Last night ..

Watched the movie "Relax, it's Just Sex." Great movie, totally disturbing for me. I completely identified with the lead character, and his experiences in dating. By the time the movie was 2/3 over, I was in a FOUL mood. I mean FOUL. So, I started taking the mood apart - what's behind it? Where did it come from?

I didn't get very far with it, but it's a much better way to react than the old way.

Anyway, I went to bed about midnight, and when I was waking up, I had this dream going on about being at the annual party that my college friend David throws (well, that happens in the dream. If he throws a huge annual party, I don't know about it) to which I had been many times. All of these people were so nice to me "oh, I'm so sorry I don't remember your name, but it's GREAT to see you .. " and it was really cool to be remembered well by all these people. The party was held in this enormous room in a hotel (I guess) that had a big patio - all these candles, hundreds of people.

I was sitting at this table with about five women of my age - and we were just making pleasantries. As different men would pass by, we'd remind each other who they were, who they were with, and so on.

As I was sitting there, this guy came up from behind me, wrapped his arms around me and said hello. He told me how glad he was that I had come all that way to the party. He stood up and walked off .. and that's when I noticed that the man, who had been a handsome, but rather unexceptional guy in the past, had transformed himself.

He was now very beefy and lean; huge shoulders and chest, his skin tanned golden brown. He was wearing golden brown leather trousers that matched his skin color, and a matching leather australian cowboy hat. He had a tatoo across his shoulders, and he was wearing a gold necklace backwards - so that it hung down between his shoulder blades. He walked over to get a drink across the room.

The women at my table were after me - "go get him, you idiot!"

Anyway, there was a LOT of drug use going on at this party. A LOT. I started having a poem come to me about methanphetamine use - and then, it (the poem) was published on the cover of a big gay magazine. I had most of the poem, and by the time I could jump out of bed, run to the computer and open a notepad screen, most of it was gone.

BLEH.

Well, last night before I went to bed, I electronically purged Joel from life .. nuked his email address from incoming messages, blocked his IM address. Three strikes and you're out, just like California.

This morning, I'm doing homework for class on Monday. Yup. I'm going to get it ALL done. I am. No, really. And I'm going to bake bread.

Had some GREAT news this morning, Intuit is going to ship me the tax software for every tax year from 1998 forward. AWESOME. That allows mt to prepare tax returns for people (since I no longer have the software) going back that far.

Okay, time to get cracking on making a dent in things.

So, it's all interesting. The Astros have lost, which I rather expected, but whatever. Joel stood me up .. episode #3. And insulted me in the process. So .. where's that sharpie?

I didn't get a THING accomplished again today .. or did I? I went to early vote - the line was HUGE. It took nearly two hours to accomplish that task. I put some things away. Talked to Rosita about the church and the Rev for at least an hour total. Talked to Susan for a half hour. Talked to Mitch .. told him that I had been hoping to pick up Scott's processing work.. that Scott wasn't calling me back and such. He says "well, I'll ask Kimberly (the owner of Roosevelt Mortgage)" So, I said " uh .. you've mentioned that several times over the last few months .. but no meetings ever take place, when you've brought me in to meet her in the office, she isn't even remotely interested in talking to me, so .. uh .. let's just get real, okay? I know you love me and want to help me and all, but .. it ain't happening."

He says "well, she's been busy, etc., etc." And I said, it's cool, Mitch. Don't worry about it, something will come together for me.

So, a few minutes after the Lastros blew it in Louis, he calls. Can I come out to her house for dinner and cocktails tomorrow night, and they'll a.) give me some work, b.) talk to me about doing credit repair on contract, and c.) commercial deals and other stuff.

Okay, sure. I'll talk to anyone, I guess.

Found a cool new condo complex going up about .. ten blocks from me called the Vistas. They have four floor plans that I like. I wrote and asked for information - as far as I know, they haven't begun preparing the site work yet, so it's at least 18 months off.

Anyway, that's today's report, I guess.

So .. that whole "Titanic" thing. Not so much. There's a discrete little link down at the bottom that says "more information." When one follows that link, it reveals that the whole story is a hoax to try to show you how easy it is to create internet hoaxes.

Bleh. But, bully for me for not buying it.

