Okay, so "Bitter, Party of One"

I wrote last night's blog, and then felt really ugly about it. So, I went to bed. That didn't help. Then, I had dreams about my mother (not good ones, either) and some more insight into this whole thing with men, I think. At least some clues, if not insight.

So, then I woke up feeling .. not good about the thing, and embarassed that I had written to ALL of my friends (well, not all, only the ones who might remotely think about sending Jarred a message) last night that displayed such childishness and bitterness.

BLEH

I spent the hours after being stood up (again, not just by Jarred, but .. the fifth time in two weeks?) being all rational and intellectual about it - as in "I wouldn't want to be around someone who would treat someone that way anyway, etc."

As is common for me with emotionally stressful situations, I process first, then indulge the emotion, then process the emotion.

Now, most people will not read this entire thing until this morning, or later .. say Monday. A few have read it .. and whoo-EEE, am I embarassed.

Let me begin to cover my tracks by saying that this morning's early blood glucose reading was 96. Coolness.

I think I need to (1) call Susan today, (2) focus on Fabulair, my contracts and my friends, and (3) refrain from contact with men until I get something straightened out in my head. Well, not STRAIGHT ...

Well. Now, nearly 10.5 hours since I was to have met Jarred at lunch. No message, no return call, no nothing.

Jarred ver. 5.01

Stood up again! Text messaged him twice about maybe changing restaurants, and called, straight to voice mail. Went to the original restaurant, and he never showed. It's now 75 minutes after our lunch appointment, and he hasn't called or replied.

It's raining outside .. like crazy. Kind of peaceful.

WOW. How unexpected!

Mikey and Jay were over last night, and I thought they were staying for dinner. They left before I started cooking, and I had been emailing with Chuck all day, and I just shot him an email asking if he'd like to come over for dinner. He called back about 8:30, and said that he had just come in. We chatted briefly, and I said "well, eat something, and get bored and come over." So, he said he would.

He came over about 10:00, and had a movie with him - "Girls Will be Girls." We watched it, had a nice time hanging out. It was about midnight, and he got up to leave. I tohught I was going to get a chaste kiss goodnight, and he ended up staying until 2:45. We had a GREAT time, lots of talking and snuggling. We are supposed to talk again today.

I'm waiting on a tax client who called yesterday; I've talked to her three times today, and she should be here by now. After that, Travis is coming over, and then I have to run to Sam's to pick up a prescription for Jay. The LSAT student didn't show up, nor call, nor email. Bleh.

Just had an automated email from eBay telling me "congratulations on your first purchase from eBay motors." Scared me silly. I haven't mentally committed to buying that Impy, and I did put a bid on it, one that I feel confident will be outbid in the nearly four days left on the auction.

Had to go and check.

Well, where IS this tax client?

Oh!  I forgot!  I have a lunch date with Jarred, the bartender from EJ's on Friday!

.

WOW.  What a day.

I started off at 7:30 this morning; after having been up to 2:00 working on a tax return.  Got out of the rack, and started off by clearing email and so on.  Sent a clarifying email to my Fabulair "team" - telling them just where things were, and what to expect.  I'm starting a Fabulair blog tomorrow to keep people abreast of that - it's going to be private for just those who are participating, and those who are important, like Susan and Nicole.

SO, no more fabulair news here.

I cleaned ALL the ceiling fans today, cleaned the track lights, the tops of the doors, the laundry room, the kitchen floor.  Bought groceries.  Did tax work.  Did financial work.  Helped Mikey's boyfriend Jay out.  Set up a toll-free number for Fabulair.  Set up my Outlook Express to manage Fabulair email.  Filled up water jugs.  Paid for my new brake pads.  I'm exhausted!

Now, I'm too tired to work more.  I have a 10:30 doctor's appointment, a 11:30 tax appointment, the LSAT student coming for tutoring, and more work to do in the afternoon and evening.

At least the apartment is pretty clean.  Tomorrow, I still have dusting to do, and the bathroom floor to clean.  Whew!

Okay, I'm pretty tired now, and I have to reboot.  Hopefully, I'll have more in the morning.

seraflame00's Yahoo! Profile

The first morning of "Freedom." 

Haven't started WORKING just yet, but have clipped out a number of emails, and done some online work.  I'm waiting to hear from Lance; he said he's coming over this morning.  Taxes have to be done today, loans worked on.  Plus, I have to go through all this CRAP I brought home from the office, and figure out where to PUT it all.  Bleh. 

Okay, so Lance is coming at noon.  I can spend my morning doing cleaning and organizing, so that I have something set up here that makes this place look a little less disorganized.  Since he's not coming for breakfast, I'll have to whip up some oatmeal now.

I got the original window sticker for the '73 Impy that I found on eBay yesterday.  It ROCKS!  I think it's the PERFECT car for me (timing, condition, equipment, color, etc.)   You can check it out for a few weeks at:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2485571883&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT

Brent just IMd.  Today is his birthday. 

I'm thinking of buying a new Palm.  They're making it nearly impossible to resist.  If I sign up for a 12 month subscription with some audio book company (annual price of $160) they'll give me $100 off, plus they'll ship it for free, and give me a $50 gift certificate for more Palm stuff if I ship them my old one back (which gives me something to do with it - it's been a good machine these last five years, but there is no support for it anymore.)  If I buy it by Friday, they'll include 32MB memory card for free.  So, the net out of pocket price is $99, I can have a year's worth of audio books to teach myself Spanish and re-fresh my German, and they'll essentially FINANCE the other $100 of the purchase price.

Okay, Lance is here and we're going to get to work.  More later.  Brent's coming over to celebrate his birthday later.

 

 

Well, it is truly over.  I could tell this morning that it wasn't going to go well when I walked into the office and Rick was behind the office door with the door locked and the lights off - like he was going to catch me doing something.

Short story - he brought Lance and me into the conference room, asked us to air our concerns, we said we already had, he said that they were going to have us work on the consulting business making sales calls.  For commission.  Only.  That we'd have to split.

So, I pointed out that it was a 180 degree turn from what I had been promised to induce me to come aboard.  He nodded.  So, I said "no."  He looked at Lance.  Lance said "no."  We packed up our stuff and were back at my apartment by 10:00.

Later today, Richard wrote to me and asked if this was going to interfere with our friendship.  Uh, no.  However .. your boyfriend IS sucking you dry, and has it set up to totally screw you.

He read it, but hasn't responded.

So, the apartment is now crowded with "stuff" from the office.  Again.

Oh, just a footnote - this evening, Curtis (who hasn't been mentioned here in a while - the construction worker who got married to a woman who was supposedly pregnant with his baby) called today - he was on his way back from Freeport in his boss' truck - could he come over and hang out?  And then, could I drive him up past Tomball home (about 60km each way)  Uh, no.  So, it turns out that he doesn't WANT to go home, because she'll chew on him when he just wants to sleep.  I said "well, you're the one who married her.  Deal with it."

The married guy Brent dropped by again today.  He just needs to get a grip and deal with the fact that he's a big old fag.

A sweet big old fag who likes to play golf, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Okay, I'm out of ideas.  I have a ton of work to do tomorrow.

Douglas J. Hord

Douglas J. Hord

God, more bizarre dreams last night.  Exhausting.  I don't even really remember what they were about last night.

Walking the dogs this morning, I got to thinking that I really don't want to split fees with MJV anymore, so I went to the ProSeries website and ordered up a demo package.  Seems that I can buy my own copy with a license for 50 returns for $250.  Why, that's less than what I'd have to give over to him for ONE big corporate return!  I just don't know if I can qualify through the background suitability check for being an e-filer, but I'm sure I can figure that out.

I have to get into the shower in 15 minutes to leave for "work."  I really don't want to go, but Lance and I have agreed that we'll both show up this morning.  I'm not doing any more meetings, and I'm not doing any more sales presentations, webinars, demos, nothing.  No more.

Anyway, Eric has taken on, unasked, the project of converting my douglashord.com website to a non-flash site; I'll be able to host google ads there and have a bunch more content over on that side.  He also suggested a "martinimotorist" website .. another avenue for me to have more google ads.

I don't know how long I'll be at "work" today - could be fairly short, and me coming home with a box full of my stuff.  Wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest.

The bread's done.  I should hit the sack here, but of course, I'm not sleepy.

I was talking to Mike - this terrific guy that I've known about three years.  He moved to Phoenix a few months back.  I was his "first" back about three years ago.  He'd come over, we'd have GREAT sex, and then he'd vanish for months.  Then, he'd roar back into life .. for a few hours .. and then vanish again.  Not willing to talk to me at all.

Since he's been in Phoenix, he's been much more communicative.  He's gotten "into" being submissive, sexually, and he likes me to talk to him in that fashion.  Then, he'll go into these moods where he talks to me like I'm a dirty old man, only interested in him for something he won't and can't give.  He tells me that he ran from me because I expected too much from him, wanted too much, and he couldn't be around that.

So, today, he tells me that I've put a "curse" on him, that he can't find anyone to have sex with.  And that he's open to being my boyfriend.

Where's the valium?

Jennifer Government: NationStates | Divo | Rio Gay Dinero

FabulAIR -- Taking off shortly!

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JibJab

Baking bread.  I've accomplished little in the way of substantive work today; I still have to read for tomorrow evening's class, I have two movies to watch and send back.

Not a peep out of R&R this weekend.  Lance feels we should go in tomorrow morning, and see where things take us.  We're both committed to finding something else.

The church thing this morning went great.  I had no real "lesson" per se, I was just winging it.  I had no reference material, just was talking about how the freedom from worry (serenity) brought about opportunities and increasing our income to a level appropriate to our skill set and productivity.

