's time for bed, and I still have to study for tomorrow night. I want to clean the apartment AND the car tomorrow.

Don't have any work tomorrow (or this week) except for Fabulair.

Well, it's Friday night. I finally got all of this client's records boxed up (he called, asked if I could stop by, I had two hours to get it done, ergo, it's done.) This weekend is ALL about cleaning the apartment. Sanitizing it. Cobwebs. Mirrors. Furniture all moved about. Everything out of shelves. Everything out of the drawers. That sort of cleaning.

Plus, I need to do the same kind of cleaning for the car. It's just not up to my standards.

Travis came over tonight, we had a very nice time for a few hours. He said something about something I had said at dinner MONTHS ago, which apparently had him thinking I wasn't interested in "that" way. At some point in the evening, SOMETHING happened in his brain, and he shut down like pouring cold water all over him.

I've invited him to the big Divo party, but I don't know if he's going to show up..

So, here I was, just checking email (you know I'm an email hooker, so I'm not fooling anyone, I just was sitting here) and an IM comes in from some guy that I've never heard of. He says this:

Thank you sooo much for your inspiring letter. I am a 64 year old gay male. I was married for 39 years, and raised four children. No one knew I was gay but myself, and I hid it for almost 40 years. My wife died of cancer in 1999, and immediately after her death, I told my children about my sexuality. I am a happy individual now, with a wonderful man. I am out and no longer hide who I am. I wish you only good in your life, and God will take care of the little people who do not or care not to understand. Thank you again.

This is the letter that he was talking about:


Letter from Mom

I'm sort of floored.

Okay, finally printing the church newsletters. I never got the schedule on what we're doing on three of the five Sundays in October, so I can't print anything but "TBA." Oh, well. After I print 33 of these puppies (in color, will I have enough ink?) I have to flip them over and try to manipulate stamps.com on the other side. Of course, this stupid thing is NOT printing in color. Bastard. I hate this fucking printer.

We'll see how this works.

Nicole has a little disruption going on in her work life, but it seems like it's going to work out just fine. Guy wants her resume BADLY, as he thinks he can place her in two shakes of a rabbit's tail.

Okay, enough with the printing issues. Back to creating some future.

A nice evening. Guy came over, we hung out, had dinner, watched a movie "The Butterfly Effect," which was .. twisted, but good. Now, I'm doing the laundry (finally) and about to take the mutts outside for one last pee.

My birthday dinner is almost filled up .. now, I have more invitees than I have places to sit. Only eight attendees (plus me) since I only have eight party hats, whistles and gift bags. Still have to hit the dollar stores for fun things to fill up the gift bags.

How do I now UNinvite the couple of people who haven't yet responded? And, do I invite Jarred? I want to .. pleh.

Perhaps I'll do that, and see if he responds.

Sunday morning. Skipped out on church, 'cause I wasn't awake enough. I have crap all over this bed in here that needs to be in a box before Guy comes over around 5:00.

Just stopped by Hollywood Video - they lured me in with a coupon promising a previously owned DVD for $9.99. Interestingly enough, they were offering three used DVDs for $25, which is LESS. Anyway. They had dozens of copies of .. crap. I haven't rented from them in three years? I think.

I have housework to do, too. And I just want to do some sleeping. I think.

At least on the surface of it.

I haven't paid rent yet this month. I asked UHCL if they would please put my check request at the head of the list so I could get paid this week. I have a client that I'm doing some accounting work for, from whom I expect to be paid on Saturday. I was actually expecting to get paid from him on Monday or Tuesday, and it seems that he took a trip out of town until Friday.

And, Scott in Austin owes me $525.00.

So.

Scott has decided that I have not helped him, and that I completed none of the projects that he asked for help with. Of course, that's simply not true. I completed everything for him. He's upset because he owes taxes to the IRS plus penalties for late filing. Of course, none of that had anything to do with me. He says he has no idea where he stands with anything .. etc. So, he's not going to pay me.

UHCL promised me that they had put my invoice in, but I just called accounting, and they have nothing in the system. Strangely, there is nothing in the system for the check that they just cut me a few weeks back, either. So, I don't know whether I am being lied to, as before, or whether ..

I can't get clarity on my current issue at hand (the tendency to put off doing work until it's just about due .. Mr. Procrastinate) I don't do anything that I don't HAVE to do, such as filing, marketing or whatever, unless something just snaps inside and I get it all done. Task lists and calendaring just don't matter a whit.

I have to have a breakthrough here. And I have to have it damned fast.

Okay, a nice sunny morning. I have confirmed (I think) that my UHCL check is being cut tomorrow .. of course, she was just nasty about that. The last time, I just took her word at it from an email, and it took them five more weeks. So, sorry, honey, that I irritated you, but you LIED to me last time, and then your boss lied to me and ..

So, deal.

Now, I have to get someone else to fly right. He's all cranky with me because he's having some issues with his own behavior, and he's trying to blame me, just because I've helped him with the paperwork.

No more accepting blame on the part of people who don't handle their own business.

I fell in a parking lot today, and although I didn't hurt myself, I got coated in mud. YUCK.

I found some uncashed checks in my client's paperwork .. and in checking them out, learned that WaMu no longer does merchant check verification. Weird.

Okay, I'm going to shower and then get back to creating file folders.

It just started raining, which explains my blistering headache. Well, that, and the self-induced stress load.

I hope to have some clarity tonight. I think I've sufficiently focused on this (really big) issue that confronts me. Confronts, boxes in, limits, defines ..

Got my Animated Animations Duck Dodgers thing back today. It seems that it, alone among all of the Warner Brothers art, is not sold out.

I need to sleep now. I was up, as you know, until very late, entertaining self-focused straight men who are flexible enough to get their attention where they can find it.

Well, here we are. It's Tuesday, and I'm clear what the personal issue is, I just don't have the clarity that I need yet.

And I need it, badly.

I have the LSAT student coming over today .. in an hour.

time shifts

Okay, now. He's due here now. I have a bed full of paperwork to data enter today, and .. not much else. Board meeting tonight. I don't know why.