So, drama last night - then I was wired, and stayed up until FOUR .. got up at 8:00, as the dogs were crying. Now, I've cleaned the kitchen, taken out the trash, about to clean the bathroom, gotten the accounting caught up .. but, no substantive work has occured.

Just had an unexpected and blood-curdling IM from PJ - she's coming up today. For .. an unspecified period of time. No further information available. I'm waiting for the "other shoe" thing, where she tells me she wants to stay with me.

While I was all wired up and anxious last night, I was checking out this website about urban legends. snopes On that website, it asserts that a 1911 silent movie "The Poseidon Adventure" was being screened on board the Titanic AT THE TIME IT HIT THE ICEBERG.

Okay, now you may not know everything about me, and you may not know very much about me, but one thing I am is a walking compendium on the RMS Titanic. This site has a link to an internal page that purports to list the details about the 1911 silent "Poseidon Adventure" listing the exact same character names as was in the 1972 smash hit movie. The 1972 smash hit movie that was made from the 1969 best seller by Paul Gallico. Of which I have an original copy of the first paperback printing.

I think I'll write them a little missive ..

Voting early today with Guy, making bread this afternoon, will Joel follow through on his earnest promise last night that he REALLY wants to see me tonight? Who knows?

Called Scott again - no return calls for three days, which leads me to conclude that a.) he's already given the processing work to someone else, and b.) the universe is protecting me somehow.

Onward...

Another day, another day. Had my IRS audit this morning, my cell phone headset DIED a miserable death in a blaze of static, and PetSmart had doggy diapers, but not the absorbant pads that go in them.

Stopped at Kroger and bought them OUT of Diet-Rite soda (no caff, no carbs, no cals, no sugar, no ASPARTAME) came home, and used the dog stain remover/deodorizer that I bought at PetSmart on Jackie's favorite spots. Had lunch away for an hour, came back and WOW! It was true what it said on the label! The whole apartment smelled better.

So, when James called and invited me to dinner, I thought .. Hey! If just a few squirts on her two favorite spots made things that much better, what would a half-gallon do on the FOUR favorite spots?

BIG mistake. Now, it smells like a chemical plant.

Ruby has a bad oxygen sensor, and is going through gasoline like she's a Ford Expedition.

Mikey just had a boyfriend crisis .. and I have a question. The lad who blew me off both Friday night and last night emailed about 11:50 tonight with the excuse that he's been sick, and would love to see me tomorrow.

Hm. Whither goest I?

You Should Be a Martini for Halloween!

What should you be for Halloween?

Wow - well, today is day two of setting myself to be happy with myself at the end of the day, rather than trying to manifest more money or a job or a whatever the heck. Had a good business meeting this afternoon, got a LOT of stuff done work-wise, had a client in Austin who hasn't paid me for more than six weeks pay me and then ask me if I could come up to Austin for the next few weeks to work, and had an unexpected call from Citifinancial asking if I was interested in interviewing for their manager program - they're coming to Houston in a big way. That's tomorrow.

There was NO fabulair-ing today.

However, class tonight was outstanding. We worked on a number of things, all intended to uncover things about our past beliefs and decisions, and how they run us in the present. This week and last week have been very confronting, and one (me) rips from exhiliration to anger and worse. And back again. The cycles are very quick.

Anyway, tonight, we were working with a decision tree about our lives. One takes a line of one's age - and marks on it each important decision that one has made from the earliest memory of decisions to the present, and maps out how it could have gone differently, who the important people were, etc.

(I hadn't done that part of the homework .. shhh)

So, other people were sharing what they got out of the tree exercise, and I was looking at it .. and I had just been working with definitions (the homework from LAST week that was SO confronting) and I saw this wild thing about myself .. you remember the story about coming home from kindergarten on the day that we were moving, and the moving van was gone, etc. So, I made up that I wasn't wanted, and all the goodies that have gone along with that.

Interestingly enough, whether in response to that or just because, I started creating this world where I was all alone, and that was the best, safest place to be. When I was a little boy, my grandparents lived in this little northern Michigan town that had a tourist steam railroad that was about ten blocks from the family home. I used to walk over there and spend long hours walking around the rail cars, looking at the steam engines, watching the operations .. it was a perfect little reality.

So, I have a life that I have created in which I spend most of my time alone with the computer, with the home theater, with books, whatever. And, that life is in complete conflict with the life of trying to find a mate, trying to hang out with friends, gathering evidence for the story of "I'm not wanted."

