perhaps the third time's the charm

Okay, so this will be the third time I try to post this.

It's another rainy afternoon in Baghdad on the Bayou. My friend Larry calls Houston by that name, and I don't know if it's for the politics or the climate, but I like it.

So, it stays.

Saw Curtis last night. He came over about midnight, which woke me up, and spent the night. Seems he's gotten his 19 year old girlfriend pregnant, and he's very happy about it.

I think it's akin to putting a shotgun to your head and pulling the trigger. But that's just me.

My poem "Bumper Cars" has been selected for publication in a book by poetry.com "because of its unique perspective and vision." Plus, they want to sell me a book for fifty bucks.

Yep. Fifty bucks. Oh, if I want a personal profile about myself, I have to pay $25.00 for that.

Sounds like a scam. However, I can now add "published poet" to my list of accomplishments.

Curtis needed to borrow some money - he's been spending his time either sick or driving his girlfriend around for a family health emergency and hasn't been working. He paid me back once; I guess I'm pushing the envelope.

Speaking of bois and their needs, I heard from PJ last week. He sent a nice email; but after only an exchange of ONE set of messages, the truth came out - he wants something. This time - for me to create a fake tax document for him so that he can pretend he had a job and income and can get an apartment.

Yeah, right.

About to crack open some files and get more work done, then tonight, R&R are bribing me with dinner to continue helping them with their QuickBooks. Tomorrow night, Brian is coming over for divo-ghetti, which will be fun.

Did another tax return for a "displaced person" today. In other words, someone who had a job, lost the job, couldn't find other work and is now living at friends' homes or under a bridge. There but for the grace of God ..

Eric from Vancouver is coming down in the next few weeks to work on some websites for me and to generally raise the energy level. He operates at a pre-school/nuclear power plant level, and should make things quite lively. I'm looking forward to him coming down. He's just "right between the eyes" direct. Calls a spade a spade.

Other than that, things are same-ol', same-ol'. I complete five full years of living in my apartment at the end of this month - I think that this is the longest that I've lived anywhere since I moved from my mom's house.

Now, if I could just put down a nice, taupe ceramic or stone tile on the floor ...

And that's the way it is .. for hump day, March 5.

Safe travels...

Apres Valentine's Day

Mikey came over today, and worked on my PC. It's MUCH improved; things that haven't worked right since we updated the Windows are now working, although the printer/scanner thing is still not functional. We also went and had pictures developed, shopped for birthday cards, gay stuff, used DVDs and groceries. It was a nice afternoon; he left around 5:00 and then I goofed around, did more laundry and watched HBO Sunday.

Back to San Jacinto tomorrow for another meeting to help secure my future employment. I have to go to Memorial Park tomorrow after work, and start trading evening lay about time for evening walk six miles time.

Also got caught up on sending emails tonight, and some other communication issues. Still haven't balanced my checkbook, or paid bills. Something about needing to have income first.

Realized that I did create a marketing plan more than a year ago; Michael just never read or commented on it. John (Michael's brother-in-law) seems to like what I've written.

Have a bunch of little things to do tomorrow morning at work; I may even get some work done.

Nothing profound to write tonight - just realized that playing with bisexual guys is a waste of time; they are just not after the same thing, ultimately. Curtis is a nice lad, but it's time for him to move along. Him and the rest of his ilk.

Best wishes for the new week to you, gentle reader.

D -

To XM or not to XM

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking about subscribing to XM radio; I love the "toy" aspect of the service. However, the question remained - am I someone who would pay $10 a month for radio service?

Last night, I went to Richard & Rick's for dinner, and was trying to listen to the new 80's station in the car. They advertise that they have the FEWEST commercials.

The entire 14 minute trip over there - commercials.

So, yes, I am someone who would pay for satellite radio.

Things are slow as molasses in February here at the office. No, or few tax returns each day, loan referrals have nearly stopped, and I believe I ran off the only realtor who was giving me business, because I wouldn't put up with his abusive nonsense anymore.

We haven't been doing marketing, and things just seem to have stopped.

