Been talking to Philip tonight about different things; it seems that there is no likelihood of him returning to Houston after college; he hates the idea of working for a company where he has no self-expression. So, he's uncertain where he can find that, but he's pretty sure he's not going to find it in corporate America.
I'm sorry that he won't be coming back - I've really enjoyed his company. Interestingly enough, though, he's starting to act like a "boi" in that he's picking up after himself less and less, buying fewer groceries, etc.
It's probably in response to the full life support program offered here at the Casita de Divo, as opposed to anything else.
Got my diabetic "anti-medicine" book in the mail today - it's very, very interesting. I have to read it ASAP.
DJHJD
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Deputy Doogie Dog
In the West, the Dog is man's best friend, but in Chinese Astrology this Sign is a little more unpredictable than that. Dogs are loyal, faithful and honest and always stick to their firm codes of ethics. However, this Sign has trouble trusting others. It's generally quite trustworthy itself -- except for the occasional "little white lies" the Dog tells in order to make things go more smoothly. The Dog makes a wonderful, discreet and loyal friend (despite any white lies) and is an excellent listener. This Sign tends to root for the underdog and its keen sense of right and wrong makes it duty-bound to the core. The Dog's mantra seems to be, Live right, look out for the little people and fight injustice whenever possible.
Dogs can also be rather dogmatic, too. They don't go in for light social banter; instead, they go straight for home, expostulating on the topics that are most important to them. At these times the Dog's narrow-minded or stubborn side can become apparent; this Sign has trouble staying light and calm when an important issue is at stake. This Sign can also be very temperamental; mood swings characterize its emotional life and often the Dog needs to run off to be alone in order to recuperate. Part of the problem is the result of this Sign's load of irrational fears that turn into niggling anxieties that turn into hurt feelings and occasional grouchiness. This sensitive Sign needs to warm up to others over time and gradually learn to trust them. Without that trust as a foundation, Dogs can be judgmental and coarse.
The Dog's discerning nature does make it an excellent business person, one who can turn that picky, guarded nature into a keen sense of the truth of another's motives. Where love is concerned, Dogs often have a tough time finding the right match. They can be so anxious and overwrought in the romance dance that they'll stress their partner to the max! In any forum, this Sign is happiest when able to be quite physically active; at home or at work, the Dog will always be constructing something new or cleaning something up in order to make things better. Dogs need to work on controlling their irrational worries and would also be well-served to relax their mile-high standards, which can sometimes wind up alienating the ones they love.
The most compatible match for a Dog is the Tiger or the Horse.
Dogs can also be rather dogmatic, too. They don't go in for light social banter; instead, they go straight for home, expostulating on the topics that are most important to them. At these times the Dog's narrow-minded or stubborn side can become apparent; this Sign has trouble staying light and calm when an important issue is at stake. This Sign can also be very temperamental; mood swings characterize its emotional life and often the Dog needs to run off to be alone in order to recuperate. Part of the problem is the result of this Sign's load of irrational fears that turn into niggling anxieties that turn into hurt feelings and occasional grouchiness. This sensitive Sign needs to warm up to others over time and gradually learn to trust them. Without that trust as a foundation, Dogs can be judgmental and coarse.
The Dog's discerning nature does make it an excellent business person, one who can turn that picky, guarded nature into a keen sense of the truth of another's motives. Where love is concerned, Dogs often have a tough time finding the right match. They can be so anxious and overwrought in the romance dance that they'll stress their partner to the max! In any forum, this Sign is happiest when able to be quite physically active; at home or at work, the Dog will always be constructing something new or cleaning something up in order to make things better. Dogs need to work on controlling their irrational worries and would also be well-served to relax their mile-high standards, which can sometimes wind up alienating the ones they love.
The most compatible match for a Dog is the Tiger or the Horse.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Tuesday that feels like Monday - ver. 2.01
This morning's blood sugar - 310. Still 200 points too high, but it's much better than the last few weeks, and it's 22 points lower than yesterday morning's reading.
In response to my New York Times article about there being no bisexual men, my dear friend Alma wrote me:
"Interesting. I’d always just assumed that there were some men who would just as soon stick it in a tree.
However, just to make thing a little more complex, read this: Dreg?er, Alice Domurat. (1999). Intersex in the Age of Ethics. University Publishing Group. One of the people interviewed doesn’t even identify him/herself clearly as either a man or a woman.
And if you really want to be infuriated about societal attitudes toward gender (assuming you can bump up your medication and avoid a stroke): try: Colapinto, John. (2000) As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl. Harper Collins
On the other hand, I’m fully prepared to believe that there are guys out there faking it to get their laundry and cooking done
Yours in utter cynicism,
Alma"
I just adore her.
So, I'm almost done logging, reading, returning, calling, setting appointments and the like. Time to clean up, and get ready for this afternoon's round of meetings.
In response to my New York Times article about there being no bisexual men, my dear friend Alma wrote me:
"Interesting. I’d always just assumed that there were some men who would just as soon stick it in a tree.
However, just to make thing a little more complex, read this: Dreg?er, Alice Domurat. (1999). Intersex in the Age of Ethics. University Publishing Group. One of the people interviewed doesn’t even identify him/herself clearly as either a man or a woman.
And if you really want to be infuriated about societal attitudes toward gender (assuming you can bump up your medication and avoid a stroke): try: Colapinto, John. (2000) As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl. Harper Collins
On the other hand, I’m fully prepared to believe that there are guys out there faking it to get their laundry and cooking done
Yours in utter cynicism,
Alma"
I just adore her.