The truth is, I *LOVE* being alone. I have no mate because I *LOVE* being alone. I live alone, because it suits me.

So, what's all this energy I put into trying to prove that I have to be alone because I'm not wanted? Silly. It's like .. all of a sudden, the whole idea of trying to "find someone" - why bother? Who cares? I'd rather be picking up my own socks, not someone else's!

Can I just drop all the energy that I've expended, could expend, all the emotion I've put around being stood up, betrayed, rejected .. since I didn't really want that anyway? What's going to manifest now?

I remember when I distinguished the whole thing about not attending the University of Michigan - twenty-eight years of bitterness just fell into nothingness. Is that what happens now?

More processing is required. More will be revealed.

Oh, and it seems as clear as the nose on my face that Joel is in the process of standing me up for tomorrow. And, I'm not upset.

At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not upset. I'll check in with you tomorrow as the day moves on - and we'll see if this pattern has truly fallen to dust, or if it's just hiding.

Interesting. Day #2 of merely holding out that I was going to be happy with myself when the day was done. It's such an empowering place to stand - it just doesn't have a lot of attachments like "I need a better job," or "I need more money."

It's pretty cool, and good things seem to be happening.

Okay, I started off this morning committed to ENDING the day feeling good about myself. So, I have accomplished several things:

I wrote Nate's personal statement to his law school application
I reviewed part of a business plan (potential new business)
I finished my contractor application to a grant writing agency
I started constituting myself as a consultant to contractors for the development of humans in space
I had a totally honest and productive conversation with my fellow church board members
I bought some SOS pads and SCRUBBED the wire racks for the oven - and the broiler pan
I spent most of the day away from the computer
I made dinner for myself and for Guy, and had a great conversation with him
I spent more time mentally thinking about Fabulair, and some of the content that goes into the website
I re-promised for another LSAT student whom I had offered to help with HER personal statement

So, I didn't get everything done on my list, but I certainly didn't wile away the day.

Have a very full day tomorrow, and a new business meeting at 5:30 before class tomorrow evening. It should be great!

Time to empty the mutts and get ready for sleep.

This is Joel - Joel, this is everybody.

Church today was SO cool, we had Ken, our NASA PhD engineer who designed the first digital computers for the Apollo program (!) speak to us about creating the design for human existence in space. He talked about the various challenges, about the need to get commercial enterprise involved, and so on, and how NASA is stuck in technology and doesn't know how to bridge the gap that gets commercial enterprise involved.

I, however, immediately had ideas of JUST how to do it..
which I will summarize in an email later today and send to him.

This afternoon, I have to re-write two personal statements for LSAT students, bake bread, pull together my receipts for my IRS audit on Wednesday, and .. something else. What else? I'll remember. Oh, I have to write a letter to our erstwhile minister about what direction we have decided to go .. in case she is unwilling to meet with us.

And, I have two netflix to watch. And .. is that it? I think so. However, it's naptime now. Toodles!

Joel - this is the new man that I like so much 

This morning's blood sugar = 88. AWESOME!

I'm having a hard time starting this morning. Joel said he wanted to come over for breakfast, but .. so far, he hasn't. So, I think I'm on my own there.

Today, I have to read some specs for grant funding that Judy gave me. One of them is essentially a re-write of something I've done before (two years ago) of course, the data copy is gone, so I get to re-type and format the 42 pages. BLEH.

I should also re-do my filing cabinet. I have all these old file folders that I set up for Camber (which was now three years ago) and I need to re-do those so that I can utilize them better. And, that is about my day, I think.

I have a bunch of movies and DVDs that have already sold from last week that I must get packaged up and shipped off. I also need to go through all of the floppy diskettes and the casette tapes and just start pitching stuff. It's silly hanging on to all of this stuff for all of this time. Bleh.

Okay, time for oatmeal, then some reading.

The annual party in 90 minutes. I'm about the readiest I've ever been at this point. Of course, having a bunch of people over on Wednesday night helped.

I have to vacuum, put the dogs up, and see about changing the lamp in the bar. And put on some decent clothes. I'm actually cooking dinner right now, so that I don't lose my mind later by having had nothing to eat.