This was rather what I was afraid of when things started to go well with San Jacinto college - that the business that was supporting me and my life would fall apart as soon as the new thing manifested.

Scary.

This business just so sucks - the grocery store hasn't closed and funded; it's been put off another two days, which puts the funding into next week, which means .. I'm still anxious and feeling broke.

Curtis is actually paying me back, which is a world first - I gave a boi some money, and he's driving over tonight, the night he promised originally, to pay me back.

I don't know if I will know how to act.

Did I mention [here] that UH-CL has reniged on expanding my teaching schedule? I think I have.

I guess it's time to start thinking about what's next for me ..

More later.

the importance of chicken soup

Also, the importance of not overloading your computer with too many active windows ...

Yesterday, I was sick. The kind of sick that makes where you are TOO out of it to hope that death takes you before the next wave of stomach distress comes over you. I slept 22 hours yesterday, was in bed so long that my body hurt from just being reclined.

Have you ever been so sore that you couldn't find a comfortable position? I can't imagine what it must be like to be incapacitated in bed for weeks or months.

After getting up to call in sick, I slept until 4:50 yesterday afternoon. I called my friend James and left him a voice mail asking him to please pick me up some chicken soup, since I needed to eat SOMETHING.

An hour later, he was at my door, Progresso soup and comfort in hand.

James is just the kind of friend that everyone must have to have a successful life. He's what they were talking about when they said "Chicken Soup for the Soul."

Just was on the Airliners.net website looking at their aviation forums - they had one series that was a hoot - best airliner nicknames. My favorite was for the Tupelov Tu-154 (a Russian copy of the Boeing 727) - called "727 diesel."

I have to make cinnamon rolls tonight for class tomorrow (in church.)

Working this weekend, working on personal financial record keeping, working here at work, working (on Sunday) on Richard and Rick's financial record keeping (why are they setting up QuickBooks? Rick won't use it.)

Oh boy. Another weekend with no prospect for down time.

Curtis is going to see WWF tonight with his girlfriend. I'm sure I'll see him sometime this weekend, since he needs to pick up his laundry.

Bill has packed up his fish tank, and has moved on/up. I need to have my own conversation with Michael about commission structures and the like here.

Well, I asked for a sign

Be careful what you wish for.

Bill, from all appearances, is about to pack up his shovel and pail and head for another sandbox. I like him, but it's probably for the best all around.

According to the IRS, Michael's making his employees pay the employer portion of FUTA and Medicare tax is illegal, and so I'm thinking of spending part of my weekend calculating how much he's shorted me over the last year, and telling him about it.

That, and a raise.

Tonight, I promised Jeffrey yet again that I would go to the car club monthly meeting, and lo - Dr. John called and was having an emotional crisis of sorts, and he kept me until 8:15 talking about it. So, I missed it yet again.

I love Jeffrey and Steven to DEATH, but that car club paradigm is like trying to socialize with the two newest debutantes - their dance card is PACKED, and I just stand around looking at the same old cars and the same old queens while they try to keep up, socially.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to be working until about 9:00 - retail hours to accomodate two girls who need their taxes done and can't get there before 8:00. The check cashing store down the street is sending, on average, three new tax customers a day down to me, and that's awesome.

Heard from a recruiter today - a woman I haven't heard from in two years. Suddenly, this morning, she calls. Amazing. I'll see what they have to offer.

Another night that I just can't sleep to save my life.

Curtis came over last night around midnight; which of course, woke me up. I guess I got back to bed around 1:00 or so. I don't know when he came to bed; but he clearly tried to watch some television before he did.

No one (who doesn't resemble me and live here) can figure out how to just watch the cable TV at my place. They always try to tune with the TV, and not with the cable box. That, and they can't figure out that everything is routed through the stereo receiver.

It's always amusing.

I've been thinking about putting new wheels on Ruby - she needs tires, but wheels are excelsior. Then, as I was walking the mutts for the fourth time today, I got to thinking that I could probably get a decent 32 - 36" TV for the price of four wheels ($650) and do that instead of the new wheels.

So, I'm thinking.