Today, at lunch, I had a fortune cookie "Your professional experience is worth a huge fortune."

I like it!

In my post church nap period today, I had truly bizarre dreams.  I was wiped out when I woke up.  I was back in my high school (which was about six times the size of my actual high school) in the theater .. and running around from room to room .. for some reason, I think I was trying to find someone to have sex with, but it was just weird.  Part hunting, part running.  Anyway, there were these two guys that I met in a stairwell who were threatening.  I don't remember exactly what happened to the one, but the other .. well .. the police showed up to arrest him, and we were sort of engaged in sexual congress while the police officer was busy dealing with the other guy.

Then, I was in my father's house, which was across the street from Rick's house.  I kept going from one to the other.  Rick was totally threatening, and he kept screwing with my computer (shades of truth)  I was trying to get away, and I kept going to my dad's house for help, but he was busy with his wife and her friends.  Nicole kept trying to help me, but I felt aimless.

I woke up just .. stunned by it all.

Anyway .. that's the poop.  More in the morning.

 

Almost an hour before I have to jet to UTMB and teach cold from materials I haven't looked at in maybe three years.  Lovely.  Last night was INSANE.  I talked to Lance on the phone for more than an hour, found out that Rick is blaming ME for everything that's going wrong at the firm; they were my decisions, my recommendations, my inaction.. blah, blah, blah.

In talking to Lance, I realized last night that I've spent the last nearly seven years working for people for whom I had great responsibility, but no real authority.  John Frels, Judy, Valentine and now this.  Everyone expected me to produce everything, manage everything, handle everything, but they held the decision making power to themselves.

I was thinking last night (as I lay awake rolling things over in my mind) whether this was the big black hairy beast that my sister was hosing down in my dream the other night.  Certainly, Lance's presence in my life has made this pattern less tolerable.

Anyway, yesterday, I asked Scott Hardie if I could process loans for him (which I can do from home) and then, E suggested that I could handle his contract to process HUD records for public housing authorities.  It pays $1.85 a record, there are 50,000 records to input.  Or something like that.  Details at 11:00.

Not a peep out of R&R yesterday after the end of our unproductive conversation.  I had a mind to overnight my keys and my access card to them for Monday morning delivery.  I'm having lunch with Lance tomorrow to discuss our next moves.  Rick was glued to his side after the telephone convo, and was trying to paint me and Lance as the bad characters in this drama.  Lance (from his conversation with me) didn't give an inch, and kept tossing the scenarios back into Rick's lap.  However, Lance is pretty subtle, and I doubt that Rick would have taken in that he was having things put back on him, given his ability to blame others and never look at his own input.

So, I have a pattern, not yet fully identified (but I have until tomorrow morning to synthesize it and be able to do something with it) with lots of clues buzzing around.

Yesterday afternoon, Valentine was telling me that he couldn't believe that they would take advantage of me that way, at least HE treated me fairly.  I nearly spit out teeth.  In the conversation, he finally admitted that he had gone more than a year with me being on a fungible, undocumented pay promise, and that maybe I hadn't been treated properly.  I have written him an email, but haven't sent it yet.

I need to create a plan for myself, I guess.  I am so good at creating plans, and yet haven't done that for myself.

More later.

well, I just quit my "job" with Intelli-Source.

It's all about serenity, I guess.  I need to gestate on this some more.

Ah, the secret of success.  Get up early!  I woke up before 6:00 this morning, and instead of going back to sleep, I just got up.  It's 6:41 now, and I've walked the dogs, made the bed, vacuumed the bedroom, cleaned the patio windows, made coffee, read the paper, checked for new bank transactions, read my email, etc., etc.  Normally, I'd be still in bed contemplating whether I should be getting up just yet.

Another interesting dream last night.  I had a new house - which was really an old house, but newly mine.  A techie weirdo with 70's tastes and technology had inhabited it.  Like, in the master bedroom, every wall was COVERED with old telephones screwed to the wall.  A talking chicken, those old touch-tone phones in wood boxes, other figures, all cheek to jaw, covering all the walls, mixed in with electrical switches, distribution boxes, as far as the eye could see.  At first, I was overwhelmed by all the work to make the place MINE, at the end of the dream, I was checking through everything and deciding I could just pull all the stuff off the walls and sell it on eBay.  Anyway...

At the end of the dream, someone was knocking on the front door (I was living with a bunch of other people, well, housing them, actually, because it was clearly MY house) and someone was telling me that Lance had stirred up some big ugly scorpion thing, thinking it was a frog.  So, I went out into the front yard, and there was this HUGE black .. THING .. it looked like a movie version of an irradiated super-tarantula or something, with these big pinchers at its mouth - it was hairy, and it was chasing my sister, who was holding it off by spraying it in the face with a garden hose.

Anyhow, during the middle of all this, I was dreaming that I was wearing my fairy costume, and buzzing around the inside of some department store - flying, actually - it was hallowe'en, and I was dressed for that.  Or, was it Christmas?  One or the other.  There was this guy that I REALLY liked a lot, and he seemed to like me as well.  I kept trying to get close to him, and he was kind of receptive, and so my emotions went down THAT road - and then, he was buddying up with this OTHER guy, who was (in my judgment) cuter than I was, and I was feeling quite the lesser for it.  When I woke up, I was thinking "ah hah!"  THIS is the basis for my sentence (if you haven't done the ENTIRE Landmark/Forum programs, you'll have to ask me what this is) as it applies to men and dating.  So, now I have something to chew on there.

Oh, and in the middle of all THAT, there was this GORGEOUS (heterosexual and married) guy who was living in ths sort of refugee camp setup in the basement (little cubicles made up with plywood and curtains) who started an affair with me that was VERY rewarding.  Of course, he wasn't exactly available emotionally.  Fully.  Married, you know?  And I'm thinking "ah hah Ver. 2.01"  of the sentence and men.  I think I need to call Susan.  Or go spend a weekend with her.

Like this weekend.  THAT will work.

Okay, time to finish up this oatmeal, and get into the shower.  My opportunity to beat Rick into the office is fading.

20:40 and I JUST finished working.  I cleaned up the guest room, put files away, worked on loan files, made phone calls, sent off faxes, did emails.  I also scrubbed the bathtub (which I assert is FAR better than having sex with some idiot man who just wants his ticket punched) and the kitchen, pruned the house plants, had a meeting with new clients (who want me to run a TAB for God's sake.)  I hooked up the new trackball, put up Joe's computer (my old one,) put away books, files, dug through stuff that I needed to find, worked, worked, worked all damned day.

Vacuumed up the floor, changed vac bags, forgot to eat three times, have a ton of work lined out for tomorrow, still haven't reviewed the materials I'm teaching on Saturday morning, haven't STARTED to write my sermon from Sunday, although I've got some ideas.

BLISTERING headache.  I still have a full day's worth of work that needs doing, aside from Intelli-Source.

Had a dream about my sister this afternoon (during the should have eaten lunch nap) that made it clear I have some deep, foul, unresolved anger with her.  Time to let that stuff go.

The bed (filing table) in the guest room is STILL covered over, although it's much better than it was.  At least it's nice, ORGANIZED piles now.  Two tax returns, an FHA lender application, two credit files (well, three, but I'm thinking of sending one back.  Okay, well, FIVE) and the stuff I have to study for class on Saturday.  And the stuff I have to read for class on Monday.

Have I mentioned that I'd just love to take tomorrow off too?

The car needs waxed, Jackie needs to be clipped, shaved and bathed, I could really use getting these tax returns done, and studying for my class on Saturday.  Sounds like a full day already.

I wonder if my blood sugar will support me taking off tomorrow too?

Ah, Thursday.  Last Thursday, I took off to get caught up on work, and had to drive to Seabrook (which took all morning) then found that I couldn't really work on the tax returns, because I didn't have the print codes.  Blah, blah.  So, I called in "sick" today, and I'm going to get ALL caught up.  And cleaned up.  I am not going to try to get the car waxed, though, there is only SO much a guy can do.

It's SO nice and quiet here today.  I've realized yesterday that I'm packing my schedule in too tightly, and I have to give myself downtime away from everything just to keep re-charged.  So, I've started adding that into my schedule.

Travis called me yesterday!  He's such a cool guy - I hope I get to learn more about him.

Okay, time to finish the breakfast thing and get to working.

Wednesday morning.  The Brazilian is again beating me up about getting him a visa.  Every day, over and over.  The only thing he wants to talk about.  "Can you get me a sponsorship letter?"  "Are you going to get me a job there?"  He never asks me how I'm doing, except superficially.

What was I thinking?  That a man would actually be interested in me for me?  Get out the sharpie - time to cross out another one.

I feel awful today.  My blood sugar was only 56 this morning, two hours after I ate.  Below 60 is considered an emergency for someone who's young and NOT diabetic.  Lance got me some peanut butter crackers, which were okay, but now I'm feeling all hypo again.  I ran out of styrettes this morning, so I have to go home and pick some up to check again.  I think I'll stay home after I get there.

Stood up by four different men in three days.  I should just give up.

I want to be Fabulairing.

 

Tuesday morning - it's all about recruiting today.  I got here this morning at 8, which is a new record for me.
 
Forgot to set a reminder about my blood sugar, so I took it a half hour late.  It was 99, but it's hard to know what that meant about what it was 30 minutes earlier.
 
Working with the PC Recruiter program; it's very powerful, but you have to know the "magic" commands to make it work properly.
 
Can't connect to my PC at home for the second day.  Weird.  When I got home last night, it was online, and the software to connect to it was running.
 
Mickey canceled for tonight - I was expecting to hear that.  He got real quiet yesterday, so I figured it was coming.
 