So, I'm almost done logging, reading, returning, calling, setting appointments and the like. Time to clean up, and get ready for this afternoon's round of meetings.
We've known this all along ..
July 5, 2005
Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited
By BENEDICT CAREY
Some people are attracted to women; some are attracted to men. And some, if Sigmund Freud, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and millions of self-described bisexuals are to be believed, are drawn to both sexes.
But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men.
The study, by a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto, lends support to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and stable sexual orientation.
People who claim bisexuality, according to these critics, are usually homosexual, but are ambivalent about their homosexuality or simply closeted. "You're either gay, straight or lying," as some gay men have put it.
In the new study, a team of psychologists directly measured genital arousal patterns in response to images of men and women. The psychologists found that men who identified themselves as bisexual were in fact exclusively aroused by either one sex or the other, usually by other men.
The study is the largest of several small reports suggesting that the estimated 1.7 percent of men who identify themselves as bisexual show physical attraction patterns that differ substantially from their professed desires.
"Research on sexual orientation has been based almost entirely on self-reports, and this is one of the few good studies using physiological measures," said Dr. Lisa Diamond, an associate professor of psychology and gender identity at the University of Utah, who was not involved in the study.
The discrepancy between what is happening in people's minds and what is going on in their bodies, she said, presents a puzzle "that the field now has to crack, and it raises this question about what we mean when we talk about desire."
"We have assumed that everyone means the same thing," she added, "but here we have evidence that that is not the case."
Several other researchers who have seen the study, scheduled to be published in the journal Psychological Science, said it would need to be repeated with larger numbers of bisexual men before clear conclusions could be drawn.
Bisexual desires are sometimes transient and they are still poorly understood. Men and women also appear to differ in the frequency of bisexual attractions. "The last thing you want," said Dr. Randall Sell, an assistant professor of clinical socio-medical sciences at Columbia University, "is for some therapists to see this study and start telling bisexual people that they're wrong, that they're really on their way to homosexuality."
He added, "We don't know nearly enough about sexual orientation and identity" to jump to these conclusions.
In the experiment, psychologists at Northwestern University and the Center for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto used advertisements in gay and alternative newspapers to recruit 101 young adult men. Thirty-three of the men identified themselves as bisexual, 30 as straight and 38 as homosexual.
The researchers asked the men about their sexual desires and rated them on a scale from 0 to 6 on sexual orientation, with 0 to 1 indicating heterosexuality, and 5 to 6 indicating homosexuality. Bisexuality was measured by scores in the middle range.
Seated alone in a laboratory room, the men then watched a series of erotic movies, some involving only women, others involving only men.
Using a sensor to monitor sexual arousal, the researchers found what they expected: gay men showed arousal to images of men and little arousal to images of women, and heterosexual men showed arousal to women but not to men.
But the men in the study who described themselves as bisexual did not have patterns of arousal that were consistent with their stated attraction to men and to women. Instead, about three-quarters of the group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men; the rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals.
"Regardless of whether the men were gay, straight or bisexual, they showed about four times more arousal" to one sex or the other, said Gerulf Rieger, a graduate psychology student at Northwestern and the study's lead author.
Although about a third of the men in each group showed no significant arousal watching the movies, their lack of response did not change the overall findings, Mr. Rieger said.
Since at least the middle of the 19th century, behavioral scientists have noted bisexual attraction in men and women and debated its place in the development of sexual identity. Some experts, like Freud, concluded that humans are naturally bisexual. In his landmark sex surveys of the 1940's, Dr. Alfred Kinsey found many married, publicly heterosexual men who reported having had sex with other men.
"Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual," Dr. Kinsey wrote. "The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats."
By the 1990's, Newsweek had featured bisexuality on its cover, bisexuals had formed advocacy groups and television series like "Sex and the City" had begun exploring bisexual themes.
Yet researchers were unable to produce direct evidence of bisexual arousal patterns in men, said Dr. J. Michael Bailey, a professor of psychology at Northwestern and the new study's senior author.
A 1979 study of 30 men found that those who identified themselves as bisexuals were indistinguishable from homosexuals on measures of arousal. Studies of gay and bisexual men in the 1990's showed that the two groups reported similar numbers of male sexual partners and risky sexual encounters. And a 1994 survey by The Advocate, the gay-oriented newsmagazine, found that, before identifying themselves as gay, 40 percent of gay men had described themselves as bisexual.
"I'm not denying that bisexual behavior exists," said Dr. Bailey, "but I am saying that in men there's no hint that true bisexual arousal exists, and that for men arousal is orientation."
But other researchers - and some self-identified bisexuals - say that the technique used in the study to measure genital arousal is too crude to capture the richness - erotic sensations, affection, admiration - that constitutes sexual attraction.
Social and emotional attraction are very important elements in bisexual attraction, said Dr. Fritz Klein, a sex researcher and the author of "The Bisexual Option."
"To claim on the basis of this study that there's no such thing as male bisexuality is overstepping, it seems to me," said Dr. Gilbert Herdt, director of the National Sexuality Resource Center in San Francisco. "It may be that there is a lot less true male bisexuality than we think, but if that's true then why in the world are there so many movies, novels and TV shows that have this as a theme - is it collective fantasy, merely a projection? I don't think so."
