Monday post #2

Spent most of my day with Lance, which was great. He bought a new computer, which he is very excited about. He and Steve took me to dinner and that was fun, too.

We started to talk about some of the things I've been pulling out of the dirty diaper pail and disposing of, but I don't feel like we're enough on the same page to productively discuss a lot of these things.

I want ice cream. I don't want ice cream. But, I want ice cream.

Barney's anxiety today has risen and fallen with my own, which has been driving me crazy. He's been pinging around the kitchen, knocking his e-collar into the walls and appliances over and over and over, then digging and scratching, then more knocking into things, then pathetically lapping at the water dish, then more ping-ponging around, then more scratching, then more...

Now, I'm watching a DVD - Green Plaid Shirt - another gay themed movie. It remains to be seen if it's a good movie or a bad movie.

Should I decorate for Christmas? Should I FULLY decorate for Christmas? What happened to Jarred and his girlfriend and our dinner this week? Every other night is jam packed.

I have really been seeing how BAD my choices in men have been in my life. Like, Michael - I thought he was SO hot - and now, I find that he's unable to carry on a conversation about anything that I have an interest in. If he does insist that I talk to him about anything, and I start talking about anything I *am* interested in, he drifts out of the conversation in a heartbeat. Mostly, he wants to talk about silly, junior high school goofy shit, and drama. And, chase any attention he can find.

He's not the sole example - all of these guys I've ever brought into my space have been self-focused and many of them too dumb to evaluate a decent conversation or to know that one was going on.

Last night, I went to see my OTHER massage guy, Tom. We talked about peak oil, about social logistics in different countries, about politics, about the economy, about all kinds of things that required higher brain function. And, it was just a CASUAL conversation.

Why have I kept picking up the street rescues and then wondering why they're totally disinterested in me? How could they be? I must be like a space alien to them. Amazing that I was ever critical about myself for these relationships. I've only brought in men that I couldn't relate to, that had issues so self-consuming that they needed a safe space to indulge themselves, and that were willing to take whatever came their way in order to keep going.

And, the whole time, I've felt like there was something wrong with me on a fundamental basis. How do I change from being attracted to these blue collar, mechanic train wrecks to someone who's got a brain and a heart?

Will one of them be attracted to me?

I could practically go to bed right now - three vodka cocktails and three margaritas later. I spent so much of today with the monkey chatter in my head running the show that I guess it's only natural that I be worn out. I did spend most of the time not trying to negate or override the monkey chatter, and instead trying to evaluate why I was afraid. All I could come up with was something VERY old, very non-verbal and running around with its hair on fire.

This movie is NOT the most amazing thing I've ever seen.