My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.
This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and
Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this.
You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch you're precious Benzes, Bimmers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York!
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA Treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America.
It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, A final thought.
Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
My reply (to my father..)
The first thing about this idea is - we give VERY little foreign aid to anyone. A myth, just like the welfare mothers in Cadillacs (that probably also upsets the writer.) The vast bulk of our foreign aid (in directly contributions or "loans" to buy stuff from us - giveaways) is to Israel and Egypt.
The idea that France or Germany bear reason to suffer because of our invading a sovereign nation without their help and assistance is ludicrous. Severing diplomatic ties over their unwillingness to support what now, in anyone's eyes, was an unjustified attack based on fabricated imaginings indicates that the writer of this screed has very little understanding about the legal relationships between countries. Severing diplomatic ties is, in essence, a declaration of war.
Next, the idea that the president can "instruct" the Mayor of New York to do ANYTHING is so patently absurd and contrary to the "Republican" core value of having local government make their own decisions, I don't even know where to go with it.
The cars that have accumulated these tickets have done so on the basis of diplomatic immunity. This international accommodation is well-set into law, and taking any action of this nature would be tantamount to our abrogating hundreds of years of international law, and would open up the entire question of diplomatic immunity, negatively affecting our own diplomats abroad, and hampering our efforts to accomplish ANYTHING.
Of course, these idiots would think that's just fine.
President Fox of Mexico has already had his replacement elected, although that election is contested. Apparently, the writer of this screed isn't up to date on foreign affairs, but that's no surprise.
How does NAFTA play into the refusal of other nations to participate in an unjustified attack on a sovereign member of the United Nations which was threatening no other country? Perhaps I'm daft, but NAFTA was a treated shoved down OUR throats by the conservative, free trade, globalize your job to Pakistan crowd - the same crowd that spawn the idiot who wrote this note.
Mexico, by the way, does do something with its oil already. They sell it to us. Nearly all of it.
And, Geo. 43 has BROKEN the Army. I doubt we could successfully invade Mexico at this point.
Perhaps the writer of this lunacy should do a little fact-based research - our Alaskan oil is mostly sold to the Japanese and the Asian market; almost none of it comes here to the US. And, those reserves are quite depleted in Alaska. Those wells are under pressured and not producing as they were in the 1970s.
Nearly half a century of screwing with other people's governments, to ensure the fair and free market for our corporations that controlled those foreign marketplaces? I can understand why this has earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. We've actively overthrown the governments of Iraq, Iran, Egypt, most of Africa, Vietnam, the Philippines, ALL of South and Central America - TWICE, virtually run Germany and Japan until recently .. and "nearly half a century?" 1947 - 2007 IS a half century.
So, in addition to taking our plastic pail and shovel and leaving the sandbox, we should kick out World Cup Soccer, a sport that was recently introduced to the US by one of the largest liquor distributors in the US, who lives here in Houston, by the way. A sport that garners fewer attendees and fans than does high school football? What would that accomplish, other than to make us look like immature, ill-bred whiners?
This, in my mind, summarized what immature bullies the Conservatives (since Reagan) are. They are nothing more than spoiled children, who, when denied the candy that they want at the check-out, start screaming that they're abused and that everything's against them. So, they'll just sit on the floor and pout and scream, thinking that it will get them what they want.
They fail to see or consider that every adult in their controlled environment just leaves. And, they don't come back.
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