Gay panic defensiveness

An interesting Sunday. Got up and my blood sugar was 343. Good lord, when will this abate!? Drove down to the church, got set up, finished outlining my presentation, did that whole thing. It was good.

On the way home, I resolved to have Ruby cleaned up. While there, there's a public internet terminal, so I checked my email. My client from Friday night had written to me .. let's just copy his message here, shall we?

"Hey man I need to ask you a question, But I do not intend to offend you at all.

When you hugged me goodbye yesterday you added that little extra grab at the end and it threw me off. I just want to know if you are gay. If you are not then I do not mean to make you mad it just seemed a little strange. It made me a little uncomfortable and I did not know what to think. If you are gay then that is cool too. I just want you to know that I am not and we can still be friends, visit, hang out, whatever.

Please do not get mad at me for this email. In my opinion friends say what it on their mind. Talk to you soon.

John"

Okay, so on the way out the door, I put my arm around his SHOULDERS and gave him a squeeze. Around the shoulders. Said "nice to see ya!"

That's it.

How do we get "I was rattled by that?"

Gay panic.

So, was it my behavior, or his interpretation that created this gay panic? Is it his own internalized homophobia? (yes, I'm saying he's a fag. He's so far back in the closet that he's hiding in a trap door behind the cedar.)

So, this afternoon, I'm working on getting some things done around the house. A quiet day. Have a packed up week lined up, so I need the time to get caught up and have some peace.

Ruby is driving like a champ. Mikey (after all of the people who said they'd help me do it) re-assembled the 1998 Buick website (which I purloined three years ago) and I intend to deploy it on the drdivo.com website (which is under major reconstruction.) I need to have the little niggly dings taken out of her, and have her thoroughly detailed and waxed (maybe next weekend, hmm?) And I have to have the stereo fixed.

I am four weeks from Philip's return to MSU and having my apartment empty again. He's been a nice man to have around - polite, very interesting, has lots of things to talk about that are engaging. He's so incredibly beautiful that it's unsettling.

When he leaves, I'm making some major revisions to the Casita here. First, I'm converting this den into a home OFFICE - taking down the bed. I'm going to then take my platform bed that I've been sleeping on 15 years (I bought it just before I met Jimmy) and I'm going to use the full sized mattress and box spring from this four poster bed, and buy a new (inexpensive) bed frame to use in the purple Divo bedroom. I'm then buying an old Steelcase type desk (from the 1950s, go figure) and re-arranging this den into a functional office.