Had the masseur Michael over last night. He was .. oh, two hours late in getting here. Then, he flopped around on the sofa for three hours, drinking wine, and talking about things. He did the usual grabbing on his crotch (for three hours? I'm surprised it's not chafed) and playing with his flat stomach, and talking about how his girlfriend isn't sexually satisfying.

UGH.

So, I think he's like Vlad from "Camp." Seeking validation, but nothing more that involves a commitment. Wants to soak up as much validation as possible. Oh, and as he was trotting out the door, he tells me (again) that he doesn't have much going on today, and I should call him .. 'cause he loves being here with me.

So, I haven't had enough sleep. I'm cranky. E ripped me a new one for entertaining a sexually confused creature last night from 2:30 to 3:00. And, I have gotten NO CLARITY on my issue at hand.

Bleh.

Got a lot of fabulairing done yesterday, now I just need to manifest the money to buy all the samples and initial inventory. And pay E to get the website deployed. And, and, and.

Issues again.

So, I'll spend the afternoon going through all of this paperwork, and trying to figure out how to enter closed transactions into QuickBooks without screwing up the balances. Fun, huh?

Sign the petition

If it angers you that the GOP let the assault weapon ban expire, do something about it.

Afternoon ..

Well, interesting. I've been putting off doing this accounting job for a few days, now the client is out of the office until Friday. Uh, hello? Perhaps if I'd kept my service promise, I'd be paid and wouldn't have to worry about .. well, everything.

And, my Austin client is ducking me. Of course, he owes me money..

I skipped class tonight. I have to run by Nicole's and pick up some paperwork, and then Michael the Masseur may stop by around 9:00. I have tomorrow to clear through work and then .. what? I don't know. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

It's like .. I need someone to come in tomorrow with a business plan that needs writing, and ready to pay the retainer.

I probably should have gone to class tonight. I'd have probably gotten something great out of it. I just didn't feel like it. Bleh.

I have to make the bed (laundered the sheets) and such.

Ahhhhh .. Angel: Season Four. I only have disc one, so I cannot do what I wish to, and watch the WHOLE THING tonight. I have to save two episodes for TOMORROW night. I am functioning on approximately three hours of sleep today, and I've been mostly on the go all day. So, the little man in my brain is shutting down the lights, and I don't quite know how profound I can be tonight.

Church tomorrow morning, and then I have to crank on the work all afternoon. A client's financial records to organize, put in file folders, enter into QuickBooks and then have them ready for him to pick up.

Had a little electronic discussion with a gay lad in Atlanta tonight. He started things off by telling me he thought that Hillary Clinton was a communist. Ugh. Of course, that required dissection. While he did not give much ground, he was required to admit that none of Mrs. Clinton's positions or advocations were inherently Communist.

THEN, he started in on Ralph Nader. Hello? Irrelevant? Can you SPELL "who cares?" Ralph Nader is a Communist.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is. He endorses the Green Party platform, which is Communist.

No, he doesn't. He sought their nomination as their candidate, as they were on the ballot in all 50 states. He was not selected.

Yes, he did.

No, he didn't.

So, you're saying that Ralph Nader changed his politics?

No, I am not.

Well, you just said that he was no longer supporting the Green party platform.

No, I said he was never an endorser of the 2004 Green party platform.

Whence, much cutting and pasting of elements of the 2004 Green party platform ensued.

Yes, I admit that the platform of the Green party is Communistic. However, Ralph Nader never adopted those positions. Here, please look at the Nader website (hyperlink supplied.)

Apparently, that was too challenging. Back we go to the Green party website.

So, I said "Nader was the Green Party candidate in 2000. He was not in 2004. Are you speaking about the platform of the Green Party in 2000, or are you attributing the platform of the Green party in 2004 to Nader's campaign in 2000? The Green party has taken a significant shift to the left since 2000."

Much time passed.

Then, "Okay, so you're right, the 2000 Green party platform did not endorse the positions that I was speaking of."

Then, he started back at it.

So, I said "Trying to discuss facts with someone who takes their information from Fox News is like trying to discuss religion with a Mormon. It's best to smile, nod and move on."

Oh, my. Talk about gas on the fire.

Tirade, tirade, tirade.

I just kept answering "smile and nod."

Then, I took him off my "buddy" list. I mean, come ON. A gay person taking his information from Fox News and Rush Limbaugh? Why not just be Jewish, and write press releases for Joseph Goebbels?

Anyway. I don't think that Kerry is going to win this, anyway. He's allowed the Bush campaign to define him, and he isn't creating a vision for undecided voters to look into as they make up their minds. He isn't motivating. The new, happy, all pablum Democratic party (Republican lite) just isn't anything different than what the Republicans offer. Regardless of what Hannity says.

And, I think that Geo. II will completely pander to the radical right .. to get elected. Once he's re-elected, he's going to go back to status quo ante and the right is going to be REALLY pissed. Not that it will count for anything, but they're going to be really tweaked when they find out that they were used and abused.

Ah, well.

I need to take these mutts outside, and get to bed. More foundational meditation is on tonight's schedule. God, I hope I get through all this crap soon.

Ugh. Michael woke me up when he came in last night, and then I couldn't go back to sleep to save my life.

I guess it was all for a purpose; I'm trying to uncover the deeply held belief structures that are relevant in my life right now, and last night I was meditating to work on money issues. I got a lot of revelation on it, and that's all well and good, but now what?

Yikes.

I've pretty much decided that I'm done with having Michael stay here when he's in town. I just don't find that it brings anything of value to me, and it's just more work.

Have I mentioned that the kitchen is REALLY clean? It's making me very happy.

I've already started knocking out work this morning, which is helpful. The financial pressure this month is very serious, and I'm working to get everything under control by Monday.