John Campbell, 36, a Web designer in Orange County, Calif., who describes himself as bisexual, also said he was skeptical of the findings.
Mr. Campbell said he had been strongly attracted to both sexes since he was sexually aware, although all his long-term relationships had been with women. "In my case I have been accused of being heterosexual, but I also feel a need for sex with men," he said.
Mr. Campbell rated his erotic attraction to men and women as about 50-50, but his emotional attraction, he said, was 90 to 10 in favor of women. "With men I can get aroused, I just don't feel the fireworks like I do with women," he said.
About 1.5 percent of American women identify themselves bisexual. And bisexuality appears easier to demonstrate in the female sex. A study published last November by the same team of Canadian and American researchers, for example, found that most women who said they were bisexual showed arousal to men and to women.
Although only a small number of women identify themselves as bisexual, Dr. Bailey said, bisexual arousal may for them in fact be the norm.
Researchers have little sense yet of how these differences may affect behavior, or sexual identity. In the mid-1990's, Dr. Diamond recruited a group of 90 women at gay pride parades, academic conferences on gender issues and other venues. About half of the women called themselves lesbians, a third identified as bisexual and the rest claimed no sexual orientation. In follow-up interviews over the last 10 years, Dr. Diamond has found that most of these women have had relationships both with men and women.
"Most of them seem to lean one way or the other, but that doesn't preclude them from having a relationship with the nonpreferred sex," she said. "You may be mostly interested in women but, hey, the guy who delivers the pizza is really hot, and what are you going to do?"
"There's a whole lot of movement and flexibility," Dr. Diamond added. "The fact is, we have very little research in this area, and a lot to learn."
Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited
By BENEDICT CAREY
Some people are attracted to women; some are attracted to men. And some, if Sigmund Freud, Dr. Alfred Kinsey and millions of self-described bisexuals are to be believed, are drawn to both sexes.
But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men.
The study, by a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto, lends support to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and stable sexual orientation.
People who claim bisexuality, according to these critics, are usually homosexual, but are ambivalent about their homosexuality or simply closeted. "You're either gay, straight or lying," as some gay men have put it.
In the new study, a team of psychologists directly measured genital arousal patterns in response to images of men and women. The psychologists found that men who identified themselves as bisexual were in fact exclusively aroused by either one sex or the other, usually by other men.
The study is the largest of several small reports suggesting that the estimated 1.7 percent of men who identify themselves as bisexual show physical attraction patterns that differ substantially from their professed desires.
"Research on sexual orientation has been based almost entirely on self-reports, and this is one of the few good studies using physiological measures," said Dr. Lisa Diamond, an associate professor of psychology and gender identity at the University of Utah, who was not involved in the study.
The discrepancy between what is happening in people's minds and what is going on in their bodies, she said, presents a puzzle "that the field now has to crack, and it raises this question about what we mean when we talk about desire."
"We have assumed that everyone means the same thing," she added, "but here we have evidence that that is not the case."
Several other researchers who have seen the study, scheduled to be published in the journal Psychological Science, said it would need to be repeated with larger numbers of bisexual men before clear conclusions could be drawn.
Bisexual desires are sometimes transient and they are still poorly understood. Men and women also appear to differ in the frequency of bisexual attractions. "The last thing you want," said Dr. Randall Sell, an assistant professor of clinical socio-medical sciences at Columbia University, "is for some therapists to see this study and start telling bisexual people that they're wrong, that they're really on their way to homosexuality."
He added, "We don't know nearly enough about sexual orientation and identity" to jump to these conclusions.
In the experiment, psychologists at Northwestern University and the Center for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto used advertisements in gay and alternative newspapers to recruit 101 young adult men. Thirty-three of the men identified themselves as bisexual, 30 as straight and 38 as homosexual.
The researchers asked the men about their sexual desires and rated them on a scale from 0 to 6 on sexual orientation, with 0 to 1 indicating heterosexuality, and 5 to 6 indicating homosexuality. Bisexuality was measured by scores in the middle range.
Seated alone in a laboratory room, the men then watched a series of erotic movies, some involving only women, others involving only men.
Using a sensor to monitor sexual arousal, the researchers found what they expected: gay men showed arousal to images of men and little arousal to images of women, and heterosexual men showed arousal to women but not to men.
But the men in the study who described themselves as bisexual did not have patterns of arousal that were consistent with their stated attraction to men and to women. Instead, about three-quarters of the group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men; the rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals.
"Regardless of whether the men were gay, straight or bisexual, they showed about four times more arousal" to one sex or the other, said Gerulf Rieger, a graduate psychology student at Northwestern and the study's lead author.
Although about a third of the men in each group showed no significant arousal watching the movies, their lack of response did not change the overall findings, Mr. Rieger said.
Since at least the middle of the 19th century, behavioral scientists have noted bisexual attraction in men and women and debated its place in the development of sexual identity. Some experts, like Freud, concluded that humans are naturally bisexual. In his landmark sex surveys of the 1940's, Dr. Alfred Kinsey found many married, publicly heterosexual men who reported having had sex with other men.
"Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual," Dr. Kinsey wrote. "The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats."
By the 1990's, Newsweek had featured bisexuality on its cover, bisexuals had formed advocacy groups and television series like "Sex and the City" had begun exploring bisexual themes.
Yet researchers were unable to produce direct evidence of bisexual arousal patterns in men, said Dr. J. Michael Bailey, a professor of psychology at Northwestern and the new study's senior author.