Well, that just means I can do housework, study for my class on Saturday and work on other things.
 
Men SUCK.
 
I want to Fabulair.

Whither this blog taketh us this morning?
 
I was a busy bee this morning, taking out the trash, bringing in eight gallons of water from the car, setting up a big task list for today, planning the week out, etc.  Should have been up at 6:30 and I didn't get up until 7, so I was 15 minutes late for week.
 
Blood sugar today is 97, a very good number.
 
There is an extra $54 deposit in my bank account today; how strange.  
  
Had a phone call from the gate box at my apartment complex while I was seeing "Pirates of Penzance" with Nicole Saturday night.  A married guy I know, lives in Dallas, was in town, didn't tell me, came over for "servicing."  Wouldn't tell me last week he was coming, didn't leave a message.  What a creep.  I deleted him off my Yahoo list this morning.
 
I have the Mormon thoroughly frustrated.  He doesn't even want to talk anymore.  He's not working on his LSAT at all, but that's not my problem.
 
I'm supposed to be seeing Mickey tomorrow night to work on his credit, but he's not online today, which is a precursor for "I can't make it."  Again.
 
And I just bought new ceramic brake pads for Ruby on eBay pretty cheap.  :)
 
Okay, back to cranking on our business plan.  I'd rather be Fabulair-ing.

I feel like I have no clear idea of what I'm going to say in the morning, but I've been structuring it all week - I have my main ideas formulated, but my internet research today was fruitless - which means in the morning, I have to pull out BOOKS and search the INDICES and read.  Bleh.
 
I'm speaking on the "inevitability of the NOW" in the morning, tying quantum physics into our spiritual beliefs (which are NOT some pagan ritual, but soundly rooted in the Bible) and I have a basic idea of where I'm going to go with it, I just like to have some REFERENCES to support my statements.
 
Call me what you will.
 
I had the most bizarre dream I've had in .. well, a long time .. this afternoon during the post-teaching nap.
 
It started off with me trying to leave some place - it was dark, and there were steps that were treacherous and unlighted, and I kept having to retrace these steps .. and I kept losing my shoes.  I think that there has been an ongoing theme of losing my shoes for weeks, just haven't strung it together.
 
So, here I am, trying to get away from this place in the dark, and for some reason, it was like it was in my family's home town of Lake City, even though none of the locality was familiar.  Next to the stairs was this little sliding window in through the cinder block of the dark house, and I could see inside .. there was a very modest home in there .. not familiar to me. 
 
Anyway, somehow I was retracing my steps, and I was inside this funky place, and there were a number of people in it that I knew, but not from my life out here in reality.  Some of the people were talking among themselves, and some were paying attention to me.  All were mildly irritating.  One of the people was a chubby guy who felt everyone disliked him (probably because everyone DID) and he was sort of bouncing around doing stupid little things that were irritating.  And I kept losing my damned SHOES.
 
So, fat boy.  Irritating.  I kept trying to show him that it was his own behavior that was causing people to dislike him; that it was his own actions that he needed to be responsible for .. and he was like talking to a WALL.  (could this have anything to do with the Mormon who has been arguing against me all week about his religious beliefs - well, it's been more of a diatribe, as I won't engage in senseless argument)  Anyway, I lost my damned shoes AGAIN.  
 
So, I simply had to get out of there.  I hopped in [a car] and drove off.  Now, suddenly the surroundings changed from being Lake City (the little town that my family is from) to Grand Rapids (the city where I was born, about the size of Austin, Texas)   It was STILL dark, and I was trying to drive through downtown, which was very Batman (the movie) Gotham-like.  The police had all of the downtown streets blocked off, as someone was shooting a movie there, and I was blocked in.  Which irritated me quite a bit.  So, I cut across a plaza (around the cones) to get out of downtown, and there, the lead actor in the movie shot, was Bob Maddox of the Country Playhouse theater .. we were both surprised there for a moment, and I rocketed onward.
 
Except that I was back in the silly house, and the people in it were plagued by the fear that there was a wild animal loose in the house.  So, I looked through the house and there was nothing.  But, they insisted.  So, I looked again, turning on all the lights in the house, and there was a black lion hiding in the shadowy corner of one of the bedrooms.  So, I coaxed the lion out of the house (it wasn't acting very lion-y) and it started walking back and forth across the street on the sidewalk.

Except that then, it turned into a black bear like thing, and seemed more threatening, and the fire department showed up to deal with it.
 
Then, back to crawling up those damned steps in the dark, past the sliding window and the cinder block, which was now a convenience store, and they had M&Ms.  I was sneaking my hand in through the window to grab some M&Ms, and apparently, I had been doing this for some time.  SO, I had to go in for some reason, and I only wanted to buy a diet Coke with my debit card.  I thought that I'd just BUY some M&Ms to bring up the sales price to a more respectable level, and the woman charged me for SIX packages of M&Ms by mistake.
 
Hm.  Sort of cleared up my debt, huh?
 
So, I think I woke up around the time that the sales clerk acknowledged that she had made an error.
 
And I lay there, wondering what was all THAT about?
 
Any ideas?

Mid-week, morning, sunny - it hasn't rained since .. Sunday? Amazing. Ran around yesterday morning, paid the light bill, made a deposit, picked up a check ... got in about 9:05, and Rick was fit to be tied. He had Lance and I in for a little "meeting" to discuss our coming in from 8 to 5 - it was quite the clusterfuck. Everything turned out just fine, and we are more focused than we were.

Had lunch yesterday with Boris, which was wonderful - he's SUCH a great guy.

Worked hard yesterday, and then my "date" for last night said he wasn't coming. That's number four for him. He swears he wants to meet me tonight. Uh, busy.

Helped Luis the Brazilian with his visa application last night online for TWO hours, then he says he doesn't think I want him. Oh, God. So, around midnight last night, I was inspired, and wrote him that I was planning on losing 100 pounds - and sent him a picture of what I look like at the much reduced me. He, of course, professes to like old chubby guys .. we'll see what his reaction is today.

About to slam down the Mormon with the question "if homosexuality is a sin, why is it okay for you to use your sexual appeal to lure older gay men into giving and doing things for you for free?"

That should be fun.

Taking the day off from work today to - work. I have a bunch of tax returns that I must get in the mail today, and the other LSAT student is coming over at 6:30.

More later!

I DID IT!

I started watching a Netflix last night "Passenger 57" which was SO lame (am I predisposed to not like it because I decided based on the trailers back in 1992 that I'd hate it, or was it really just bad? Metaphysicians, you may weigh in now.) I was looking and Barney, his matted hair and how miserable he was, and I got up, grabbed the dog shears .. he's looking at me all "huh?" .. and I pulled his head guard off, then his collar, then he was REALLY surprised, and I started trimming all the clotted and matted hair off of him. He was VERY happy. Then, I grabbed the clippers, and lured him into the bathroom and shaved his back and belly - THEN, I put him in the tub, and scrubbed him three times. He was so happy. His skin (on his back) was all scaly, and when I scrubbed him, all the scabs and nastiness came off and his skin was just raw underneath. After he got out of the tub, he was much less anxious. I'll have to scrub him again in a few days.

Tonight is Jackie's turn.

I have to do a tax return that I started on last night, but must finish today. I'm picking up Guy this afternoon at IAH on his way home from Dominica.

I did a LOT of creative work on Fabulair last night. I have RFQs out for the logo and for photo shots of "personnel." I pretty much finalized the color scheme. Talked to the web developer last night. I have two local graphics artists to ask for quotes for a logo. I did more design work on the website layout and content. I asked Lance to help me create seat maps, and finalized the cabin layouts. Lance created the titles for me yesterday. I started nabbing images off the web that can serve as models for fleet photographs. I started making a list of people whose "endorsements" I want to get or buy. I'm going to approach RuPaul (whom my deceased ex-boyfriend was friends with) about being the "In Flight Fabulousness Designer." I'm going to approach Tom Filicia from "Queer Eye" about "designing" the interiors.

And, last night, I was thinking .. hey, if gay tour organizations can charter a whole CRUISE ship, why couldn't I put together an all gay "fabulair" charter to G&L Mardi Gras in Sydney?

And, guess who wrote up all the organizational documents for a travel agency back 12 years ago? Yep.

So. Now, I have to keep the pace up, start checking out ACMI operators, etc., etc. This is going to be a scream.

Also, last night, right after I got Barney dried off and re-hooded, the phone rings. It's Stevan, my dog groomer/house cleaner .. haven't talked to him in MONTHS. He has been sick .. again .. got fired from his job .. again. He was calling, though, because he hadn't seen me on Gay.com in weeks - and some people in the chat room were starting to gossip that I was DEAD. One rumor involved a heart attack, one a car accident, and the third a house fire. So, he was calling to see if I'd answer the phone. What a hoot.

Found PJ last night on Public Data. He's in TDJC until September 2005 - no release date posted. Holy cow. Apparently, his most recent brush with the law was aggravated assault.

Anyway, it's time to get to work - more later!

Monday, Monday .. I'm cutting class tonight to work on tax returns for clients, and to try to get more done at home than I already have. Blood sugar this morning was good, although I checked it late. I really need to clean up the dogs; I think that they are the source of most of my allergy trouble at home.

I woke up this morning at 4, 5, 6 and 7 .. I could have gotten up at 5:00, but by now I really would have been dragging. Bleh. I hope my sleep cycle isn't going haywire again.

Luiz from Brasil talked to me all weekend. He REALLY wants to move here. His job with Halliburton ended; I read that they were going to down-size their overseas staff, and two days later, his job ended. Amazing.

Guy comes home tomorrow afternoon.