Wrote a poem last night - here it is:

The Last Man

He is every perfection
Lean, strong, chisled, reticent
Exuding love and kindness
His being distracts me
and I dream of next being with him

Yet, he is the last man
The last man withholding
The last man unavailable
The last man who won't commit

He is the last man for whom I will pine unrequited and unwanted

He is the last man with whom I will initiate, pursue, and persist

You are the perfect man, Travis
And you are the last one
I will always love you
And I will forget you now

It's a big old clearance sale! I winnowed down my VHS collection, and put 55 of them on Amazon today. Next, in the demented Divo sale - the CD collection that NEVER gets listened to! I'll probably have over 250 items on Amazon within the end of the day.

Have a list of things to get done an arm long, so I'd better get to it.

Started loading up the gift bags for my friends who are coming over tomorrow for my birthday. I got matching "Tweety" hats, cocktail napkins, hooters and gift bags, and it is my intention to fill them up with meaningless trifles to amuse my closest friends, and to make them feel welcome and loved. I had in mind that I would need a LOT of stuff to fill these things up; I had been accumulating little bits of stuff for weeks, but I was expecting a trip to the dollar store today.

When I ripped open the gift bags, I found out that they were VERY small! Wow. I have little things for each person (well, for two people that I really don't know all THAT well - guests - I have meaningless trinkets) and I think I can fill up the bags without anyone feeling slighted. And without having to shop for anything more.

The damned bank charged me $60 for "NSF" fees, and I wasn't overdrawn! Bastards.

Last night in class, we talked a little about that movie "What the (*&$% do I know?"
I really want to get to see that. One woman was talking about it, and she said that they had distinguished particles from waves. She said that everything is moving around us all the time as waves; that represents possibility. When we create something in our mind, we OBSERVE the wave, and it becomes a particle - or matter.

It just hit me how wrong it is of me to think about possible financial lack, because when I create that with my mind, it freezes the possibility "lack" right there in front of me, and that's what I get.

We'll see how much of an epiphany this really is.

I dreamt of Travis Friday night, last night and this late afternoon (during nap time.) I don't recall ever dreaming about someone THIS much.

I applied for a job at UH-Main tonight (what an UNFRIENDLY system. Bleh.) Didn't get any cleaning done. It's time for bed, and I still have to study for tomorrow night. I want to clean the apartment AND the car tomorrow.

Don't have any work tomorrow (or this week) except for Fabulair.

Well, it's Friday night. I finally got all of this client's records boxed up (he called, asked if I could stop by, I had two hours to get it done, ergo, it's done.) This weekend is ALL about cleaning the apartment. Sanitizing it. Cobwebs. Mirrors. Furniture all moved about. Everything out of shelves. Everything out of the drawers. That sort of cleaning.

Plus, I need to do the same kind of cleaning for the car. It's just not up to my standards.

Travis came over tonight, we had a very nice time for a few hours. He said something about something I had said at dinner MONTHS ago, which apparently had him thinking I wasn't interested in "that" way. At some point in the evening, SOMETHING happened in his brain, and he shut down like pouring cold water all over him.

I've invited him to the big Divo party, but I don't know if he's going to show up..

So, here I was, just checking email (you know I'm an email hooker, so I'm not fooling anyone, I just was sitting here) and an IM comes in from some guy that I've never heard of. He says this:

Thank you sooo much for your inspiring letter. I am a 64 year old gay male. I was married for 39 years, and raised four children. No one knew I was gay but myself, and I hid it for almost 40 years. My wife died of cancer in 1999, and immediately after her death, I told my children about my sexuality. I am a happy individual now, with a wonderful man. I am out and no longer hide who I am. I wish you only good in your life, and God will take care of the little people who do not or care not to understand. Thank you again.

This is the letter that he was talking about:


Letter from Mom

I'm sort of floored.

Okay, finally printing the church newsletters. I never got the schedule on what we're doing on three of the five Sundays in October, so I can't print anything but "TBA." Oh, well. After I print 33 of these puppies (in color, will I have enough ink?) I have to flip them over and try to manipulate stamps.com on the other side. Of course, this stupid thing is NOT printing in color. Bastard. I hate this fucking printer.

We'll see how this works.

Nicole has a little disruption going on in her work life, but it seems like it's going to work out just fine. Guy wants her resume BADLY, as he thinks he can place her in two shakes of a rabbit's tail.

Okay, enough with the printing issues. Back to creating some future.