Sunny days in YVR

So, firstly, we have to lay down and pay homage to Buhzilly who not only took me on a tour of CO ship 014 (Peter Max aka Mad Max) last night, but who got me upgarded on my flight up here last night.

They said that the flight was four hours and five minutes, but we left the gate at 8:38 and arrived at 11:07 and there were two hours consumed by time shifting, which by my way of counting is five hours. An agreeable flight, but very bumpy (not airline control issues) and they played the movie "Finding Neverland" which was charming.

The YVR airport is STUNNING - it's gorgeous, well thought out, peaceful ..

Of course, coming in at midnight, I didn't have a chance to see much. E's condo is lovely - LOVELY. We stayed up until about 2:00 nattering, and then went to sleep. It's a gorgeous, sunny day and we're about to run out and see some things.

The boy told me last night on the phone that he loved me. Wild.

Friday to YVR

Another sunny morning in H-town. Dinner last night was very nice; Debbie is such a terrific woman. I took her all the way into the gayborhood to Baba Yega, and she ran into John Frels there - whom she remembered from my 40th birthday party six years ago. That was fun. We sat on the front patio there, had a few cocktails (well, at least they were priced like cocktails .. after having had Jarred libations for the last few weeks, anything that doesn't induce blindness doesn't taste right.) The food was agreeable, and we (mostly I) talked about a lot.

Jason called several times - first to ask if I had bought him his concert ticket for the weekend (which started me to spinning) and then second to ask if I was still coming to see him, as I was running quite later than I had said.

EJ's was weird last night; Jarred was there, not working, DRUNK off his ass, mugging down with customers (men) and then stumbled out to try to drive home. The people who work there are damaged goods, man.

Have to get cleaned up and drive over to the college. An hour in each direction - that should be fun.

I feel like I've dropped some weight - I don't know. I wish that the yoga thing with Lance would work out.

Not in a pretty mood this morning; I feel like I'm making the same old mistakes about men, and I feel like ..well, blah. Working with a specific issue that's haunted me for nearly 25 years, and I'm feeling cranky about it.

Making me think. But does it make me feel?

I walk along right next to you
You seem to know just what to do
Your body tries to infiltrate
Our privacy it's hard to wait
Easy darling you can't ignore
All of the reasons that I love you for
The way we cook, the way you win
When you want to love me I just must give in.
Try not to break me baby you're so strong.
You mightn't think so but I know, you're so strong.
You picked me up and took me home
Straightened me out but didn't leave me alone
The way you hug the way you kiss
I don't know how much more I can take of this.
Try not to break me baby you're so strong.
You mightn't think so but I know, you're so strong.
I walk along right next to you
You seem to know just what to do
Your body tries to infiltrate
Our privacy it's hard to wait
Easy darling you can't ignore
All of the reasons that I love you for
The way you hug the way you kiss
I don't know how much more I can take of this.
Try not to break me baby you're so strong.
You mightn't think so but I know, you're so strong.
Try not to break me baby
Try not to break me baby
Try not to break me baby YOU'RE SO STRONG

sassy 

Jason - the boy 

Thursday afternoon

Successful Fabulair meeting today. I am nearly ready for the trip to YVR tomorrow.

I'm still playing tax man, and other little gigs are coming in right and left, which is very cool. E is signalling that he's stressed out, and my visit isn't helping.

Dinner tonight with Debbie, my sister's partner, which should be great.

I heard from this wonderful young man today - someone I met nearly four years ago on a flight from Houston to Detroit. He's interning at BP in Houston this summer, and was asking about living here and such. He's a terrific guy - I'll be glad to reconnect wit him.

The heteroflexible one is totally sacked out. He came in around 5:30 a.m. and is exhausted. This after telling me last night that he needs to stop associating with bar and party people and spending more time with people like me.

I need to get down to fixing up these tax returns. Bleh. I have to edit/validate them, and get them ready for delivery. More later.