I just see on my Netflix account that Angel Season 4 is shipping today! YAY! That makes me SO happy. I watched "Red Dirt" last night - it started off slowly, and built up into this incredible, non-sexual love story. As the movie was winding down, the two characters that are in love just SPLIT - without even saying good bye. It was heart breaking! Then, the one guy comes BACK several weeks later - and they finally confess to one another that they're helplessly in love. And, the one guy gets in his truck and LEAVES! Yeek! The one left behind resolves himself to stay in his tiny Mississippi town and take care of his mother, who's insane! GREAT movie.

I have to jump into the shower pretty soon, I have the LSAT student over at 10:30, and then lunch with Jeffrey. I'm cruising through this quality control manual. This is good!

So, the kitchen is CLEAN. I finally moved some cabinet stuff around that has bugged me for, oh, years. Of course, in the process, I broke a Pyrex cake pan, and the Pyrex lid to a casserole dish. PLEH. But, I have enough Pyrex to open a bakery, so what's the difference? Everything is all clean and sparkly up above the cabinets, which is such a great feeling. I may be dreaming, but I think it smells better in here.

Of course, Mikey would point out that the dogs still need grooming, but ..

Michael showed up today; a day early. He looks GREAT! Wow. He's working in Galveston this weekend. He got here, flopped down on the bed in the guest room here (I was, of course, tethered to my computer.) I told him about his co-worker the Colt model having stayed here .. he asks if I've been cheating on him..

No, really.

So, we're talking about this and that. And, I mentioned that I had hung out with my friend Jeff the other night. And, he asks me again if I've been cheating on him..

No, REALLY.

Okay, so now, he flops down on the sofa, and I'm cleaning the kitchen some more. So, I asked if his wife was still moving to Conroe with their kids, and he says, yes, at the end of March. And I asked whether he was moving in with them there.

He says, no, he's going to try not to. So, I asked where he was going to move.

He said he didn't know .. he'd just move in here.

With me.

No, REALLY!

I told him that there was no room in here for all of his stuff.

He laughed.

I guess today should be called "What a difference a day makes." Spent some time meditating this morning, and accomplished a huge breakthrough in anxiety levels. It's just such a relief.

Got a bunch of projects cranked out today, and then, took a wild hair and started cleaning up the top of the kitchen cabinets. Took everything down, cleaned everything, the dishwasher is running on all the stuff that I couldn't get clean enough, and hopefully, the whole kitchen will SMELL better soon. Ugh. It's amazing how much DIRT gets all over everything in a short time in this place.

It's the dogs. Got to be. Uh-huh.

This evening, more projects, have to finish watching a movie I started several days ago .. tomorrow is packed with different appointments, which will make it difficult to accomplish anything specific.

Tonight should have been a Travis night. However ..

Found a tranny for a 1973 Imperial today online. YAY! It's pretty cheap, too.

Ugh .. this review of issues that I had fooled myself into thinking were "handled" is quite the mental and emotional load. Yikes.

Dinner with a client/friend tonight. He's been giving me guilt for months that I don't just "stop in" when I'm down teaching or at church. I cannot seem to get him to understand that I never "stop in" anywhere. I think it's rude.

A conversation between an anonymous friend and me today .. brought about by viewing this

-----Original Message-----
From: Douglas
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 11:31 AM
To: L
Subject: RE: I think you should watch this video .. watch the WHOLE thing, and then think about it.

Your last two questions are those that are the most disturbing ..

From: L
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 9:56 AM
To: Douglas
Subject: RE: I think you should watch this video .. watch the WHOLE thing, and then think about it.

You know, I’m not an engineer but I agree with everything you’ve said. And I recall thinking at the time that there was ABSOLUTELY no damage OUTSIDE the Pentagon. And even with all the damage, it didn’t seem to be large enough for a plane that big to have made. It’s just mind-boggling that someone planned this whole event – but who?

And, yes, what DID happen to the 757? Remember, soon-to-be-ex Solicitor General Ted Olsen’s wife, Barbara – the right-wing ex-prosecutor – was on that plane and made a call to him – at least allegedly she did – saying they had been hijacked. Not to mention, Doug, that Dulles is so close to the Pentagon that unless it flew considerably AWAY from Washington it couldn’t have gained much height or speed. And yet it went off the radar 45 minutes earlier? How can that be? All the reports said the plane simply got in the air and immediately turned toward, presumably, the White House and the Capitol.

As much as I despise George W. Bush and all he stands for, I can’t fathom – intelligently or reasonably – that as vile as he and his minions are they could have come up with something as horrible as this. So then I ask WHO and WHY?



-----Original Message-----
From: Douglas
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 9:48 AM
To: L
Subject: RE: I think you should watch this video .. watch the WHOLE thing, and then think about it.

I think that a 757 did NOT hit the Pentagon. I have always thought that it did not. Being a complete airliner junkie, I have thought since 9/11/01 that something was WRONG.

1. a 757 could not hit the building that low to the ground without first having had some of its low-hanging pieces (engines, for instance) drag into the ground. The dynamics of the "hit" don't make sense.

2. a 757 can't FLY 530 miles an hour that close to the ground. It would start coming apart in mid-air from structural damage

3. There were no "bones" of a dead 757 outside the Pentagon - the engines, for instance, would have been too dense to punch through the outside wall, OR the hole would have been much larger

4. The hole was too round, and extends too far into the building to have been made by a 757 - only something very dense, moving very fast, with a lot of explosive energy could have created that hole

5. They never found the "black boxes" from the 757 (the found them for the 767s that hit the WTC buildings)

Now, this leads to disturbing questions:

· What did happen to the AA 757 and the people on it?

· Why are we being told something other than the truth?

· Did the terrorists get their hands on something like a cruise missile?

Or the biggest question - was the whole thing a scam?

We have already talked about that the WTC buildings' collapse doesn't make common sense

· The WTC towers clearly did not have heat-related structural damage sufficient to cause a collapse of the central cores just minutes before the collapse, as evidenced by the firefighters' radio communications as they were going UP the stairwells in the central cores above the 30th floors right before the collapse

· WTC 7 (the hotel) was neither hit, on fire nor damaged other than superficially, and it spontaneously collapsed into its foundations

· The WTC towers' solid steel "ribs" that were driven deep into the granite by pile drivers were destroyed .. how was that possible?

