Dark and gloomy Tuesday. Filing must be done today, as must the completion of the Fabulair business plan. I plan to bake bread, and such. A day with tasks, and no schedule!

I'm going to copy and paste an article from an Indian man which is very moving -

Joel has wandered off to check on a job application and walk the dogs, so I have a brief period alone. I don't think I'll be able to go get my car battery until after 5:00 tonight, so I have to finish my homework, write something for Mitch, and work on the business plan for Fabulair AND replace my battery and drive up to Spring before 7:00 tonight. Today has been just frenetic.

Okay .. it's a bit later. I got Mitch's thing done, got my homework done, and now am waiting for Mikey to come over to take me to get a new battery for Ruby. Joel and I are on our way out to the car to see about taking the battery OUT. Good lord.

The coffeepot is gurgling, and the stray is up and about. Two hours until Guy's birthday brunch (observed.) Yesterday felt so like Sunday ALL day.

Spent a few hours at Donna and Paul's yesterday, talking about business opportunities, and about social and political events and trends. This afternoon, going to the UH Wellness center with Guy to get weighed and BMI measured (I'm scared) and to look at a house we could rent. Then, Joel needs to go up off 1960 to meet his ex-boyfriend and pick up a notebook, and then ..

Will I get my homework done today?

I went through everything in the other dresser yesterday, making room for Joel's stuff. I have about a dozen posters to be framed .. and no wall space to hang them. Some of the stuff is REALLY great.

I have to create some money really fast this week. I had a little thing I thought I had to write up for a client by tomorrow, but she seems to have found someone else to do it.

Thursday that's going much better than last.

Today, I have to do some clean-up work, and then tonight at 6:00, I have a seminar about the tax law changes for 2004. Tomorrow, a hearing on my tax deal, an appointment with a business plan client from three weeks ago at 2:00 -

I picked him up about 6:00, then took him "home" to where he had been staying. Oh, my God. What a nightmare! The "roomie" was sitting alone, in the dark, with the doors locked. We went in, Joel turned on a light, and I was horrified at the condition of the place - it looks like someone has just moved in and not yet unpacked. Joel went to take a shower, leaving me in the living room with the roommate, who looks like he should be collecting tolls under a bridge. The roomie whined in a voice that could cut slate until he suddenly jumped up and went into the bathroom where Joel was showering.

The roomie then tried to convince Joel not to leave by promising that he (the roomie) was seeking help. I was just horrified that the guy interrupted Joel's shower to impose himself in that manner. Yikes. Anyway, a few minutes later, Joel was ready to leave, and we dashed out of there. He asked me how I felt about having been there, and I said that I had no idea that there was a male gay version of my Aunt Mary Lou.

I took him over to Barnaby's for dinner, and we talked for about an hour and a half. He's very much like me - hyper-intelligent, self-critical and unfocused. He's been going through a lot for the last couple of years, and he's just feeling like he's never going to have any options. He keeps talking about engaging in self-destructive jobs, like bartending or driving a cab, or something. Ugh. Do I ever know what THAT'S like. Anyway.

I told him, flat out, I was never letting him go back to that vile place. I told him that if he did, he'd die.

I brought him home around 9:30, and we watched "The Adventures of Priscilla," which he had never seen before. He laughed a lot. I gave him an anti-anxiety pill and put him to bed around midnight. He's still asleep. I hope he wakes up soon, I'm hungry.

Cleaning house - waiting for Joel to call. He's coming to stay a few days here. Got a meeting with Roosevelt Mortgage today at 2:00 to talk about the commercial lending thing, and then trying to get a meeting with a business broker about doing some more work. Contacted another old client about doing some tax amendments for him, and ..

I'm actually doing something with this computer this morning other than just wasting time. And, I have been cleaning the house up (trying to locate the source of negative scent and negate same.)

Ruby, it seems, is in awesome shape, and needs to have her rear air ride system worked on. I didn't know she had adjustable rear shocks!

Okay, time to focus!

The next ride de divo - Guy calls it "Ruby's wealthier aunt" 

And a Happy Good Sunday morning to you .. it's been a few days since I created an entry, and I'm now drinking coffee and mentally preparing myself for the church's "annual" membership meeting, which I must leave to attend in about 90 minutes.

later

The meeting went better than I could have expected. We have some clear guidance from the membership on what they want and don't want, and hopefully, this will translate into some good things in the months ahead.

Cleaning up here at the casita. So far, so good. In a short while here, I'll start printing file folder labels, and actually finishing the filing cabinet job. WHOOIE!

It seems that Arafat just died. Interesting.