The definition of what's snoozing on the bed here...

heteroflexible (het.ur.oh.FLEKS.uh.bul) n. A heterosexual person who is open to relationships with people of the same sex. ~adj. Also: hetero-flexible, heteroflex

Hump day late

An interesting evening. Interesting, interesting evening.

After I saw Lloyd (who was UNABLE to put me back together fully) I came home, and picked up Jason, ran out to pick up a check, then did some errands - it was fun hanging out with him. Came back here, farted around and went to dinner with David and Mark (who I dislike intensely.) Jason was wearing a black satin shirt, had freshly shaved his head, nice jeans, fashionable shoes .. looked VERY good. We went to the original Ninfa's on Navigation - had a reasonably fun time; I was SO glad that Jason was there, as Mark was monopolizing the conversation totally (since he has nothing to contribute to ANYTHING, he has to monopolize David so that David and I can't talk about "adult" things.)

Came home from that, farted around some, watching "How to Marry a Millionaire" which was WONDERFUL, and Jason chatted me up quite a bit. He was going to go dance at EJ's Wednesday night contest, and asked me if I'd go for a little while. The movie ended, and I took the dogs out while Jason packed up his stuff for dancing, and who should I run into on the way out the door but ..

Joel.

Who looks like a corpse. I think he has a KS lesion on his face. He has bleached his hair, so now it's sort of cayenne pepper red. Weird. He said he would come right over to sign his tax returns .. and then, he didn't show up. I took Jason to EJ's, and THAT crowd was bizarre central. Jarred, the South African was there, and he was mugging down on some UGLY chick who kept giving Jason the eye. Jason kept hanging around me most of the time, which obviously cuts into his income. He goes to change into his dance togs, and I was SWARMED by dancers who figured that if Jason was glomming onto me, I must be good for some cash.

Of which I had none.

Anyway, Jason tells Jarred that he's now living with me, and that he's not going to be leaving anytime soon, and Jarred says that he (Jarred) has rented a one bedroom apartment to "hold his stuff." So, that leads to this long and involved conversation with Jason, in which he tells me about .. well, guys who have supported him, blah, blah .. and why he never got involved with any of them .. mostly because they were either into it for the flesh, or were compensating for a failed relationship that he figured they were going to go back to. He tells me that he's VERY happy being with me, and that he thinks it's the best thing that's happened to him in a very long time.

And then, he tells me that last night was the first night he's ever slept with another man .. not sexually, but just to crawl into bed with another man and snuggle. He said that he felt so comfortable doing it, it was just the right thing to do. So, he did. (fully clothed, but whatever.)

And THEN, he tells me that it really doesn't matter whether he's straight or whatever, he's not on the fence, this is about how his heart feels, and how my heart feels, and that he's not saying yes, no, never or maybe to having our relationship develop into something sexual, only that .. wherever it takes us jointly that we're both comfortable with it, so be it.

Most of this time, folks, he's wearing these little speedos and sitting on my lap.

I texted Mikey this afternoon and said "I must have lost my fucking mind."

I guess I have. I really like this man.

Happy Hump Day

So, last night at around 4:30, the solution to my big box issue came to me - right about the time that Jason flopped into bed. So, now, I have to execute this.

Lots of non-productive appointments today - have to get all this done in and around them. Almost time to get cleaned up and go meet Jayce for lunch.

Trevor was over last night for a while. About 1/3 of his visit was occupied by his boyfriend's telephone calling. I started to lose my temper.

Tuesday bluesday

Interesting day. FINALLY had a decent call from my Indigo Sun advertisement. Had a great meeting with the cruise lady.

Tristan/Jason was a HOOT - the cruise lady said (to the table) that when she came up, she thought he and I were a couple, and that Mikey was straight. Then, she said "I give it about a week before you've hopped the fence, baby."

I love her.

Tuesday -

Why are Tuesdays always more bluedays for me than Mondays? That's just weird, I guess.