Applying to out.com to be a contributor - we'll see where that leads. I can contribute articles about home ownership, travel, recruiting, whatever ..

I'm wrestling with the last of the business plan. Rick seems to be head down working on this job order we got in, and I think he's going to a hospital this afternoon to give them our presentation for review before our appointment with the big cheese.

On safari again!

How much fun was that. Saw Jarred .. he was his usual self. Mikey was a hoot. Worked Jarred over like a cheap nickel. Jarred apparently has a new cell phone - he gave me the number (which Mikey immediately tried, and it didn't seem to work) and I watched Jarred give his number to at least four other people at the bar in quick succession.

Uh, yeah. Sure.

Anyway, had a pretty good day. Nicole signed me up for membership with CPH, and I'm working on organizing the 21st Century version of the French Revolution there come November.

Picked out the color schemes with Guy for Fabulair - he had some AWESOME ideas for the elements of the website. Talked to Timmy from Thos. Cook airlines today; I told him he was going to be in charge of "in-flight" as VP of In Flight Fabulousness. I also realized I need to write to RuPaul and ask his permission to use his name as the "trainer" for the flight attendants.

I'm very excited about that project.

Other than that, had the boy from Brazil ask me again about a visa for him. Took a big nap, and worked with one of my LSAT students from last September - he's making good progress. The Mormon hasn't been heard from all day.

Ah, it's Divo the SCREWED again. Bleh. This morning, I had an email from the woman that I've taught with for 14 years; she got me in at UH-CL, where I've been a contract instructor for six years. She withdrew from our contract gig at UH-CL about two years ago, because she got a job with Rice U, and didn't want to make the drive down there anymore. At that time, I offered to teach her four modules. I've taught them before, I'm qualified to do it, and the students uniformly love me. My student reviews are TOP NOTCH. Always have been. And, the woman that they hired to replace my friend (with three years' experience) is getting paid 15% more than I am. I've never had nor asked for an increase. So, I have to address this issue soon, and ask for a hefty increase.

Looks like the weekend will be a good one, anyway. The Mormon is frisky, again, and I've slapped him down pretty hard.

Just took the most HILLARIOUS quiz on the liquidgeneration.com website. Check it out! My movie villain character is Jack Torrance from "The Shining."

Poetry.Com: Free Poetry Contest, Poems, Publishing, Links and Chat

Lockheed Constellation and Super Constellation Survivors

Airline History Museum at Kansas City

Jennifer Government: NationStates

AIRLINERS.NET - Bringing Online Aviation To New Heights

Douglas J. Hord

FABULAIR

The BEST thing! After six years of trying, I was FINALLY able to register fabulair.com today! I've been wanting to make a creative, functional, "paper" airline website for years - back in 1998, I got an email from my employer (Big Fag) and it was a scream. I expanded on it, turned it into something .. and, the web domain was taken.

I have had a placeholder website for years - http://www.geocities.com/paxton006/FABULAIR.htm

I'm going to be working on this very soon - it's going to ROCK. I found out today that my geocities webpage is #1 on yahoo for AIRLINES! It's #1 on yahoo for Fabulair, and Google pulls it up, too. 708 hits since I put it up, 53 in November, 2003.

Anyway, off to do some more reading of "The Body of Jonah Boyd." It just turned for the better.

Ah, a Thursday - the day before Friday, and the day before the weekend. I am to hear from Richard in a short while about whether I can expect to get paid this week - and how much, and I was just told by Rick that the hours here are 8 to 5. Uh-huh.

And, I still am scrambling to figure out how to pay rent and utilities - and then, there's the car payment due in just over a week. AND ..

So, this is starting to irritate me. Why did I think I could work for/with this guy?

Ugh.

Nicole called last night - a number of people at CPH are lining up to create an insurgent backlash against the "powers that be" there - she asked if I wanted to play. YOU BET! How fun is THAT?

I had a dream last night (which reminds me, I should write to Chris about it) that somehow, an unpubished script/score from a very famous author (actually, it was a 400 year old British author, I think, but who cares?) that we put on at CPH as a world premiere. We had spruced up the theater, replaced the carpeting and the seats, everything that Nicole, Nancy and I ever talked about. We had a full house, and ran it for MONTHS. It was cool, this dream.

I walked out on stage for a curtain speech, and it was like "I'm baack!"

Rick is meeting with the guy that we're hiring to replace the other Nicole.

Lunch with Jeffrey today.

Mikey wants to meet earlier tonight to work out, which could be good for me, since I have to work on the tax returns that are waiting for me. I have to extend my friend Scooter, and go up to Austin to pick up his tax work, and get started on THAT. (sighs)

After the weekend, Guy is going to work with Mikey and me to develop a work-out plan and an eating plan for the next two months. He used to be heavier than I ever have been, and he's down to about 210, but very beefy, with big arms and chest - I'm excited about that!

Okay, back to working on the business plan.

Another day with rain in the forecast.

Lance and I are about to run out for Thai buffet - hopefully, they'll have tapioca today - then, back to work on the business plan, then home to work out with Mikey, Guy is coming over for Bad Movie Night, and I have to work on this loan application for MJV's tax scofflaw client. MJV is already trying to think of how he can keep ALL of the money on the deal - I know how he thinks after all these years.

Well, my next talk in church is "The Inevitability of NOW" - focusing on the impossibility of actually being in the past or the future; from a physics standpoint, we can only be where we are right now. So, I'm back in the swirl, but this time, probably for different reasons.

Lovely. I find out last night that my new employer association can't pay me the promised monthly sum, and also, the one I work with every day is sulking in my general direction because I wasn't here this morning at 8:30. You see, HE was late (nearly the identical amount of time I was) and so he was expecting me to be here to "cover" things.

I had asked for a partial check for this morning, and Richard said he'd send it with Rick, who is now (I assume) withholding it as a sign of his displeasure.

I have a new tax client to meet at the apartment at 12:30, hopefully he'll show up.

We're supposed to have some word on whether we have our sales presentation tomorrow (the first one - the one we've been waiting on for weeks) but, that information has not yet come through. Frankly, if I have to make a living on the side from home, I don't know why I should bother coming in here and giving my time away.

Rick has previously told me that he feels I should have "something at risk" for my participation in this business; of course, he lives rent-free, expense-free, grocery-free, medical-free and everything else free on Richard's back - he has NOTHING at risk - I have to generate everything for myself each month "on God's good humor" as I put it.

(insert comment about self-righteous, priviledged Republicans here)

Well!

Independence Day - and I was BRILLIANT in church this morning! I had my epiphany about 11:00 last night while walking the dogs - everything I was experiencing was about my "sentence" (the Landmark description for the self-definition that one lives ones truth out of.) I was experiencing a lot of swirl, but I just wasn't getting it until Friday and Saturday, when I had all that STUFF going on with getting paid, and people showing up, etc.

I didn't do but the roughest of outlines on what I had to say, pulled about six quotes together from A Course in Miracles, the bible, the Science of Mind and Troward's essays.

Got to church about 9:30 - the Lutherans across the street had taken over the ENTIRE parking lot. Parked around the corner, was the first and only one there until about 10:00, by which time I had set everything up. We only had six today; but, I was BRILLIANT. I had EVERYONE talking, asking questions, posing situations, giving examples. It was GREAT. Afterward, Rosita (one of the other board members) said that she was so enjoying the little environment that we have created that she hated missing a Sunday! She loves the conversation, and what we're working on!

After church, drove home, changed, walked the mutts, and drove out to Mikey's to have lunch (yum!) and see Spiderman 2. That was fun. Then, a quick visit to Jarred (who was swamped - the only bartender working) and then to R&R's for dinner and QAF, which was very very good. After that, I scrubbed Ruby down at a coin-op car wash, drove home, wiped down the car, walked the dogs and now .. hopefully, I can get some sleep!

Tomorrow, I've decided to focus on getting some of the integrity back - waxing the car, grooming the dogs, working on some document projects .. that will feel just great.

I think I'm losing it. I know I'm having an anxiety attack - wow. A long time since I've had to deal with one of those. We interviewed two people today to replace Nicole, who just quit to take a job with a much higher base and health insurance. The afternoon was totally absorbed with that. We went to lunch at Miyako (which I hate) for Nicole's going away meal, and sometime around then, I started feeling like I was coming un-done. By the time we got to the second interview, I started having white spots, and feeling very light headed. My vision started to narrow, and I thought I was having a stroke or something.

After we over-interviewed the woman who doesn't fit into our team or need for an hour, we went back and talked to Lance about compensating him for July - he was fine with that.

And I didn't get paid today. Okay, I'm all about trusting in the Universe, and that things will work out for me without drama - but what the fuck is going on?

Was talking to Guy today, and learned through him that Jaecub (who earlier today told me that he was too busy this weekend to even think about meeting up with me) had asked him if they could get together this weekend. Okay, I can handle that.

But, why did I get stood up tonight by not one, but TWO guys?

So, I'm sure that everything has something to do with my Sunday sermon - "Declare your Independence" but .. uh, could we have a little revelation here? In a big fat hurry?

The Mormon (whom guy has taken to calling "the moron") has backed off about a country mile. Which is fine, when that boy busts out of the closet, it's going to be MESSY. However, I'm done supporting his LSAT effort.

I have to really focus on preparing some tax returns and getting all of my side job integrity into place tomorrow. For one thing, I'm going to have to figure out SOME way to cover my obligations for the 1st, and for another thing, I have to make sure I don't have ANY integrity issues outstanding in order that I can try to move through this.

So, tomorrow is going to be a VERY busy day for me.

Friday before the 4th of July. Nearly three full days of R&R - which include cleaning house, catching up on side work, grooming the dogs (oh, my - I MUST do that) and being profound in church on Sunday. It's going to be great.

