This from "Best of Craigslist"

It's awesome!

Dear Conceited Penis..
Date: 2007-11-13, 4:03PM PST


To my amazement, not only have you learned to take pictures of yourself, but you have figured out how to upload them on the computer AND post said pictures in the personal section of Craigslist! Now, having never met a miraculous penis such as yourself, who can do things without knowledge or consent of anyone, I thought I'd tell you how this works.

1. Believe it or not, you have an owner. Your owner and I are in a committed relationship where:
a. he is allowed to play with you,
b. I'm allowed to play with you, OR
c. WE together are allowed to play with you.
If for some reason you find someone else's mouth, fingers, vagina, or asshole in, on, or around you..SCREAM. Play dead, blow your emergency whistle, do something and then at the earliest convenience, tell me.

2. A conceited penis is the first place STD's run to. I'm not sure you've used the computer for anything other than begging for an STD but maybe the next time you sign on you should Wikipedia that shit. I, not having a miraculous vagina who thinks for itself, need to speak up and tell you, thats not something we, as in my vagina and myself, want.

3. With your outstanding knowledge of the human world, you should probably do right by your owner and fess up to clear his name. I will not be playing with you or him until someone comes clean and explains to me what exactly happened. I saw the response in his e-mail, did the research, put 2 and 2 together and found out that one of you posted the ad for Adult Fun with a man, woman, or both. He denies that he had anything to do with it but YOU are in the picture along with MY comforter. One of you is lying. If one of you would just be honest then I wouldn't have to put his belongings, or yours, out in the front yard. For the time being, I'm giving both of you the BOTD. Time is wasting...


4. If you decide that you can use your extraordinary abilities for something other than wreaking havoc on my life and would like to confess by either responding to this or maybe writing me a letter of confession then I would gladly give your owner a 2nd chance. He stands his ground on his innocence and as much as I'd like to believe him, I'd need to know who did it and why first. You could put the letter on my pillow and you wouldn't even have to sign your name, I'd just know.

5. I understand you penises go through an "active" phase, but you are suppose to eventually grow out of that. Considering the number of people you've been with and the amount of times you've done it, most would assume you'd be tired. You're not the 20 year old you used to be, your balls agree, just ask your knees.

Now that we have the basics covered, I'll give you a fair amount of time to do what's right. Until then, I will not amuse you in any way, I will not please you either. I will sit here and wait..probably wondering how you got a picture from that angle all by yourself. And you'll know when your time is up.

Sincerely,
JV

I'm not so sure...

That people know what various things mean.

I am pretty sure that most people who ask questions don't really want the answers; they want validation. They have some cockamamie scheme cooked up in their heads based on their assumptions (mostly in their favor) of how things SHOULD be, and then commence to executing said cockamamie plan without input.

Then, they think "Hey! I should ask someone REALLY smart about this." So, they dial (my) digits, and ask their .. um .. question. And, it's not really a question, it's more of a hypothetical, partially developed, with their own conclusion stuck on the ass end of it like a bright red caboose.

Hell, even the railroads did away with cabeese about thirty years ago.

But, there it lingers - tagging along like a big pimple.

Where I keep making the mistake is in .. um .. trying to reach out and gently smack these people into some sort of connection with reality and tell them just how things really are.

"Uh, no, your illegal alien boyfriend has no choices or options to stay in the country. If he gets pulled over for a burnt tail light, make sure he hasn't packed anything too big to fit on the big ICE bus."

"'If your employer pays it to you and it's not a specific expense reimbursement, yes, it goes on your W-2.' 'But, let's say it's Tuesday, and the sky is purple, and they've only been paying me that for ten months, not all year, and I have to work from home sometimes, and the Republicans win the White House again - THEN is it taxable?'"

Just as a few recent examples.

I need to practice shutting my big trap, and waiting until they stop telling me how it is, and then invite them to make an appointment.

Will I remember this (tomorrow, when this will again inevitably present itself?) I don't know.

