Friday at 1500

Boy you can tell things are winding down. It was very, very busy this morning, but this afternoon has gotten very slow.

Looks to be a very quiet Friday night. No plans, except to have my head rotated after work. Have to put in some hours tomorrow doing legal work for Michael, as I haven't really had the time or attention to do any of that recently.

I think tonight I'll finish watching "Maltese Falcon" and "The Eyes of Tammy Faye." And do laundry, since it's overflowing the hamper.

I am officially no longer chasing, interviewing, looking for or communicating with "Y" chromosomes. It's a worthless pursuit, fraught with peril. It's expensive, not only in coin of the realm, but in emotional coin as well. I've wasted years of my life chasing boys, men, bois, married guys, straight guys .. it's a WASTE.

So - just like Jeffrey - I'm going sober.

Happy Holi-daze

The last Wednesday before Christmas - the last business Wednesday of the year, in fact.

I have a closing set for tomorrow, and the lender has been like a ghost ship. A client who has to close in a week who won't provide me with any documents. Another client who swears that she has given me the financial records I requested, and that I just lost them.

My friend Mikey just was whining that he's not featured heavily enough in my blog. So, everyone - please wave "hi" to Mikey - my friend who's online persona is "Cajuntxn." Mikey is one of my computer geek friends, who recently came over and rescued my home computer from a certain death. He is always after me to pimp him out with any young men that I can find, and loves to watch movies with me. He's a nifty guy, and has a heart as big as a Louisiana swamp, which constitutes most of the southern half of that state.

Owen was sick with the flu today, which required me to focus on work related tasks. Eric from Vancouver (E - is his official moniker) thinks that I'm "avoiding" something by finding Owen so appealing. I think everyone just needs to have a drink and sit down for a while.

My realtor "friend" today told me that he didn't think I actually worked. That is the general perception of realtors - that no one else in the transaction actually works. The people at title companies are working nights and weekends, the appraisers are overwhelmed, the insurance agents can't keep up, I wake up every night around 4:30 - worrying about deadlines and whether everything is handled - I just canceled my trip to be with family for Christmas -

But no, we none of us have anything to do with a file showing up at the closing table ready to close.

Just four more minutes, and I'm leaving - it's dark already.

Tonight, it looks like I get to have an evening of peace and quiet. Last night, spending a little time with Brian was very nice - he's such a wonderful man, and just getting really settled into a new world for himself. He adpated so quickly; I guess everyone does when faced with extreme change.

5:30 is upon me, so - until later!

A quick note -

Today was a HOOT. My sweet friend Owen from Poznan had me in stitches half the day; I'll have to write more about that when I have a little time.

Also talked to my friend in Frankfurt - the one who wants me to visit with him in January - he was saying that I didn't write about him quite enough, thank you very much. So, let me tell you more about Timmy. He's very sweet, he's a purser for a European airline, which means I get to chase him around looking for dirt about the airline biz, he's handsome, funny, flirtatious and he looks great naked, which is more than most guys in their late 30s can say.

He and his partner are traveling to the US in May, I think it is, and I've persuaded them (I think) to spend a number of days here at the Casita de Divo so that I can show them the local hospertality. This involves trips to the Galleria, to NASA, to Galveston (where visitors are uniformly horrified by the mud brown water and the general state of disrepair) and lots and lots of TexMex food.

I proposed to Owen today. He said yes, but I think he was mostly kidding.

Okay, I'm re-reading "Headwind" by John J. Nance, and I'm at a good part, so I'm going to publish, and go to bed earlier than last night.

Until the morrow ..

More thoughts on unrealistic expectations

Heard from PJ today again .. he was whining about the phone card that I had set up for him so he could call (not that he ever called ME with it, but he burned through thirty dollars worth) He wanted me to set it up for him again.

Uh, no. He offered to send me money to do it. I think I was acerbic.

Anyway, I was fiddling around, and realized that I had talked about Owen from Poznan several times, but didn't give you a look at him. He's really something.

face-pic.com profile for owen_21

It's another day in paradise

Spent the whole day doing Christmas cards and chasing loan elements. Finally got one in the hopper; closing Thursday. However, everything else that was promised to me for today has NOT showed up.

