Okay, so it's been three months. Maybe there's just been nothing worth writing about.

Work is work. Lance [my new working partner] is awesome, but it's all just conceptual still. There's no business. Michael [the owner of the business] would still rather drink beer at Hooter's than talk to me about developing anything there, and until that changes, it's all just mental and emotional masturbation.

I'm taking a class through church again - "Self Mastery" this time. I'm beginning to think that this, like Landmark Education, like everything is more mental masturbation. It gives one a veneer of control, of self-direction, but it's all just bullshit. I don't know [tonight] if it's worth finishing the course.

Stood up again tonight, ver. 3.01 with this guy. Tonight was a work excuse. I don't care if he's the ONE that God has intended for me from the beginning of time, I'll never speak to him again. What a shithead. I wrote TWO poems about that boy, too.

Let's reproduce them here, shall we?

First, was this one - entitled "Jaecub" - my first indulgence in haiku

Sparks fly - new love meets
The thoughts of perfect forever
Fear and hope collide

Will lovers survive
Baggage - new uncertainties
Risk unbearable

Know what is vital
Love does happen at first sight
Strength brings perfection

Then, there was this one - entitled "the empty wine glass"

My apartment sits
just as quietly lit
as any other evening

In a neat row
in the bar's soft glow
stand four red wine glasses

Bejeweled
Confident
Bewitching

The soft whine of machines
A calm background achieves
Yet my home is far too silent

The one I think of most
is on another coast
and my wine glass must stand empty

The frustrating heights
Seven more nights
Before I fill my glass

And learn what fate has for me

I"ll tell you what fate had in store for me - another dry fuck after a promise of happiness.

I'm walking six miles a day, and have radically cut back on my food intake - can't seem to drop weight.

Is reality a fucking joke or what?

All of this on top of health issues with NO health insurance, and no way that it's coming into my life unless I win the lotto soon.

Yeah, it's a joke. It's a joke in which you are repeatedly given the impression that things are going to work out for you, and then the rug is jerked out from under you at the last second.

Lather, rinse, repeat.