"Fuzzy" (the man from Oklahoma who wanted to move in) has again dropped off the map after my telling him that I was not interested in hosting/supporting someone again. He backed WAY off and said that he only wanted to meet and get to know each other. But, he hasn't been calling since.

The Mormon is continuing to withdraw; which is fine. I'm no longer throwing baggage for other people. The 72 hours of peacefulness starts in just a few hours. I'm quite excited about it.

"Hot Pants" (as my friend Yvette used to call him) is dating someone - I hear through the grapevine. Ah, well. He was something when we were together, but .. I'm not throwing baggage for other people.

On Sunday, I'm speaking about "Declaring Your Independence." I'm about 30% through designing my presentation - I have some readings from Troward and from Emerson and Holmes to dig out - and I'm probably going to find something out of "The Course in Miracles." Basically, I'm going to talk about releasing the past - from a quantuum physics and mental standpoint -

I wonder if I clean up the dogs and the apartment, if my allergies will stop plauging me?

Going on Safari Saturday night - just for a quick "Jarred" hit .. nothing expected, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I could say a lot more about how crappy men are in general, but I'm sort of in mid-swirl with "declaring my independence," and I'm not clear how it's all going to shake out. Just a lot of emotional noise to be sifted through.

Ah, Tuesday. I may actually have a night OFF tonight. Our business meeting for tonight appears to have been rescheduled for Thursday night, and I could do something radical. Like trying to get caught up on my side work.

I'm the only one here in the office this morning so far - I just made some coffee, and I have to crack open our business plan and start working on it.

Class last night - again, I was left with the feeling that I've moved past the people who are around me - that they're at a level I was more than a year ago. It's kind of cool, but weird at the same time.

Everything that we were discussing about Troward last night made perfect sense to me; I was making connections on how the material inter-related, and the other people in the class were making connections about the material itself, and asking questions about how it related to basic concepts. It's hard to explain.

Fuzzy [the David from Oklahoma who wanted to come be my "house boy" more than a month back] called and IMd yesterday; seems he has another housing crisis. He called again last night after class, blah, blah, blah. I just know if I let him through the door, he's going to be "sticky."

Another day of scheduled rain .. my poor car. I need to make a run to Wally World at lunch to pick up more dog food and a few other things.

Well, I must off to my business plan..

Another rainy day - thundershowers all day. I don't remember this many consecutive days of rain and clouds since I've lived here.

I've got a slow start on today, for sure.

Missed a phone call from T last night - I can't imagine what he was calling about so late.

Had an email from the mormon last night asking me if I thought he was gay. As in "are you hitting on me?" I think I gave him both barrels. I didn't read his response this morning, I'm not sure I care to. I never did answer the question, either.

Saw "The Stepford Wives" last night with Nicole. That was fun.

Okay, I'm late, and I should already be in the car driving to work, so I'm off. Someone build me an ark with leather seats, a great stereo and a supercharger?

Another rainy day - have we woken up in Seattle somehow? Strange. It rained like crazy last night, and then overnight, and then this morning again ..

Worked out with Mikey last night for a while - did about five minutes on the stair master, and about DIED. I was so wiped out last night after he left that I sat down and fell asleep. For two hours.

Hm. Youngsters, don't let yourselves get out of shape. It's too hard to get it back.

Seeing a movie with Nicole tonight - "The Stepford Wives." "Farenheit 9/11" comes out this weekend, and I really want to see that. Michael the Peeler comes in tomorrow, and will be here until Sunday.

Got my hair cut today - YAY! I've spent my day reading articles to support our marketing effort, and now I'm about to pick up a book and start plowing through it to the same end. I have to start doing my reading for class on Monday, and I promised the Mormon that I would go through the Emerson quote I sent him and explain what the heck it was I was trying to say .. more work!

And, I have to run by the child care place, pick up their taxes and work on them this weekend. T is changing my spark plugs for me Saturday, and the parade is Saturday night. I've invited R&R to join us for the parade, and there's a chance they may actually do that.

I have two netflix movies that I haven't tried to watch, and another that should be there today. Yikes! And tomorrow night, a board meeting - so no movie watching then.

Somehow, this will all come together ..

Jejune. Wow. Class tonight was awesome. I hadn't read a THING (which I will touch on in a moment,) but still got a LOT out of the class using my tried-and-true approach of scanning ahead to the next passage, quickly reading the material we're about to cover, and then synthesizing with the ongoing conversation to say something brilliant.

Which I'm not committed to, in this pursuit, but it worked for tonight. Jesse (the minister) came up after the class was over, gave me a hug and said he was REALLY glad that I was in the class. That was cool.

And, tonight, three minutes before the class ended, I was able to find my reply to David (the Mormon's) relation of his spiritual beliefs (which are .. well. Yikes.)

I tried to track Jarred down today to encourage him to call Maureen the immigration attorney; without success. I left him a VM on the placebo number; perhaps he'll actually retrieve it.

Came home from my second effort at finding Jarred to find a whiny email from David (the Mormon) about my complaint yesterday at his statement that we could no longer hang out, only study. I was feeling all supercharged from my class, so I wrote QUITE the reply back. We'll see what that generates.

I've committed to starting walking with Lisa in the morning at 7:00 - yeek. And, tomorrow after work, I'm walking again with Mikey.

About that whole "declare your independence" thing for the 4th of July "talk," I'm cooking up some great ideas. Tonight's class was so LIBERATING. We distinguished that it's okay to have random disaster/illness/whatever fantasies - it's just like watching a scary movie. You can enjoy it, and then just shrug it off - it doesn't mean you've created that as reality.

And, we talked about being in the moment with things - like new relationships and new experiences - not mapping out the possible scenarios and pre-judging how things are going. About a world view that is either hostile (my heritage) or friendly (my developing trend.) It was just .. wow. Validating. I felt like I was again on the right path.

Earlier today, I started feeling like this new gig might run out of money before we hit some success, but after class tonight, I was able to put that all away.

More tomorrow .. hasta

Monday, Monday -

Had an interesting email from the Mormon (David) last night - he's no longer able to "hang out" with me, as his schedule is too busy. Probably for the best; he's going to be one tortured puppy.

And David (fuzzy) called several times Friday, looking to be rescued. No return phone number, and he stopped calling after about 15 minutes. Not persistent.

Got the kitchen swamped out, which was good, got all the ceramic ducks that Jenny gave me five years ago off the patio this morning, and went food shopping with Mikey on Saturday - blew the entire contents of my wallet at the Wal-Mart. So, my refrigerator is FULL of food, which is a wild rarity. Tomorrow morning, I'm scrubbing the bathroom, and then my apartment will be mostly clean. For a few days.

Michael the peeler comes in this week to work for Pride weekend. I've invited Larry down from Dallas, but we'll see where that goes.

I'm mentally preparing for my talk in two weeks about declaring one's independance. What should I declare my independance from? Hm.

Had a young man from Brazil send me an email a few weeks ago - he says he likes me; works for .. well, the big, nasty construction contractor that's in the news so much lately. Wants to come for a visit. Seems needy, but nice. Asked me if I'd help pay for the ticket over the weekend.

Uh, no.

I'm feeling blase this morning for no apparent reason. Just not my usual, skippy self. I'll survive.

Another rainy day in the sub-tropics. Not that I mind. I love it. Actually, we get more rain here (I've heard) than they do in Seattle, we just get sunshine in between.

I'm tired today so far. I have a few things to do, but nothing earth-shattering. Lance is cranking on our presentations, Rick is in a seminar until lunch, and it's very quiet here today. I have seminars tomorrow and Friday all day for my loan officer renewal. Oh boy.

I made David his own sub-folder in my Outlook yesterday. He's one of the few who gets to have all of his email archived. What does this mean? Nothing, of course. He writes me usually twice a day, and is very playful. Right now, he's engaged in an ongoing discussion with me about religious views, trying to draw out my thoughts.

At least he's interested enough to ask questions.

Walked on the treadmill last night with Mikey again. Had a few minutes at home, and then had to dash down to a board meeting in Clear Lake for the church. So, my house is a wreck, and I'm pooped. =) At least I have this Saturday "off."

Meeting with an attorney to help her craft a petition against the attorney general for mis-reporting of child support information on the credit bureaus. Interesting concept.

I could go home and lay down. Business meeting at 6:30 tonight .. maybe I'll try to sneak out of here a little early.

Another rainy Houston morning - it looks like it's going to storm again. The weather predicts that we'll have weather like this all week.

Rick is out this morning, and Lance and I have to create some metrics for our marketing. I have to terminate a guy this morning, and I don't know him very well, so I don't know how he's going to react. This makes me a little edgy.

Had my first "Roots of Science of Mind" class last night - okay, who knew there were so many people pursuing the Science of Mind teaching? 17 people in this class, which is an ADVANCED class. Last night, we were reading and evaluating Ralph Waldo Emerson, which is enough to make one's brain sit up and say "wait! huh?"

So, I have a load of reading to do to get caught up, I have a sermon to prepare for next Sunday, and board meetings tonight and tomorrow night. Thursday night, Guy is coming over to watch DVDs, and David is coming over Saturday evening.

Now that David has a computer, I'm hearing from him two or more times a day. This is a good thing.

I have to get some contracts written for Scott today, and I have to get some lawsuits written for Mitch soon. Of course, he hasn't quite gotten me all the details yet, but he's pressing for me to finish the writing. Okay, sure.

Bleh at the nasty office coffee this morning.

Nicole invited me to a movie last night - boy, it was tempting to skip driving ALL the way to the north part of Spring. Now that gas is so expensive, I'm driving more than ever. Bizarre.