Wrote to Chris Ayres tonight for the first time in a while. Only three and a half months until auditions for "Forum," and I have GOT to be the best that auditions.

Well, that's all I can think of for tonight. No profundity. Later!

So, sometimes I have good taste

Of late, I've been focusing on trying to maintain my sanity and trying to help Curtis through some rough times.

Tonight, Scott asked me to come work with him (which I'm seriously thinking about) and Curtis dropped in at the restaurant where we were having a glass of wine. Curtis dropped in to pick up a few dollars that I was loaning him to cover his picking up his dog and cat from the animal shelter (long story) until he gets his paycheck.

Scott about popped out an ovum or two upon seeing Curtis. He about fainted after Curtis got up and left - he had the vapours.

So - to work with Scott or not? Is the grass greener?

University of Houston - Clear Lake, in a totally predictable move, reniged on their promise of increasing my teaching schedule by 100% and so I'm back to the old eight Saturdays a year.

You are as flexible as you can possibly be, helpful, prompt, a rave with the students -

And they still fuck you.

San Jac called today - hopefully, that will go better.

God, please tell me which way to jump. And none of that "it's your choice" shit.

It's been a while since I've posted -

I've had Stevan (the dog groomer) AND Curtis staying with me this week. So, this means WAY sleep deprived. Curtis comes over around 11:00 or so and wants to play on the computer until 2:00; Stevan comes home around midnight or so and the dogs go absolutely haywire with both of them coming in. So, sleep doesn't occur until later, and, of course, when Curtis crawls into bed, that wakes me up as well.

All this and I'm not getting laid.

Tomorrow to San Antonio to help Richard's father sort out his trust and probate matters before he re-marries.

Beantown. At least this time we're staying in a hotel. Back on Saturday, so that weekend won't be a total loss.

Have to find out of Curtis is staying with me over the weekend or not. His new place isn't ready yet, so I offered to let him stay with me.

I'll think of something profound to write soon. Until then ..

Love, D -

Sunny Thursdays

Something's wrong with Ruby; while I know that she needs new tires, but driving her causes the whole front end to wobble, which seems odd. She has always had this little rumble and jolt thing in the left front brake, and I wonder if it has cut loose somehow.

Anyway.

I just likened the business that I'm in to trying to harrow a field using some teeth strung on a necklace.

Brrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Another rude north wind has stepped into town today. Today was hectic, with lots of loan inquiries, things to be worked on, and a two hour meeting with Michael about the trend of things.

I'm so looking forward to the mental background improvement of having everything organized at home, that I can hardly wait for the end of the day!

Earlier today, I peeked into gay.com, and saw this guy -
Gay.com Personals

This is someone who could get me forgetting about Curtis.

The refreshment of garbage, the comfort of vinyl

Greg contacted me tonight. Ah, Greg. There was torture in the past, but what wonderful inspiration for a performance in a musical two years ago.

I spent part of tonight going through my two big, plastic file boxes and tossing old paperwork. Just for good measure, I went through my filing cabinet (now, just admit it, you immediately thought of a big, grey thing with four drawers and steel handles, rusting on the bottom, and jammed with old papers. Fie! A pox on you for imagining such a thing in MY casita!) and pulled out more old and useless paperwork. Now, I'm only one casual evening away from having all lof my papers filed in neat order. TWO big kitchen garbage bags of stuff to the trash tonight. I feel lighter already!

I may have the bed cleared off before Friday. In the guest room. My bed is cleared every night.

Sigh.

I've been listening to vinyl tonight. First were two lovely jazz albums, Cleo Lane, and then a montage of jazz singers - second was the 1977 smash album "Main Course" by the BeeGees, and now I'm listening to the sound track to "Electric Dreams," that crappy, sappy 1980s movie about a computer that takes over a guy's life. The title cut is AWESOME.

The rest of the album is crappy, though - just like the movie that spawned it.

It's so comforting to listen to vinyl. It's just so .. warm.

Yes, I know everyone and their dog has used that term to compare vinyl to CDs or other digital music, but .. it fits.

Get over it.