But - the Christmas cards are all done, and the business Christmas letters are out the door.

I had to find a translator for one big deal this afternoon late - fortunately, my temp John knew someone and he was right on top of it. Hopefully, this will break the communications logjam.

Talked ongoingly today with that sweet boi in Poznan, Poland. He's just great! He's freezing his butt off, but he's fun to talk to. We were joking ongoingly about the number of men in different parts of the world who send .. well, old fat white gay guys like me .. a picture or two over the internet and suddenly are asking for money and visa sponsorships. I had shared a few of my war stories on this issue with him .. and he wasn't believing it .. quite .. and right in the middle of our ongoing conversation - I get an IM from this lad in Morocco with whom I've spoken THREE times in four months.

Just so that Owen (that's the boy in Poznan) can belive this, here's a quick transcript:

elazri: i have a problem
drdivo: what is it
elazri: my sister it is very sick, and it need for bought the medicamo
drdivo: hm
elazri: yes
drdivo: So you're telling me you need money
elazri: yes, but why this question ?
drdivo: That's waht you were telling me
drdivo: what is she sick with
elazri: she is sick in here estomac and need a operation
drdivo: ah
drdivo: how old is she, your sister?
elazri: 38 years
elazri: I want to ask for a little money of you, but perhaps you do not want because you do not know me well...... ....
drdivo: on second
elazri: ok
drdivo: I had to write a letter for a customer
elazri: ok
elazri: allo
elazri: do you wa
elazri: do you want to hilp my sister?
drdivo: Well - I really have only talked to you three times -
drdivo: it's not something I can do just yet
elazri: ok not problem
elazri: i am sorry
drdivo: it's okay -

<<>>>

I think he just couldn't believe it. Owen, that is.

So far, I've been asked for a visa, housing and moving expenses for a boy from Zimbabwe who's here on a student visa, for a visa and money for a computer from a guy in Pakistan, moving money and housing from a guy in Albany, New York, a visa from a guy in Malaysia .. and this is all just since about Thanksgiving.

Owen says that his sister needs cosmetics - so, could I please send HIM money.

He's a hoot.

My desk still looks like someone blew it up.

Tonight, Stevan wants to come over and groom Barney.

I don't know if I'm up for that just now. I should, though. It's going to involve a trip to the store for Fabreeze, as Jackie's been peeing again.

Yesterday, talked to a guy I know who is one of those fags that can do color and texture. I can do furniture arranging, but not color. I've been thinking of painting, and wanted to have an idea of what I can do. He's suggesting medium red with white or taupe trim, and light taupe wood floor. My friend Eric thinks that it would be too dark, but suggests something "wild" for the kitchen. Wild - colorwise.

I guess that's about all the news that's fit to print for the moment. It's 6:00 - I need to get out of here!

White elephants

Sometimes, I dearly envy my friend James. He swears that his memory doesn't allow him to remember things. I, however, have the curse of perfect recall, even if I was drunk off my ass.

Tonight, I went to the Classic Chassis Car Club White Elephant Christmas party. I so do NOT feel a part of that group. I was one of the founding members, and left around the time of the Great Summer Camp escapade.

I brought a 3 CD thing I bought on a KLM flight three years ago (big mistake - that thing was elevator music) to give to the White Elephant thing. There were about 60 guys there - I was in the younger 20% of the crowd. Since this included the four boy toys present, that's quite a statement.

That was quite a thing to see - men in their late 40s to early 60s squiring around thin, young, men under 22. It just looked so - wrong? Disconnected? Weird?

What do they talk about?

The party broke up around 9, and I left. Came back here, and talked to some friends on the computer.

I was supposed to be in Dallas for a big Christmas party there - I haven't been to Dallas all year (part of the air travel lament - see an earlier comment) and they were very happy I was coming up.

Last week, my friend Larry revealed that Al Aparicio and his boyfriend AND Pablo the male dancer would all be at the party. That was just too much to contemplate.