I feel another poem coming on; this one based on the writings of Emerson (be yourself, be true to yourself, and don't try to conform) and romance in general. I'll let you see it when I get it done.

Another busy day - I have to work tonight on documents for side clients - I'm way behind. The weekend promises to be busy, too.

Had a great night with David last night - he's such a wonderful guy. Made spaghetii for him and for Mikey, hung out and chatted for hours, worked on some problems for the LSAT with him. I think he's coming back tomorrow evening and Saturday evening.

Walked with Mikey on the treadmill yesterday - okay, so that is something I need to get back to. I wasn't wiped out, but I was certainly not as fit as I was before Lisa had to stop walking with me. Lisa has suggested that we start walking in the mornings at 6:00, so that I can still make it to work on time. I think that's probably the direction I'm going to go.

Had an email from Jesse Jennings that said I could still join the Roots class that I skipped this past Monday. YAY! I have to take a two-day loan officer recertification class next week as well. Bleh.

Had a loan referral from Nicole today. (MWUAH to the beautiful Nicole) I have to hook up the fax machine at home tonight somehow.

Had lunch today with Mitch - he's just a nut. He wants to sue anyone who's crossed his path. What a character. He says he's coming over tonight to work with me, but I have a suspicion that he'll bail at the last minute, as is his pattern. What I really REALLY want to do tonight is to have a quiet night at home with the DVD player. I don't know if that will work out, though.

I love LOVE LOVE my new messenger bag that I bought on eBay. I've been eyeballing it for MONTHS, and when my old green cloth briefcase started falling apart, I found one that had no bids going into the last few hours, and nabbed it. It makes me SO happy.

We have a big proposal to work on for a local hospital; I'm wondering if we have the competency to actually bid the work. It's due in a week - bleh.

Another hour to go, and then home for the day. I'm feeling another poem coming on.

Rain, rain, go away - come again some other day.

And I'm not talking about the rain outside. That's fine. The rain inside my head is NOT helping me.

Had a decent evening with David last night. Of course, he and I get along like peas and carrots, so that was only to be expected. He loved all OVER my apartment - loved the colors, the furniture, the fabrics, the wall art, everything. He was very relaxed and casual - we chatted for most of the evening, and worked on LSAT materials for about 45 minutes. He never said boo about anything gay related.

Today, I'm working [again] on our business plan. I just feel stymied, but I'm slogging through. I skipped class last night, which was probably not the best idea, as I would likely have gotten some clarity on whatever this is that's kicking my butt. However, I did get the apartment cleaned up, which was good, and I can see my way through to finishing up the midtown tax office integration, maybe as early as tonight, in which my serenity will be regained at home.

Now, if I could just be equally motivated about grooming the dogs...

Mikey is coming over tonight to start our workout program. That would be a good thing, I guess, but I'm not all "shot in the ass" about it.

David (the other one, the fuzzy one from Oklahoma) has totally changed his communication patterns, now that he's in Houston. Perhaps he's no longer so motivated because he doesn't need a place to stay or transportation to get here.

Bleh @ men in general.

I think I'm in love with the new Mercedes-Benz E320CDI. It would be about the same amount of money monthly as having a boyfriend, it gets 27 MPG in the city, goes 0-60 in 6.6 seconds, and has a six year, 100,000 mile warranty. And, since it has a GPS tracker built in, I know it would never cheat on me.

Why is it that late today, I feel that my elevated mood over the last few weeks as been the sole product of a single emotional input source? And why is that seemingly so stupid and ridiculous?

I dashed home to clean up the apartment on account of David [the student] coming over. I should be headed to class at Creative Life church in Spring right now, but I just feel so not into it. I got everything picked up, even though what happened to most of the stuff was that it got tossed onto the guest room bed, which is overflowing with stuff from the midtown office, dusted, cleaned the bathroom, picked up the kitchen, put away the obvious gay publications, put all the files in the bedroom filing cabinet away, and generally prepared to repel boarders.

Why do I have it that David is going to react badly when he gets here and figures out that I'm gay? Why does it matter?

Tomorrow night, Mitch is coming over to work on his divorce suit, and some other issues, David is supposed to be back Wednesday night for more LSAT tutoring, and Thursday, I think David the fuzzy man from Oklahoma will be arriving.

I have to finish consolidating all this midtown stuff into my apartment, and clearing off this guest room bed so that I don't look like I'm living in a trailer. Most of it will easily be disposed of in drawers and the like, it's just about 30 minutes of work. Maybe if I get out of bed early enough in the morning. I also have to scrub out the shower/tub.

I need to re-center. I guess that I need to re-visit what I said I was moving away from - graduating from - in my last church sermon. I'm sure that has something to do with the general state of "yuck" that I'm feeling.

I guess that's it for this post.

Happy Monday morning to you all!

I am beginning my first full week at R&Rs office - gradually bringing things in from the car, which has a full-ish trunk of office related stuff. I have to spend my week working on business plans, and proposals for bid opportunities.

The weekend was fun, but different. I taught all day Saturday, then had Mikey over to reconfigure my new computer. The apartment is a wreck. But, we got the new computer totally up and running, which is great. I have Mitch coming over tomorrow evening, so I have to clean up my place pretty darned fast, and I have David (from Oklahoma) coming sometime soon, and David (the student) coming over for tutoring Wednesday night.

The pressure is on. And I start my new Science of Mind class tonight.

No safari this week. Maybe no safari next week either. Interesting.

Got moved out of the old office, and MJV moved EVERYTHING (including the carpeting) out yesterday.

Nothing grand to write today - more will follow!

Black diamond eyes
A smile that lights
the dark corners of your soul
Tall, lean, long, graceful

Universal obsession

Old men, young men, pool hustlers
lawyers, blue collar, blue blood

All line up out of hope

A nod brings warmth
A smile, relief
A wink lifts the spirits

Every night a seething throng
waits their turn
for any attention that may
come their way

Everyone made to feel special

But only one
Really is.

Copyright 2004, Douglas J. Hord

Friday evening, and the first time I've skipped the gay.com-a coffee event in weeks. I didn't leave the office until 6:00, and by the time I got home, got the dogs out and so on, it was time to go over there and I just flat didn't feel like it.

The weekend is upon me, and my weekends have been so much more fun than in years. Friday nights have become social, albiet with the gay.com girls, and then Saturday mornings with Mikey and the Ben Breakfast at Barnaby's. Tomorrow at 11:45, I'm picking up Judy at the airport, and we're going to knock around until it's time for Safari. I have to transcribe some poetry tomorrow morning, and I have to work on my "lesson" for church on Sunday. I've already planned it out, so I just have to make some outline notes and be prepared. And dig up some quotes.

This weekend's challenging question is - do I give Jarred a gift? Two gifts? I have started writing a poem for him .. which I referred to two nights ago. I picked up this really cool little foilo to transcribe some poetry into (it's all in the archived blog, folks) and I've decided to call my nascent collection of poems about men "Deep Smit." Which amuses me. Jarred's poem is going to be titled "Universal Obsession."

Worked with Rick today for six hours. Got some things done. We set up a merge document for the full service recruiting side that we'll start sending out every two weeks. That's a cool thing. Did a bunch of projections on our a la carte side, and that's starting to look even more promising than before.

My house is no where near my normal standards of "clean." With Judy coming in, I was torn between cleaning it up for her, or waiting until her whirlwind leaves and cleaning then.

I have to get my car cleaned up tomorrow. Yeek! It's just disgusting. I'm going to see about the state inspection and an oil change, too.

Well, that's the update. I'll write more about how my sermon on graduation goes.

Howdy! Time for a big ol' blog blob. It's nearly been a month, and there's a lot going on. How about we start with headlines?

THE DIVO GETS THE CALL!

R&R CONVINCE THE DIVO TO CHANGE CAREERS!

THE DIVO ONCE AGAIN WRITES POETRY BECAUSE OF SOME MAN HE CAN'T HAVE!

How was that for a teaser?

Okay, so I haven't looked at Jarred's picture (except for the one that I made the wallpaper on my Sprint phone, which I can't really avoid all that much) in two days. Who's Jarred, you ask? Why .. he's the bartender at this nasty, trashy, sleazy dump of a bar that I've been going to for more than a year because he flirts mercilessly with me. And because my friend Mikey can try to pick up street hustler boys, which makes him happy. I'm happy, Mikey's happy, everyone's happy! Last Saturday, Mikey took his digicam to the bar and snapped a picture of Jarred - which he emailed me. Now, it's EVERYWHERE. We're going back "on Safari" this Saturday. I know it's just pointless, meaningless flirtation, but there's a LINE at the bar of men jockeying for Jarred's attention, and he pays most of what he doles out to me. Several other people have noticed this, so it's not just a random fantasy of MINE. Although, I'm quite skilled at that, it seems. Jarred's birthday was a week ago this past Monday, and I'm waffling as to whether to acknowledge how much gladness he brings me with some sort of gift. Well, heck, there's a gift that's already in a box, but I'm having second thoughts. I'm thinking of hand writing out all of my poetry (about boys) in a nice sort of a folio thing, and writing one for/about him and giving him THAT.

Now, what was our next topic? Yes, I'm leaving the loan shark business and moving back into HR Recruiting. I've already started splitting my days between the one and the other. The afternoons - they're great! There are people to work with, people to work with things on, and things to be created and done and thought up and things. I love it! It's so much better than pushing paper. I'm not really a salesman anyway, so my abilities to bring in lending business were more because I'm a great networker and problem solver that people trust and rely on than going out and hauling in new leads. I should be fully transitioned in June. Which means, no more walking to work. No more sleeping until 9:00. No more part-time work. Hm. I'm enjoying the change, though.