I'm going to be SO happy to have all this crap gone through and organized.

When Johnny died, I had quite an awakening about all this 'crap' that is so important in life. I realized that all that "stuff" he was so obsessed about was suddenly meaningless to anyone. It was just waste paper.

So, I've been going through all this stuff tonight, and tossing anything that I'm truly not going to use again, or won't be amused or happy to have saved a few years from now.

And enjoying the freedom of knowing that all this crap I've tossed out will NEVER again plague the back of my mind.

Once I'm done here, I'll be able to quickly and easily locate anything that I have kept in this apartment. Possibly for the first time since I started keeping records around 1981.

Now, I have more stuff to decide on before Friday - the big package of UPS shipper stuff, for instance. Am I really going to make a go of an eBay part time career? No, probably not. Should I keep all this stuff? No, probably not.

I have another big eBay garage sale coming up, though, so maybe I should hang on to it for a short while. My goal is to have all these dresser drawers emptied out - by the end of February.

And everything framed and up on the walls that's going.

I wish now that I had the speakers in this bedroom wired up. It would make listening to the stereo so much better in here.

Okay, time to empty the dogs and contemplate going to bed. Prayers to people in Mexico City and the surrounding areas -

And love to you, gentle readers..

Divo

Last night, I got up from bed (buzzing of the brain) and came in to write (what I thought was) a brilliant blog. Dashing, it was. I clicked "post and publish," and ..

the universe came to an end. My blog was lost. So, now I must try to re-create it. Can one ever re-create such a thing?

There were meanderings about my ongoing airport dream, about flying to Kuala Lumpur, about ....

Paradise lost.

Took some pictures of the apartment last night. I have eight more pictures on this roll to take, then I'll have the film developed.

Heard from Matthew yesterday; he's been fired, and has all the other concommitant 22 year old drama going on in his life. He still was open to having me take him someplace nice for dinner, and get him drunk on expensive booze.

Uh, no.

Trying to track down old friends today - and work on credit reports...

Hope you have a great day!

Oh, and James - thanks for bringing Vietnamese for lunch yesterday. Life has rather sucked lately, and that was a bright spot.

Apres moi, le deluge

Well, it's another day.

Just as I was starting to think that things couldn't turn around, they did. Anticipatorily, anyway.

But since human beings exist on hope, not reality, it's more important to have things LOOK like they're turning out than actually turning out.

Actually, I think I need to cook up a poem about what really drives people. That's something else on my list for tomorrow.

Curtis (as distinct from Kurtis) was supposed to come over tonight. He said that he was going to be partying at his house - I hope I talked him out of it.

When is enough ENOUGH?

Today's imponderable question is: When is it enough? How long do you beat your head against the wall before throwing in the towel and starting again somewhere else? Is a year enough? When do you become sure enough that you have tried it long enough that you don't question that you moved?

15 months ago, I was unemployed in the wake of psycho Judy and the business model that spent money but developed no sales. My law school friend Michael wanted me to work with him setting up a tax preparation and [maybe] mortgage office near my apartment. He would front the money to set it up, I'd provide all the labor. I would only be paid for what I produced - a percentage of the tax prep profits, and a percentage of income from mortgages. So, we've lurched along now, with a hand written agreement that is totally non-specific as to WHEN profits would be analyzed and paid, and I've worked my tail off, even though I've harbored a grudge since before I said yes over his comment "I want to harness your brain and make money off of it."

I said yes to his proposal not because I wanted to, or because I thought it was the best opportunity, but because, frankly gentle reader, there was NOTHING ELSE TO CHOOSE FROM.

And here I am.

The mortgage business is, as Michael calls it, a commodity. All things devolve eventually into a commodity. And in a commodity market, there is nothing to distinguish the product; the only way to make income is to enhance volume. Thus, in my business, there is nothing to distinguish a user from one to the next - their choice is frequently made on the basis of a personal feeling, or arbitrary matters.

In other words, in the mortgage business, I am not unique.

There are other issues - but, the bottom line is that I struggle to make a living every month, and I just feel that I'm too damned old to have to fight to survive every month.

