Hump Day Contemplations

Have a lot on my mind today - a LOT. Spent a lot of time meditating today after my telephone conversation with my Aunt Liz last night. I've been thinking about all of the situations in my life where someone has promised me that they would do something that would benefit me, and then they don't do. All of the employment situations, all of the arrangements with my family (going to college, buying real estate together, etc.) All of the agreements I've made with myself.

I have been looking at my time in Landmark nine years ago (ish) and thinking about how easily I made things happen back then in certain areas of life. Not uniformly, but just where it wasn't going to dramatically improve my own life. That's pretty much gone again.

I've also been looking at my own patterns - like having repeatedly offered to let some young man stay with me here in my apartment. It's not about seeking love, it's about giving myself an excuse to not have to accomplish anything, and to validate my own story about people not supporting me, or something along those lines.

I was trying to explain the basics of double-entry book keeping last night, and it was TOUGH to do. It's hard to understand by myself, having not studied accounting theory.

Michael McLemore called Sunday night - he's coming into town on Saturday and will be staying here. (rolls eyes) Part of me feels like fucking the snot out of him just to be mean. Part of me want to tell him to find another idiot to host him. Well, most of me wants to do that.

Judy's son comes in on Thursday for the weekend - goes to his Uncle's in Baytown on Sunday afternoon next week. So, I have a week before his arrival. God, I have NO idea what is going to develop with that visit.

Been spending a lot of time thinking about this pattern of mine of moving boys in - I think I've concluded that it's more of giving myself an excuse NOT to perform in my own life, and less trying to gain someone's attention and confidence. I've decided that, when Philip goes back to MSU, I'm going to a.) take my platform bed (that I bought for myself and for that Hispanic bastard back when you lived on Stroud) and donate the platform frame etc. to the resale shop, b.) knock down the bed in this "guest" room, and c.) buy a full sized bed frame for the mattress/foundation set in here, and put it into my room. Then, I'm buying a desk. I'm going to convert this room into a damned office. I have a fold out cot, should I really really need it, but, this is a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. Bleh.