And, yes, I have received the call. Which call, you ask? Why, the one that tells me what the heck it is I'm supposed to be doing on this silly rock, of course. I've been wandering around for the last nearly 30 years wondering just where I fit in. Most of the places I've tried to fit in were places that I was told I should pursue, or thought I wanted to pursue. I never really LOVED anything passionately, and I'm just not ever going to put myself deeply into something that I don't really love to do. Professional singer? Tried it, no. Lawyer? Tried it, no. Mortgage broker? Nope. BORING and way too stressful. I produced musicals and variety shows. Nice, but didn't keep me up at night, excited and thinking about what I should do with it. I've taught college for 17 years, and that's been okay. I'm tired of teaching the same material over and over, though. However, our minister at church (which I have attended sporadically over the last few years, but which classes I have soaked up as fast as they could offer them) has taken a six month leave, starting the day that I accepted a term on the board of directors. Sneaky, wasn't that? So, the other [two] board members and I agreed to take on the running of the church while she was gone. And, the first Sunday that she was gone, I was on deck. I had already agreed to "give the talk," before she revealed her plans, but I found that I was responsible for the WHOLE shooting match. And, I wasn't in a class (that she taught) that I could regurgitate back to those assembled.

WOW. I was awake most of the night, mentally preparing. Nervous? No. When you've roller skated into a restaurant dressed in a bright red fairy costume, tutu and wings, getting in front of people doesn't exactly ring your chime. However, I was so turned on by trying to create a linear POINT to everything I had in mind, and making it vibrant and real and interesting ..

Got up Sunday morning (way before my normal 9:00 roll out) and was at church (25 miles away) at 9:30. It was BRILLIANT. Then, just last Sunday, I did Ver. 2.01. Spoke about "Victim Consciousness." Again, up all night (well, after two and a half hours of Jarred flirting with me, and then mentally structuring my "talk," I got about three hours of sleep) and when I got back home around 1:00, I was too jazzed to nap. This Sunday, I'm speaking about "Graduating to the Next Phase of Your Life," and I already have everything planned out. I just have to look up some quotes that go along with what I have in mind. My long time friends have been astonished at how turned on I am after I leave the church, and my overall mood as skyrocketed.

So, I'm going to be a minister. It's going to take five years, and $25,000.00. I'll have another degree (this one a Master's of Divinity) and right about that time, our minister will be ready to retire ..

I'm jazzed. I finally feel like I know what I'm here for. It combines everything that I love doing - performing, organizing, writing, thinking/creating, and teaching. It's an amorphous task - cooking up something new to say EACH WEEK that's relevant, interesting, linear and a contribution to people's lives.

The response of the members of our [very little] church has been very positive. VERY positive. They LOVE me and what I say. I'm so happy about it!

Well, that's the Divo update. Thanks for having a look.

Well, it's almost May. I managed to skip March, and not write anything.

Lance just bought a car - after nearly six months without one. I hope this makes him feel much better. It took lots of creative positive energy on my part - he was feeling VERY nervous and negative about the whole experience. It took them about 25 minutes to come back and say that they had accepted his price and down payment, and that the monthly was something he could afford. Very nice.

I just haven't felt at ALL like working. UHCL classes start up again in two weeks - five Saturdays of getting up and schlepping my way to Clear Lake before 8:45 in the morning. Which means I'll not be able to breakfast at Barnaby's and ogle the really cute waiter we've discovered.

Haven't been hunting for Jarred the South African bartender in about three weeks. I think that Mikey has promised me that we'll go this weekend. I have to do some serious apartment cleaning this weekend, too. I'm way behind.

I've "come out of the closet" with my desire to become a minister - I've started the course work, and I have approximately five years to go. It's another Master's Degree, and I'll be about 51 when I'm all done.

The loan business has been DEAD. I've done three loans this YEAR, I normally need to do three a month. Tax season sucked [for me] because I make so little money doing taxes. We haven't been out marketing the loan business for months - we're going to re-start that tomorrow.

So, I've been hiding out. A fugitive. I've had Judy at the apartment, followed by Michael for nearly ten days - pandemonium. The stress has been impressive.

Still no one to write poetry for. Jaecub is sleeping his way through gay.com, and I kep hearing about it. He doesn't speak to me anymore.

Ah, nearly a week gone by. This day started out all sunny and gorgeous, but the clouds have rolled in. It's probably because I must either work on some unsavory tax returns or work data mining some court reviews to do marketing. Why or why do I not have a slave to do this work for me? (grins)

Well, Jaecub stood me up. On Valentine's Day. Which means - bleh. I was quite unhappy. I saw him the other night - had to drive out to get him and bring him back. It was unsatisfactory, seemingly for both of us, since he's no longer responding on instant messenger. I think that one has run its course.

However, the whole experience (along with some others) has me looking at why I've been stood up SO much in my life. Of course, that brings one right back to one's self. So, I'm working on that layer of "the onion" now. Bleh.

Had some interesting conversations yesterday about the toxicity of Aspartame and the addictive qualities of Diet Coke. Yikes!

Well this afternoon must be about creating new business. I'll be focusing on that, which involves actual WORK.

Met a wonderful guy yesterday on gay.com - wow. Our conversation is awesome, and we'll see where things go.

Cold!

I'm spending a quiet day at the office, talking to prospective tax clients. Had a grad student from Buenos Aires come in asking about filing taxes on an F1 student visa. He has eight total friends who need their returns done.

I'm also surfing through old floppy diskettes that I discovered last night when looking for the phone manual for my friend Mikey. I found a few dozen old marketing flyers and documents that I did up when I was working in the mortgage business prior to 2000, and my diskette of internet "favorites" - awesome!

Tonight, I'm having the first real date with Jaecub. He's coming over, spending the night and we'll have quiet time together. I'll be making spaghetti, as I'm broke until payday on Monday. Unless my teaching check comes in today, and I can go cash it somewhere. It really doesn't matter - I'm good for taking care of him until tomorrow.

Have a big loan application tomorrow - and it seems like I may have a home for it. One lender called me back late last night and said that they wouldn't pass it up until they had the loan details.

Other than that, I should be working on a new douglashord.com website, and I haven't done a thing about it. Perhaps I'll spend the next hour doing that.

A sunny day, finally!

I'm sitting here, waiting for the errant tax client to stroll through the door this Saturday afternoon. I have some marketing work that I could do, and I can tidy up the office. That will take fewer than 30 minutes, so .. what to do until then?

I actually told someone that he should do the Forum last night. I don't know what came over me. I had another friend that I have been THINKING of recommending the Forum to, but ..

RC, the man that I like so much, is moving out of his home with his "other half" next weekend, and into his own apartment. He says that the relationship is over, but he and that guy have done the on again, off again thing several times over the last few years, so I'm not holding my breath.

And I had a "date" set tonight with "Eduardo," who is now out of communication. So, I'm not holding my breath on that one.

I spent some time actually talking to JW in Tulsa. He's just lost. Lost, frustrated and defeated. He's the one I told should do the Forum. I like talking to him.

Should have my internet connectivity re-established at home tomorrow. WHOO HOO. Using my Sprint PCS phone - taking a page from my friend James' experience. Cuts my monthly obligations by $140, and hopefully will lead to re-organizing the guest room. I spent hours clearing out the drawers and such last weekend, and now, it's time to move the furniture around. I'm going to get the computer out of the corner where it lives now, and get the dresser out of the closet where it's lived for the last three years. I'll have all the wood furniture lined up against one wall, though, unless I come up with some brilliant new furniture arrangement for the room. Not having to accomodate the computer desk and bicycle will make a difference, though.

Larry is coming to visit next week, which is great - I haven't seen him in a while.

And Matthew from Austin sent me some pictures of himself today. Interesting. I wonder what's on his mind?

Hm. I think I was in a bad mood the last time I blogged. Since it's been two months, I guess that also means I haven't had this on my mind, either. I've taken up the notion of coming back here a time or two, but haven't.

An update:

"Self Mastery" is completed. It was a great course. Yvette and I are looking for more courses to take at the Creative Life church in Spring [TX.] We both are interested in becoming religious science practitioners.

My blood sugar is pissing me off. My friend Lisa's pregnancy got to a point where she isn't allowed to go walking any more, and I've stopped exercising. Ah, well. I'll get back to it.

I have been greatly enjoying working with Lance. He's awesome. We're starting to have success with our marketing.

I'm still engaged in conversation with RC, for whom I wrote the poetry back around Nov. 5. He's "thinking" about moving into his own place. He's a mess. I still like him. I haven't seen him for nearly six weeks, and he's stood me up a time or two during that period. Why would I keep talking to him? I don't know. Just when I have decided to cut him off, he does something that suggests he truly is interested. Still, I'm not making any more offers to him.

I've been talking to this very nice lad from Tulsa - very handsome, very erudite. Not the best at communication, but it's all good.

Boris the waiter just stopped by - his visit was interrupted by business. I did tell him that Lance and I wanted to take him out for a few beers, which he was agreeable to.

Tax season is upon me, and my circle of friends coming to me for tax preparation is increasing. Hopefully, it and my circle of referring realtors will continue to expand.

No new poetry, not since RC stood me up in November.

I'll be better about keeping up these posts.

Okay, so it's been three months. Maybe there's just been nothing worth writing about.

Work is work. Lance [my new working partner] is awesome, but it's all just conceptual still. There's no business. Michael [the owner of the business] would still rather drink beer at Hooter's than talk to me about developing anything there, and until that changes, it's all just mental and emotional masturbation.