· In 1991, the WTC survived an underground explosion of tons of TNT, calculated to damage the "ribs" and bring the buildings down. The structures survived with minimal damage. How can we assert that airplanes hitting above the 40th floor caused the buildings to totally collapse structurally?

· WTC 2 - the first building to collapse - burned less than an hour, and the airplane clearly hit the building at an angle to the corner - most of the destructive force AND the fuel blew out through the other side of the building. How, then, did the building collapse first with less damage and less time for the building to be damaged than WTC 1?

Given that the physical structure damage and the lack of airplane parts outside the Pentagon, we can only conclude that we're not being told the truth. Since we're not being told the truth about two different events in two different parts of the country, it seems only logical that we are being lied to in an organized and pre-arranged fashion.

It's a scam.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: L
Sent: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 8:45 AM
To: douglas
Subject: RE: I think you should watch this video .. watch the WHOLE thing, and then think about it.

Hmmm. That was very thought provoking. I need to watch it again because a telephone call interrupted me. What do you think about this?

-----Original Message-----
From: Douglas
Sent: Friday, September 10, 2004 10:59 PM
To: drdivo
Subject: I think you should watch this video .. watch the WHOLE thing, and then think about it.



I've been saying this for nearly three years. If you want to tell me I'm nuts afterward, go for it. But only after you've watched the WHOLE thing and taken in the information. (Some of you won't need to be so open minded)

Another picture of Brian 

Here's a picture of Brian. 

Tuesday after lunch ..

I've been unsettled since last night. Got some of the things resolved for myself today, but seeing Brian last night was ... just hurtful and weird. It's clear he's either escorting or "kept," but, his distant friendliness was just such a rejection, I guess.

Lance came over this morning and tried to help me configure my POS HP printer to fax a document off the hard drive. He was also stymied. I just need to replace this printer sometime soon.

Board meeting tonight is cancelled, which is good.

Have to get to drafting this quality management document for a mortgage company. Then, help Lance with a deal of his. After that, I'm pretty much out of things to work on. It will be cool and weird at the same time. I'm hoping to do some book keeping for a client, but he hasn't said yes for sure yet.

This week's church subject is "There is no spoon." We'll be talking about that nothing is real to spirit than thought. So, I'm spending time thinking about that and trying to structure our "lesson" for Sunday.

Saw "Suspect Zero" last night with Nicole. It was very interesting, a little disturbing. It was nice to get out with her for a while. I'm going over to see her and Nancy tonight.

I have so much to process, and I just feel like mentally "checking out" rather than deal with it. I think I'll watch this movie, and then see if I'm ready to start synthesizing.

FINALLY got the printer/scanner/fax/thing working correctly with the computer. Ugh. What a nightmare that has been. I still can't fax directly off disc from a document, which SUCKS. I think Lance is going to see if he has any magic he can work on it tomorrow.

I've decided that tomorrow's church is going to be a facilitated discussion .. rather than a discourse. For several reasons. First, I don't know what the HECK I'm going to say, and second, .. see reason #1. So, I'm going to zip through some of my texts, highlight some sections that are relevant, and then go have at it.

I'm only expecting four or five people tomorrow anyway..

I have a friend coming over in about an hour, so I need to make some dinner. I should run the vacuum, also.

Tomorrow, after church, I need to focus on knocking out some stuff that I've been putting off because I haven't been able to print/compute for nearly two weeks!

Ah, a beautiful sunny day! I have my LSAT student here; I may have to beat him soon. After that, I'm headed out to Office Depot, and then to get my tire fixed, get gas, stop at the new CVS to rip coupon savings from them ..

Michael is coming tomorrow for the weekend. 

Almost time for bed. I have to be up early, buy some printer cartridges, crank out a BUNCH of work .. I really need to catch up [again.]

Don't they have great graphics support? 

So. I went to see "Hair" tonight at TUTS.

As one could expect from the most successful company producing Broadway musicals in the country, it was pretty. In fact, as we trouped into the theater, I thought and said "good set!" It was great.

The last time I saw a production of Hair, it was put on at my own Country Playhouse here in Houston. It was just over three years ago, and it was the first time it was produced on a large stage in Houston for many years.

TUTS' performance of Hair had everything going for it in terms of a musical performance - a complete, professional "orchestra," dazzling light display, a HUGE cast, everyone radio miked, beautiful costumes..

It is a show about the soul of a nation, performed in this instance without soul.

At a time when the country is again embroiled in pointless conflict, when politics polarizes the nation to the point of open hostility, when the government seemingly can't be trusted, when our very values as a nation are being questioned - what better time to field a soulful delivery of "Hair?"

We got the over-performed, "hey-look-at-me," no cohesiveness, staged without sense of soul, without sense of what makes an audience fall in love with the hippies, and breaks their hearts at the end of the show.
We got the show filled with young performers who have no heart, cannot connect with heartbreak, with rage, with fear for their lives, with futility, with creating a veneer of acceptance and love that sustains them in the face of a world they have rejected.

We get a Claude who is a magnificent technician in terms of his musical delivery, who cannot convey his angst, his bravado, his confusion, his hopelessness. We get a Burger who is just loud and obnoxious, rather than charming and filled with love while he taunts us, and teases our very belief structures. We get a cast of people who have no relationships with each other, save for their blocking.

The Country Playhouse production of Hair was staffed entirely by amateurs. Oh, yes, to be sure, everyone got paid. The actors received a stipend which did not cover the cost of fuel to drive to and from rehearsals. The director/choreographer and the musical director, working with budgets that wouldn't dress the cast of TUTS' production, got paid an embarassing sum for the creative and financial wizardry that they displayed. And the cast .. the cast, who received ten dollars for their performances, were ALIVE. They were the Vietnam era. They were the youth who knew that what was happening was wrong, and was reprehensible, and felt the only power that they had was to create a riotous, non-violent rebellion. They LOVED each other. They KNEW each other's back story. The BELIEVED in what they were doing together.