A 1979 study of 30 men found that those who identified themselves as bisexuals were indistinguishable from homosexuals on measures of arousal. Studies of gay and bisexual men in the 1990's showed that the two groups reported similar numbers of male sexual partners and risky sexual encounters. And a 1994 survey by The Advocate, the gay-oriented newsmagazine, found that, before identifying themselves as gay, 40 percent of gay men had described themselves as bisexual.
"I'm not denying that bisexual behavior exists," said Dr. Bailey, "but I am saying that in men there's no hint that true bisexual arousal exists, and that for men arousal is orientation."
But other researchers - and some self-identified bisexuals - say that the technique used in the study to measure genital arousal is too crude to capture the richness - erotic sensations, affection, admiration - that constitutes sexual attraction.
Social and emotional attraction are very important elements in bisexual attraction, said Dr. Fritz Klein, a sex researcher and the author of "The Bisexual Option."
"To claim on the basis of this study that there's no such thing as male bisexuality is overstepping, it seems to me," said Dr. Gilbert Herdt, director of the National Sexuality Resource Center in San Francisco. "It may be that there is a lot less true male bisexuality than we think, but if that's true then why in the world are there so many movies, novels and TV shows that have this as a theme - is it collective fantasy, merely a projection? I don't think so."
John Campbell, 36, a Web designer in Orange County, Calif., who describes himself as bisexual, also said he was skeptical of the findings.
Mr. Campbell said he had been strongly attracted to both sexes since he was sexually aware, although all his long-term relationships had been with women. "In my case I have been accused of being heterosexual, but I also feel a need for sex with men," he said.
Mr. Campbell rated his erotic attraction to men and women as about 50-50, but his emotional attraction, he said, was 90 to 10 in favor of women. "With men I can get aroused, I just don't feel the fireworks like I do with women," he said.
About 1.5 percent of American women identify themselves bisexual. And bisexuality appears easier to demonstrate in the female sex. A study published last November by the same team of Canadian and American researchers, for example, found that most women who said they were bisexual showed arousal to men and to women.
Although only a small number of women identify themselves as bisexual, Dr. Bailey said, bisexual arousal may for them in fact be the norm.
Researchers have little sense yet of how these differences may affect behavior, or sexual identity. In the mid-1990's, Dr. Diamond recruited a group of 90 women at gay pride parades, academic conferences on gender issues and other venues. About half of the women called themselves lesbians, a third identified as bisexual and the rest claimed no sexual orientation. In follow-up interviews over the last 10 years, Dr. Diamond has found that most of these women have had relationships both with men and women.
"Most of them seem to lean one way or the other, but that doesn't preclude them from having a relationship with the nonpreferred sex," she said. "You may be mostly interested in women but, hey, the guy who delivers the pizza is really hot, and what are you going to do?"
"There's a whole lot of movement and flexibility," Dr. Diamond added. "The fact is, we have very little research in this area, and a lot to learn."
Monday, July 04, 2005
Monday, Monday ver. 633.01
Happy National Delusional Day! With fireworks! You could also call it "Happy Values That We No Longer Observe Day!
Slept in, slept a lot, felt better, got most of my computer work done, baked bread, still way behind the curve as to what I have intended to accomplish, having been sick all day Sunday.
Note to file: If you're going to get sick, go to St. Joseph's emergency room. They're fabulous.
E is back home, Sean is stuck in B'sville with PJ, Mikey's celebrating the departure of TRB (episode 16,) and I have a fully jam packed week lined up. Have calls and documents to make up tomorrow, then three meetings back to back, and class tomorrow night.
Have to scrape up the money to see the doctor; at the ER Saturday night, the doctor asked a bazillion questions about why my blood chemistry was so far off .. was I doing drugs, gaining weight, changed eating/sleeping patterns? Stress? Mikey busted out laughing. Uh, yeah. Stress.
Anyway, we'll see what gets done this week.
Slept in, slept a lot, felt better, got most of my computer work done, baked bread, still way behind the curve as to what I have intended to accomplish, having been sick all day Sunday.
Note to file: If you're going to get sick, go to St. Joseph's emergency room. They're fabulous.
E is back home, Sean is stuck in B'sville with PJ, Mikey's celebrating the departure of TRB (episode 16,) and I have a fully jam packed week lined up. Have calls and documents to make up tomorrow, then three meetings back to back, and class tomorrow night.
Have to scrape up the money to see the doctor; at the ER Saturday night, the doctor asked a bazillion questions about why my blood chemistry was so far off .. was I doing drugs, gaining weight, changed eating/sleeping patterns? Stress? Mikey busted out laughing. Uh, yeah. Stress.
Anyway, we'll see what gets done this week.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Four Hundred Seventy-Nine
Four Hundred Seventy-Nine. If only that signified some achievement, rather than the sword of damacles hanging over my head.
I'm trying to get work done and not think about my situation. Not like I don't have anything ELSE to keep my brain busy with.
I hate fighting wars. They suck. This time, I've had to go thermonuclear. What's been fun, though, is that the PI that I had to hire has found out some MOST amusing and unusual information, which is very helpful for me. Who knew that one could learn so much about asset transfers and Nevada corporations, just by hiring the right PI?
He's a great guy, too. Handsome as all get-out.
I'm trying to get work done and not think about my situation. Not like I don't have anything ELSE to keep my brain busy with.