I'm taking a class through church again - "Self Mastery" this time. I'm beginning to think that this, like Landmark Education, like everything is more mental masturbation. It gives one a veneer of control, of self-direction, but it's all just bullshit. I don't know [tonight] if it's worth finishing the course.

Stood up again tonight, ver. 3.01 with this guy. Tonight was a work excuse. I don't care if he's the ONE that God has intended for me from the beginning of time, I'll never speak to him again. What a shithead. I wrote TWO poems about that boy, too.

Let's reproduce them here, shall we?

First, was this one - entitled "Jaecub" - my first indulgence in haiku

Sparks fly - new love meets
The thoughts of perfect forever
Fear and hope collide

Will lovers survive
Baggage - new uncertainties
Risk unbearable

Know what is vital
Love does happen at first sight
Strength brings perfection

Then, there was this one - entitled "the empty wine glass"

My apartment sits
just as quietly lit
as any other evening

In a neat row
in the bar's soft glow
stand four red wine glasses

Bejeweled
Confident
Bewitching

The soft whine of machines
A calm background achieves
Yet my home is far too silent

The one I think of most
is on another coast
and my wine glass must stand empty

The frustrating heights
Seven more nights
Before I fill my glass

And learn what fate has for me

I"ll tell you what fate had in store for me - another dry fuck after a promise of happiness.

I'm walking six miles a day, and have radically cut back on my food intake - can't seem to drop weight.

Is reality a fucking joke or what?

All of this on top of health issues with NO health insurance, and no way that it's coming into my life unless I win the lotto soon.

Yeah, it's a joke. It's a joke in which you are repeatedly given the impression that things are going to work out for you, and then the rug is jerked out from under you at the last second.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Fire! Flame! Conflagration!

Quick! Someone pass me the ACME anvil!

Payday, and supporting bois who should still be living with mommy

Mercifully, I had a little paycheck today. My larger commission check will issue on Tuesday, but that's pretty much already committed. I'm still waiting for my paycheck from UH-CL, which isn't yet overdue, but is past the normal time that I would have gotten it.

Spent my tiny paycheck on gas, car insurance and groceries. And Robert. I didn't give him much money, only about ten bucks, but he did demand fealty. He's off on the bus to apply for a job at Katz' [Katz' never closes!] then, later, I think he's going to Mingalone, a place he's waited tables before, to see about a job and an old paycheck there.

Robert being the boy from Arkansas. Who could give my friend E [from Vancouver] a BIG run for his money drinking vodka. Robert went through 1.75 litres of vodka between Saturday afternoon and Monday afternoon [48 hours.] When he wasn't hoovering up the vodka, he was sleeping it off. Very enrolling.

Eric still drifts in and out; I hardly see him [or my computer.] He's supposed to start paying rent a week from tomorrow, although there is a fair chance he'll move in with Walter, another gay.comicon. Walter doesn't have a bed for him, though, so he may stay here a while longer.

Agreed [in principal] with Michael today to work for him two days a week in Seabrook doing legal work. He pays me $25/hour for that, but I'm going to insist on 8 hour days if I'm going to be traveling down there. He has enough legal work to make it happen; he just needs to let me do [all] of it, and review and then sign things.

I feel rather like Wile E. Coyote - I keep getting banged with the big ACME hammer, but I keep going back for more.

Buffy, Ver 4.01

Finished watching Buffy season four last night - boy, it was great! I missed all this entertainment for seven years, deciding in advance that it wasn't worthwhile, and not knowing that it was something awesome.

Along the same vein, today, the boy from Arkansas is supposed to be arriving by Amtrak. Of course, the world's most gullible human gave him the train ticket. I could tell where things were going as I recited the reservation code to him - his friend [who was taking him part-way to Little Rock to get the train] showed up, and he got off the phone without establishing that I'd pick him up, that he'd look for me, etc. My feeling was confirmed as the day wound on, when he didn't call me. Today, he's on the train [right now, the bus connector] to Houston, and I'm wondering - should I go to the train station to pick him up? What is his plan? Is this another youngster who's just scamming what they can?

Been working this afternoon on amended tax returns for a client who walked in. Have a woman who mailed me a new loan application, but I'm not sure about whether I can do anything for her.

My [very young] friend Steve is coming to see the show tonight. I think that Lynette [my friend who directed me in this show the first time] may be coming tonight as well.

Another Monday

Had dinner with Dr. John last night. Very pleasant evening; lots of great conversation. I skipped the theater's annual awards show (which was late six weeks.) The bitter part of my heart won out; the show/event was a flop (as compared to what I had built it into.)

I was just exhausted yesterday - this show takes a lot out of me.

Chris was very complimentary of me Saturday night, but told me that some people at the theater still think I'm there to cause trouble. Very disheartening.

Found a gorgeous 1971 Impy online today -

Also found [after years of searching] a triple black 1973 4-door Imperial. I just wrote and asked for pictures.

Tonight, I'm going to work at de-dogging my apartment - it's just coated in dog dander and hair.

Talked to Dr. John last night at length about how he transformed his body. It sounds interesting. I may have to do something like that. I've decided to spend this week on an apple fast - try to clear out my system some. It's been weeks since I've had any alcohol at all; now I have to see about doing something like he did for myself.

I just wonder if I'm really cut out for sales/marketing. Hmm. That's what is occupying my thoughts today.

28 days after ..

My friend Kurtis took pity on me today and took me out to dinner and to see a movie [which is identified in the title to this blog.] He's just the nicest man; don't confuse him with Curtis, who's got different issues.

What a movie!

Anyway, it's about time to walk the mutts and think about getting some sleep, so I'll just note that I got the insurance crisis fixed, and am on to the next dilemma - the loan investor who doesn't answer the phone.

Cheers!

Some days, it just seems that you'd be better off serving coffee at Starbucks

So, today, I've been running around trying to get insurance solved on this file that should be funding [paying me money] today. The title company tells me one thing, the insurance agent another, and the lender something else entirely. And everyone's telling me that they can't do it that way.

Thus, I'm frustrated and have a headache.

I'm starting to work on getting my law license reinstated, and running into nine year old roadblocks there as well. I'll have to go down to the courthouse, probably on Wednesday, to work on that some more.

In betwixt and between phone calls about this insurance issue, I get a phone call from the Upshur Country [TX] jail. Um .. that's where PJ is.

So, I answered.

Guess what! He wants money. (rolls eyes) He's been in jail for three months, but didn't want to tell me what it was for. He's coming back to Houston sometime soon.

Oh, my.

Okay, so I've been busy with the show and everything ...

The show opened, and it's going very well. I was starting to hear some compliments on my performance; I still feel [to a considerable degree] like a total outsider at the theater that I helped run for five years. No rehearsals this week - so no theater commitment until Friday night for the new performance.

Not starting the new dream job tomorrow morning - if you didn't hear, they [Ameriquest] decided to close the Houston office rather than move into their new suite. Very strange. No word from BofA or Countrywide on their level of interest, if any.

I did buy some new work clothes to go with the dream job, and for interviewing purposes. I feel a whole lot better about myself [and more motivated to work] when I get a little cleaned up and dressed up.

Working on midnight again, and the putative room mate is not yet home. He goes out about four nights a week. I call him "putative" room mate, because he's staying here for free, and I'm having flashbacks of ALL the people I've let hang out in my "extra" bedroom(s) over the years.

Nat came over today, and we hung out watching movies. I need to go grocery shopping in the WORST way.

Two days to payday.

Picked up the cell phone from Curtis, and got him to take nearly all of his clothing a week ago. Waiting to borrow Buffy Season Four from my friend James.

That's about all the news that's news. More in the morning.

Mid-day update ..

Well, my divorce client's loan approval was on the fax this morning when I came in - very nice! I have some legal files to work on, but I'm so DAMNED unmotivated.

I feel like going home and having a nap, then baking some bread. I should stay here on the off chance that someone calls. I sit. I wait.

I wrote a new poem, I'll post it when I get home. I think I'm also going to pull my computer apart and find out why the printer won't work. Oh, yes - and the filing.

My friend Dave just sent me a link to an airliner parody website. Now, I have something to do!

A month? It's been a month?

Well, I guess ..

A fine Friday morning here; I have a new loan to work on when I get into the office, and I have some other work to crank out today. I have to manage my work flow, or I'll run out. If I run out, I don't even like going over to the office.

I have a totally free weekend - amazing! Rehearsal for tonight was cancelled, the Pride parade is tomorrow evening, but other than that, I have totally got nothing scheduled. I do want to go to this new loft complex over by the ballpark called Alexan lofts, and check out an apartment that I may want to move into around Christmas time. But, I so love my apartment now - it's just the right layout and size for me, and its location is primo.

My new job starts in just three weeks. Well, two weeks from Monday. I'm nervous about telling Michael that I'm leaving, and trying to figure out a way to break it to him that he doesn't go ballistic.

I have one and only one project for the weekend - to catch up on my filing here at home. I have everything in orderly piles next to the filing cabinet, and now, it remains for me to create the file folders, type up the labels, and put everything away.

I had a dream this morning about my "friend" Jenny, with whom I have strife from time to time. In my dream, I called her on the phone and she was still sullen and crappy - and I told her how the cow ate the cabbage. It was kind of a fun dream, actually.

Still wondering how I'm going to pay rent next week, since I haven't had any loan closings since early June. I have some money coming in from different sources, but will it all add up? Talking to this guy about rooming with me for a few months while my income gets ramped up - I emailed him last night, but haven't heard from him just yet.

Other than that, there isn't much to tell. I'm wondering why my car payment hasn't been deducted from my checking account just yet. I think I've lost a few pounds. Hm. That's about it.

I'll have more to say in the morning, I hope - thanks for waiting.

Divo ...