Claude started the show sitting, dead center of the stage. Just staring at the audience from behind mirrored sunglasses. For a half hour. With no prelude, he began to sing the opening words to the song in a clear, true voice. He began to rise, challenging the audience in the opening moments of the show with his message and his tone. At the moment that the chorus began, the cast EXPLODED into the theater. The harmonies were perfect, and unassisted electronically. Pitches were true, timbres rich and delicious, and the voices filled with the excitement of youth challenging existing structure with new ideas. The show moved fluidly from number to number, the story developed by the passion of each actor, and the clarity of their vocals.

TUTS cannot hope for that energy rippling through the nervous systems of their audiences. Their cast made no effort to connect with the audience. Even their in-audience interactions had the disconnect of rehearsed behavior.

EVERY number ripped into the consciousness of the audience (in the Country Playhouse version.) With just four instruments, the band created an authentic rock concert that perfectly supported the music. Number after number tore through the audience, taking them from laughter to outrage to reflection to revulsion to examination and back again. Even though they skipped the famous nude sequence, they took on buring of the flag, group love making, interracial relationships, drug use ..

TUTS did the nude scene. Yep. They sure did. In blue light. Well, they were probably nude. I think.

The show ends with Claude going into the Army, and then dying in Vietnam. TUTS whipped this concept over and over, making it the focus of Claude's hallucination sequence, and then making it the central piece of the closing number. Claude was shot, blown up, shot again, shot some more, got up, talked to the angels, shot a few more times, machine gunned, blown up again, and then shot. A few more times. The Valentine's Day massacre wasn't as violent. During the [should have been moving] closing number "Let the Sunshine In," Claude's uniformed body lies center stage, which the cast sings to the audience. TWO of the performers looked like they were trying to convey sadness. TWO. The rest were as exuberant as the cast of
Camp performing Grease.

At the moment of the show that TUTS should have been ripping the hearts of its audience out, I was wondering just where it was I had parked the car.

Okay, I didn't want to say this, but here it goes. If the cast of TUTS' "Hair" had put as much energy and authenticity into their performances as they had into their bows, maybe they would have had something.

Maybe.

Maybe if they had had the sense to hire Chris Ayres and Claudia Dyle, they would have had something.

Three and a half years ago, I came out at intermission on opening night of Hair at the Country Playhouse, and asked Claudia Dyle to marry me. I was nearly speechless, the show was so good. When Brandon Peters performed the hallucination sequence, I was captivated. When the cast each brought Brandon (Claude) a flower or a hug or a look as he entered the Army induction office in his uniform, I thought my heart would burst. Moments later, the cast members carried a casket out onto the stage, with an American flag draped over it. They BLED the song "Sunshine." My heart bled with them, and the tears streamed down my face.

THAT is what theater is about, folks. It's about MOVING people. It's about making them THINK and FEEL and INVOLVE themselves in the story you're telling from the stage. It's NOT about holding your arms just so, or having the best makeup, or the prettiest costumes, or the most dazzling set.

So, to the actors, producers and board members of TUTS - if you want to know what HAIR was supposed to be, talk to someone who saw it out at the run down, underfunded Country Playhouse. Everett Evans can wax euphorically about your show, but it doesn't mean SQUAT, because we in the theater know the truth. The actors in the Country Playhouse out-sang, out-danced, out-acted, out-emoted and out-did you, and they didn't get paid dirt. They all worked full-time jobs during the day to support themselves, and slogged through seven weeks of unpaid rehearsals. The musical director SHAMED you, TUTS, she worked with people who just WANTED to be in that show. She had less than an hour each night with them, and she made you look like you were a bunch of prima dons and donnas who can't control their own clutching grab at the spotlight to work with their fellow cast to produce the musical harmonies that make the songs from HAIR part of our culture forty years later. The director/choreographer/designer/producer had NO support, except for his unpaid stage manager and unpaid tech people, and he created an environment that brought out the nuances of HAIR, and so enhanced the story and energy that the audiences were brought to the brink of what their emotional systems could stand.

For $19 a seat, the audiences of the Country Playhouse got nearly 250 minutes of raw energy, emotion, grace, harmony, music, rebellion, humor, repugnance and thought.

For $77.25 a seat, TUTS owes its audience a life altering experience. Not a video.

To Chris, Claudia, Brandon, Scott, Johanna, Greg, Erin, Richard and everyone else that made HAIR at CPH something that still brings me chills .. thank you for being what real performers ARE, for your passion, commitment and energy.

FINALLY funded. Still waiting for funding myself so that I can do lots of important things like .. well, you know the drill.

Going tonight to see "Hair" at TUTS .. with William, Guy and Nicole, plus who knows who else.

I hope it's as good as Country Playhouse's version was a few years back.

I was up until 3:00 this morning searching for leather goods online for Fabulair. Now, I'm wiped out, and I have to make dinner for at least three tonight. PLEH!

I found a cute graphic that I just slapped into my blog. And, I spent four HOURS working on my drdivo.com website last night. Hopefully, I can get that deployed sometime here in the next few days.

Okay, it may be time for a nap. I'm exhausted.

this pretty much says it all 

Another pic of Luiz 

Luiz the Brazilian ..  

Monday morning that's actually Tuesday. I have my LSAT student coming in 25 minutes, and then I have work to crank out. I've already done a bit of house cleaning, and this afternoon, I have documents I have to prepare.

For some reason, I decided to post two pictures of Luiz, the Brazilian on my blog. There he is!

The Colt model replied to my email note, and he was NOT very happy. In fact, he was downright nasty. Of course, as Lance pointed out - he did never either apologize nor thank me for what I did do for him last week.

Okay, tutoring time.

This is from the email I just sent to the Colt model today:

What I said earlier wasn't being entirely truthful. Yes, it is true that I have a lot going on this week, and I need to be able to focus to make it all happen.

However, what's really true is that I just don't want to help you out again.

I've let many dancers stay with me over the years; some I have allowed to come back time and time again, others, I prefer not to have back in my home.