I hate fighting wars. They suck. This time, I've had to go thermonuclear. What's been fun, though, is that the PI that I had to hire has found out some MOST amusing and unusual information, which is very helpful for me. Who knew that one could learn so much about asset transfers and Nevada corporations, just by hiring the right PI?
He's a great guy, too. Handsome as all get-out.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Monday, Monday ver. 632.01
Well, things are slowly coming together this morning. This is the first day in a week that I've had to work in the [home] office, so I'm feeling behind, although I've missed no deadlines.
I need to get cleaned up, go pick up a book, refill the water jugs and get out of the house for a bit. I also need to make some phone calls here about the mortgage business. Re-working old forms, trying to make old contacts come back alive, trying to regain my full facility for everything.
Teaching the mortgage classes has really focused my knowledge - the last three years (two hardly working and one not working) in mortgage has slowed my facility down somewhat.
Hoping that UHCL fails to pay me within the statutory time period.
Judy is voting with her passive/aggressive behavior in favor of my being blind and handicapped. Got to love that. She's SUCH a liar.
Okay, more work has to happen here.
I need to get cleaned up, go pick up a book, refill the water jugs and get out of the house for a bit. I also need to make some phone calls here about the mortgage business. Re-working old forms, trying to make old contacts come back alive, trying to regain my full facility for everything.
Teaching the mortgage classes has really focused my knowledge - the last three years (two hardly working and one not working) in mortgage has slowed my facility down somewhat.
Hoping that UHCL fails to pay me within the statutory time period.
Judy is voting with her passive/aggressive behavior in favor of my being blind and handicapped. Got to love that. She's SUCH a liar.
Okay, more work has to happen here.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Sunday eve - after a draught of unprecedented proportions
Sunday evening, and the living room is populated with the Pistons/Spurs game. Philip and I just watched "The Weather Underground," which was fascinating and compelling, and he made pasta. Sean left for his uncle's place today, and I spent most of my day with the nice folks at New Vision.
Another busy weekend. Watched a bunch of movies on DVD with Philip and the Child, taught a class all day Saturday, cleaned up around the house, cooked a bunch, drove hither and yon.
Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. Found a house I love. Have a ton of work to do this week, plus have some different things that need taking care of - have to have my shocks installed, for instance.
Another busy weekend. Watched a bunch of movies on DVD with Philip and the Child, taught a class all day Saturday, cleaned up around the house, cooked a bunch, drove hither and yon.
Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. Found a house I love. Have a ton of work to do this week, plus have some different things that need taking care of - have to have my shocks installed, for instance.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Hump Day Contemplations
Have a lot on my mind today - a LOT. Spent a lot of time meditating today after my telephone conversation with my Aunt Liz last night. I've been thinking about all of the situations in my life where someone has promised me that they would do something that would benefit me, and then they don't do. All of the employment situations, all of the arrangements with my family (going to college, buying real estate together, etc.) All of the agreements I've made with myself.
I have been looking at my time in Landmark nine years ago (ish) and thinking about how easily I made things happen back then in certain areas of life. Not uniformly, but just where it wasn't going to dramatically improve my own life. That's pretty much gone again.
I've also been looking at my own patterns - like having repeatedly offered to let some young man stay with me here in my apartment. It's not about seeking love, it's about giving myself an excuse to not have to accomplish anything, and to validate my own story about people not supporting me, or something along those lines.
I was trying to explain the basics of double-entry book keeping last night, and it was TOUGH to do. It's hard to understand by myself, having not studied accounting theory.
Michael McLemore called Sunday night - he's coming into town on Saturday and will be staying here. (rolls eyes) Part of me feels like fucking the snot out of him just to be mean. Part of me want to tell him to find another idiot to host him. Well, most of me wants to do that.
Judy's son comes in on Thursday for the weekend - goes to his Uncle's in Baytown on Sunday afternoon next week. So, I have a week before his arrival. God, I have NO idea what is going to develop with that visit.
Been spending a lot of time thinking about this pattern of mine of moving boys in - I think I've concluded that it's more of giving myself an excuse NOT to perform in my own life, and less trying to gain someone's attention and confidence. I've decided that, when Philip goes back to MSU, I'm going to a.) take my platform bed (that I bought for myself and for that Hispanic bastard back when you lived on Stroud) and donate the platform frame etc. to the resale shop, b.) knock down the bed in this "guest" room, and c.) buy a full sized bed frame for the mattress/foundation set in here, and put it into my room. Then, I'm buying a desk. I'm going to convert this room into a damned office. I have a fold out cot, should I really really need it, but, this is a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. Bleh.
I have been looking at my time in Landmark nine years ago (ish) and thinking about how easily I made things happen back then in certain areas of life. Not uniformly, but just where it wasn't going to dramatically improve my own life. That's pretty much gone again.
I've also been looking at my own patterns - like having repeatedly offered to let some young man stay with me here in my apartment. It's not about seeking love, it's about giving myself an excuse to not have to accomplish anything, and to validate my own story about people not supporting me, or something along those lines.
I was trying to explain the basics of double-entry book keeping last night, and it was TOUGH to do. It's hard to understand by myself, having not studied accounting theory.
Michael McLemore called Sunday night - he's coming into town on Saturday and will be staying here. (rolls eyes) Part of me feels like fucking the snot out of him just to be mean. Part of me want to tell him to find another idiot to host him. Well, most of me wants to do that.