I've been talking to Joel again - he's been in the hospital for two weeks - violent naseua which has produced pneumonia. I think he's not happy in his new living situation. He hasn't had a chance to look for a job, because he's been sick, and his "room mate" is in love with him. Like that wasn't predictable.

I'm going to go see him at Memorial Hermann tonight, I think.

All Hail the Victorious Leader ..  

Well, it's over. No more screed. The conservatives have total control of the organs of government, and except for rare procedural blocks, the moderates can do nothing to prevent any action on the part of the government. They have at least four years to eliminate government, "stimulate" the economy by cutting taxes and regulation, continue to eliminate union representation, reduce civil rights to increase the effectiveness of courts and police, reduce public education funding, shift more government functions to the private sector, and increase the deficit to fund military ventures.

They have their wide-open crack at Social Security, and at abortion. They have their "wins" in same-sex marriage.

They have their wide open shot at drilling in national park lands. Eliminating pollution controls. Reversing 75 years of law considered carefully by hundreds of men (and women) who made decisions based on problems that were then facing society. Eliminating programs that care for people who cannot take care of themselves. They're almost done with this work, and now, it only remains to finish the job.

Pursue imperial expansion into Syria - we know they're next on the list. Continue to use selective judgment on foreign policy matters.

Withdraw from the United Nations - in fact, kick them out of New York and make them establish themselves on friendlier soil. Withdraw from more treaties that limit our freedom to act.

Do everything you think will make life better and the economy more productive. Have at it, already. Don't ask questions, you've been given the mandate from the American people. Appoint the judges you wish to see on the bench.

In four years, no excuses about what you weren't able to accomplish, or why it didn't work. It's all about your performance now. Best wishes. At the end of the four years, if this doesn't work, I want to hear from you about what DIFFERENT you will do to MAKE it work. No more excuses.

Rainy Monday morning. Already started on getting things DONE around here. Had a GREAT day yesterday, but got no substantive work accomplished. Drinking coffee, then have to start making some headway.

Still can't get my printer to recognize the lower paper tray. PLEH. I finally just disabled the lower paper tray so I can print anything else.

Hopefully, this will be a good day to get things accomplished. I have to start with my homework for tonight.

Ugh. Cold coffee. Warm oatmeal, though. I love the rain.

Laundry is in, now it's time to clean up and start on all of this office mess.

Happy Halloween!

I moved the computer and printer around yesterday, and now the printer won't print. It says that I need to "check casette #2" - uh, there it is, man. What more do you want?

I guess I'll have to pull EVERYTHING apart, check all the connections, blah, blah, blah. Irritating. Oh, well. The computer is in a MUCH better spot now than it was. So is the printer.

Didn't go to church today. They're racing back to the past to do what didn't work before, and I just don't want to play. So, today, I'll clean house, do homework, work on stuff .. I guess.

Should I leave the Halloween stuff out until tomorrow? I guess that makes sense.

Well, I'm on my second mug of coffee. I quit the church in Clear Lake last night, in the middle of a four hour panic attack last night. Was up until 5:00. Very fun.

I wrote a post this morning, but .. my session had expired, and everything I had typed was lost. I love that.

Last night (about 4:00 a.m.) I was thinking about dropping my cell number, changing my email address. I may yet. I don't know.

Talked to Matt in Orlando this morning a while - he sent me a picture of his fabulous Halloween costume - I looked into using miles to fly out there today, but it's just too late.

Nicole has other plans tonight, so I'm without anyone to attend the theater party that I always go to. Last year, I only had her to talk to, so I'm staying home this year. Half of the party are straight friends of the host, and they can't handle a 6'4" red fairy on roller skates. The theater people are all very into their little cliques, and they don't talk to me either. So .. put on the costume, drive over there, stumble in on the roller skates, stand around without anyone to talk to for a few hours? Sounds awesome!

I have to get the Fabulair website done by Monday morning. I have it all designed, it's just getting it done.

Two nights ago, I realized that there is something else in my psyche that is unrevealed, it's running the show .. and, what to do about it?

I've been rolling this around, and all I've come up with so far is:

* This precedes my childhood memory of being left in the front yard - moving van gone, etc.
* It's the foundation for my two word sentence about myself "Not wanted"
* My whole world has been created around that core belief, job, relationships, friendships, career track, credit, family - it's extremely powerful
* My activity is to withdraw - to pull myself out of the sandbox when I get confronted with "not wanted" and TO NOT TRY AT ALL
* Just knowing that I'm acting out of it isn't helpful
* I have a dichotomy of having created this huge circle of people who are crazy about me (anti-not-wanted) with things that are not-wanted and threaten my safety (money, romantic relationships, work)
* Just knowing that hasn't helped

I meditated a LONG time about this today. I have no specific memory of "what happened" - just weird things, lots of crib and bassinet imagery. My older half-brother and some cousins. Flies (what's THAT about?) A bassinet that had a bomb bay door (under me.) Nothing else.