I had a dream about being a Forum leader last night. It was pretty delicious.

So, another thing I'm not so sure of. I'm not so sure that "bisexual" anymore means that a man has sex with both men and women. I think that it has changed in meaning, just as "gay" has, and "compassionate conservative" and "tax break."

I think that "bisexual" now means "I want the world to think I'm 'normal' (i.e., heterosexual) but I really want to be a man's sex slave. In a dress."

Life was less complicated in the 1970's.

I feel like I've discovered Detroit. I grew up in Michigan, and Detroit was a place we went to go to a really big mall, or to catch an airplane. It never was a place with a history. I've been reading a lot about it lately, and it's .. um .. wow. Almost like the lost city of Atlantis.

N8 gave me a Christmas present and a card today. He's a nice man.

I haven't felt much like doing a damned thing lately. Well, this week. I have, however, structured getting the office furniture moved around, and, for my next trick, the office is going to be CLEANED. How about them apples?

It's not the freedom of religion

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;
United States Constitution, Amendment I

As in, the government won't PICK one and make it the one we all abide by.

Monday, Monday ver. 1981.01

First, some linkage. Most educated people are aware that the bible is horribly inconsistent, internally conflicted and sometimes irreconcilably so - sort of like Hillary Clinton's messages - but, rarely do we see something that clearly points out just how bad it gets. I mean, Chapters 1 & 2?

The other day, my new fabulous friend Jillian was in the office and asked me a question about big fag homos who dress and behave in overt ways in public and .. that lead to a BIG conversation about sexuality, which I said was a complex interaction of self-identity, choice and genetics. And, here we have this fabulous discussion of exactly that. Brian says she's wrong for the most part, but correct about point #2. His thoughts "But most geneticists would say she's wrong, in that genetic coding isn't just a series of light switches that turn on and off. Genetic coding is fairly subtle. It's more like millions of little microswitches that, when taken as a whole, help determine the thought processes that dictate how a person responds to a situation." Which is just like my thought that it's just WAY complex, and rather individualized. Brian also points out that Dr. Ruth still says there's no such thing as a bisexual man. How does that explain .. ? What does that mean, exactly?

I was right; the front motor mount is again broken.

Phaeton hope springs eternal; this morning, someone posts that they have figured out how to replace the OnStar module with the new Tuareg Bluetooth module so that one's mobile device will work with the Phaeton's infotainment system. And, the guy in Chicago who's selling his 05 V8 Phaeton 4 seat in luxury black heliochrome with walnut wood.. he'll be posting pictures here shortly.

I need to get my act on the road.

Mitt Romney fields questions after his big speech yesterday:

I love this guy - I actually subscribe to his daily posts along with a few hundred or thousand other people so that he can keep on writing.

This is the most cheery discussion of the silliness of the LDS faith; nearly as nuts as Scientology.

Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!
by Bill in Portland Maine
Fri Dec 07, 2007 at 02:52:27 PM PST

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Mitt Romney fields questions after his big speech yesterday:

Reporter: So Joseph Smith put the golden plates in a hat?

Romney: Well, I really don’t want to get into all the nuts and bolts about...

Reporter: And he translated what was on the plates with what, again?

Romney: The Urim and Thummim.

Reporter: Can you spell that?

Romney: No. Look, the point is that religion and politics should never be...

Reporter: And the angel Macaroni told him where the plates were?

Romney: Moroni! It's the Angel Moroni! And I really don’t see why...

Reporter: Did anyone else see these gold plates?

Romney: Look, guys, this is getting way off-topic, and...

Reporter: Isn’t it odd that Joseph Smith put the plates in a hat...then read the words on the plates to a transcriber...who was writing behind a curtain...and then Smith buried the plates so there's no independent verification that they ever existed?

Romney: Oh, they exist, pal...they exist! And if you say one more goddam word about...

Reporter: Hey, you're not supposed to swear!

Romney: I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just... I just want to talk about why my faith won’t interfere with my being president, is all. So if I could just say...

