White elephants

Sometimes, I dearly envy my friend James. He swears that his memory doesn't allow him to remember things. I, however, have the curse of perfect recall, even if I was drunk off my ass.

Tonight, I went to the Classic Chassis Car Club White Elephant Christmas party. I so do NOT feel a part of that group. I was one of the founding members, and left around the time of the Great Summer Camp escapade.

I brought a 3 CD thing I bought on a KLM flight three years ago (big mistake - that thing was elevator music) to give to the White Elephant thing. There were about 60 guys there - I was in the younger 20% of the crowd. Since this included the four boy toys present, that's quite a statement.

That was quite a thing to see - men in their late 40s to early 60s squiring around thin, young, men under 22. It just looked so - wrong? Disconnected? Weird?

What do they talk about?

The party broke up around 9, and I left. Came back here, and talked to some friends on the computer.

I was supposed to be in Dallas for a big Christmas party there - I haven't been to Dallas all year (part of the air travel lament - see an earlier comment) and they were very happy I was coming up.

Last week, my friend Larry revealed that Al Aparicio and his boyfriend AND Pablo the male dancer would all be at the party. That was just too much to contemplate.

January, 2000 - I had been sort of seeing Al from time to time - he lived in Austin at the time - and we talked regularly. He was totally in the closet; engaged to a woman, etc., etc. I invited him to a party in Dallas at Larry's house - suggested the weekend could be a good thing for him - he could spend some time in the gay world without fear of being discovered, or whatever.

So, he came up. Met me there on Friday night. No, we weren't in a relationship, we didn't have any agreements, but we were there on a weekend DATE.

Bottom line - the dick dancer at the party - Pablo (from Ecuador) got WAY drunk. Started hitting on Al. Al said "no." We all went to bed about 2:30. Al and I had sex.

Ungratifying, one-sided sex, but nonetheless.

At about 4:00 a.m., Pablo came into the bedroom where Al and I were sleeping. Crawls in bed on top of Al. They start making out.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? In the same room - or worse - in the same BED with two people who are having sex? It's just the most pathetic thing you can feel.

Al tried to encourage me to join in, but Pablo shoved me off the bed.

That would be on the floor, folks.

Al said nothing. Did nothing. Just .. kept on doing his thing.

So, I grabbed my bathrobe and went into the living room.

A few minutes later (note - not right away) Al came out into the living room. He wanted to know what was wrong.

Amazing. Do I haul out the chalkboard and draw a picture? No, I just told him to go back and finish what he was doing. He said he was there in Dallas to be with me, and that he couldn't just leave me out in the living room upset and go back to having sex with Pablo.

Oh, no? You were doing a great job of it before.. what changed?

He told me that I should know he had so few opportunities to explore his sexuality, and that I was being selfish in not allowing him this chance with Pablo.

So, what was I supposed to do? Sit there in bed and knit while they did it?

Pablo shuffles out about this time, and whines that "he's sorry."

Does anyone else experience this kind of insanity?

Finally, Al said that he was there to be with me, and asked me to come back to bed. We went back to the bedroom, he pushed Pablo's clothes out into the hall, and closed and locked the door.

Not that I slept.

I heard Larry getting up around 7:30 or so, and I joined him in the kitchen for coffee. He asked if he had heard some drama in the night, so I told him what had occured. He was, of course, shocked.

About this time, Al comes out of the bedroom, fully dressed and packed to leave. Okay, 'bye.

Moments later, Pablo comes out - and will NOT look at me. He leaves through the front door.

At the time, I just shrugged it off. But, a few months later, when Al contacted me (for the first time) to tell me he had started DATING someone (else) he had met at the party (I knew this already from my friends in Dallas) it really hit me just how horribly hurtful that all had been. And, when Larry revealed to me that the entire dramticus personae would be attending the fest in Grand Prairie .. I just decided not to go.

Which I hate doing, because I just hate going back on my word.

The funny thing about the disease that I have - people just don't understand it at all. They think you're just "moody" and difficult. Even my sister, who is VERY compassionate, can't understand that I have little control over my social interactions.

And the medication makes me a zombie. And it costs a blazing fortune.

At least I've now learned when I'm close to the edge, and I have the ability to try to prevent me from going OVER the edge by avoiding drinking and other co-factors. There are a few others I need to get better at avoiding.

Still, I just feel like an alien visiting this planet half the time.

These last two days have been REAL rough.

A note to any blog fans who don't know what I'm talking about: There are a couple of people who DO know - My sister, Richard, Larry, my dad (and, by extension, my entire family, since he can't help but tell everyone everything within minutes of learning about it) and Brian. Brian who I haven't yet mentioned here, but who reads this about every day. I told Brian about this when he had nine martinis in his system, and so I am betting that he'll never remember a thing about it.

Don't feel left out. People can't handle it. Yes, it's serious, no, you won't understand it - you'll think I am a space alien, and no, it's not HIV. Yes, it's going to kill me sooner or later. Unless some miracle occurs, and my business partner decides to cough up some health insurance, and I can get on regular medication. The meds cost some $350 a month - plus the bi-weekly doctors visits.

Even then, I don't know that it's something that can be managed, as opposed to just slowed down.

Don't feel bad. And, no - I'm not going to tell you OR drop hints. Just forget it.