Judy's son comes in on Thursday for the weekend - goes to his Uncle's in Baytown on Sunday afternoon next week. So, I have a week before his arrival. God, I have NO idea what is going to develop with that visit.
Been spending a lot of time thinking about this pattern of mine of moving boys in - I think I've concluded that it's more of giving myself an excuse NOT to perform in my own life, and less trying to gain someone's attention and confidence. I've decided that, when Philip goes back to MSU, I'm going to a.) take my platform bed (that I bought for myself and for that Hispanic bastard back when you lived on Stroud) and donate the platform frame etc. to the resale shop, b.) knock down the bed in this "guest" room, and c.) buy a full sized bed frame for the mattress/foundation set in here, and put it into my room. Then, I'm buying a desk. I'm going to convert this room into a damned office. I have a fold out cot, should I really really need it, but, this is a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. Bleh.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Thunder Humper
Waking up this morning, the sky was green - it reminded me of childhood days in western Michigan, when the sky would become an angry light green, portending tornado weather. We've had enough precipitation to wet the ground and create some standing water, but no torrential downpours. Yet.
Having a great time reconciling bank statements .. yes, it CAN be fun! I've just asked the client for the 2004 statements (I want the register balance to reflect what the bank actually has in it.)
Having a great time reconciling bank statements .. yes, it CAN be fun! I've just asked the client for the 2004 statements (I want the register balance to reflect what the bank actually has in it.)
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Tuesday that feels like Monday
Went to the real estate school this morning to teach - and the class didn't make enrollment. That's the second time in a month that they've done this to me.
I'm enjoying this class, but I wish it were meatier. And, I'm seeing the need for a consultancy to mortgage brokers - most of them haven't a clue how these regulations are going to affect their business long-term.
Maybe I'll talk to the owner of the school about that.
I'm enjoying this class, but I wish it were meatier. And, I'm seeing the need for a consultancy to mortgage brokers - most of them haven't a clue how these regulations are going to affect their business long-term.
Maybe I'll talk to the owner of the school about that.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Memorializing Memorial Day
The pool party is over, and the jell-o shots are gone! Check out the pictures here -
Today, I've been snoozing, relaxing, doing some light housework and such. Made Philip some waffles this morning - that poor boy never had waffles that required having the egg whites whipped first. We watched the 1987 movie "The Lost Boys" - wow, how 80's that was! Next, we're headed to the Angelika to watch "Crash," and then to Lance & Steve's for dinner.
Teaching tomorrow (whoop!) and then, allegedly, a dinner date with Jayce.
Made brunch yesterday for the boys from Dallas, Mikey, Curt and Philip - bloodies, followed by mimosa and cinnamon rolls, then omelettes .. and of course, gallons of coffee. After recovering from that, I then dragged Philip up to Donna and Paul's for lots and LOTS of conversation and dinner. We hung out there until nearly 11 - and had a great time.
Now, the child is on the phone telling me about his week with PJ and his grandparents. What a day!
Today, I've been snoozing, relaxing, doing some light housework and such. Made Philip some waffles this morning - that poor boy never had waffles that required having the egg whites whipped first. We watched the 1987 movie "The Lost Boys" - wow, how 80's that was! Next, we're headed to the Angelika to watch "Crash," and then to Lance & Steve's for dinner.
Teaching tomorrow (whoop!) and then, allegedly, a dinner date with Jayce.
Made brunch yesterday for the boys from Dallas, Mikey, Curt and Philip - bloodies, followed by mimosa and cinnamon rolls, then omelettes .. and of course, gallons of coffee. After recovering from that, I then dragged Philip up to Donna and Paul's for lots and LOTS of conversation and dinner. We hung out there until nearly 11 - and had a great time.
Now, the child is on the phone telling me about his week with PJ and his grandparents. What a day!
Friday, May 27, 2005
Exactly what they're trying to write into the Texas Constitution
SECTION 1. Article I, Texas Constitution, is amended by
adding Section 32 to read as follows:
Sec. 32. (a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of
the union of one man and one woman.
(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may
not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to
marriage.
SECTION 2. This state recognizes that through the
designation of guardians, the appointment of agents, and the use of
private contracts, persons may adequately and properly appoint
guardians and arrange rights relating to hospital visitation,
property, and the entitlement to proceeds of life insurance
policies without the existence of any legal status identical or
similar to marriage.
adding Section 32 to read as follows:
Sec. 32. (a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of
the union of one man and one woman.
(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may
not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to
marriage.
SECTION 2. This state recognizes that through the
designation of guardians, the appointment of agents, and the use of
private contracts, persons may adequately and properly appoint
guardians and arrange rights relating to hospital visitation,
property, and the entitlement to proceeds of life insurance
policies without the existence of any legal status identical or
similar to marriage.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Thursday evening - red dirt and broken hearts
The dishwasher's going, Philip's at a concert of some monochromatic scale band (they sing songs all on the same note) and I've just finished watching "Red Dirt." Again. And, it made me cry again, but not as much as the first time I watched it.
Got a number of things done today, including making another 60 jell-o shots. Or thereabouts. More jell-o is needed for tomorrow.
Not a peep out of N8 the drunk, would be bisexual.
Tomorrow's going to be busy, well, steady. Weekend should be interesting.
I'm already tired! I guess I'll walk the dogs and hit the sack.
Got a number of things done today, including making another 60 jell-o shots. Or thereabouts. More jell-o is needed for tomorrow.