Those that I invite back have been courteous, have been appreciative, have chatted with me a bit, gone out to eat, been sociable.

I have never opened my home to someone just because he has invested the effort to build up his body and his looks. I don't expect sex, flattery or someone I can show off to my friends. Neither I am, nor they are, that shallow.

However, I cannot justify the disruption to my regular schedule for someone who expects to be fed, watered, cleaned up after and laundered for who exhibits no signs of appreciation for me or my courtesies. In the absence of such appreciation, my courtesies are expected by the person I'm helping, and that would require that both you and I value your physical commitment to your body over my commitment to my business, career, home and spirituality.

I am not willing to make that concession. I refuse to worship at the altar of beauty to the exclusion of my own dignity.

I'm sure things will work out for you, and I wish you the best.

A letter to the editor of the Houston Chronicle...

Let's just see if they print it.

I was shocked at the rock-star treatment that the Chronicle gave the recent Republican National Convention. Coverage of the Democratic convention was neither as laudatory, nor as comprehensive.

The Republican party, of late, has become the party of obfuscation and deception - white is black, day is night, right is wrong. Anyone who dare raise a question is "unpatriotic." Anyone who disagrees is an enemy. Their vitriol has enflamed an audience who now makes it physically unsafe to hold opposing ideas.

US citizens who wear an anti-Bush t-shirt or who hold up an anti-Bush sign are now routinely arrested and harassed by the police, and yet the Chronicle, part of the "liberal media," says nothing. In Crawford, protestors are arrested by the busload just for being present in the area, not for violating any statute or ordinance, and the "liberal" Chronicle says nothing.

The 9/11 Commission is funded to the extent of $600,000 to investigate the greatest governmental and defense failure in the history of our Nation, and the "liberal" Chronicle fails to point out that more than fifty times that amount of money was used to investigate President Clinton's White House sexual activities.

Yet, the Chronicle and the "liberal media" continue to paint the Republicans as fiscal conservatives, moving the country toward a more responsible way of living. "Liberals," what few are left, are described as intellectually flawed, radical lunatics who desire to require that people be taxed at ridiculous rates. That the statements the "liberals" are accused of making are demonstrably false is never brought up by the Chronicle and the rest of the "liberal media."

Traditional American values of Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Assembly, Freedom of Association are routinely trampled .. and you say nothing.

What's next? Is the Chronicle readying its participation in the "Ministry of Truth?" Is there no one at the largest newspaper never to win a Pulitzer prize who has any independence and courage?

Perhaps, the Chronicle could write a story about the news media in this Country being owned and controlled by a small group of fabulously wealthy, multi-national corporations, who have no self-serving interest in disturbing the public with the truth about what is happening, only in perpetuating economic benefits for their corporate officers and stockholders? That is what has happened to the "liberal media" in this country since Watergate.

If a Watergate were to occur today, it would barely gain a footnote, unless it were a Democrat who were the actor.

The Chronicle, and the rest of the corporate media, have rendered themselves irrelevant by their partisanship. As more and more people realize the futility of gaining any information from the Chronicle, readership will further decline and these corporate media sources, in their very effort to enhance their profitability, will end this line of business that has nurtured and cultivated society for hundreds of years.

Ah, coffee ... it is the nectar of the Gods.

The peeler wants to come stay with me another week. WEEK. A week of me feeding him, being locked out of my bedroom (you can't imagine me letting him stay in the guest room with the computer, can you??) and cleaning up after him, with no social benefits? Uh, no.

My favorite waiter/architect person in the whole world wrote today from Tokyo (where he's interning) and send a link to a FABULOUS article about the huge shift in politics in America. Check it out here.

Had a great chat with Jean today after church. While she was doing the offering, I pulled an old Course in Miracles card out of my bag, which was unexpected since I haven't played with those in eleven years or so. It said "how you perceive others you are reinforcing in yourself."

Bleh. More work to do.

I have a blistering headache; day two of same. I've been doubling up on the sinus meds, and it hasn't helped.

Time for some nappage and to see if that (plus another couple antihistamines) makes a difference. Then, throw in some laundry, and I'm supposed to go hang out with Nicole.

Rain, rain ..

Woke up with a sinus infection today. And in a relatively bad mood. The mood didn't lift until I started teaching this morning, and that went GREAT. As always. I guess that's the answer to why I keep putting up with UHCL - I love the work so much.

Walked out to the car (in the downpour) with the NICEST woman who's been a flight attendant for Southwest for years .. got into the car and had a call from Mikey. He called me yesterday, and said that he wanted to spend some "away" time with me today. We made an arrangement to get together at 4:00 - maybe go "on safari" for the first time in two months - and his call was to inform me that his boyfriend had made other plans.

What is it about gay men that they can only perform two ways in socializing? If they have a boyfriend, their entire lives are subsumed into that relationship. There is nothing outside of it, and all of their old friendships are shut off until their boyfriend .. does whatever and leaves. Then, you (me) are expected to pick up right where you left off, and act like you didn't just get the receiving end of a year or more of being utterly ignored.

The other side is that the only socializing is to go "out." Out to the bars. Watch the boys, watch the dick dancers .. conversation is impossible. What's the point?

Since I don't go "out," and I don't have a boyfriend, I'm basically persona non grata in this world. I won't hear from Richard, aside from telephone calls and emails when he's at work until .. oh, 2015, and Mikey's going to be engaged in this whole Jay thing until it plays out, which could take years. I have ONE single friend, and he's so damned popular ..

Whine, whine, whine.

On a positive note, I found diapers for Jackie on the Petsmart website. Only $18 and $4.99 for 22 liners. I'm buying those ASAP. I can't take much more of her stealth peeing.

Didn't get to see Larry on this trip. I'll go back to Dallas on the 24th and see him then.

I'm reading my fifth "gay fiction" novel in just a few weeks. This one, at least, has something to say, and isn't thinly disguised pornography. There is a quote from this book that I just read that I think is valid ..