Reporter: Now, your church considered blacks to be cursed during its first 150 years. So when that position was reversed recently, in 1978, was there an adjustment period where it was like, Hey, this is a little freaky...

Romney: No!

Reporter: Like, Hey, get outta my chair! Oops, I forgot, you're on our team now...

Romney: I'm not answering that!

Reporter: Governor Romney, about the Planet Kobol. As president would you have NASA send some sort of a probe to explore the surface of...

Romney: That's it! We're done here.

Reporter: Would you say your magic underw...er, sacred garments are in a twist?

Romney: God, I need a drink... Of water! Of water!

[Ker-SLAM!!]

62% of Texans think country is off on the wrong track

Source article, with links

TX-Sen: John Cornyn Fares Poorly in Statewide Poll
by KTinTX
Thu Dec 06, 2007 at 07:07:24 PM PST

(From the diaries -- kos)

I'd like to announce some really great (and even surprising) poll results regarding the Texas Senate race here in Texas. The following poll was conducted a couple weeks ago by Lake Research, a highly regarded polling firm. Analysis of each major point will be below the section.

The survey was conducted among 500 registered voters in Texas who are likely to vote in the 2008 General Election. The survey was conducted November 13-18, 2007. The margin of error for the full sample is +/- 4.4 percentage points.

* KTinTX's diary :: ::
*

1. Opinion of John Cornyn

40% favorable
22% unfavorable
24% no opinion
14% never heard of him

Cornyn has been a statewide elected official since 1990- he's been a Supreme Court Justice, Attorney General, and Senator. Given all that, only 62% of Texans know enough of Cornyn to have an opinion of him. That's pretty shocking but verifies the rumors I heard earlier this year from other polls that said about a 1/3 of the state has no idea who he is. So even though Rick Noriega, like most Texas Democrats, is not well known by the general electorate yet, Sen. Cornyn does not enjoy as large of an name ID advantage as we might think.

2. Job Approval of John Cornyn

36% favorable
41% unfavorable
23% no opinion

Cornyn continues to maintain a net negative job approval rating in stark contrast to Texas' other Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison who fairs over 20% points better. While 1/4th of voters don't know enough to have an opinion, those who do clearly aren't happy with what they see. Cornyn's base of support is weak and there is a large pool of voters who seek change.

3. Re-Elect of John Cornyn

31% vote to re-elect
16% vote to replace
53% consider someone else

Texas voters are very open to replacing Cornyn as 69% want to replace or will consider replacing him. Having a 31% re-elect number is awful for Cornyn and is probably one of the most concerning results for him in this poll.

4. Approval of Bush in Texas

20% very favorable
22% favorable
16% unfavorable
37% very unfavorable

The President has lost the support of his home state with a 53% unfavorable rating to 42% favorable among Texans. Talk about a turnaround. Bush is the personification of the Texas Republican Party. If voters are rejecting him, including 37% who deeply disapprove, the Democratic nominee can count on a larger and more passionate partisan base vote in 2008. Cornyn's continued attempts to tie himself to the President will only serve to drag him down.

5. Country Right/Wrong Track

62% Country off on the wrong track
28% Country heading in right direction

Wow. Those numbers indicate that Texans think that the country has not only gone off in a wrong direction, but that's it's jumped clearly off the tracks. Cornyn's claims that we need to stay the course in Iraq, stay the course on tax cuts causing a ballooning deficit, and stay the course on a health care system that is broken are so out of touch the only course he'll be staying on is a golf course after we retire him from office in 2008.

Peace returns to the office

I have a 5:30 appointment to go to some wine tasting thing offered by a commercial lender. And, I have said I'd attend some fashion show at 8:00 p.m. that the title rep (who's smokin' hot, but less reliable than a 1986 Hyundai Excel) wanted me to meet him at.

The wine tasting thing turns out to have been at 6:30, not 5:30, and the people there were just creepy.