January, 2000 - I had been sort of seeing Al from time to time - he lived in Austin at the time - and we talked regularly. He was totally in the closet; engaged to a woman, etc., etc. I invited him to a party in Dallas at Larry's house - suggested the weekend could be a good thing for him - he could spend some time in the gay world without fear of being discovered, or whatever.

So, he came up. Met me there on Friday night. No, we weren't in a relationship, we didn't have any agreements, but we were there on a weekend DATE.

Bottom line - the dick dancer at the party - Pablo (from Ecuador) got WAY drunk. Started hitting on Al. Al said "no." We all went to bed about 2:30. Al and I had sex.

Ungratifying, one-sided sex, but nonetheless.

At about 4:00 a.m., Pablo came into the bedroom where Al and I were sleeping. Crawls in bed on top of Al. They start making out.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? In the same room - or worse - in the same BED with two people who are having sex? It's just the most pathetic thing you can feel.

Al tried to encourage me to join in, but Pablo shoved me off the bed.

That would be on the floor, folks.

Al said nothing. Did nothing. Just .. kept on doing his thing.

So, I grabbed my bathrobe and went into the living room.

A few minutes later (note - not right away) Al came out into the living room. He wanted to know what was wrong.

Amazing. Do I haul out the chalkboard and draw a picture? No, I just told him to go back and finish what he was doing. He said he was there in Dallas to be with me, and that he couldn't just leave me out in the living room upset and go back to having sex with Pablo.

Oh, no? You were doing a great job of it before.. what changed?

He told me that I should know he had so few opportunities to explore his sexuality, and that I was being selfish in not allowing him this chance with Pablo.

So, what was I supposed to do? Sit there in bed and knit while they did it?

Pablo shuffles out about this time, and whines that "he's sorry."

Does anyone else experience this kind of insanity?

Finally, Al said that he was there to be with me, and asked me to come back to bed. We went back to the bedroom, he pushed Pablo's clothes out into the hall, and closed and locked the door.

Not that I slept.

I heard Larry getting up around 7:30 or so, and I joined him in the kitchen for coffee. He asked if he had heard some drama in the night, so I told him what had occured. He was, of course, shocked.

About this time, Al comes out of the bedroom, fully dressed and packed to leave. Okay, 'bye.

Moments later, Pablo comes out - and will NOT look at me. He leaves through the front door.

At the time, I just shrugged it off. But, a few months later, when Al contacted me (for the first time) to tell me he had started DATING someone (else) he had met at the party (I knew this already from my friends in Dallas) it really hit me just how horribly hurtful that all had been. And, when Larry revealed to me that the entire dramticus personae would be attending the fest in Grand Prairie .. I just decided not to go.

Which I hate doing, because I just hate going back on my word.

The funny thing about the disease that I have - people just don't understand it at all. They think you're just "moody" and difficult. Even my sister, who is VERY compassionate, can't understand that I have little control over my social interactions.

And the medication makes me a zombie. And it costs a blazing fortune.

At least I've now learned when I'm close to the edge, and I have the ability to try to prevent me from going OVER the edge by avoiding drinking and other co-factors. There are a few others I need to get better at avoiding.

Still, I just feel like an alien visiting this planet half the time.

These last two days have been REAL rough.

A note to any blog fans who don't know what I'm talking about: There are a couple of people who DO know - My sister, Richard, Larry, my dad (and, by extension, my entire family, since he can't help but tell everyone everything within minutes of learning about it) and Brian. Brian who I haven't yet mentioned here, but who reads this about every day. I told Brian about this when he had nine martinis in his system, and so I am betting that he'll never remember a thing about it.

Don't feel left out. People can't handle it. Yes, it's serious, no, you won't understand it - you'll think I am a space alien, and no, it's not HIV. Yes, it's going to kill me sooner or later. Unless some miracle occurs, and my business partner decides to cough up some health insurance, and I can get on regular medication. The meds cost some $350 a month - plus the bi-weekly doctors visits.

Even then, I don't know that it's something that can be managed, as opposed to just slowed down.

Don't feel bad. And, no - I'm not going to tell you OR drop hints. Just forget it.