I'm going to make dinner and see what else I can cook up.

Susan checks in - she's my coach.

I want to scream out… DON”T DO IT!!! I get the whole thing about needing to get something rolling, but on the other hand, I also feel that it drains energy and all that is good from your very soul. Then what will you have left over to get your deal going??? Now, if it were just show up, do some work, get paid, then, that could actually support your future. Because, as near as I can tell, nothing else will be your future anyway!

Love ya!

Me

So, I had my meeting today. It went quite well; they offered me a job. It's straight commission - which I've been on since 1937.
Also, contract, no benefits. Ditto. Smokers. The whole office.

On the other hand, they have a TON of work. Right away, they have about 150 files for me to go through, trying to find those that can be salvaged. Then, I have to sell the clients on fee-paid services, and then a loan. They do a ton of advertising. And, they have a home builder account that they want to turn over to me.

IF it all works out; IF the files pan out the way that they suggest, IF .. I could do fairly well. Still, no future, no equity, no promotion, no ..

No start-up fee to get the contract rolling. I kill it, I get 40%.

I did NOT want to go back to lending. I definately did not want to go back to a straight commission, no future environment.

However, all of my other "feelers" seem to be heading in the same ultimate direction. Spec work, no present fees for work produced, no guarantees of EVER making any money. If money does come together, it's in late 2005.

Um .. hello? I have to eat? Keep a roof over the dogs' heads?

What I want to do is make MY deal work. If I'm going to be eating what I kill, I'd rather have a larger percentage of it and control.

However. I have obligations and I have to generate money to get my deal rolling.

So, dear reader, I am stuck like glue. Yeah, they'll pay me at this mortgage company. While they ride me like the nickel pony ride on advice on all their legal screw ups and misperceptions about how the world REALLY works. I can see that coming as sure as Christmas.

Or, I can go on trying to do spec business development work with NO business flow, and everyone wanting my work product if they can pay me IF/WHEN the money comes in.

And I've made no decision. I just can't. I'm tired, but not resigned.

I really like this condo that's going up a few blocks from here. Basically the same kind of floorplan I have now, but about 50% bigger. They're nutty about the price, though. 

This married man should have a warning tattoo on his forehead. If you see him, stay away. 

I'm watching this .. wild .. movie. "The Rules of Attraction." College life flick. The amazingly handsome campus drug dealer has it bad for this beautiful young woman who wants to commit herself to him, but they've never had so much as a decent conversation. Someone is leaving him love notes in his mailbox, and he's convinced it's her. Her room mate is trying to convince her that he's a sleaze, and then the room mate does him at a party - and she walks in on them. However, the letter writer is NOT the woman we think - it's this totally other woman who's in the background of the whole story, and she commits suicide when he (not even knowing that she's alive) "rejects" her at the party and runs off with the room mate. Very .. Clockwork Orange. So, now, the primary female has utterly rejected the drug dealer, who's about to hang himself with a phone cord. That's when the dogs had to go out, and I came in to start writing this tome.

Oh, and the gay guy who's in love with the drug dealer - we're waiting to find out what he's going to do.

Have I mentioned that I hate married men? I do.

Here's a note from my sweet friend Y about the married guy she's involved with.

In a message dated 10/25/2004 10:33:56 AM Central Standard Time, [me] writes:


"Men can suck."

Y writes back ..

no pun intended huh????/ :o)

My dickhead said and sent email that we were going to spend the whole weekend together for my birthday, saturday galveston & opry, sunday galleria and Victoria Secrets...... Next thing you know he's got a cart race with son in AM, I'm cool with that, then he decided that he had to take his brother somewhere and would be available around noon... cool, i call at noon and he didn't go do any of it and was at the house just watching tv. then he had the odasity to ask, "so are we going to hook up later today"...... what the fuck......I had to hang up so that I wouldn't start balling or screaming... stupid fucker

Didn't talk to him at all the whole day, stayed here by myself. Sunday didn't call him or he call me until around 5: and then again at 9:. He never answered but I knew that he got the message. Got an email from him around 9:30 stating that we would go back to the original plan and not see one another for a while because we weren't on the same emotional level...... what the fuck ever. I didn't even get a bd card and we're supposed to be PARTNERS....... ick

This is MY idea of a superman, and a superman costume!