Thoughts from my friend David -

One of the things they are leaving out of this story about the sub-prime rate freeze is that the owners of the debt (sub-prime mortgages or anything tainted by sub-prime such as mortgage backed securities) are NO LONGER required to re-price these assets on a monthly or quarterly basis as has been the case. The balance sheets in question will no longer reflect market value. This will allow institutions to hold securities of unknown value on their books without any valuation reserve or write-down (Regulations on the freeze action have not been released). This is exactly what the Japanese banks did in the 90’s when they did not quickly clean up their balance sheets and deal with the problem, and many of them still have bad debt from the late 80’s on their books. SO, the result of this is that there will be a ticking time bomb in the banking / financial system AGAIN.



This action is too late to make any real impact on the housing problem. Real estate prices everywhere have already fallen and will continue to do so until there is something of a more normal relationship between real estate prices and their historic place in the proverbial “basket of goods”. Again, the last time real estate markets peaked in the middle of the decade was in the 1920’s (1925 to be exact) and they did not begin to level out until 1934 and not rise until the early 1940’s. Today’s action only moves off the inevitable day of dealing with these underwater loans and thereby creates a longer-term problem than would otherwise be the case. This freeze requires homeowners to have 3% equity in their property in order to qualify, as prices continue to decline this will be fewer and fewer. Unfortunately, the ball has already gone over the edge of the building



This action is very similar to the actions taken in the early part of the S&L disaster when the sick institutions were allowed to keep “goodwill” on their balance sheets and classify it as core capital… and we all remember where that mess ended up. Not dealing with real problems in the financial and banking systems always ends in disaster eventually. However, it allows those in power a quick fix and allow them to pass the problem on the next administration to deal with… Regan did it to old Bush and now little Bush is doing it to whomever…



Earnings at the financial institutions will appear to be significantly improved soon as they will not have to make any of those HUGE (billions of dollars) write-downs on their portfolios any time soon, but they will come.

This is just so delightful

Rubla Rhan
by Hunter
Wed Dec 05, 2007 at 08:51:26 PM PST

In grand New York, under Pale Male's wing
Where the subways hum, and taxis sing
There lived a man who liked his bling
And who would screw most anything.

With his wife he became bored
but yet his bald libido roared
So to the Hamptons he would soar
And charged his sex romps to the poor.

"Why not?" he cried, "I deserve to roam,
And smell the ocean's salty foam.
These funds may help the homeless, true,
But does not my d*ck need shelter too?"

Mere protocol would not deter,
the funds were easily transferred;
his mistress preened, her family purred,
and the city worked as their chauffeurs.


Courageously, he seized that day
(And other things along the way)
And his wife thought him a jerk
(And still the radios did not work.)

Still he was not happy, though:
He sought a quicker place to go,
A private place for a quick perk
Within walking distance from his work.

So a stately Terror Dome he built
On ground where previous blood was spilt
With a private room in which to snog
(And police to walk his girlfriend's dog.)

But one day thunder shook the ground;
The buildings fell, the skies profound
In tragedy, and yet in death unbound
Our Adonis soon would be renowned...


Our hero, grim, undaunted! Look!
See him rise through ash and soot!
As the city lifted voice in prayer
Rubla Rhan was quickly there.

Our hero knew, in smoke and din
That what was needed most was him
Look at him walk! He stood quite firm --
And tried to stay on past his term.

Yes, through tragedy and sordid spree
Our Romeo will always be
The inverse of a Kennedy
Who asks: What can my city do for me?

Still, there is just one more dream,
yet one more path, a greater gleam,
A place beyond the city lights
Where power peaks at lofty heights.

A place past agencies coerced,
Beyond cops and dogs and humps perverse,
And power over the city's purse
And radios, and bombs, and worse.


And so he dreams of his ascent
And thinks to himself alone, when spent,
How many more there are, content,
that I could screw as President!

No cue cards, no teleprompters, and no second takes--legendary funnyman Sid Caesar pioneered live television sketch comedy with his 1950s sitcoms Your Show of Shows and Caesar's Hour. This classic sketch is "Argument to Beethoven's 5th," Sid Caesar and Nanette Fabray play a married couple in a argument with pantomimed action and the dialogue is classic music.Enjoy!