Not a peep out of N8 the drunk, would be bisexual.
Tomorrow's going to be busy, well, steady. Weekend should be interesting.
I'm already tired! I guess I'll walk the dogs and hit the sack.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Happy Hump Day
and what a hump day it's been already.
I woke at about 3:30 this morning having a weird, weird dream. It was about men and women I didn't know, having sex with this ethereal white dildo .. bizarre. So, I woke up from that and ..
had a flashback.
BIG flashback to 1960 or thereabouts. Suddenly, all kinds of things in my life and in my psyche became clear. It was like I had just gotten the center piece to the jigsaw puzzle, and as it clicked into place, all kinds of things I've been working on for years started to make sense. Elements of my personality and self-beliefs all suddenly fit, and their unworkability with who I am really had them all fall away.
Or start to.
Success, money, opportunity, accomplishment, men, dating, relationships, betrayal, my body image, sexuality, sexual behaviors, everything ..
So, I lay there processing away for about two hours. At 5:30, I decided I'd get up when Philip got up (6:00) and take the dogs out, make coffee (which he doesn't get on the way to work) and get started on all of the work that I have backlogged here. I laid out my whole morning, and was feeling very good about all of it.
And, at 5:50, N8 called. I haven't heard from N8 in a while - haven't seen him since New Year's Day when he came over all drunk. He says "I sent you some provocative gay emails this morning."
Given that another student had recently gone off on me about homosexuality being the root of all evil, I wasn't sure if this meant that he was interested or on the attack. So, I asked.
He's interested. He wants me to drive down to south of NASA and pick him up. He's drunk. Drunk, drunk, drunk.
And, he's a messy handful when he's drunk.
So, I saw Philip off. I made the bed. Did some secretary of state filing stuff for the church online. Wrote up the church minutes. Answered emails. Did my online banking. Took a shower. Made another cup of coffee. And thought .. well, he's hot, and he's smart, and he's nice to be around, but .. drunk?
I'd rather feel accomplished.
I woke at about 3:30 this morning having a weird, weird dream. It was about men and women I didn't know, having sex with this ethereal white dildo .. bizarre. So, I woke up from that and ..
had a flashback.
BIG flashback to 1960 or thereabouts. Suddenly, all kinds of things in my life and in my psyche became clear. It was like I had just gotten the center piece to the jigsaw puzzle, and as it clicked into place, all kinds of things I've been working on for years started to make sense. Elements of my personality and self-beliefs all suddenly fit, and their unworkability with who I am really had them all fall away.
Or start to.
Success, money, opportunity, accomplishment, men, dating, relationships, betrayal, my body image, sexuality, sexual behaviors, everything ..
So, I lay there processing away for about two hours. At 5:30, I decided I'd get up when Philip got up (6:00) and take the dogs out, make coffee (which he doesn't get on the way to work) and get started on all of the work that I have backlogged here. I laid out my whole morning, and was feeling very good about all of it.
And, at 5:50, N8 called. I haven't heard from N8 in a while - haven't seen him since New Year's Day when he came over all drunk. He says "I sent you some provocative gay emails this morning."
Given that another student had recently gone off on me about homosexuality being the root of all evil, I wasn't sure if this meant that he was interested or on the attack. So, I asked.
He's interested. He wants me to drive down to south of NASA and pick him up. He's drunk. Drunk, drunk, drunk.
And, he's a messy handful when he's drunk.
So, I saw Philip off. I made the bed. Did some secretary of state filing stuff for the church online. Wrote up the church minutes. Answered emails. Did my online banking. Took a shower. Made another cup of coffee. And thought .. well, he's hot, and he's smart, and he's nice to be around, but .. drunk?
I'd rather feel accomplished.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Monday, Monday ver. 632.01
Ah, a day at my computer - the first day in more than a week. I've been busting my butt working away from home for the last week and a half, and dealing with Jason's drama and moving the new sub-tenant in.
Jason came last night and picked up ALL of his stuff. It's all gone, he's gone, and I met his new benefactor. This time, a woman in her late 30s - you can see it written all over her that she has it for him BAD.
I was thinking of engaging him in conversation about it today (her falling for him so hard) but then, I thought .. why? It's for him to figure out, and her to deal with. It's clear to me that he uses charm, sexual potency and flirtation to survive, and that he'll be in his 50s, still pursuing a life of partying and finding the next person to live with.
The bedding is in the washer, all of the drawers and cabinets are pulled open, and the fogger is at work.
I guess the next thing that I should do is figure out WHY my printer is suddenly not working. After that, emails and faxes need go out. More later!
Jason came last night and picked up ALL of his stuff. It's all gone, he's gone, and I met his new benefactor. This time, a woman in her late 30s - you can see it written all over her that she has it for him BAD.
I was thinking of engaging him in conversation about it today (her falling for him so hard) but then, I thought .. why? It's for him to figure out, and her to deal with. It's clear to me that he uses charm, sexual potency and flirtation to survive, and that he'll be in his 50s, still pursuing a life of partying and finding the next person to live with.
The bedding is in the washer, all of the drawers and cabinets are pulled open, and the fogger is at work.
I guess the next thing that I should do is figure out WHY my printer is suddenly not working. After that, emails and faxes need go out. More later!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Funky Humpy day
Showed up for class this morning - didn't make enrollment and CXLD. Then, a call from UHCL - same story for my LSAT class.