I finished my online profile to teach a class for a new college; it was, of course, a complete duplication of the PAPER application that I had to submit. I had to search and apply for positions in order to complete my online profile, and, of course, madness reigns. I can't apply for a position teaching legal assitant, because .. I don't have an associates in legal assisant.

Dumb and dumberer.

I am about to tackle the big box (I guess, I'm still unmotivated) and it HAS to be done today. Ugly. I'm not doing anything else today but that.

I'm just feeling checkmated today. Of course, by the issue that I'm intent on clearing out and getting past; doesn't that just figure?

I think I'll finish the laundry and then get to work on the "box." More later.

from today's inspirational message

You are killing more of each other every day over your quarrels over religion than all other things put together, because you cannot even come to an agreement about what you think God says, or wants for you. On one side of the world God wants something different than the other. On one side of the room, in one side of your mind, God wants something different than on the other.The power is within you. You are extensions of this powerful Source Energy. You are literally God expressing in this physical body. And so, as you are standing in a thought, or in a word, or in an action that feels good to you as you are standing there—then you are fully open and allowing all of that Divine Energy to flow through you. And in that moment you are all that you said you would be when you decided to come forth into this body. You are the extension of pure positive energy. You are in your full creative power. You are thriving. You are clear-minded. You are joyful. You are filled with love. You are who you are—you are allowing that which you really are.

selected by Jerry and Esther Hicks
From the workshop 9/30/00

Came home tonight from class; we had to do a eulogy about ourselves, and present it to the class orally. I thought about mine for a LONG time over the last five days, then typed it out cold this morning. It was very good.

I have been thinking about posting it here. I'm undecided.

Monday, Monday ver. 630.01

More thoughts inspired by Donna's comments of the other day about the existence of God (this was my response this morning):

I thought about this last night for a long time.

I've decided that Donna brings up a point that can't be argued successfully (right now) about whether there is a God-presence. The very nature of our ongoing discussion that "there is only one" suggests that there is no separate, all-knowing wizard God that I cannot (until Donna started this thread) divorce from my thoughts about how things work.

Last night, though, I went to quantum physics to associate with the oneness. That concept that everything is wave energy until observed (whether visually or through creative imagination, which is vision without response to external stimulus) I think, irrefutably exists, and responds to our thoughts. What if Donna is right in that we're all that there is, but that the collection of all of the "we" out there create a common intelligence that does know everything?

Anyway, I think that this discussion just leads to the conclusion that we (you, you and me) MUST take on active creativity in directing how we want the world to work and exist for us. In this manner, what we're studying is absolutely valid, as it focuses on control of thought patterns, guiding our thought patterns, and uncovering/releasing old/existing belief structures and (my favorite) self-definitions that pump out into the creative whole and pollute what we are intentionally trying to create.

Given that our experiences are defined by what we understand about ourselves and the world around us, it still seems to me that everything still happens at the perfect time - not because (necessarily) some God-control panel says so, but because, as we individually have the ability to move forward, our understanding or seeing of an event, whether now or past, changes and we are able to accept a different interpretation or choice.

I think that the collective medium is benign, neither positive or negative except as the collective thinking into it shapes it. As soon as the collective medium stops receiving input that we would judge as "negative," it stops producing "negative." In that, it is "forgiving," as it remembers nothing and judges nothing.

It is the ultimate definition of "being in the now."






Yep.

There could be a new tenant in the Casita de Divo home for wayward bois. Tristan, who's really Jason, is a bartender/barback at our sleazy home away from home, EJ's. The place where my evil friend Mikey and I go to harass hustlers and ogle South African bartenders.

Said Tristan had difficulty in his living environment with his brother two Saturdays ago, and I offered him a place to stay for the night. He demurred, and stayed somewhere else. Saturday night last, I chided him for not calling to let me know he was okay, and he laughed, but said he'd call in the future. And, at 4:48 a.m. Sunday morning, he did. He called again around noon and asked if I wanted to hang out with him; he's been fun to be around, and I invited him to stay over, since he had a court appointment this morning at 9:00.