"It's all about youth .. flesh .. pretty faces .. gym bodies .. Prada .. big dicks. I mean, when was the last time you heard someone described as "hot" because they were intelligent, polite and considerate?"

I nodded a silent agreement.

"The sad thing is that we worship these .. these .. these fashion-conscious beefcake idols at all costs, and offer up and impossible standard for anyone to meet."

"The fashion-conscious beefcake idols meet the standard," I observed.

"For a few years, if they're lucky. And then what? One day they look in the mirror and realize that they're forty-eight years old, their faces and bodies are sagging, and no one is looking at them anymore. They've been reduced to the status of a mere human, and the so-called "hot" men don't want them anymore. It would be funny if not for the fact that the average guys out there - the ones who were never fashion-conscious beefcake models to begin with - continue to pray at the altar of the new hot boys. Collectively, we just don't seem to get it, do we?"

Amen and amen. Guilty as charged.

After seeing Travis the other night, I've decided not to see him again. It just makes me feel too badly about myself.

Installing Windows XP SP 2 - it's taking a LONG time. I've been waiting for a title company funding all day - it's NOT happening. Pleh.

If I just keep saying that I love this business, maybe it will work as an affirmation.

Signed up for the H&R Block tax course, which I have to take to get access to the ADVANCED tax courses. It's a month of Mondays and Wednesdays.

WHERE did I put my printer ink cartridges?

Seems that I'll be spending a quiet evening at home, and maybe watching a movie. I need to zip over to google adsense google adsense and add this blog spot to it.

The doctor will see you now ..  

okay .. the peeler is gone. Got a few things done today, but if any of you know where I put my printer cartridges, get in touch with me soon.

Larry and Miss Blair are headed in tomorrow; there is a possibility that we may go out on Safari, although I'm not inclined to do so. I teach at UHCL on Saturday morning; church on Sunday.

It's a Travis kind of evening, I think. At least, that's the plan.

A bit later ..

Well, that's that. The sheets are dry, Travis is onward, and I am morose.

Been taking tests on tickle.com They have like .. dozens of personality tests. Took an inkblot test last night, it was fun! Of course, if you want the "full" test results, you have to pay. If you want to do the whole date/person match thing, you have to pay. But, you can take dozens of these tests, have them auto-post to your profile and it's fun.

Ah, at home and finally computerized again. Blake (the new peeler) is snoozing, soundly on guesses, in my bedroom, as I've been cleaning, reading, baking, waiting for the new computer .. all day!

I've baked chicken breasts, heated up garlic bread and now there are green beans heating. How June Cleever of me! Next, I'm baking oatmeal cookies.



slightly later

The cookies did NOT work out at all. I put some homemade kaluha in them, and .. bleh. They're nasty. The new peeler (!) seems to not mind; he's wolfing them down.

He is VERY .. interesting. Like, making me nervous interesting. He came over around 12:30, hung out for about five minutes, took a shower, went to bed, slept until 7:30, got up, ate the food I made for him, went BACK to sleep, slept until 9:00, got up, was heading off for work .. I gave him a disposable razor (he hadn't shaved in days) and he asked for a t-shirt to wear. I gave him an old Heil t-shirt (another "friend" who owes me THOUSANDS) which he donned, and then he asked for a pair of socks. So, I tossed him a pair of Michael's. I was putting some laundry in the machine, so I offered to do some of his (he had mentioned it earlier.) He opened up his bag .. he has NOTHING. Hardly any clothing, hardly any accoutrements, I think he's without a permanent place to live aside from his car.

Something's up with him, and I don't know what.

But, I feel like hiding the good watches. Which, I think, I will go and do right now.

WAY later

Well, it's been interesting. The peeler finally made it back home around 3:00. He's sleeping in my room (since he won't be up until noon, and I'll have work to do. Besides, I think this is a better bed anyway.)

More later .. I need some sleep!

I wrote out this LONG post last night, which was somewhat profound (considering my fairly innocuous entries of late, it was, anyway.) I had so much to say, and now .. bleh. I just don't feel like reproducing it.

Been spending a lot of time today thinking about elements of my life which feed into my "sentence." If you've been reading, you'll know what that's about. Susan is course supervising the advanced course this weekend, so it's amusing and interesting that I'm in Dallas, where she is, and dwelling on my "sentence," which is one of the primary focuses of the Advanced Course.

Anyway.

I've been going back through different events in my life - back to fourth grade, I think, and looking at where I've just taken what was meted out and haven't ever really stood up for myself. My relationship with Valentine is a very clear example of not even standing up for what's lawful and just, let alone what works for me. It's a new "muscle" for me, but I have a lot of experience in knowing how things work and where to go to get things accomplished to help me through.

I think I found a replacement computer on eBay tonight - knocks off tomorrow. Mikey gave me some specs to find, and this seems to be just the right thing.

Larry and I are fixing to head out and have some hang-out time with his friends again tonight. We have had a relaxing and very fun day today; the same friends came over around noon, and we ate WONDERFUL food, hung out, cut up, told evil stories and watched "Sordid Lives." We laughed until we cried. Then, I did some emailing, tried to nap (and spent the time meditating and planning instead) and then got up, cleaned up and came here.

Guy is unable to join me this weekend, but I think that we'll be back around the 11th for the annual fund raising party in Plano.

I am going to see if I can sneak in a trip to go see Scott next week, and get in on the last day of service from EFD. I think I'll close up and check airfares over there now.

Greetings from Dallas County, where one must display one's Amex Platinum at all times to garner attention from wait staff.