Of course, they don't PUBLICIZE the LSAT class, so no one knows it's going on. How do they expect there to be enrollment when there's no knowledge on the part of the world that we're doing it?
So, I've told them "no more LSAT classes." I'm just not going to schedule these things to have them repeatedly cancelled 48 hours before the class is to "go up."
I think I need to get away from this "all work, all the time" schedule, where there is no time that's set aside to just hang out. I think it's affecting my overall productivity.
I'm working on PJ's documents she wants. I can't find anything directly on point to plagiarze. Which sucks. She didn't send me my FedEx. She claims she dropped it last night "after seven," which pretty much means she hasn't sent it at ALL.
The boy just called; I haven't heard from him in two days.
Of course, they don't PUBLICIZE the LSAT class, so no one knows it's going on. How do they expect there to be enrollment when there's no knowledge on the part of the world that we're doing it?
So, I've told them "no more LSAT classes." I'm just not going to schedule these things to have them repeatedly cancelled 48 hours before the class is to "go up."
I think I need to get away from this "all work, all the time" schedule, where there is no time that's set aside to just hang out. I think it's affecting my overall productivity.
I'm working on PJ's documents she wants. I can't find anything directly on point to plagiarze. Which sucks. She didn't send me my FedEx. She claims she dropped it last night "after seven," which pretty much means she hasn't sent it at ALL.
The boy just called; I haven't heard from him in two days.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Tuesday - BD day
It's all about business development today. Still waiting for my renewal of my mortgage loan officer license to come together - just a few more things to put in place.
Have to work with CP on this idea for a mortgage shop. It's interesting. Everyone's eager for me to re-enter the business AND that I do so in a better environment.
Have to work with CP on this idea for a mortgage shop. It's interesting. Everyone's eager for me to re-enter the business AND that I do so in a better environment.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
A Jason-ic update
He's a stripper at my bar that I go to all the time. About a month ago (tomorrow, in fact) he came over to "hang out" for a while. He just hasn't left, and all of his stuff has moved in. Mostly.
He works four nights a week stripping; comes home at dawn all .. Whatever .. Sleeps all day. Has tons of hooker drama that he talks about incessantly. He doesn't contribute to food or shelter, only started helping me clean up around here in the last few days, and stopped asking me for money a week ago after I complained VERY sharply about it.
We've not had sex at all. He'll invite me to hold him and touch him by flopping into bed with me some mornings (such as this morning) and he's getting very kissy, but that's it.
He asserts he's straight.
Last night at the bar, I was out with my friends Mikey and Curt, and Jason (the boy) was hanging around me until the minute it was time for him to go out on stage and work. Fully clothed; the other dancers were working the bar patrons mostly naked. He was demanding my attention; usually in the past he's said hello or a few things, then gone back to orbiting the bar undressed to make money.
Last night, he insisted I come watch him strip; we hiked over to the stage (we were outside) and he left the stage to come into the audience just once - to come up to hug on me. He's either claiming his territory or something; he's making it plain that he's with me there in the bar.
But, he's straight. He'll tell anyone that. Especially me.
So, I have someone living in my house that contributes nothing, but is generally very nice to me. He's involved in the bar life and all of its drama, and I'm getting nothing done (I'm self-employed and work from home.) Thus .. Decisions must be reached.
And, I've rented out "his" room - starting this next Friday. I haven't told him yet; I'll broach that subject tomorrow.
Fun, huh?
Tonight, we went to Curt's house for barbecue - Jason was very cranky all the way down there (Mikey woke him up to get in the car) but when my buddy Joseph showed up (very VERY hot Hispanic man, muscle bear, loves me) Jason started to move to protect his territory again. It was so obvious that Mikey was cracking up.
He works four nights a week stripping; comes home at dawn all .. Whatever .. Sleeps all day. Has tons of hooker drama that he talks about incessantly. He doesn't contribute to food or shelter, only started helping me clean up around here in the last few days, and stopped asking me for money a week ago after I complained VERY sharply about it.
We've not had sex at all. He'll invite me to hold him and touch him by flopping into bed with me some mornings (such as this morning) and he's getting very kissy, but that's it.
He asserts he's straight.
Last night at the bar, I was out with my friends Mikey and Curt, and Jason (the boy) was hanging around me until the minute it was time for him to go out on stage and work. Fully clothed; the other dancers were working the bar patrons mostly naked. He was demanding my attention; usually in the past he's said hello or a few things, then gone back to orbiting the bar undressed to make money.
Last night, he insisted I come watch him strip; we hiked over to the stage (we were outside) and he left the stage to come into the audience just once - to come up to hug on me. He's either claiming his territory or something; he's making it plain that he's with me there in the bar.
But, he's straight. He'll tell anyone that. Especially me.
So, I have someone living in my house that contributes nothing, but is generally very nice to me. He's involved in the bar life and all of its drama, and I'm getting nothing done (I'm self-employed and work from home.) Thus .. Decisions must be reached.
And, I've rented out "his" room - starting this next Friday. I haven't told him yet; I'll broach that subject tomorrow.
Fun, huh?
Tonight, we went to Curt's house for barbecue - Jason was very cranky all the way down there (Mikey woke him up to get in the car) but when my buddy Joseph showed up (very VERY hot Hispanic man, muscle bear, loves me) Jason started to move to protect his territory again. It was so obvious that Mikey was cracking up.
Friday, May 06, 2005
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