However, what else can I do that will support me while I try to re-create myself into an emerging marketplace, rather than being a competitor in a commodity market?

The program into which I intend to place myself is one which is truly emerging. The doctoral degree programs have only existed a few years, and I would be one of a very small number of people who would be out consulting with such credentials. It will take me three years or so to finish, and so my life needs to support me and the tuition and expenses during that period.

Since my entry into adulthood, I've never really looked at myself, until today, as being on the wrong end of the market curve. When I went to law school, I was cresting a wave or law school enrollments that broke onto the shores of humanity in the United States, swamping everyone with a glut of lawyers, all looking for some way to scratch out a living.

I started bankruptcy law just at a time that it was becoming automated; just as I was getting known and very good at it, Windows versions of the software became readily available, and anyone with a couple hundred bucks and a law license could be a "bankrtupcy lawyer."

I went into the mortgage business at the tail end of a mortgage broker's being able to well and truly accomplish something for a client; now, anyone with perfect credit can get a loan over the internet with very little effort. Mortgage brokers will fairly soon go the way of the buggy whip -

Do I want to ride that wave down to its predictable end?

Clearly, not.

Once more, with feeling

Matthew cancelled today - I guess that was fine - it was much cheaper than actually driving over to pick him up, taking him somewhere for dinner, then getting involved in any way only THEN to be snaggled by the "maybe" monster.

The maybe monster is a device used by younger people to avoid making a commitment or a negative reply. "Will you go to the party with me?" "Probably."

"Probably" falls into the great Divo rule of "any answer other than yes is no." "Probably" is "no" with a knife.

"Probably" means "not yes, but I'll have you think yes while I see if something better than you and your idea comes along."

Matthew is a heavy user of "probably."

Today, I asked a friend of mine if he'd like to come to my cocktail party, and he answered "Probably - I'll write it down, and see if I can make it."

Turns out he's been sick. I probably shouldn't have accused him of spending too much time chasing youngsters.

He does, though.

Finally following advice -

Sometimes, it only takes a while.

Before 09/11/01, I finally got certified to lead Zenger Miller courses through Camber Corporation. Three weeks later, "they" blew up the World Trade Center, and .. well ..

That job really ended because Psycho Judy had blown through four years of development budget in just under two years - and brought in ONE contract for a single day's training of $800.

Did I mention that they paid out more than $800 to go down and deliver the training?

Anyway, I like the 09/11/01 excuse better - it sounds so .. community oriented.

After I got nuked over at Camber, I approached UH-CL, for whom I've been teaching since 1995, and I asked them if they would be interested in doing the Zenger Miller thing. After six months, and two meetings, they decided not to pursue it, and my boss over there told me to approach San Jacinto Junior College about it.

So, I put it off. For six months. Or better.

Today, after having one loan blow up and and a "friend" blow me off on an appraisal comment, I called.

They nearly hired me over the phone. So, I go tomorrow at 2:00 to meet with them.

She seemed to sound like they had a LOT of classes to teach. So, who gives a flip about whether the interest rates go up or down?

I should be starting this by the end of February.

Matthew, Chapter Two, Verse One

A lovely evening at Richard's again - it's cold here tonight!! 37F/2C! Brrrr!

Today was somewhat productive, and will be an early evening to bed. I got caught up on records filing, and am waffling on whether to put a light in my curio over the porcelain goddess, which will hold my airline glass.

Talked to Matthew today for a while. Last we exchanged messages, he said he thought it would be better if we were just friends.

Today, we seem to have had an about-face. He mentioned that he had been bored and lonely, and that I had "always shown him a good time."

So, the bottom line is that we're going to dinner tomorrow night, my anti-Y pledge notwithstanding.

I'll report in later.

Tonight's pearl of wisdom, from "Sex and the City." It goes - "There are three things that people in the city are always looking for: A job, an apartment and a man. Why is it that, when I have two of three that are fabulous, I define myself by my lack of the third?"

Amen, sister.