My friend James wants to go drink margs at Cafe Noche. I hope they come in plastic buckets.

Had a call from PJ's employer this afternoon - he never picked up his bus ticket. Can I move my home and my office by tomorrow morning? Will it matter? 'Cause I ain't opening the door, and I ain't answering the phone.

Talked today (electronically) with a nice boy in the Gaza Strip. That was certainly interesting. He's interesting. Totally closeted, of course. Lives with a family of 10 plus his mom and dad.

The new state security force is probably tracking that I'm conversing with a gay art student in the Gaza Strip, and they're watching my movements.

Had a wonderful dinner with my friend James. Gave him a Visor for Christmas - he's loving playing with it. I think I monopolized the conversation talking about the theater - I'm still so identified with that theater that my name comes up on a google search associated with it.

Okay, time for some sleep. Wish me luck. Until tomorrow .. and "Star Trek - Nemesis!"

Ten shopping days -

Today has been irritating in the extreme - my MFC keeps printing incoming faxes over the top of jobs I'm trying to print; it's favorite is to print an incoming fax over the top of a page of postage labels that I've loaded, which then causes the MFC to print Express Mail postage on a black piece of paper.

Relocking loans, resubmitting loans, and trying to prioritize things by the number of days left in the month (ten - see above) before their anticipated closing dates. Watching my loan officer sulk because I'm not dropping everything to work on HIS file (note - file. Singular. One) which doesn't close until after January 12. Hello - it can wait.

Seeing David for lunch. He's my married buddy, who's so cool, but can't hang out after work because .. he's married.

Argh. Just so frustrated today. Not sure why.

Definitive word that says nothing -

Much like Trent Lott's apologies for his racist affirmations, the Medical Examiner's pronouncements on the cause of Johnny's death tell us little if anything:

"Acute Hepatic Failure with Cirrhosis due to Hepatitis B Virus Infection and Chronic Alcoholism, Associated with Myocarditis"

So, he died of a heart attack brought on by acute liver failure. Okay, like we didn't know that already.

The only news here is that he had Hep B. The part about alcoholism is assumed, and the phrasing should make that clear.

Time to vacuum and then go to work.

Hola chicas.

Today, today, today, today. Rain. More loan applications. Took a loan application from some very good friends; I've refinanced their house before. I just wonder what this is going to accomplish for them.

They're so set on doing this, and at the same time I have a couple who I can take from a 30 to a 15 year loan, keeping their payment the same, and they're resisting. Cutting 11 years off their mortgage? And keeping everything status quo ante? Sounds like a deal to me!

It's just all bass-ackwards.

Plus, I got a contract in today that needs to close by Christmas? The title work and the appraisal won't be done by the closing date set in the contract. What are people thinking?

It's just all something.

Spent part of my first PJ-free day chatting online with this really sweet guy from Poznan, Poland. He's just fun to talk to. He and a girlfriend are planning on traveling to the US for six months to study. He said it was -10 there in Poznan; about 0 degrees to those of us from the land of arrogance. He's freezing, and thinks that living in the sub-tropics sounds great.

I'm resolving to make this apartment mine for at least a good long while yet - I'm here through December, 2003, and so I'm thinking it's time to make some things more workable. I'm going to have more shelves put in the laundry room, have the speaker wires run behind the walls, have the sheet rock repaired, and the living room, dining room and kitchen repainted. Found a guy today who came by; offered to do the work for $300. Uh - scary?

I'll figure out some way to have it done, anyway. I'd REALLY love to rip up the carpeting, and put down some sort of dog-proof floor covering. Which, if I'm going to stay here, I may consider. Carpeting is so conventional, but these two dogs track in dirt like they're farm tractors. Not to mention the inevitable random puking, etc., etc., etc.

Kurtis and David - the penultimate gay couple - have their house in beautiful shades of taupe and beige with gorgeous tile floors. I don't think their dogs evacuate. Their house is always clean like .. I don't know .. the maid is scared to death of Leona Helmsley. But THEY HAVE NO MAID! They do it all themselves.