Normally, I wouldn't shill for another retailers, but..

My good friend Alma writes me:

I definitely know about the social security problem.

The sad fact is that the government uses it both ways: if you’re the legitimate holder of a particular SSN, they can refuse to send your payments until you prove to their satisfaction that you’re the legitimate party, while at the same time accepting payment from anyone who uses the number. It would be very easy to flag any number being used by more than one person and insist on clarification, but it’s pretty obvious why that hasn’t happened.

Right now (although the numbers are murky) I think it’s quite likely that illegals contribute more than they take out.

It’s the whole problem of what happens with their American kids and grandkids – born here, badly educated, ill-served by the medical system, and facing an economy based on labor policies that bear a sneaking resemblance to a Ponzi scheme.

Notes to file

Note to file: Don't EVER presume that the shop vac is ready for use when you have room mates.

Note to file: Don't EVER vacuum fireplace ashes with a shop vac that does not have the air filter in place

Note to file: Don't EVER leave your laptop on the coffee table when you have room mates known to break .. well, anything .. and he says he's not tired and isn't planning on going to bed yet

Note to file: If you want to decorate for Halloween with a thick, even patina of fine dust, the best way to do that is to vacuum the fireplace ashes with a shop vac that has no air filter

This is so strange

Jackie went to Doggy Disney today for the weekend (Tom's place.) It's Disney for her, because he has sixteen cats and a dog, and a fenced back yard. She was so excited this morning when we pulled into his driveway. The last time she stayed there, she didn't really want to come home.

I took her over there since I'm going to Dallas tomorrow over night. Since Bram works all the time, there wasn't reliability as to her being cared for, so I asked Tom if he'd watch her.

This isn't the first time I've left her with Tom, and it's not the first time that I've been in this house without her. Coming home, and not having to walk her, and not having her greet me as I came in the door wasn't that unusual, since it was expected. However, as I've been here tonight, I've been missing her presence - REALLY missing her a lot.

This morning, I got up around the usual time, came downstairs and she was asleep on the landing as she frequently is. She didn't stir when I walked down past her. A while later, Bram came downstairs and she still wasn't stirring. I walked over to her, and looked at her and her eyes blinked open - she lifted her head and looked at me, and I told her hello - that I was just checking on her. She got up, and shook herself and we went outside.

When I took her out the back door on the leash, she was so excited. She got right into the car, and sat down on the passenger floorboard, staying there until we got to Tom's house. Down on the floorboard, she's safe - she can't be thrown off the seat or jostled around as the car goes around corners and such.

Once I started noticing how I was expecting to step around her, or have her watching me while I was in the kitchen, or snoring on the hall rug, I started to really feel how deeply I fell in love with her the first time I saw her eleven years ago this last week. She's the most angelic, loving creature - balanced, pleasant, trusting. She's developed so much since she first came to be with me - she was so skittish and afraid back then. She wanted to be loved and part of a family, but it was so hard to believe that was now true.

Now, eleven years later, she's so settled and confident about her life. She may duck a little bit when I'm in a sour mood, but she knows everything is going to be okay.

When I have traveled, I've always had dreams about her. Vivid dreams. The last two trips, I've not dreamt about her, which I've attributed to her being so engaged in the fun at Tom's place.

So, tonight, feeling so anxious about her, feeling pain in my heart about her - I'm really wondering - is something about to take her away from me?

I hope not. Her whole time with me, I've wanted to make her special. Barney the Bastard chow made it impossible, and since I've moved in here, I've had too much on my plate to pamper her the way I've wanted to.

When Barney passed, I had only a few moments of sadness and no regret. When it's her time to leave me, it's going to hurt badly.

My slightly revised Bend Bedroom

The Corby pant press, mounted to the wall

Christmas decorating at the Bend

HIGH-larious