Joey the Satanic Flirt and the Purple Bedroom

It's nearly 4:30 today, and time to go home and see where things are. The guest room/den/room-E is finished in Polo blue and Polo minty green (colors that my extra-sized office at Big Nellie Mortgage was painted - they now have THREE people in there - imagine?) and we'll see how it looks like when I've shoved the furniture back in it.

I have to find someone unsuspecting to help me move furniture back IN to the room tonight, and help me move furniture from my bedroom OUT. This means that by tomorrow evening, the painting will be done, the house will be mine again and EVERYTHING will have been dusted, polished, cleaned under and behind, and so on.

Perhaps Curtis is available tonight.

Okay, it's time to stop pretending I'm a mortgage broker, and go home to walk the dogs. My friend Z tells me I'm ALWAYS walking the dogs.

I'm sure they don't think so.

Put a bunch of VHS tapes and books on Amazon last night, and they're flying off the shelves! I sold six tapes today and a book. Very exciting.

Hopefully, I can figure some other way to unload the detritus of overcollecting.

How many gasoline cans constitutes anal retentivity?
(the update to how many angels can dance on the head of a pin)

Yesterday was initially an exercise in frustration. Since New Year's, I have been running into roadblocks outside my control that have pushed closing dates back. In my reality, closing dates = income. About 1:30 in the afternoon, my friend James started calling me - he sounded tense. Seems that he had rented a U-Haul to move some furniture, and had run out of diesel.

Funny, but I had just that morning moved one of my red, plastic gasoline containers from the pantry (don't ask) to the bathroom cabinet (I said - don't ask.) I was delighted with James' need, because a.) it was a valid reason to leave the office, and b.) it gave me a reason to poison one of my gasoline containers with diesel, and thereby get rid of it, leaving me with one.

So, I dashed out of the office, ran home, grabbed one gasoline container from the bathroom (now, quit it. I can see you over there thinking about asking, and we covered that.) Popped into the car and drove over to the stranded James and his BF Bassem. As I was driving, I thought .. "Don't I have a gasoline can in the trunk of the car?"

Yes, I did. So, I had THREE gasoline containers -

Does that constitute anal retentivity, or just good planning?

My home is still all caterwampus (another technical term) as Joey the satanistic flirt paints. Gradually.

Today, he promises to be done with the living room, and that means I can put all of the furniture back in place. Once that's done, all of the furniture in the den/guest room gets moved so that they can paint THAT room.

Then, I have to buy paint for my bedroom and contemplate new bed linens.

I'd ask my boy Brian to help me pick out bed linens, but his tastes run to Nieman's and Frette.

Spent part of my last night looking at pictures of first class compartments on major international airlines. Woof! British Airways looks to be the most luxurious around. How can I find a job where all I have to do is fly around the world to places I haven't seen or love a lot in first class?

Time to make something happen in the laundry room. More as it happens.

Opus 2, Vol 12, Movement 29

Enteracte -

(Joey enters, stands quietly up right)

Day nine of my self-enforced "no Y Chromosome" campaign. Things have gone relatively well. Today, Sunday, I did not log onto gay.coma at all. My realtor called me at about 7:00 to ask where the heck I'd been all day - he stays logged in ALL day. Yesterday, I was on around 9:00 at night for 10 minutes, then logged off in disgust. Friday, I wasn't on at all.

Friday night, I intended to just watch DVDs and be quiet. Saturday, Stevan (the dog groomer) came over early, and we cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Pulled everything away from the walls, cleaned behind, under and around, put away the Christmas stuff, threw out four boxes (he's an efficient packing machine) and I bagged up three big bags of clothes for the next garage sale. I also started through my picture/image collection, and re-framed a bunch of stuff. Today, I hung up most of my Continental Airlines stuff, and got the rest of my Lockheed Constellation stuff ready to take to the office. I still have about three Continental things that I need to frame, and then there are the two 20th Century posters, and the eight 20th Century magazine ads that need to be framed.

Been talking to Eric from LA (who really lives in Vancouver) about colors for the apartment, and he's got some great suggestions. I want to bring him down here to help me finish up my website work, and to .. heck .. I don't know .. hang out and drink.