How does this happen? They both work. They have a yard, two dogs .. but .. it's always Better Fags & Gardens over there.

Plus, they both work out and have a social life.

Makes me wonder if they're space aliens or something. Or if I'm just lazy (which, if you were to follow my dad's line of reasoning, I probably am) My sister thinks I'm addicted to the internet. Which probably has some validity, too.

BUT I HAVE SOMEONE WHO I PAY TO CLEAN MY HOUSE. Every week. He grooms the dogs, too.

And still it looks like wreckage to me in here. Of course, today was house cleaning day, and he had to cancel.

Headed to Richard's for dinner tonight - Rick (the partner) wants to ask me some questions about my brief stint at The Alexander Group - how they researched, how they presented, etc.

Haven't heard from James today - before Thanksgiving - we talked EVERY day. After Thanksgiving - nearly zippo. I'll have to hunt him down.

Plus, he's my exercise buddy - and I need to get back on the track with him.

Well, it's time to get some sleep.

Ding, Dong .. you know the rest

All night, I've felt like popping in "The Wizard of Oz." I felt like one of the Munchkins.

I got home from my appointment at 9:00, and PJ was packed (using two of my kitchen trash bags. How high class is THAT) and I popped him in the Riv for the 25 mile ride to his mother's house. I was gracious - I didn't tell him that his new job was basically a scam, and that he was going to hate it. I also slowed down enough that he could get out of the car without tripping or dropping anything.) The whole ride home, I was grinning.

What was I thinking?

So, since Thursday, I have ejected PJ, Matthew, Jason (remember? The one "stuck" in Kansas City) and .. who else? The boi count is SERIOUSLY down here at the Casita de Divo for Wayward and Homeless bois.

Yes, it's a whacky, worthless clearance sale on bois!

Well - staying in for the weekend, which means that I get to watch "Nemesis" with my friend Mikey - the guy who fixed my computer last weekend. I also get to avoid seeing Al Aparicio, and Pablo the male dancer - more on that soon.

There is a God.

PJ got a job today with a company that sells magazines door to door. He leaves tonight.

He's left me his Camel tschotke collection to sell on eBay; he has a Palm IIIC that he has decided to keep.

Why, I don't know. It's the only thing he has that's worth anything, is probably why.

And out of the closet they run -

About a year ago, I ran into this great guy online - Mike - GREAT guy. Funny. Smart. I don't even remember how I came to be talking to him. But, we spent WEEKS talking. He made me laugh over and over again. One of the things he told me from the start that was he WASN'T gay, and wasn't interested, he was always being confused for being gay. Of course, he "didn't have problems with gay people."

"My sister had a cousin went to school with someone who's gay." Kiss Me Guido, 1998.

After a while of talking to him, he told me that he had been wondering about gay sex. A few days later, he said that he felt really comfortable with me, and would I please "introduce" him to the thing.

Well, this guy is damned handsome .. what can I say?

After a few times together, he told me that he had found a girlfriend, was no longer going to be able to talk to me, as it was too distracting, and that he found the whole idea of a male relationship repulsive.

Okay, well .. Godspeed then, right?

Over the last 18 months, I've heard from him from time to time. A few months ago, he got laid off (along with most of the IT people in Southeast Texas) and shortly thereafter, his girlfriend .. had a meltdown? Showed her true personality? Dumped him.

This, the woman that he said he was going to marry.

Over these last few months, I would wake up in the morning and find a very early morning, overnight "I wish you were up and online" message from him.

These messages were more lascivious than my portrayal, but I'm trying to be discrete.

The last of these messages was just a few weeks ago.

So, today, I'm working away (sort of) and he sends me a message. Yes, he's horny, BUT - now he needs a place to live.

Can you see me shaking my head?

Talking to PJ - he's the "temporary house guest" at the Casita de Divo.

He just asked me why I wasn't buying him cigarettes and beer.