Right now, he's snoozing on the bed next to the computer desk. Things went well for him this morning, and I'm enjoying him being around. He's a very fun, pleasant man.

Of course, I reserve the right to pitch him out on his ear with accompanying complaints, but for now ..

I've gotten most of my homework for tonight's class completed, and it's time to finish that, and move on to the next project. I wrote out thank you cards to all of the tax clients and got them mailed off; that's nice to have that done. I got the stamps.com re-registered on the new machine, got some things faxed off, others mailed off, things are rocking right along.

I've decided against buying new jeans for the boy in YVR; even though E says I should bring them, I think I'll buy lunch or something instead. I reserve the right to change my mind, of course...

Interesting week lined up - lunch tomorrow with the lady from Olivia cruise lines, lunch Wednesday with Jayce (subject to cancellation,) board meeting Wednesday night, dinner with my sister's partner Thursday night, and then Friday evening - off to YVR!

Sending out little note cards that I found in a drawer over the weekend - who knew I had them?

Okay, still busying myself with busy work instead of tackling the hard stuff. BLEH.

Saturday evening, from a new computer

Does it show?

I'm trying to figure out several new features and things that this machine will do - it's too late to fiddle with configuration issues, and I have SO much to get done tomorrow.

My friend Donna asks:

What if there is no God?

And I think maybe there isn't. (Darlene, read Doug's message below.)

What if WE are all we've got? That there is no "higher power." No "universe." No "something greater than ourselves."

Think about a car. It has all it needs to run, built in. What if we're like that. We have all the power we need in us. Of course, we hear this all the time. But in new thought we're taught to rely on - wait for - the universe to bring us what we want. Ernest Holmes said it's our job to decide what we want. It's the universe's job to say how and when. That's where that serenity comes from. "It'll come when it's SUPPOSED to." When the hell is that? There is only NOW.

How is that any different than fundamentalism? Relying on an outside power to generate our lives?

I think maybe we're a complete package. I think the "higher power" is our Higher Self. I imagine it connected like a kite, but of such a high vibration we can't see it. It has the vision, we have the legs to move forward. What if we are all alone? Pretty scary, huh? What if YOU are an illusion in MY world? Even scarier?



This has had me thinking all afternoon and evening.

What about past life memories? What about working examples of cause and effect?

What about the commonly held belief across all religions that there is a higher power?

Is that all just bupkiss to sate the human need for "why?" Why have I had the experience of "oneness?" Is that just crap?

Went out on Safari tonight - BORing. Tristan was VERY sweet, and seemed to suggest he wants to hang out tomorrow. He seems like a nice man.

It's almost 1:00 a.m., and so it's nearly time to get some sleep. I'll have more to say about change, creating change, and whether there is a God or not in the morning.

Review, revised

I spent some time last night re-reading my posts from late 2002 and early 2003. I'm sort of processing through all of that; it seems to me that I haven't had any material change in my circumstanes, only the anxiety has abated sharply.

Oh, and I used to write better. It was more engaging, but more dramatic.

So, is that acceptable? I think not. The level of change, not the writing quality.

I'm busily installing software on my new hard drive.. we're doing a total re-format re-install of everything to get it cleaned up. It's amazing how much software there IS to install. I have discs of stuff that I just don't need anymore (outdated, whatever) and so another thing we're going to do is to nuke all the CD-ROMs that are no longer needed.

I noticed how much (nearly everything) of my "wish" list I had completed over the two years in the review period. Most of that has been done THIS year. Now, there is yet more stuff to be sorted, cleaned, tossed out, whatever. Amazing. However, things are in relatively decent shape as far as home maintenance goes.

By tomorrow evening, I'll have everything done save for the Fabulair business plan and the mortgage business plan (which I haven't started writing yet.) That will occupy next week, I guess.