So, yesterday and today were productive, even though the guest bed still looks like someone urped all over it.

Urped is a technical term for "vomited." It comes from the midwest.

Back to Joey. Isn't it nice that he's been sitting patiently in the background?

So, Joey was sent to me by Scott (aka Scotticia, aka Scooter butt) for some home improvement stuff. Now, I knew that Scott had been all a-twitter (another technical term) for Joey for months after having met him on AOL. However, I was not prepared for his demon sexiness when he arrived Friday night to "check out what I needed done."

Now, let me be clear - Joey is NOT flirtatious. But, it seems he's done a stint as a male dancer, and so he knows how to work the crowd. He wanted to jump right into the home improvement work, so Friday night, he wired up some halogen lights over my sofa table (bought them six months ago, never installed) and re-wired my home theater (running the wires behind the walls and so on; something I had wanted to have done for nearly five years.) The home theater now ROCKS it sounds so awesome.

Now, while doing this, he peeled out of his shirt, wearing only his white shiney Addidas warm-up pants, which revealed quite clearly that he was commando.

He asked for 1/4 down (which I gladly coughed up) and said he'd be back in about a week.

Now, he's calling several times a day, wanting to get started RIGHT NOW.

I need to schedule him to work when I'm at work, so that I don't have him naked in front of me. It would detract from the anti-Y campaign, totally. I'd start getting ideas, and then I'd develop expectations.

Which lead to cramps.

I have decided that this next year will be the year of the website. I'm going to re-do drdivo, my personal site, and I'm going to have my airline site launched (it will be nearly functional, but won't offer tickets or travel .. 'cause that would be bad. However, I do intend to create and market marked goods - like leather travel folios, luggage tags, etc.) So, I wrote to E tonight and asked him to come down. Then, I need to meet with David (the married - talk about distracting) and visit with him about the airline site.

So - time to try to watch "Enigma" again. It's billed as a "thriller" and it's really [so far] about as exciting as watching white paint dry. On a wall that was already white. In a place you don't own. Or care about.

Ciao!

Memories, Christmas memories -

I'm listening to an old LP of Christmas music - instrumentals - that my mother used to play all the time when we were little. The sound is so rich, and the popping and static reminds me of those holidays in the 1960s and 1970s when the snow was heavy, and thick, the colored christmas lights shone out from their nests of white, and it was toasty warm inside.

My mother and her sisters always put their all into the holidays - decorating, baking, selecting presents and wrapping them - now that I'm that age, I wonder how they did it all. They created a magical, special environment that gave meaning to the idea of Santa Claus and the human interaction that this time is supposed to bring us.

I have to fight to keep the house clean, and if it weren't for the internet, no one would get a present of any kind.

Sometimes, I think that we just lose the ability to experience that magic again, because of our age, and the pressing responsibilities that we have as adults.

But, four years ago, my sister and her girlfriend were able to re-create that magic when I spent Christmas at their home in Albany - so I know that it's possible.

This was one of the first holiday seasons where I didn't have huge emotional upheaval related to my family. For eleven years; from 1988 to 1991, I was PNG with most of my family. Before my mother went into a home, she and my sister were planning family events for Thanksgiving where I was excluded. My father would beg me to attend Christmas, and a few hours later his wife would call and say that they had no place to put me, they didn't have enough places at the table, they were going to one of his sister's homes and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go there.

So, every holiday was a struggle from about October until today. I didn't spend Christmas with my family for years. Today, and earlier in the season, I was noticing that there was this huge absence of emotional stress around the holidays. It's just a big irritation in the middle of the work effort around the end of the year.

Tomorrow morning, most of the rest of the world and I go back to work.

My sister gave me a book that looks to be a HOOT - a novel about the life of the wicked witch of the west! She also gave me a switchplate cover that's pink with stars on it and says "Princess" - which will go on the wall next to the bedroom closet door tonight later. A new Star Trek key chain .. all amusing stuff.

I'm now listening to the Messiah. The sound of LPs is so rich, compared to CDs and other digitized forms.

Another Christmas past.

Back to reality.