Here's our conversation -

east75644: whats a guy gotta do to get some brew and smokes
DrDivo: you mean
DrDivo: out of me?
east75644: besides get a job
east75644: because im already tryin to get a job
east75644: ?
DrDivo: So, you're saying, room, board, pick-up service, laundry facilites, smoke AND booze?
east75644: oh god the debt is piling up
DrDivo: how did I get to be so priviliged
east75644: ok room and board is anulled because im fun to be around, pick up service is anulled because you want to be around me laundry facilities are anulled because you dont want me to stink up your place and the smokes keep me from going crazy and the booze makes it all worth while
east75644: whew
DrDivo: uh-huh
DrDivo: I think that needs to be bogged
east75644: bogged?
DrDivo: yeah
east75644: whats 'at meen
DrDivo: for me to know and you to figure out

Eddie.

Today, I brought my little black book (of poetry) and put in the poem about Eddie. That's the one that starts off "Delta - Houston Hobby Airport"

Eddie and I had quite the email relationship back in 1998. When it came time for me to bring him down here, I choked. Well, for one thing, it would have cost me more money than I was comfortable with - and I just didn't trust.

Ah, well. Trust.

I haven't had Eddie's picture around for a long time. A few months ago, after Johnny died, I pulled out the diskette that had all of Eddie's emails on it, and re-read them.

Eddie - who then was about 23 - said he worked for the Toronto Raptors (that's the basketball team, right?) as a trainer. And then, there was that picture. Oh, my.

This lad - who has the same picture - claims to be 23. Has space and time abated? He also claims to be "straight." I guess one should make some allowances.

And maybe my trust wasn't so misplaced after all.



face-pic.com profile for visually_addictive

I have often questioned falling in love
I have derided it
I have intellectualized it
I have rejected it
I have rationalized it

For every time I have given my heart
to a beautiful young man
with a dazzling smile
and a sparkling personality

With whom I have shared moments
So Intimate
So loving
So delicious

Each time I have lost my heart -
He wasn't ready
He was unsure I was the one
He was not on the other side of my love

And I have ached
with longing
and with disappointment

I have been sure it would
have worked

If only I had been enough.

More.

If have often questioned falling in love.

Yet
I always do

For God has an endless supply
of beautiful young men.

August 18, 1998

Expectations

Expectations are a way of living
In a future reality

When one ceases to live in the
Present

One is always open to
Disappointment
Discouragement
Disassociation

After spending time in
Expectations
One ceases to try to succeed
in Reality

Because the state of disappointment
becomes Reality

Expectations
Are a double edged sword

Expectations embody both
the best of what we dream
and the worst of what we fear

All at the same time

September 23, 1998

Flight 1045
Delta
Houston Hobby airport
Dreams that might have been
Dreams that may never be

He said everything I ever prayed for
Every danger sign was there

Faith is required
Trust could be a grave error

What to do?

July 15, 1999

Lineman -

I am a lineman.

My life is defined by lines. Limited by lines. Operated inside of lines.
I was trained that one could not ride this ride if one was not taller than the line.
If you don't measure up to the line, you cannot even board the ride.

Some of my lines are imposed upon me. Some I have painted myself.
Some lines are comfortable. Some lines are infuriating. Some lines are unfair.
Some lines have no explanation. Some lines belong to other people, but affect me anyway.

My line collection includes:
The college educated line
The over 40 line
The out of shape line
The lawyer line.

Many of my lines are my own private lines. My lines are set by me, measured by me and operated by me without input from other people.

Over the last months, I have moved back and forth across some lines. Some lines have been moved without me being told. Some lines that I thought I had painted over are still there. Line movement is unfair, as it requires you to be remeasured; especially when you have finally been able to ride the ride.

God has no lines.

Sometimes, I feel that I can move around without the lines.

I do know that I need better paint to paint out the lines that I no longer want to stand behind.

November, 2002

Bumper Cars - May, 2001

Having a new boyfriend
is a lot like bumper cars

Both are shiny and fun looking

You spend a lot of time
struggling for position

Both are so attracted that they
nuzzle up and keep coming back
to each other

Every so often, they bump too hard
And run away from each other

To win the game, they have to learn
each other's movements

They have to learn to keep their sides together at all times

They have to coordinate their motions and work together

To bump all the other players away

Most players at bumper cars
Give up after only one try.