Flying up here was .. weird. It's been nearly two years since I've flown Continental, and it's the last week that they're operating from my beloved Ellington Field. The last I flew from EFD, it was on an Embraer turbo-prop seating 18; yesterday was on an ERJ145 seating 50. Let's not say it was full. Then, got to Terminal B (where I used to spend a considerable part of my life) and dashed across the new food concourse (!) and made it over to my gate to DAL. As is historically the case, Continental's service from Houston is PACKED going everywhere. Our ERJ to Dallas was pretty full, probably four open seats, and I was in the row occupied by the official screaming child. We sat on the [very hot] ramp for a while, and the child shrieked, screamed and whined the whole time. Then, we pushed back and taxied for a long while. Shriek, scream, cry. Fourth in line for take-off. SSC. Off we go. Had there been a mechanical emergency, the sounds of the sirens from the cockpit and the sounds of the plane breaking apart would have been masked by the piercing cries of this happy child. Well, happy, sad, demanding, begging. I wonder if her name was Sybil? Forty-one minutes in the air. SSC. Approach, land, roll-out, taxi - does this kid not need oxygen? Then, I escaped. Her mother had gate checked something, so I was able to head out the door without the .. well, you get the picture.

Larry rolled right up in his new Aztek, which is really a lovely car, especially all tricked out the way he bought this one. We went to DFW to pick up the man who flew in from SFO to buy his other car, then came back to his place to deliver same. Then, off to dinner and out to the bars. All of Larry's friends were out, which was great, and the first bar we went to was loaded with stippers. Larry's ex-boyfriend was there, and hitting on me (physically) as per the norm. So, I backed him off HARD, his mood fell apart and he left. Everyone I was with was SO taken with the dancers - I kept hollering "they don't mean it - they just want your money" at all of them. Larry went up to the one who was REALLY built, and came back telling me that the boy/man lives in Houston. Sort of. And that he had asked to meet me.

Clearly, he needed something. So, I went over there. He wanted to know if he could contact me, as the man (undoubedly older) that he had been staying with in Houston "was getting weird." Probably wanting some action after all that flirtation to save on hotel rooms. So, I gave him my card. He said he was going to email me on Monday. About six times. Apparently, he's coming to town soon. Like Monday.

Anyway, we went then to the next bar over, and the place was .. empty. But, there were three young men gyrating .. I went to the bathroom, and one would have thought it was 1983 all over again. My heavens! I quickly finished and left, and after a while, I was sitting there at the table having consumed sixty-eleven cocktails, watching my friends shovel out the money and attention at these young men, and wondering how I came to be in this spiritual place (of mine, not the bar.)

I mean, if "it shall be done unto you as you believe" (the best paraphrase that I can offer) and I'm sitting there believing that no one is going to be interested in me, and I'm better off not evidencing interest in ANYONE, then I'm surely getting exactly what I believe. It's complex. Where did I develop this notion? I've had it for years .. but, I didn't used to. Kind of. I don't know.

Fortunately, it was midnight, and Larry was ready to go. So, off we went to his place, and I went to bed pretty quickly. I slept HARD all night, and had more bizarre dreams. I had the one about being in the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Anniston movie where they're racing around on a motorcycle and traveling through time to Medievel lands, and Brad Pitt is fighting armored knights. On his motorcycle. While Jennifer's hair blows in the rush of air past the speeding motorcycle.

I told you that they were weird. I also dreamed of the new peeler. Briefly.

It's raining today, and who knows if everyone's coming over at noon as they said they were. I've been fiddling around on the computer a while, so it's time to go join Larry in the living room and be social. Adios!

A morning without computage. I'm spending my day being productive; cleaning EVERYTHING in the apartment. I'm on a mission to attack anything that smells funky in my apartment. MJV's wife is picking up his equipment today; it's all stacked at the door ready to go. I was thinking about waxing the car today, but .. it's just going to get rained on all weekend so ..

I just found all of my email. I tried to check it last night using my sprint phone, and it kept telling me that I had the wrong password in Yahoo mail - which I did - but, it was pulling down ALL of my email out of my mail server and hiding it in Yahoo mail.

Very amusing.

Scooter is helping me get a replacement computer today.

I just hope that when I get home this weekend, my apartment is as clean and fresh-smelling as I'll be leaving it tomorrow.

I still haven't decided whether to go back to UHCL tomorrow or not. Bleh.

Okay, I'm almost done processing email for the morning - back to cleaning the apartment!

The end of the last class before my practitioner training was tonight .. awesome class. I wish I could take others, but .. one must be sensible about the 72 mile round trip and the evening class schedule.

As I was driving home (and trying to manipulate my PCS phone, which kept dropping calls as I was trying to maintain a speed down the dark country road leading away from Creative Life, not driving into oncoming traffic nor into the ditch) I was talking to Guy about .. well, this, that, the other thing and nothing that changed the direction of the planets. You know, just a few short months ago, he was nothing more than a recognized, recurrent set of characters on a computer screen. In this short period of time, he's become an indispensible part of my daily life. Just as with Lance, and Eric, they have come in non-traditionally (Guy and Eric from internet conversations, and Lance from being introduced as a new co-worker,) and we have glommed onto each other with no introductory period of "getting to know you."

It's just amazing how fast life changes, and how the right people for right where you are move into your circle when you need them.

I have to get to bed, since I have a date with Lisa to walk first thing in the morning.

If it weren't for the lawn guys buzzing around outside my window, today would be a nice, quiet day.

I still have a few things to get done for my class tonight.

Got up this morning, and walked with Lisa, whom I hadn't seen since about March, when her pregnancy got to a point that she couldn't walk anymore. We walked three miles, with the dog and the baby in a stroller .. it was fun!

Okay, I need to gather some more information to make these files happen .. back to the salt mines!

Dinner with Lance & Steve - their food is better than what one gets in a good restaurant.

Lance pointed out something that I had not previously considered; that Jarred is glomming onto me because I'm non-threatening. Once he deals wit hhis issues, I'll be his "mommy," and he'll spin off into his world to do what he does.

Ewww. I've done that SO MUCH in my life .. why would I want to do it AGAIN?

Two messages from Jarred - "Sounds like you have your hands full. Very hectic schedule. I am doing okay, thanks for asking though. Happy? Well, to a certain extent. Just taking each day at a time. Work is consistent which is good. Would still like to chat with you when you feel I am reliable enough."

Today, after church was over, one of the congregants came up to me and told me that she felt connected to me, and that I was, in her mind (then she struggled for words) a force for good.

That has caused me to do a lot of contemplating this afternoon.