I have to write a eulogy for myself - set in the future - by Monday night. I really have it rattling around in my head. This issue of change - directing it or just responding to it - is going to be central in what I do write for the project.

Still installing software. CP has convinced me to work with him in the mortgage business, on the side, and recruiting realtors as loan officers. Sounds very interesting.

The final day of tax season (liberated)

I'm mostly done. Just the big ol glob to finish up, and I have that neatly sorted, and am doing my data entry/synthesis. Free until later tonight, when I have dinner with Lance, whom I haven't been seeing very often, because his job is SO going great.

I just had a LONG conversation with Darlene about change, creating change, reacting to change and the differences therein. We have to write a eulogy about ourselves for our class on Monday night; we have to project into the future and write about what we learned in life, how we affected people, how we are viewed by others after we died, and how we failed. At least, that's how I'm taking on the assignment.

So, I have my mind a-buzz about .. what am I going to do next? I've truly come to the end of this little wagon train. Tax season is over, and something else has to be done. I don't want to go backward (read: mortgage business) I was talking to Darlene about how one becomes a person who creates change rather than someone who reacts to it.

I think that most of the people in the world are just developing their facility with managing change and fear; they're not out there making something happen (except as it applies to mangaging imposed change.) I believe that I've developed about as much facility with managing change and circumstance as one would ever need; now it's time for something new.

How would this look? Burying the past for good. Burying my definition of who I am and how I look. Burying my definition of what I can accomplish. Burying my definition of myself and relationships with men. Burying my definition of my acceptance in the gay community.

E is planning out my visit to YVR in a week. He's going to have a little mini-party so that I can meet his friends. I think I need to have Guy's help in picking out what to wear and bring up there. He's already telling me that my entire way of dressing needs to be revised.

And he certainly has a point.

Anyway, that's where the thought processes are taking me today.

Hours left, and then tax time is over

well, except for the procrastinators.

So far this year, I've done 42 tax returns, which compares very favorably to the 72 I did last year while working for v-man. I've done more business returns this year, and have fewer extensions to follow up on. If I'm still in this business next year, it will prove to be a good thing. Work less, make more.

Mikey's on his way over, as are three different tax clients to pick things up. I have to do some more work today, and tonight is all about staying in and being quiet.

It seems that my Angel muppet doll was shipped today. Interesting.

just before bedtime

Got to finally watch 'Six Degrees of Separation,' which I had never seen before. Great movie! What a great job Stockard Channing did!

After tomorrow, all of this crap here in the den/office will be put AWAY! Whoop!

Happy Hump Day

I don't remember my allergies being this bad. Or, maybe I do and I don't think about it. Hard to recall.

Time to get to fishing or cutting bait on tax returns for the day. Off I go!

Three days left -

Yep, just three days.

Tomorrow, I have a jump start on clearing through the rest of the tax work that's sitting here - one client just found a whole BUNCH of financial records that are .. God help us .. ORGANIZED! Whoo!

Watched a really cool movie tonight - "The Trip."

This allergy thing is really getting on my nerves. Hopefully, tomorrow will bring some relief in that area.

Sunday -

Interesting day - not enough sleep last night, didn't want to go to church this morning, hung out with Nicole for a few hours, which was great, and then a quick dinner with Guy and home to watch a truly yuckie DVD from Netflix. Why must all movies about gay people focus on AIDS? Is there no other element of our lives?

Tomorrow has been hijacked by PJ. She purports to be willing to help me with some things, which is well and good, but .. I need to get some things done that are already assigned.

Last night was fun and amusing. We sat with Jarred for the first time in more than a month, and he was showering me with affection and flirtation. I have a lunch date with him on Friday, and a commitment to let me take him out for his birthday on the 12th.

The oak pollen is just kicking my ass lately. I need to go to bed here pretty soon, and see if I can sleep through its effects.